


In Case You Don't Live Forever

by SoonerOrLater



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Cancer, Depression, Established Relationship, First Thanksgiving, Fluff, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Parent Death, Therapy, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:09:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 133,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26895742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoonerOrLater/pseuds/SoonerOrLater
Summary: 'Have I ever told you, I don’t actually know the date he died? I just know it's Thanksgiving'When Patrick's Dad dies four days before Thanksgiving, David and his 'new family' rally round. But of course, grief doesn't stop for the holidays. Or after them. Starting off with David doing his best to help Patrick through the holiday weekend and following him through dealing with the aftermath and Patrick's journey with grief.Includes some glimpses into their future, how David and Patrick both cope with inevitable losses life throws at them.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 94
Kudos: 158





	1. It's Not Real Until I Tell You

**Author's Note:**

> An alternative timeline for Season Five. Happens soon after 'Meet the Parents' but before anything else. Canon-Compliant to that point, and everything after happens pretty much just with timelines and details a bit shifted. 
> 
> This started as a little exploration of that moment (see end notes) but grew into something more, and instead follows Patrick through his journey with grief. 
> 
> This is an exploration of death of a parent, for healing and catharsis. Mentions of cancer but no specific of graphic details. But for that reason, it might not be the fic for you right now.

It was chilly outside, but in that October way that wasn’t yet freezing. Stil Patrick wished he’d brought his jacket out. He felt something heavy on his shoulders as David reached him, and reached around to find his thick knitted cardigan, of course a present from David five Christmases ago. Of course a deep navy blue. 

‘You ok?’ David asked, handing him a glass of wine once he was in the cardigan. He was wrapped in one of his giant scarves. His hair which was longer than it had ever been, was blowing a bit wildly in the breeze. He looked, thought Patrick, more beautiful than ever. 

He nodded. ‘Just thinking.’ he said. 

David looped an arm over his shoulder. He knew this weekend was always one for thinking for his husband. He slowly retreated into himself for at least part of the weekend. And in eighteen years of knowing him, and sixteen thanksgivings together, he knew to let Patrick take the lead. Right on cue he let him know exactly what was on his mind. 

‘Have I ever told you, I don’t actually know the date he died? It’s like this mental blank I have. I know it was the Thursday before Thanksgiving so I just sort of go with ‘Thanksgiving Weekend’ which is stupid for, you know a moveable holiday.’

David reached an arm around him. ‘I don’t know, that seems almost...nice.’ he rubbed his hand absently up and down Patrick’s shirt, under the cardigan ‘You know it’s not some arbitrary day, it’s a day you can actually mark, and well ironically give thanks, or whatever this holiday is about.’

‘I mean technically Colonialism.’ Patrick said 

‘Let’s not ruin a metaphor with history. Save that for the kids after dinner.’ David smiled. 

‘Why is it worse this year?’ Patrick shocked himself by blurting it out. For weeks he’d felt the weight of it creeping up on him. Every year he remembered at this time obviously, but usually it was just the weekend, a creeping sadness. Some years, guiltily barely even that. But this year, for weeks it was all he could think of. 

‘Sixteen years.’ David answered, clearly he’d thought about this already. 

‘How do you-?’ 

‘It’s been sixteen years, you were 32 when he died, that means you’ve lived half as long again without him.’

Patrick smiled at him and took his hand ‘I thought I was the numbers guy?’ he chuckled. ‘That makes sense I guess.’ he paused, ‘half a lifetime.’ 

David tightened his grip a bit, leaning into him. And waited for him to speak. 

‘I guess I just think about everything he missed you know?’ 

David shrugged, ‘I guess I’ve been thinking about it a lot too this year.’ he bit his lip, ‘I guess with my parents and…’ he trailed off looking out at nothing in the garden. Patrick put his glass down and took David’s too so he could take his hand.

‘Is it weird that Thanksgiving is now my favourite holiday?’ Patrick asked ‘Surely I should hate it?’

‘It’s mine too.’ David said, ‘And not just for the food.’ 

Patrick laughed. 

‘It was our first holiday that felt  _ ours _ that year.’ David said. ‘I know we’d done my Dad’s stupid holiday party the year before, and I know that year was horrible in so may ways, for you, but I don’t know it felt…’

‘Yeah.’ Patrick confirmed, ‘I know.’ 

  
  


**Sixteen years earlier, Thursday.**

Patrick nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone sprang to life in his hand. He was idly scrolling through the news while he waited for the kettle to boil and his toast to cook. It was 6.47 and he was getting ready for a quick morning gym workout before work. David was of course still asleep. 

‘Mom’ flashed up on the screen. He frowned at it. His Mom was an early bird like him, but even this was early for her. But maybe she was just up and about doing Thanksgiving errands, it was Thursday, and she’d be leaving for his Aunt’s house tomorrow, no doubt armed with a car full of food. He clicked ‘Answer’ and put the phone to his ear while the kettle continued to gurgle away. 

‘Mom?’

‘Patrick.’ his Mom sounded far away.

‘Yeah.’ he said fussing with his cup. 

‘Are you home?’ She asked.

‘Yeah where else would I be? I was just about to go to the gym but…’

‘Oh good.’ She said, ‘Is David there?’

‘He’s asleep Mom, it’s like 6.30 and he doesn’t do mornings you know that.’

‘Right. No. Of course.’ his Mom said, ‘Still I’m glad he’s there.’

‘Mom what’s going on?’ he turned around and leaned against the counter. His Mom was quite like him usually, direct, clear. There was a long pause. ‘Mom?’ 

‘Patrick honey, I’m sorry to have to tell you, your Father died this morning.’ 

Everything froze. The kettle clicked off and there was suddenly a dead silence in the apartment. 

‘What? Um. Oh. Are you ok?’ he couldn’t think of anything else to say. 

‘I’m fine dear. Honestly, Uncle Bob is with me and I’m going to Karen’s later. When we’ve finished with the arrangements.’

‘Um ok. Um.’

‘Now Patrick love I’ve thought about this and I don’t want this to change this weekend.’

Patrick blinked, trying to process what on earth she was talking about. Then it hit him; Thanksgiving. It was Thanksgiving and he’d told his Mom about his plans; they were going to a cheesy ‘Corn Maze’ on Saturday and he’d talked David into hosting a ‘family’ Thanksgiving. He suddenly felt sick. 

‘No, Mom, look I can leave today, I can be there tonight.’

‘You’ll do no such thing.’ she said, ‘I’m going to Karen’s for Thanksgiving, everyone will be there. I’ll be much better off than if you come home and we just stare at each other all weekend.’

He had to half smile at that. 

‘Look honey, it's early. We’ll talk later ok? I just had to let you know.’

‘Mom, I mean when did he- I mean-’

‘About 2am. I thought I’d wait, let you sleep. But I figured you’d be up by now.’

His chest felt tight. She’d waited for hours so he could have one last night’s sleep not knowing. ‘Yeah I was...just going to the gym.’ he’d said that already, hadn’t he? 

‘Wake David up and have breakfast instead, give yourself a break.’

Patrick blinked again, thinking about waking up David, telling him. He shook his head to clear it. ‘Sure, um...Are you ok?’

‘You know me honey.’ he could hear the smile in her voice ‘Love to David.’ she added.

‘Of course.’ Patrick said barely a whisper ‘I’ll call you later ok?’ 

‘Love you.’

‘Love you too.’ he hung up and leaned on the counter. What now? He thought. His toast popped up and he jumped. He picked it up and it burnt his hand. He threw it on the floor. ‘Fuck!’ he exclaimed. Then silently cursed himself worried he’d woken David. A quick glance over showed he hadn’t. 

He looked at the toast for a moment, then cursed himself for being such a child. He picked it up and threw it in the bin. He wasn’t hungry. He had two choices he reasoned. He could crawl back to bed, wake David up, tell him. Let him comfort him. Like his Mom had said. Or he could carry on with his day. Just for a bit. Not quite pretending it hadn’t happened just...putting it in a box for a bit. Telling David felt big. Too big. Waking him up he felt like he needed to be in tears, desperate for comfort or something. He was none of those things. He just felt...empty. So he could wake up his boyfriend, tell him and feel the world shift forever. Or he could get on with his day for a bit. 

He chose that latter. 

He drove to the gym half dazed. Telling himself it was the early hour. He always did this on autopilot. The radio chattered in the background. When he got there, he put his headphones in and ran for 20 minutes, letting his brain switch off, watching the silent TVs chatting about, who knows what. He pushed himself, figuring the more he physically hurt the less he could think. It worked. He worked his way through his usual weights set, the repetitive nature of it calming. He almost forgot for a while. He was struggling through an abs workout to finish-always his nemesis, and honestly one he usually skipped, when he flopped back on the mat staring at the ceiling. ‘Your Dad died, you can give up early.’ he said to himself. The thought was so ridiculous he almost could have laughed. He was suddenly tired though. 

He drove back slowly, a bit more conscious. Things started to swim into place. His Dad had been diagnosed with cancer years ago. How old even was Patrick when it happened? 15? 16? His parents ever protective of their only child had shielded him from the worst of it as a teenager. Even when he was an adult, he knew they only updated him when they had ‘real news’ as his Mom said. He’d got better at pressing for details. But his Dad had been in remission for a long time. He’d been perfectly healthy in every other way. Patrick had begun to stop worrying all the time. 

Which is why he hadn’t worried about a month ago when his Mom had mentioned a hospital appointment. He’d assumed it was routine. He’d worried more a couple of weeks ago when his Dad had called and said he was getting more tests done. But he’d heard nothing more so he assumed all was either well, or there were no answers. You learned to live in that kind of limbo after a decade or more of it. 

Had he been back in hospital and nobody told him? It wouldn’t be the first time his parents had kept something like that from him. As he’d got older, and when he’d lived away from home, whether it was in College or the last couple of years, they’d not told him a lot of things once again. Mainly they knew he worried. And that he would drop everything to come and help. He’d once driven overnight home from College when his Dad had needed surgery. He’d spent a weekend hanging around not able to help but it made him feel better. His Mom needed him when his Dad had been sick and he’d missed enough of those times over the years. His heart sank a bit as he realised she’d been dealing with this for what, a month? Had they known something when they’d visited? Had everything with him and David derailed anything they might have told him? It was just like this parents not to want to ‘spoil’ his Birthday, and then everything else. He sighed. There were so many questions. 

Maybe they hadn’t. Maybe it had all been the last month. Rationally, knowing his Dad’s condition inside out- he’d spent a lot of time researching over the years- he knew it could have come back aggressively and fast. There could have been things going on undetected for a long time. He could have got an infection. All of which would have been fast, faster maybe than his Mom had realised in the midst of it and all of which accounted for the fact this was the first he was hearing. 

But not knowing was going to drive him mad. He was mad at himself, for not being there. That’s what people did right? They were there, at the end. He couldn’t quite bring himself to think about it. Whatever had happened, clearly this time his parents ‘wait and see’ had meant he’d missed something vital. He should be angry, he probably was. But right now he couldn’t actually formulate anything like a concrete thought. 

He’d reached home before he knew it. He turned off the engine but didn’t get out. David would be awake by now. He’d have to tell him. And once he told David it was real. Somehow for now it was still in his head and he could imagine going about his day. Once David knew it was real. 

He dragged himself inside. David was indeed up and in the kitchen pouring cereal into a bowl. He grinned as Patrick walked in.

‘Morning!’ he said brightly, he was totally oblivious. And for whatever reason, unusually bouncy for first thing. He told himself he deserved a moment of calm this morning, of normal, of happy. And so did David. Patrick smiled back. He looked gorgeous. Not that he ever wasn’t but something about him just struck Patrick in that moment. He walked over and kissed him. ‘Hey’ he said. ‘You look gorgeous.’

David wrinkled his nose. ‘To what do I owe that compliment.’ he said. 

Patrick smiled again, what he hoped wasn’t too sad ‘I thought it, so I thought I should say it.’

‘Well as long as you don’t start saying every thought you have about me out loud.’ David said. ‘Some things I don’t need to know.’

‘I love you.’ Patrick said, feeling tears prick at his eyes. 

David put his cereal down and pulled Patrick into a proper kiss. ‘Ew sweaty’ he said when he pulled back, but placed a light kiss on Patrick’s lips again for good measure. Something felt off and he couldn’t put his finger on it. ‘You ok?’ he asked. 

That was the moment Patrick could have said it. He could have done it. Pulled the band-aid off or whatever. But he couldn’t form the words. He understood his Mom in that moment, he could just have this morning. This day, where David didn’t know, then he could pretend it was normal a bit longer. 

‘Yeah fine.’ he said. ‘Fine. I’m gonna shower. Make me some toast? I didn’t eat before…’

He untangled himself from David and walked towards the bathroom. 

‘Sure.’ David said, turning his attention back to his breakfast. ‘Hey did I hear you talking to someone first thing?’

Patrick froze. ‘Um yeah, my Mom rang. You know what she’s like always up early. She was talking about...Thanksgiving.’ 

‘Hmm.’ David said ‘You couldn’t have got your Dad’s sleep-late genes then’ he said with a chuckle. Unaware of the stab it sent through Patrick as he disappeared into the bathroom. 

He let the shower run over him longer than he normally would. Having a silent debate with himself. He needed to tell David. He knew that. He also knew that retreating in, hiding was what he did when he was struggling. But you’re allowed to struggle when your Dad dies he reminded himself. But he’d already put David through so much with Rachel, then his parents- his chest tightened again at that. He needed to tell him. 

But how do you do that? ‘So we need to get some new candles ordered oh and by the way my Dad died.’ 

Any normal person would have shouted for their partner the minute they hung up the phone. Any normal person would have run to them and cried in their arms. You went to the gym. What’s wrong with you? He wondered shutting off the water just as David shouted ‘It’s ready!’ 

‘Coming!’ he replied. 

They ate breakfast in relative silence. David really didn’t do mornings so it wasn’t unusual not to talk until at least his coffee had kicked in. 

By the time they’d started work David was worried. While Patrick was never going to rival him in the words-per-minute stakes he was usually casually chatty, whether it was making observations- and the odd curse of other drivers- on their way in, to David’s outfit choice or even boring him with some mathematical analysis of this week’s takings. But today he was oddly quiet. And obviously David immediately wondered if he’d done something wrong. 

He was just about to turn the sign and unlock the door, when he turned back to Patrick who was starting the till up. ‘Are you ok?’ he asked as neutrally as he could. 

Patrick froze for a second looking down at the register. This was your chance he said to himself. Just tell him. Close the Store for the day, go home and feel sorry for yourself whatever people do. No, he told himself, it’s the last day before you close for Thanksgiving, you can’t close. You don’t need to do this now. 

‘Fine.’ he said as brightly as possible ‘just um got a headache’ 

David nodded, looking like he was placated if not reassured. ‘There’s pills in my bag’ he said jerking his head towards the back room. 

‘Thanks.’ Patrick said, finishing with the Register and heading back there, to keep up appearances if nothing else. He leaned against the wall and took out his phone. 

‘Call me at lunchtime? x’’ he sent to his Mom, then added, ‘On here, I’m going to be out.’

He realised the last thing he needed was his Mom calling the Store and speaking to David before he had a chance.

He was saved any more questions about his state of mind by a blissfully busy morning in the Store. They’d planned to close for three days over the weekend, and clearly people were getting in early this Thursday. Between the steady stream of customers, and several vendors dropping off more supplies, they barely said two words to each other all morning that weren’t related to a sale. At around 1pm things finally slowed a little. 

‘Shall I get lunch?’ Patrick asked hoping David didn’t have a strong desire to go out himself. ‘Looks like it’ll be busy all day I can bring something back?’

David nodded surveying the slightly untidy store ‘Please, I’m going to start hyperventilating if I have to look at this mess all afternoon’

Patrick smiled ‘I’ll get coffee too’

‘Lots.’ David said making a face at the mess and scooping up some discarded lip balms from the counter. 

Patrick made his way over to the cafe, placed their order and told Twyla he’d be back once he’d made a phone call. 

He went outside and realised wherever he sat he’d be in full view of the whole street. And this wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have with the thought of Ray or Roland dropping in halfway. Or worse David running out of the Store asking him to add chips to their order or something. He walked up the street a little way, to the small green off the main street with the statue to someone nobody could quite remember. It wasn’t on any foot traffic route and really only teenagers and dog walkers came by. He sat and pulled out his phone. 

His Mom answered after five rings ‘Sorry honey, it was in my purse.’

He smiled, of course it was ‘That’s ok, how are you doing?’

‘Busy busy.’ she said ‘Lots to do you know?’

Patrick didn’t know. He realised, he had zero clue what there was to do or how you did it but he made a sound of agreement. 

‘How’s the Store?’ she continued as if this were just a normal Thursday. 

‘Busy.’ he answered honestly. ‘You know holiday weekend and all’

‘Oh well I won’t keep you long.’ She said ‘Are you on your lunch break? Is David looking after things?’

‘Um, yeah Mom I stepped out to get us some food. Look-’ he rubbed a hand through his hair, his Mom was clearly determined not to talk about the thing he was calling to talk about. 

‘Is he ok?’ his Mom continued, ‘What did he say when you told him? He knows you’re still staying for Thanksgiving right? I don’t want him to feel put out, or upset. I know it was important to you two.’

‘Mom!’ Patrick exclaimed harsher than he intended ‘Thanksgiving doesn’t matter! Look I’ll just come home ok?’

‘Yes it does dear.’ she said, her voice suddenly serious. ‘And you’ll do no such thing. You’ll have Thanksgiving with David, you’ll do the Corn Maze and the festival on Saturday like you planned, then Thanksgiving on Monday with his family and your friend Stevie. And then you’ll come home. Do you understand me?’ 

He was taken aback at his Mom’s forceful tone, she rarely talked to him like that. ‘Mom?’he said carefully ‘what’s going on?’ 

‘Your Dad.’ she began and he felt what was fast becoming a familiar sinking feeling in his stomach, was that what it was going to be from now on? She was carrying on, ‘All this week all he could talk about was Thanksgiving, ‘make sure you go to Karens even if I can’t’ and ‘Make sure Patrick has your stuffing recipe’ and ‘tell Patrick to go to the Corn Maze by Ferndale that’s the better one’ and’ he thought he heard her choke back a sob or something, ‘He kept talking about it being your first Thanksgiving with your second family. He was so pleased.’ she paused ‘And honey, David has been so excited, he’s been talking about it for weeks too, to me and your Dad, and you’ve worked so hard, I just want you to have a nice weekend.’ 

Patrick exhaled slowly. ‘Mom how can I when-’

‘You will.’ she said. ‘You’re allowed to. If we’re all going to spend the next however long feeling fucking awful-’

‘Mom!’ she never swore. 

‘I’m allowed!’ she said, ‘Look, sweetheart, we’re going to have a horrible few weeks, months, I don’t know...if I can give you one last happy weekend first, I know it won’t be the same but if you stay with your friends, with David’s family, rather than everyone here who will be treading on eggshells around me until I yell at my sister to leave me alone or let me cook-’

Patrick laughed, he could hear the argument clearly. 

‘If we’re both here, there’ll be two of us to feel sorry for. So let me go to Karen’s and deal with the family first, you can face them next week ok?’ she took a breath, ‘And you know he didn’t want me to miss the traditional family weekend either. It was important to him.’

‘Right. Of course.’ Patrick managed. He thought for a second. She wasn’t wrong. If he went home they’d spend days feeling sorry for each other alone. If he stayed here his Mom would likely stay with her sister, visit his Dad’s family, even visit friends while they waited for the funeral. If he stayed here he would have work, and David, and whatever chaos their Thanksgiving entailed. ‘And it’s really ok with you that I stay?’

‘Yes! I wouldn’t say so if it wasn’t.’ she said ‘I want this for you Patrick. Your Dad wanted it.’

‘Mom what happened?’ his voice sounded small, child-like ‘He was...fine wasn’t he?’

‘He was and then he wasn’t. It’s how it goes, they said. It was quick.’ she paused ‘I’m sorry, if I’d realised I would have said something but, honestly.’ She paused ‘I thought he’d get better because…’ she trailed off. 

‘He always did’ Patrick finished. 

‘Exactly.’ she said. ‘I’m sorry Patrick.’

‘I’m sorry too Mom’ they sat in silence for a second, him looking out across the empty park. He’d got used to feeling far away, and in some ways this town felt like a little protective bubble around him. But right now he felt really far away. 

‘Are you sure-’

‘Yes.’ she said before he could finish. 

He nodded. ‘I’ll leave first thing Tuesday then.’ he said firm, decisive she couldn’t argue there. 

‘Ok.’ she said, ‘The Funeral looks like it’ll be a week today. Even with the holiday we were able to get it arranged fast.’

He nodded, not able to get his head around a week from now. 

‘Will David be coming with you?’ she asked ‘I guess someone has to mind the Store and I appreciate it might be a lot for him but I think you should have someone there for you…’

He blinked, he hadn’t even thought that far ahead. ‘Um I don’t know.’ he said. 

‘Well did he say he would? When you told him?’ 

‘I um, haven’t told him yet.’ 

‘Patrick Brewer!’ he tone took him by surprise again. ‘What do you mean you haven’t told him? 

‘I, I couldn’t.’ he looked up at the ever grey-sky above him ‘I couldn’t find the words.’

He heard his Mom sigh. ‘You just have to say it. There’s no other way to do it.’ 

He didn’t answer. He imagined her going over and over saying those words to him this morning 

‘Tell someone else first if you have to.’ she added ‘I know it might not feel right but tell someone less invested, just so you’ve said it.’ 

‘Will that work?’ he asked. 

‘I told the girl at the 24 Hour Second Cup on my way home from the Hospital’ his Mom said and laughed. Patrick couldn’t help it he did too. Imagining some poor teenage girl stood with a coffee and a donut not knowing what to say to this middle aged woman talking about her dead husband. 

‘Oh Mom.’ he said, a mix of amusement and sadness in his voice. 

‘We’ll all be fine Patrick’ she said, ‘I promise. But tell him ok? You need him, you need someone there when I’m not.’

He nodded. He wasn’t sure whether she meant ‘when I’m not’ in the immediate sense, or a larger one. But it wasn’t a thought he wanted to interrogate right now. ‘Ok. I’d um, better get back.’ he stood up and began the short walk back towards the cafe ‘Call me if you need me ok?’

‘I will.’ she said ‘I love you.’

‘Love you too.’ he said. 

He walked back to the cafe and picked up their order. He’d just got out of the door when Twyla came running after him with the tea and coffee. 

‘Forgot these!’ she said brightly, ‘And it looks like you two need all the caffeine you can get over there today! It’s so busy.’ She handed them to him and he balanced the bag and drinks before turning away. 

‘Hey Twy?’ he called after her. 

‘Mmm hmm?’ she said turning back 

‘Can I um, can I tell you something- and just don’t tell anyone ok? Like you’ll understand when I say it. Hopefully.’ 

‘Sure. What’s wrong you seem a little-’

‘My Dad died.’ he blurted out. Saying it felt like the wind knocked out of him followed by a wave of relief. ‘Today.’ he added. 

‘Oh Patrick’ Twyla’s face was kind and soft, ‘That’s rough I’m sorry.’

He nodded. ‘Thanks.’ he paused ‘you’re...the first person I’ve told.’ he explained. 

She nodded. ‘You needed a practice run?’ she said nodding towards the Store. Patrick was looking down at the ground, possibly like he was trying not to cry. He nodded. ‘Because once he knows it’s real to you too.’ she added. He looked up at her wide-eyed and nodded again. 

Patrick looked at her and nodded. ‘Thanks Twyla.’ he said, turning to go. 

‘Hey Patrick?’ she called ‘If you ever need someone...’ she gestured at the cafe. He nodded again and walked towards the Store. 

There was nobody in there- not even David visible- Patrick took a breath and shut the door behind him, flicking the latch and turning the sign to closed. 

‘David?’ he called. 

‘Back here.’ he replied emerging from the back room, broom in hand. ‘Look you’ve caught me in the act of sweeping, are you happy?’ he waved the broom both triumphantly and bitterly. ‘Some little brat spilled some bath salts’ he glowered. 

Patrick put their lunch on the counter. 

‘Did you just lock the door?’ David frowned. ‘I’m all for a holiday weekend but I think we need to stay open to sell the holiday supplies?’

‘Just for uh, a little bit.’ Patrick said, he was going to do it, he had to, Twyla was right. It was this or drive himself crazy all day. ‘Call it a little lunch break.’ 

David shrugged and put the broom down ‘Works for me’ he said coming across the Store and heading directly for the lunch bag. 

‘David I-’ Patrick began and the words caught in his throat. 

‘What? Oh’ David leaned over and kissed his cheek ‘Thank you for lunch.’ he said ‘is this one cheese?’

‘What? Yeah I think so.’ Patrick said. He ran a hand over David’s back quickly ‘Come on let’s sit and eat before we have to let the masses back in again.’ 

He let David chatter away about the ‘brat with the bath salts’ and all the things they’ve sold while he was out, and about his plans for next Thanksgiving’s range. It always warmed Patrick’s heart to see him so excited about the Store. Ordinarily he’d join in with grand plans, or warnings about pacing themselves. But today he just let David keep up his monologue, making the right noises. Glad of the chance to not think, just listen. 

‘You ok love?’ David said pausing, realising Patrick hadn’t really spoken in a while. He was trying to get better and not just talking constantly at him. ‘Is your head still bothering you?’

‘Hmm yeah that’s it.’ Patrick said ‘Just tired too I guess.’ he tried again, ‘David, look about this weekend I-’

‘You’re not cancelling are you? Because I don’t care about Monday, honestly a day trapped with my family is nobody’s idea of fun, but Saturday, our day out we promised ourselves, and I know you’re going to say we should open because people want to shop, but can’t we give ourselves a real break just this once?’ David blinked, he’d worried all week Patrick’s business brain was going to kick in ‘Why don’t we open Sunday for a few hours instead, for last minute shopping?’

Patrick smiled. David didn’t know how much he’d hit the nail on the head with his need for a weekend off. ‘Yeah ok you’re right.’ he conceded, knowing telling David that would get him out of further questioning. ‘Tell you what, see how tomorrow goes then we’ll decide on Sunday. No point opening if we’ve sold out of pies and vegetables.’

David nodded, victorious. ‘Ooh that reminds me we should take our pies today- I’m going to pay- otherwise we’ll be stuck with the damaged ones, or the weird raspberry one.’ He sprang up feeling energised by the busy, so far successful day. He glanced down at Patrick who looked drained. It must be the headache he figured. ‘You sure you’re ok?’ he checked he bent down to pick up the sandwich boxes and realised Patrick had barely touched his. He frowned at it. 

‘Fine. Tired. You know, headache.’ Patrick hadn’t got up yet, nor had he noticed David poking at the remains of his lunch. But David reasoned, it had been a busy few weeks, and unlike David whose default setting was ‘food’ as a response to stress, Patrick’s was a person who actually lost his appetite. And if he was tired and maybe this headache was a cold or something. David indistinctly reached out and touched Patrick’s forehead. 

‘What you doing?’ he frowned. 

‘Just checking you aren’t getting properly sick before you have to cook for seven people, because nobody in my family is going to be any help.’

‘And?’ Patrick raised a small smile at David’s bedside manner 

‘You’re fine.’ David declared. ‘Other than the insanity of you know agreeing to cook for seven.’

Patrick nodded and hauled himself up. ‘I am clearly a fool’ Patrick said with what he hoped was a convincing smile. ‘Come on then, let’s pay for that dinner shall we?’ 

David bounded his way to the front of the Store to unlock the door again and Patrick picked up the remains of their lunch. Cursing himself once again for not saying it. He wanted to, he wanted this secret out now...but he couldn’t find the words. Which was ridiculous, there was only one way to say it. 

He had the conversation so many times in his own head that afternoon he was surprised he didn’t say it to a customer. ‘Here’s your pie and lip balm and by the way my Dad died at 2am, would you tell my boyfriend?’ he found himself getting more and more irritated and by extension irritable. 

He snapped at David more than once. First partly legitimately, over a forgotten re-order of scarves that he was supposed to chase up and that they lost a $100 sale over. Then over increasingly little things, not tidying the register properly, moving the pen, just being in his way. He was short and tetchy and all the time having an impossible imagined conversation with David in his head, and instead muttering in annoyance at him over moisturizer. Finally as they were closing up, and David asked him for what, in his head, was the tenth time something about tomatoes, but was probably only the second, he heard himself shout. 

‘I don’t fucking care what you do with the tomatoes David!’ 

It came from nowhere, the kind of shouting he never did- even when he was arguing with David he wasn’t a shouter. He was confident, yes but he never yelled. He was polite, even when being like today, frankly horrible. He shocked himself with his tone and found himself rooted to the spot, blinking at David standing with his box of tomatoes, and for what felt like the millionth time today ‘it’s because your Dad died’ ran through his head. He sighed. Which David took as directed at him. 

‘I’m sorry I’m so  _ exasperating _ ’ David said, throwing the box to the floor with a classic flourish. He folded his arms fixing Patrick in his gaze. He’d gone from looking like he wanted to pelt David with the tomatoes, to looking like he wanted any other business partner in the world, to just looking confused. David was equally confused, he’d clearly been annoying all day, in ways he had yet to work out the specifics of, but clearly annoying based on Patrick’s responses to him. And now Patrick just looked confused. Still David was stubborn, and not about to back down from what increasingly looked like a petty fight. Well what were holiday weekends for?

‘Well right now I could tell you where I’d like to shove the tomatoes.’ he continued, gesturing at the box at his feet, and storming out for the remainder of the vegetable boxes. ‘Or perhaps you’d prefer a carrot?’ he said slamming them down. He went out again ‘Or better yet, a squash.’ he threw that one down, the mess of boxes in the front of the Store was annoying him now but he wasn’t about to back down now. He went out for the last fruit box ‘Apples? I mean they’d do some damage.’ he said throwing them down for good measure.’ he folded his arms again ‘Or one of the decorative gourds. I’ve got a whole list of vegetables Patrick that I’m apparently incapable of packing up for the millionth time but I have some suggestions for what you can do with!’ He was overreacting, he knew. But he was tired, it had been a busy day, and Patrick had been short and bitchy with him for the last couple of hours and for once he had no clue what stupid thing he’d done- usually Patrick was pretty straight up with informing him directly, and in detail what he was doing to annoy him. 

‘David come on I didn’t mean to-’ Patrick didn’t have the energy to finish, he’d royally fucked this up, and David was ready for a fight he didn’t have in him. And that they didn’t need to have. 

‘Then what? What on earth did I do?!’ David was being marginally hysterical now, the switch in his brain had flicked from ‘petty fight’ to ‘everything is going wrong and it’s my fault’ The fine line between knowing everything was fine, and pushing back just for the sake of a point and his default setting of ‘everything is going to go to hell’ was at times non-existent. ‘I don’t want to fuck things up! But for once I’ve got no idea what I fucked up other than poor vegetable carrying skills!’ he’d hoped that would raise a smile from Patrick, usually his last line of defence was being even more ridiculous so Patrick laughed at him and they could stop fighting. Patrick just looked down, suddenly interested in the counter. David’s stomach dropped, he’d been quiet all day, off somehow, he’d said it was nothing, that he didn’t feel well, but what if all this was something he’d done, something that was brewing beyond today and David had no idea what. Panic fully rose in him now ‘Patrick! You but you have to tell me what I’ve done because I can’t fix it!’

David’s voice was high and fused with panic. He’d really fucked this up, David’s insecurity and anxiety had well and truly kicked in and he was convinced he’d done something terrible. Patrick wasn’t quite thinking straight enough to quell it though so again he heard himself shout, ‘You didn’t do anything!’ 

‘Then what? What on earth is going on?!’ David shouted back. Then paused and said really softly, so that he barely heard. ‘Patrick please tell me.’

He had no way of knowing, he was just begging to know what had caused his normally level-headed boyfriend to act so unreasonably. Patrick clenched his fists as something rose in his chest, not quite a sob or cry- no tears came out but he breathed in and out rapidly and tried to compose himself. He knew David was watching him intently. He leaned on the counter, dipping his head between his arms for a second steadying himself. The world was spinning, David was wound up, this wasn’t how he intended to do this. 

‘I have to tell you something.’

‘Ok...is this a like ‘you did something wrong something or a I’m moving to Alaska-’

‘No David listen a second would you.’ he still hadn’t properly looked up. 

Something in Patrick’s tone snapped him to attention. He stopped flailing around with gourds and stood still. ‘What?’ he said, frowning. Something wasn’t right, the colour had really drained from Patrick’s face this time and he looked like he was clinging onto the counter for dear life. 

He finally looked up and locked eyes with David, his big brown eyes were wide and his eyebrows were sky high in confusion and concern. ‘Patrick what?’ he repeated. 

Patrick swallowed, and spoke slowly, ‘David, um this morning my, well, my Dad?’ he wasn’t sure why it came out like a question, ‘Um, my Dad died David. He died this morning. My um Dad.’

He stood there frowning, not sure what to do now. 

David blinked. ‘Your what?’ he shook his head and himself to life, his brain hadn’t caught up with his body yet, but pure instinct took him scrambling across the store, except the boxes he’d thrown down were in his way, and instead of making it to Patrick he tripped over the tomato box and went hurtling towards the floor. He just about saved himself landing awkwardly half on a knee half an elbow. Before he knew it Patrick was at his side kneeling next to him. 

‘You ok?’ he checked. 

David did a quick assessment ‘Nothing broken.’ he confirmed, then his brain caught up ‘Patrick…’

His face finally crumpled ‘My Dad died David.’

David pulled him quickly and fiercely into a hug. ‘I’m so sorry.’ He said holding as tight as he could ‘I love you and I’m so sorry.’ 

He held on tightly, feeling Patrick cling to him. He couldn’t tell if he was crying, he was very still, very quiet. So David just held on for a bit longer. He felt Patrick release him a bit, and they pulled back a little, David shifting the leg he’d landed awkwardly on. Patrick didn’t let go but he wasn’t looking at him. 

‘Hey.’ he said, putting a hand to his cheek. Patrick flicked his eyes up at him. 

‘I know you’re mad I didn’t say anything.’ 

David knitted his eyebrows together and shook his head. ‘You just told me.’ He couldn't kneel on one knee anymore so he guided both of them to sit on the floor among the boxes, leaning against the centre counter. He let Patrick have some space for a second, they were sitting close but not touching. 

‘I waited all day to tell you.’ he continued, ‘I hid it from you. And I know you think that’s what I do- hide things from you- and I’ve hidden this and…’ he shrugged. 

‘When did you find out?’ David asked. 

‘6.47 this morning.’ Patrick would have the time burned into his mind for a long time. 

David smiled sadly at the precision. ‘Well firstly, I am never conscious at that time of the morning.’ he joked. 

‘But shouldn’t I have, I don’t know, woken you up? Burst into tears and cried on you?’

‘Did you  _ want _ to do that?’ David asked evenly, knowing the answer. 

Patrick shook his head. He knew now he really hadn’t. He hadn’t wanted to do that all day. He didn’t know what he wanted, but that wasn’t it. 

‘I’m not  _ great _ at reasonable processing of emotions’ David said, ‘That said when the internet said my Mom died we did run straight to the room next door to check’ Patrick smiled a bit at that, and he took the chance and reached over to take his hand, relieved when Patrick intertwined their fingers. ‘But I figured I’d probably have heard it from my Dad in the next room first so that’s probably not a great comparison. Also can you imagine my Mom doing something like dying anything less than full Evita mode?’ he hoped it was the right tack and was incredibly relieved when his silliness got a chuckle from Patrick. 

He knew underneath it how deeply the Roses cared for one another, so David’s joking also reminded him how deeply David would feel any loss- even for his jokes. In his own way, even when deflecting slightly to give them a breather, David was letting him know he felt his pain. 

David paused for a second, after his joke, then added, ‘But maybe you needed some...time? To figure it out.’ he decided to plough on with this line of thought, ‘I think by now I have a good idea of how you do things, so, I’m taking a stab at you needing time to think, work some of this out in your own head before you told anyone. And anyone includes me, because you knew I’d cry on your behalf-’ on cue tears pricked at his eyes and he wiped at his face with his free hand. ‘And you needed to have some time to get your head around it first.’

Patrick shrugged ‘I guess.’ he glanced over just in time to see David wiping at his eyes and smiled sadly, ‘Hey it’s ok.’ he said. David shrugged and wiped at his eyes, and before he knew it his own face was damp again. 

‘And to talk to your Mom again. At lunchtime?’ David added. 

Patrick smiled and wiped at his eyes, he wasn’t properly crying he realised just...damp. David really did know him. 

‘While my family either yells at each other or ignores one another, you need to talk things out with yours, it’s sickeningly healthy and functional.’ David smiled. 

Patrick’s face darkened a bit. 

‘What?’ David said with slight panic that he’d said something wrong. 

‘Not this time’ Patrick said sadly, he felt David squeeze his hand in question, ‘I um, had no idea he was so sick, all this was a total shock. But Mom I guess…’ he shrugged. He really had no idea. 

‘He’s been sick for a long time though right?’ David said softly, ‘I mean I know he was doing ok, but, these things...stick around right?’ he ran his thumb over Patrick’s hand as he spoke. 

‘Yeah. I guess. And I guess it was quick and maybe she thought...he’d get better again. He always got better again.’ that caught in Patrick’s chest and he breathed deeply.

David watched him intently. He was a bit lost here. A lot lost. They’d been through a fair few ‘big’ things together already, but this was the first really big thing. Life altering big. He really hoped he was up to it. He wasn’t well versed in what he should be doing now, but he knew he had to follow his partner’s lead. So he waited. 

‘I’m sure she had her reasons.’ Patrick said, closing that box for now. 

David nodded, that seemed like questions for another day. Today had probably already felt about three days long. He genuinely wasn’t upset Patrick had waited to tell him. Yes, he would have been the shouting and waking up his boyfriend type. He imagined he might be the throwing things type. Patrick was different, he needed time, space. He needed to reason things out and plan. He probably planned this conversation fifty times today, none of which involved tomatoes. David couldn’t help it, he laughed.

‘God I’m so sorry.’ he said with a sideways look at Patrick ‘I um, just had the ridiculous thought that nowhere, in all the times you had this conversation with me in your head did you think we’d be sat surrounded by slightly gone off tomatoes.’

Patrick looked around, there were indeed an array of now squashed tomatoes, along with carrots, apples and a few decorative gourds, that had come unleashed by David’s throwing. He laughed, and it felt good. He thought about David throwing them and laughed some more. He smiled. 

‘Imagine if I’d actually thrown them.’ David said, ‘You could have told me while ducking rotten fruit.’

Patrick laughed again, ‘Oh I’d have got you back with them. I’ve got a great pitching arm.’

‘I don’t know what that means.’

‘Means I can pelt you with fruit from across the Store and hit you with it David’ Patrick said with a smirk. To make the point he reached for a nearby gourd and threw it gently at David with his free hand. David made zero attempt to catch it watching it bounce softly off his legs and onto the floor. 

‘And that is why I am never playing baseball again.’ David said with a smirk.

‘Once was probably enough.’ Patrick’s face fell a bit again.

‘Baseball?’ David asked. Patrick nodded, pulling his knees up to his chest. 

‘I guess that’s just what it’s going to be from now on think of something and…’ he trailed off with a shrug. 

David nodded, giving it a beat before asking ‘So what’s the plan?’ 

Patrick smiled, then remembering what David had said before ‘You knew I spent all day having this conversation in my head?’ 

David shrugged, ‘Call it one thing I know we’d share’ for Patrick it was control and planning, for David it was rehearsing anxiety fuelled conversations. Weirdly two sides of the same coin in that respect. Patrick leaned over and rested his head on David’s shoulder. Enjoying the moment of quiet, both outside and in his head. 

‘So, what is the plan?’ David asked again in part out of his own anxiety, he assumed Patrick was going to go home. And he needed to know when, for how long, what that meant for him, for the Store. It was selfish and he immediately felt terrible. But also to help, he needed to know, to plan, he was no use if he was caught up in worrying about the unknown. Again, two sides of the same coin. 

‘Thanksgiving.’ Patrick answered sitting up. 

‘What? No, we’re cancelling that, all of it.’ David waved his hands. 

‘No. We’re not.’ Patrick said, taking David’s hand in his. 

‘But your....aren’t you going….what about your?’ he didn’t have fully formed sentences.

‘Yes, yes eventually- probably Tuesday, and staying with her sister probably.’ Patrick was quite proud of his ability to translate unfinished David-thoughts. 

David hummed. ‘But are you sure you want…’ he gestured at the gourds for want of a better way to explain it. 

‘I need to be busy.’ Patrick said ‘We’ve got a busy day at the Store to get through for a start, I’m not leaving you to that alone, it won’t make any difference if I left tonight, tomorrow or even if I’d got in the car at 7 this morning. I mean he’d still be-’ he cut himself off, realising as he spoke for the frist time part of what his Mom had been saying but not saying. He was already too late, so he might as well wait. David wrapped an arm around him and pulled him in. 

‘You couldn’t have known.’ he said ‘It’s just how it happens sometimes I guess.’

‘Mom said he wanted us to have Thanksgiving.’ David squeezed him a little, ‘I was ready to jump in the car and drive home tonight.’ he continued, it was only right to fill David in on what he’d gone through today, and it felt good to finally say it too, ‘I thought she was being, I don’t know all stoic and Mom-like, you know the British heritage in my family is strong, very ‘stiff upper lip.’’ He did a terrible British accent and David laughed. 

‘I would love to know what ancestry my family is drawing on because despite being a delightfully mixed bag, we are all suitably dramatic.’ David said 

‘Oh I think the Rose DNA is quite unique’ Patrick smiled. ‘Anyway’ he continued, ‘She made a good point, that the two of us sat at home staring at each other all week isn’t going to help much. And that she wants to do Thanksgiving with the family, and if we’re both there, that’s two of us bringing the festive mood down.’ he shrugged, ‘And she said my Dad had been talking about Thanksgiving all week, talking about how it was my first with.’ he stopped his voice catching a bit, and he felt David’s arm come to rest on his shoulders ‘The first with my new family…sorry they’re a bit, enthusiastic that way.’

David couldn’t have spoken if he’d wanted to. He rested his head on Patrick’s biting his lip. So recently he’d been Patrick’s ‘business partner’ and nothing more. Now his family considered him family. And his heart broke a bit that he’d never get to know such an important person from his partner’s life now. He tightened his arms around Patrick again. 

‘She said he was really proud of that.’ Patrick continued, his voice cracking again ‘He kept talking about stuffing recipes and corn mazes.’ Patrick laughed as a few tears escaped down his cheeks. He wiped them away. ‘So I think she’s right.’ he concluded, ‘I think it’s right, we do as planned, Saturday is our day out, Corn Maze and pumpkins and whatever the hell else you do at those things, Monday is our first big Rose-Brewer Thanksgiving, and Tuesday…’ he shrugged. 

‘Tuesday you can go see your Mom.’ David leaned over and kissed the top of his head. ‘That sounds...right.’ he said, he couldn’t think of a better word, ‘If it’s what you want, that’s what we’ll do.’

‘I think it is.’ Patrick said. 

‘Well ok then.’ David smiled, ‘Corn Mazes, and Turkey, and pie. And we deal with the rest next week.’ 

Patrick nodded at him, and David shifted so he could face him, and reached out a hand to Patrick’s cheek, he brushed away another stray tear. ‘I mean it.’ he said ‘ _ We  _ will deal with it.’ 

Patrick nodded, and leaned in gratefully as David kissed him. Then rested his forehead on his chest for a second. ‘Ugh come on, these gourds aren’t going to pick up themselves.’

David nodded, and pulled himself then Patrick upwards. ‘I’ll get the broom’ he offered with a smile. Patrick nodded, and started picking up vegetables. 

‘Fuck!’ Patrick heard David exclaim from the back room a few minutes later. 

‘David?’ 

‘Fuck!’ he said again appearing ‘I’ve got to have dinner with my family. I can cancel it’s fine. But also I’m late.’

Patrick smiled in spite of everything. Whirlwind David, was always going to be whirlwind David. 

‘It’s fine, go, I’ll finish here, and get ready for tomorrow.’

David frowned 

‘Really, it’s fine. Look I could do with something to do.’

David nodded and walked towards him. ‘Do you want me to...come over after?’ he didn’t know how much alone time Patrick needed and he was giving him the lead. 

Patrick didn’t hesitate, ‘Yes.’ he said ‘I mean please, I think I might...need that.’ it felt weirdly hard to admit. David to his credit didn’t blink at it just nodded. Then went to get his bag and jacket. 

He stopped in the middle of the floor. ‘Um, what am I ...I mean my family am I…’

Oh. Patrick suddenly realised, he had to tell everyone else. He didn’t know what to say. Luckily David came to his rescue. 

‘Right. No then. Not tonight anyway. Just I’ll, dinner, get that done, come to your place ok?’ he seemed to be convincing himself of the plan ‘we can...figure out the rest tomorrow.’ that seemed the best plan for now frankly. 

Patrick nodded, ‘It’s a plan.’ he hesitated a second, then added ‘It didn’t seem real until I told you. It wasn’t real until I told you.’ he said ‘That’s why…’

David nodded slowly. Accepting what was really an unnecessary apology. ‘Fuck I really am late.’ he crossed the gap between them and scooped Patrick up into a hug, before making his way out. Patrick gave himself a second, listening to the quiet. Before picking up a box and starting to tidy up. The gentle rhythm of it quieting his mind for a bit. 

  
  


David hadn’t imagined dinner with his family would be quite so hard to get through. He’d assumed he was fine. It hadn’t happened to him after all. But all he wanted to do was run home to Patrick and make sure he was ok. 

‘David’ his Dad had said, loudly at him just as they were leaving ‘I said are you coming back to the Motel?’

‘Oh uh, no, going to Patrick’s.’ he said ‘I can walk it’s fine.’

‘Dav-id we haven’t seen you this week.’ his Mother said. 

‘You’re seeing me right now.’ he snapped, then regretted it ‘We’re opening early tomorrow, it just makes sense for me to stay at his, you know so I actually get up in time.’ he hoped his joke at his own expense was enough to deflect. He already felt like he had a guilty secret. 

‘Well, that all makes sense.’ Johnny said ‘Come on we’ll give you a ride it’s been a busy week i’m sure.’

‘Ugh how come he gets a ride and when I want one I get told to walk.’ Alexis huffed and tossed her hair at David ‘Anyway what’s so hard about selling candles.’ 

‘You come and run the Store then.’ David said walking past her to the car. 

‘Well as your Marketing consultant I have some suggestions.’ she pouted. 

‘Whatever.’ David said. 

They managed to pass the car journey with his family giving him ‘advice’ for the Store which was frankly a welcome distraction. He went to get out of the car then stopped. 

‘Don’t forget we’re doing Thanksgiving on Monday.’ he said. ‘Nobody gets to flake out on this.’

‘God David we know when Thanksgiving is.’ Alexis said ‘Will Patrick be making salad because that’s a lot of carbs though.’

‘Ugh make your own salad.’ David said. ‘Look I’m just saying that this is  _ really  _ important to Patrick and I need you all to turn up, and behave yourselves.’ 

‘Da-vid when have we ever not?’ Moria rolled her eyes at him. 

‘Why the drama David. Of course we’ll turn up.’

‘Ok, ok I’m just making sure you know to. And like on time, and stay for the whole thing and everything. And join in if there’s board games. And be nice.’ he wasn’t even sure who to direct that last one at. 

‘We will Son, it’s important to you.’

‘He’s worried about hosting bless.’ Moira said.

‘Ok fine, fine I’m going.’ David opened the door. Aware he’d crossed a line into weirdly paranoid but he had to make sure everything went ok for Monday. 

He made his way upstairs, and quietly opened the door. It was almost dark, one lamp was on, as well as the TV. The volume was low and there was baseball on. He assumed some old game, but who knew. Patrick was curled up in the corner of the sofa watching the TV. 

‘Hey.’ he said softly. 

Patrick turned and smiled at him. He looked fine. He seemed fine. David walked over and kissed him hello. He looked ok. 

‘I’m fine.’ he said with a small smile. ‘I talked to Mom and I’ve just been…’ he gestured at the TV. 

‘Did you eat?’ David asked. 

Patrick frowned, ‘Erm no, what time is it?’ 

‘Like nine.’ David said. 

‘I guess I forgot.’ he shrugged. 

David put a hand on his shoulder before going to the kitchen. 

‘I’m fine.’ Patrick called after him. David ignored him. He spent a few minutes clattering about in the kitchen, boiling the kettle and making two cups of tea, slipping a bit of sugar into Patrick’s as well as his own today. Then he assembled the small plate of food he’d been putting together and went back to the couch. 

‘Here.’ he said handing the plate over and setting the tea down on the table. 

‘Toast with peanut butter on one, regular butter on another. And a banana. The food of surviving any ‘can’t eat’ or ‘don’t want to eat’ moments, carbs, sugar, potassium.’ he paused, ‘And tea, which the British seem to think is a cure for any crisis and maybe they’re right.’ 

Patrick smiled gratefully. He willed himself not to cry over peanut butter on toast. He’d have to get a grip if he was going to make it through the next few days. So instead he quietly ate it while David put up with watching baseball at his side. 

An hour or two later David could feel Patrick getting restless. They’d switched to watching Masterchef, which was a safe neutral tv ground- food and competition seemed to sit well with both of them. But Patrick was fidgeting, checking his phone and generally restless. David reached over and stroked at his arm absently, wondering if he just needed some reassurance. Patrick turned in towards him and kissed him, pulling back a fraction then kissed him again, going deeper this time, asking for something. 

‘Do you…’ David asked between kisses.

‘I think I need…’ he leaned in and kissed him again. Patrick couldn’t explain where it had come from but he suddenly felt the need for ...something. All he could think about suddenly was touching David, being touched by him. Not that the desire for that was exactly alien, still at least once a week he found himself in that can’t keep your hands off each other place. But this was something else, some kind of need for something else. 

David immediately felt the hunger there, there was a kind of desperation to it. Patrick was already grabbing at his sweater, his hands working under there as he kissed him again with a force that would have knocked him over if he’d been standing up. He bumped noses awkwardly, and David pulled it back, took control, a bit like he had in their first few times, guiding Patrick steadying him. He reached a hand up behind Patrick’s head and held him there, kissing him deeply, satisfying what he was after but slowing him just enough. 

‘Ok, yeah, ok.’ he replied already a bit breathless. He knew where it was coming from, that deep seated desire to feel something, anything at a time when everything had gone a bit numb. He’d done it enough times in a fairly self-sabotaging way. But he recognised here, it might just be the thing to if not help, alleviate something. He might not be able to fix anything else, but he sure as hell could do this. If Patrick needed some turning his brain off to just feel for a while he was determined to give it to him. He leaned in, kissing him back deeply, pulling at his shirt and pulling him to his feet at the same time, making their way to the bed. 

Patrick found himself feeling frantic, pulling at David too hard, without any finesse. And he recognised the moment David took control and leaned into it gladly. He needed that steadying hand as much as he needed David to touch him. He gladly deepened their kiss then allowed David to pull him to his feet and to the bed. It felt like a burning in his chest, the need to touch, to be touched. And it felt like it was at once satisfying something, and quelling something. He realised he’d never needed sex like this before. Never craved someone’s touch for something else. He didn’t dare unravel that right now. Instead he concentrated on the sensation of their skin again one another, of grabbing David’s hair in his fingers, feeling the pressure of David’s hand on his spine. 

It turned out to be a fairly short burst of passionate energy. Patrick pushing harder than he normally would, clinging on a bit tighter. David let him, but not too far. He could feel how on the edge Patrick was, he knew also from his own experience using sex as a means to self-medicate his mind how fine a line this was. So he held back just enough. He felt Patrick doing the same. Beyond today, as much as they had fun, sex was a weighted affair still for both of them. And for both of them at one time or another an emotional one. Ever rational, Patrick knew it could be a trigger to a full breakdown in his current raw state. And they both knew he wasn’t ready yet. So David pushed him, gave him what he needed, something to feel, and not think about. Fast and hard and in some ways perfunctory. But also something safe. Something to hold on to. 

It was over really quickly. And Patrick felt his body crash hard and fast. He’d barely caught his breath before he had curled into David, clinging on still, but already falling asleep. David exhaled and wrapped his arms around him tightly. Relieved to give him a moment of peace before whatever was coming next. 

  
  
  



	2. Let's Just Get Through the Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick needs to keep busy to keep from falling apart. David realises he needs support if he's going to get through this. Stevie feels bad for crying over someone else's Dad.

Friday

Patrick fell asleep almost immediately after, which David took as a small victory. He waited, in a way that felt slightly creepy, for a while watching him sleep, just to make sure, before curling around him and letting himself drift off. 

He had no idea what time it was when something woke him up, but it was still dark outside. The fall mornings were increasingly dark so for a second he thought maybe Patrick had got up for the day. He felt around in the bed confirming he was alone, but realising he was also cold. He blinked awake and rolled over. His phone said 4.15, the then heard noise from the kitchen. Sitting up he could make out Patrick sat at the kitchen table. David shook his head to wake himself up a bit before pulling himself out of bed, and across the room. Patrick hadn’t noticed him, but he was sat laptop open, with a notebook next to him deep in concentration. 

‘What are you doing?’ David mumbled. Really 4am was a time he was familiar with going to sleep at but not being awake at. 

Patrick started. He hadn’t heard David move maybe, but he pulled earbuds out and he realised he’d been listening to something. 

‘Sorry’ David muttered. ‘What...it’s 4am…’

‘Go back to bed.’ Patrick frowned, not so much at David but in general confusion. 

Undeterred David leaned in and hugged him before flopping into a chair ‘What’s going on?’ he mumbled, still not quite awake but determined to find out what was wrong. 

‘I just couldn’t sleep so…’

David screwed up his nose ‘Don’t tell me you’re doing accounts at this hour. I trust you as a numbers guy but nobody is a numbers guy at 4am’

‘Wall Street guys might be’ Patrick offered, ‘And no it’s just...other stuff.’ he was embarrassed. And shuffled his notebook, angling the computer away, ‘Really go and get some sleep it’s fine.’

David’s look said it clearly was not fine, and there was little chance of him going back to bed. His look, without saying it clearly said ‘incorrect’. Patrick closed his eyes. ‘Fine’ he said. ‘I’m making lists.’

He showed David two, one was a list of names. The other included ‘House Insurance, Bank accounts, Sell the Car, clear out gutters, check attic for nesting animals.’

Admittedly it was 4am so David was not at his sharpest but he instantly regretted the question ‘Do you have nesting animals?’

Patrick smiled. Half asleep David was always weirdly charming. If a little slow on the uptake. ‘My Mom does. Well maybe. I’m making lists, for when I go home.’ 

David’s brain kicked in then, he nodded slowly. ‘What about the names?’ he said. 

‘People I need to tell.’ Patrick shifted the computer again, it was in an Excel spreadsheet, of course. ‘This is home- school, baseball that sort of thing, This one is extended family Mom might not have got to, This is Dad’s work colleagues from past that I know of, I’ll need to check in with Mom on that one, this one is other friends of mine from home, college work or whatever. And this one is everyone here.’ 

David blinked a few times ‘That is thorough.’ he frowned ‘What’s the colour coding?’ 

‘How I need to tell them, phone, email, in person, undecided. Obviously the more elderly people I’ll need to call, I figure old acquaintances email is fine, people around here I guess mostly in person.’ 

David shook his head, ‘I don’t want you worrying about that. I can take care of them.’

Patrick smiled warmly, ‘That’s kind really, and maybe I’ll take you up on some of it, like Ronnie maybe’ he smiled at his own joke, they were no longer enemies really, ‘but I probably need to do it myself.’ 

‘You don’t need to do it by yourself.’ David said stubbornly. 

Patrick nodded at him and leaned in for a kiss. ‘I love you.’ he said. 

David rubbed a hand up and down Patrick’s arm. ‘You’re freezing.’ he said ‘How long have you been out here.’

Patrick glanced at the clock, ‘Couple of hours?’ he shrugged ‘I did then run out of things to do, i don’t know how much Mom has planned the funeral so I did some research there, also some research back home on groups she can join for widows, and counsellors and stuff.’ he took a breath ‘Actually I was about to start on some inventory lists when you got up.’ 

While he’d been speaking, David had got up and grabbed one of Patrick’s hoodies. He handed it to him along with a pair of socks. Patrick dutifully put them on. 

‘You know you don’t have to do all this, and do it right now.’ it sounded stupid as soon as he said it. 

‘I just feel...responsible.’ Patrick said. ‘And like I need to do something, from here.’

David bent down in front of him, ‘Ok, just maybe hold off a round robin email until you speak to your Mom next ok? And as gross as it is, maybe just a Facebook status telling everyone? Then turn off the notifications and log out. You aren’t responsible for everyone else’s feelings on this, you have to look after you, and your Mom, that’s your responsibility.’ 

Patrick frowned at David, how was he so level headed and well versed in this. 

‘I’ve got experience looking after family members don’t forget.’ he said, ‘Transferable skills.’ 

Patrick nodded and closed the computer. 4am emails about death were probably not a wise choice, and he felt better having done something. 

‘Do you want to go back to bed or…?’ 

Patrick shook his head, ‘I won’t sleep now, you go.’ he jerked his head in the direction of the bed. David shook his head, stood up and pulled Patrick to his feet and to the couch. He flopped down dramatically, and pulled Patrick with him, who groaned a bit on impact but gratefully settled in. He heard David fussing with something and then heard the sound of the radio through what he assumed was his phone that David had picked up. He’d been listening to a sports talk radio station, and David played it through the speakers. Patrick looked up and he had closed his eyes again. He didn’t remember ever telling him that he listened to the radio when he couldn’t sleep but maybe he’d worked it out. ‘Thanks’ he muttered into his chest. He felt David’s arms around him in answer, as they both lay there and dozed to the sound of baseball scores and football analysis. 

His relaxed state didn’t last, and by 6.30 his body clock had kicked in and pulled him fully awake. He turned off the phone and kicked off his alarm as David was sound asleep under him. He immediately felt bad as the angle he was propped up on the sofa didn’t look comfortable. Although he was wide awake he wasn’t ready to move. He put his head back on David’s chest trying to concentrate on the rhythm of his breathing. Subconsciously he knew what he was doing, and he hated it. But he also couldn’t help himself. He watched the clock shift slowly round. Eventually from 6.45, 6.46, 6.47. 

24 hours. It had been 24 hours since his Dad died. Realistically he knew that milestone had passed at 2am. But it wasn’t real until he knew, so really it was 6.47 in the morning. He wondered how long that was going to last. Thinking about it every time he saw that time of the morning. Thinking about how many days. 

He hauled himself off David, pausing to kiss the top of his head, and smiling when he squirmed in his sleep, and got up to get ready for the day. It felt a bit like swimming through treacle, but by the time he was showered and dressed he felt slightly more human. David stirred on the couch just as he was making coffee. 

‘Morning’ he muttered stretching, craning his neck to look into the kitchen ‘You ok?’

‘Yeah.’ Patrick said nodding at the coffee, ‘Breakfast?’ 

David nodded, taking it as a sign they weren’t talking about anything this morning. And given he didn’t really function until 10am, that was probably better. Instead he settled for snuggling into his boyfriend in the kitchen as a good morning, and making sure between waking up and getting to work he offered a hand, a hug or kiss whenever was appropriate. And on a couple of occasions when it wasn’t. They were ready to open when Patrick finally paused and fixed David with his ‘I’ve got something to say’ look. 

‘Let’s just get through the day yeah?’ he said, ‘It’s gonna be busy, and that’s good. I’m ok, really David, I can do it.’

David nodded. If Patrick said busy was what he needed, he trusted that. ‘What about...people, you know people we know, if they come in?’

‘It’s not the time is it?’ Patrick said with a shrug. ‘Honestly I’d rather just pretend it’s the busy holiday shopping day...if I have to stop and talk to whoever, I don’t think I’ll…’ he trailed off with a shrug and David bounded the couple of steps between them to hug him one last time before they opened. 

‘Then everything is normal, it’s just a holiday shopping weekend.’ David declared, ‘We’ll leave the rest of it at home for the day. Yeah?’ 

Patrick looked up at him gratefully. ‘Yeah.’

‘Alright then, Thanksgiving shoppers come at us!’ it was an exaggerated burst of enthusiasm even for David, but his bounce over to the door, and extra flourish opening the door made Patrick genuinely laugh. 

As it turned out, they didn’t have to pretend much. Once the store opened and it got busy, both of them got caught up in the rush and the joy of having a busy Store. Had Patrick stopped to think he might have felt guilty, but also he was just very proud of what they were doing as he was every time they were doing well in the Store. And actually so would his Dad have been. 

It was a great day, even in the circumstances. Everyone was in a good mood, there was lots of enthusiasm for their holiday stock. And they were busy. Good busy. Patrick loved to watch David with customers, for all his sulking and disdain for other humans, he was truly brilliant at working with customers, and in a few stolen moments when the register was quiet, Patrick just enjoyed watching his partner with pride. At about 4pm, when things quieted down he called David over. 

Expecting to just be dispatched to the back for supplies David sauntered over. 

‘Come here’ Patrick said again gesturing behind the counter. 

‘What?’ David asked. 

Patrick pulled him in by the waist and looked up ‘I’m really proud of us.’ he said with a smile. 

David frowned, ‘What for?’ 

Patrick jerked his head at the Store, ‘All this. What we built.’ 

David bit his lip, grinning ‘Me too.’ he said as Patrick leaned up to kiss him. 

‘But’ Patrick said as they pulled apart, ‘The bath salts need restocking, and the candles’ 

David groaned, ‘I knew there was a catch.’

‘Two more hours of trading, we don’t want to lose out.’ Patrick gave him a wink. ‘I’ll do the vegetables’ he added ‘just in case you want to pelt me with them.’ 

David leaned in once more for a kiss, but did as he was told. A few moments after they both finished, another rush appeared, and they didn’t stop until actually 6.30 when the last customer left. David turned the sign, and without being asked, started to bring the mostly empty vegetable boxes in. 

‘I’ll box up some for the weekend’ David said, ‘You might as well take them with you tonight. I said we’d pass on any that’ll go off to the cafe?’

‘Yeah sure.’ Patrick said from the counter as he started to check the day’s takings. 

‘There’s a tonne of restocking to do.’ David said making a face, ‘You’re going to shoot me down but what if we had dinner first and came back?’

Patrick paused, realising he hadn’t thought about this evening. Not consciously at least. Suddenly the thought of going to the cafe felt like a lot. 

‘I um…’ he didn’t have an end to that sentence. 

‘Got it.’ David said ‘I’ll go and get us some food, we can eat it here while we restock.’ he paused tilting his head ‘and I’ll go back to the Motel tonight.’

‘David I didn’t…’

‘You need some time alone.’

‘I didn’t say anything…’

David smiled, ‘You didn’t have to.’ he crossed the store and leaned on the counter. ‘It’s ok.’ he said looking up at Patrick and reaching a hand out, which he took. ‘Really it’s ok.’

Patrick nodded. ‘Go get dinner then.’ he said ‘I’ll do this.’ 

David nodded and did as he was told. He was back within 15 minutes and Patrick’s head was still in the till. He took Patrick’s dinner out and put it on the counter, then tied his back up in its bag. He scooted behind Patrick for his bag and jacket. 

‘Don’t let that get cold.’ he said, pulling his jacket on. 

‘What are you doing?’ Patrick asked, finally looking up from the till. 

‘Going home.’ David said ‘With my fries’ he patted the cafe bag. 

‘But we…’ Patrick gestured at the Store. 

‘If this is a ‘David you’re being lazy stay’ I will’ he said ‘but if it’s ‘I don’t feel like I can kick you out’ you can, I’m kicking myself out.’ he waited, slowly Patrick nodded. 

‘Ok then.’ David said. Satisfied he was right, and he needed the space right now. ‘Call if you need me.’ he said ‘And then you can pick me up tomorrow morning?’ 

Patrick nodded again, still focused on the till in front of him. 

‘Don’t stay here too late ok?’ David continued, knowing Patrick would, when given the option, stay and work to distract himself. ‘And eat your dinner’

Again he nodded. He felt David appear at his side, and wind his arms around him sideways, kissing his cheek. ‘It’s messy as fuck all this. Don’t beat yourself up over not being in control of it all ok?’ David knew that was partly a useless sentiment, control was what Patrick needed. Control was partly why he needed to be alone for a bit. But also he wanted him to know he understood, even if he didn’t understand. 

Patrick reached a hand up to David’s arm and squeezed a silent thank you, leaning his head into him for a moment. David clattered about behind him for a few moments gathering his stuff. He stood in front of the counter adjusting the giant scarf he’d worn that morning. Patrick watched him for a moment, a part of him regretting his decision to say go, but also knowing he needed some time. 

‘Ok I’m gonna go.’ he said. He really didn’t want to leave, but he also knew space was part of supporting Patrick. ‘C’mere.’ he said with a tilt of his head. 

Patrick gave him a half smile and walked around the counter and into his arms. David wrapped him up in a tight hug, and held on a little too long, as ever. Patrick gratefully leaned in. They pulled apart and Patrick tilted his head up to kiss him. 

‘Thank you.’ he said when they pulled apart ‘I love you.’ 

‘Love you.’ David said back, with a little nod. 

He gave a little wave as he left, leaving Patrick to the quiet of the store. 

David walked back to the Motel enjoying a bit of quiet time, and the crisp evening air. He got as far as the Office and peered in, Stevie was still at the desk, so he pushed the door open. 

‘I have fries’ He declared. 

‘And you’re willing to share?’ Stevie asked incredulously. 

‘I got you your own fries’ he said with a tone of ‘obviously’ it wasn’t that David didn’t share food, it was just, certainly right now fries seems a necessity. ‘I may give you half my burger.’ 

‘Are there pickles on it?’

‘Yes.’ again, obviously. 

‘Good.’ She pulled herself up from the desk as he flopped onto the sofa. He smirked as he pulled out actually, a burger for her too. 

‘Wow you know how to treat a girl’ Stevie said with a grin. 

‘Don’t get too used to it.’ he said unpacking the food and arranging it on the take away cartons. The cafe might not be fine dining but they knew their way around a dirty burger. 

Stevie followed suit, opening up her dinner and arranging it to eat. Leaning over and stealing David’s extra pickle earning her a slap on the hand but she was faster than he was. ‘No but seriously’ she said shoving fries into her mouth ‘To what do I owe this honour?’

He shrugged, ‘We’ve both been busy, I knew you were on the late shift today, thought I’d treat us.’

‘Has Patrick kicked you out to start cooking for the weekend then?’ she asked with a smirk. 

He tried not to wince. ‘Something like that.’ he said, then quickly got out his phone and checked, no messages. ‘Just checking he hasn’t burned the apartment down yet.’ he said setting his phone down. 

‘You guys were busy the last few days though? In the Store? That’s pretty awesome!’

‘Mmm.’ David agreed, ‘He says it’s business planning, I say it’s impeccable taste.’

Stevie laughed. ‘The perfect blend.’ she took a bite of fries ‘Just pretentious enough.’

David glared at her. The shared mockery his best friend and his boyfriend had was equal parts irritating and endearing. Though he often considered stealing one or both of their phones and deleting their text conversation. 

‘I can’t believe he’s cooking for seven on Monday.’ Stevie continued, ‘I can barely cook for one.’

‘Well you’d have to buy some food for that to happen, not just booze’ he quipped. 

‘Says the culinary genius’ she replied dipping her fries into his ketchup. ‘Hey did Patrick get that cake recipe off his Mom? Some kind of coffee cake thing he was talking about at rehearsal the other day, and her Victoria Sponge...he had grand cake plans, I hope he remembers to cook the turkey.’

‘Oh I don't know. Also we got super busy at the Store, so maybe don’t get your cake hopes up too high, it might just be the pies from the Store. I mean they are divine so you know.’

‘You guys are closed all weekend, he has time! Anyway isn’t he at home baking right now?’ Stevie put her burger down, ‘Actually I’m surprised you aren't there either supervising or enacting some fucked up Great British Bake Off fantasy.’

‘First of all food is for eating and should not be sullied by including it in debauched acts.’ David said quite seriously, ‘Secondly you know how take-charge-controlling-guy Patrick does not mix well with ‘not really got anything to do’ me, honestly I’m doing our relationship a favour by hanging out with you.’

‘It’s true. We have you on a sort of timeshare for that reason.’ She carried on eating for a moment ‘I’m going to text and ask him about the cake. If I don’t get coffee cake on Monday I’ll be very upset.’ 

She whipped out her phone, 

‘No don’t!’ David exclaimed a little too forcefully. 

‘I’m just asking about cake. I promise I won’t tell on your burger eating. Or your date with me’

‘Stevie don’t he’s probably busy and-’

‘So he’ll pick up later.’ She finished typing ‘David calm down we don’t actually talk about you that much you’re not that interesting.’ 

‘I just think you shouldn’t like put so much pressure on someone who is hosting, just for a cake.’ 

‘David you literally demand he orders you pizza every Friday.’

‘That’s ordering not cooking.’ 

‘And at least once a month you make him cook a pot roast and pie for desert and you sell pies in your store.’

David didn’t have a comeback. All of that was true. What he didn’t want was Patrick freaking out about hosting a stupid dinner, or feeling like he had to literally anything. But maybe he really did want to be busy, and him stopping Stevie texting would look like he was wrapping him in cotton wool or something. But maybe he should have done that, maybe he should have insisted on staying over, but not staying over was what Patrick wanted, he wanted space. His mind was spiralling and quickly. Stevie cut through it with a 

‘David!’ 

‘What?’ 

‘I said if you’re not going to eat that pickle.’ she leaned in and took it anyway. Her phone pinged. ‘Ha!’ she said smugly, showing him the phone. 

‘Starting operation cake tonight don’t worry’ 

It pinged again

‘Tell David I’m making cookies tomorrow’ 

She smirked showing it to him. David half smiled. ‘Baking cookies’ had become an unfortunate in-joke since the giant cookie incident. It did mean actual cookies, which Patrick used to mark stupid occasions now, just to irrirate him. But since they’d also used ‘baking cookies’ to celebrate the anniversary of their first night ...it also meant something else. 

Which of course Stevie knew. 

‘I bet you are.’ she muttered texting the same back. 

David swallowed the last bite of his burger. Something in that hitched at his chest. He knew Patrick was, at the other end of the phone doing his best to sound normal to Stevie. Making stupid jokes. Talking about baking. 

Stevie snorted. 

‘What?’ he asked. 

‘All your Paul Hollywood fantasies come true’ she read. ‘Ew. And ew. There are some things I do not need to know’ she read as she was typing. 

David tried to smile, he really did. He considered deflecting her a while longer just letting it play out. He considered just staying out of however Patrick planned to do all this. But instead He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. 

‘Can I tell her? X’ 

There was barely a second of typing before the reply. 

Could you? I don’t know how...x

His chest tightened. He wasn’t sure he did either but, he’d give it his best shot. And better he fuck it up alone here, really. 

Of course. 

He hesitated 

I’d take it all for you if I could. x

I’m sorry to ask you...x 

Thank you. X

‘Hey, stop texting your boyfriend, you can send him filthy messages all night.’

Stevie grabbed the phone from him, she just meant to sit on it or put it under a napkin or something. 

‘Tell me what?’ She said. 

David bit his lip and looked down. Stevie read the rest of the messages. 

‘Did something happen? Are you two? Did you two...David tell me you two haven’t…?’

‘What? No. Why is that your go-to thank you?’ 

‘It’s not, but when I read ‘I don’t know how to tell her’ I’m gonna start to worry.’ 

‘Why because it’s me?!’ David wasn’t sure why he was spiralling on this particular defensive given the circumstances but old habits died hard. 

‘Um, no because my two best friends are pretty fucking annoyingly perfect for each other and I don’t want that to end.’ she snapped ‘So what, the fuck is it then?’

David blinked. Not sure what to do with the twin information about her ‘two best friends’ being ‘perfect’ or the looming need to tell her about what was really going on. He brought him back off the edge of that particular cliff by remembering Patrick was relying on him for this. He exhaled and rested his head in his hands for a second, before turning to Stevie. He must have looked particularly pathetic because her expression softened and she held out his phone. 

Stevie felt something in her chest sink, David looked genuinely, not worried which was a default setting, but sad. She’d not seen him look that way other than the moments he thought he’d fucked everything up with Patrick- after Rachel came first, and recently when he thought Patrick was hiding him from his parents, and later when he thought he’d ruined things. But if the problem wasn’t them, she couldn’t for the life of her work out what might make David look that way. 

‘David come on. I don’t want to play a guessing game here.’ 

He nodded, ‘Sorry.’ he said, ‘For yelling.’ he exhaled, Patrick was right this was harder than it seemed just to say. ‘His Dad died.’ he bit his lip and looked at her. 

‘What?’ that was the last thing she expected to hear, ‘But they were just...here. He was just here? He was fine, what the fuck?’

‘He’d been ill for a while. Since Patrick was a kid really.’ David explained ‘He doesn’t really talk about it.’ David realised as he said it how little they had talked about it. Patrick had told him early on, before they were anything more than business partners about his Dad being ill when he was a kid. It had come up in a roundabout way to do with College applications. He’d asked him directly about it early on, when they were having one of those long ‘getting to know each other late at night’ type talks, and slightly drunk, and pulled in by the intimacy of talking in bed wrapped around each other, David had got most of the story. Of him being in and out of remission for years, but mostly being ok now. How his parents mostly tried to protect him still, his frustration with that. He cursed himself for letting it lie then. But also Patrick hadn’t known, he reminded himself. He’d mentioned his Dad having some tests about a month ago, but he hadn’t been worried. He hadn’t been worried David reminded himself. 

Stevie wiped at her eyes. ‘Sorry, I don’t know why I’m… it’s not like it was my…’ she sniffed. 

David shrugged. ‘Brings back, memories and stuff.’ he looked at her sideways. You could never gauge whether Stevie wanted to run away from you or ‘Oof’ he said out loud as she threw herself into him in a sideways hug. He wrapped an arm around her and she half buried herself into him. After a second or two he realised she was sobbing, so he tightened his arm and waited. Again with Stevie you just had to let her lead. After a while she stopped sobbing and he heard a slight sniffling. 

‘It’s ok this sweater needed dry cleaning anyway.’ he said. 

‘Just buy clothes you can wash already.’ she mumbled. But buried her face into it for good measure, before hauling herself up. Her eyes were red and she wiped at her face before crossing her legs and sitting next to him, close enough to be sort of touching but not quite, though she kept her gaze fixed straight ahead. 

She’d never told David about her Dad. Not really, but she guessed there were enough clues he had some idea. Still she probably should explain that particular outburst. She wiped at her face again angrily. 

‘Stupid, I mean crying over someone else’s loss. Who the fuck does that?’

‘Either really empathetic people or total narcissists.’ David replied, ‘I cried too, if that tells you anything.’ 

She laughed, then finally properly stopped crying. She paused for a long time, and David let her. 

‘He died when I was 19.’ she said, ‘He was...not a good person.’

David watched her stare down at her lap, there were a fair few blanks still with Stevie. He waited again. 

‘Like not ‘call the cops’ bad, but bad enough bad you know.’

‘Like the deadbeat husband in Waitress bad, like you’re not scared for your life every day but you’re trapped in a shitty life bad.’

‘The musical or the film?’ 

‘Oh the musical Sara Bareillies is a Queen obviously.’ he put a hand on her shoulder checking in. 

‘My Mom sobbed during that movie like I’d never seen. I was like 20? 21? He’d been gone like a year or so. And you know I’m dead inside so I was just like ‘what the fuck’ but I watched it again like three years ago and it was like...looking in a mirror. A much better looking mirror but still.’

‘Don’t even be ridiculous.’ David muttered, ‘Besides do you really want a Nathan Fillon?’

‘You could do worse in life than a Nathan Fillon.’ Stevie said. ‘Anyway, yeah it was, not a fun ride, growing up. Whatever. And I was 19 and off in college, and like how are you supposed to react when your Dad that you suspect didn’t like you very much, who cheated on your Mom who sometimes…’ she looked down at her lap again, ‘When you’re supposed to like cry, and be all sad and really you’re just…’

David waited for her to carry on but she didn’t say anything. 

‘A bit relieved?’ he ventured. 

‘You can’t say that.’ she said. 

‘You can’t. I can.’ he nudged her with his shoulder. She looked at him finally. 

‘I’m angry about it.’ she said ‘I didn’t even get to grieve for my Dad like a normal person because of how he was...like if he was a murderer or something it would be fine to say ‘oh well he’s dead and we’re all better off’ but when someone’s just not quite bad enough to be terrible...I’m...oh fuck.’ 

David raised his eyebrows. 

‘I’m jealous.’ she said her eyes wide, ‘I’m jealous of Patrick and I’m a terrible person. Oh god.’ it was suddenly clear to her, Patrick and every other person she’d known who got to grieve like a normal person. She rested her head in her hands and groaned. ‘How fucked up is that?’ she said sitting up, ‘How fucked up am I?’

‘As fucked up as having a shitty but dead Dad makes you?’ David shrugged. ‘But who isn’t a mess because of their parents, or their past or whatever.’

‘Well not you of course.’ she said some of her usual sparkiness returning. She looked over and David was sat eyes wide and patient listening. As much as he was still David he was also so different. Two years ago she’d have doubted his ability - not even doubted, known he wouldn’t possibly cope. ‘You know you’ve got this right?’ she said, in case he needed to hear it, ‘Like you will get him through this. You’re the reason he will get through this.’ 

He bit his lip, looking down. ‘I don’t know, I’m historically not very good-’

‘Nope.’ she said, ‘Not listening.’ he was back looking up, eyebrows high. ‘Historically nothing. You right now are able to do this. You’re good at it even.’ 

He blinked ‘What do you mean?’ 

Stevie grinned, he really had no idea what a good boyfriend he was, mostly at least. ‘You gave him space when he needed it. You did the hard thing telling me for him. You’re already better at it than you think.’

David smiled, then dropped it. Was it terrible to feel pleased about being good for a grieving boyfriend. He thought for a moment ‘He didn’t tell me all day yesterday.’ he began, ‘He was worried I’d be angry he hid it.’

‘And were you?’ she asked her face neutral. 

He shook his head and shrugged, ‘I get it, he needed time to think, he didn’t want it to be real yet, he didn’t know how to say it...he just wanted life to be normal, pretend normal, for a bit. I didn’t care.’ he bit his lip and shrugged, and before he could say anything else, he felt a stab in his chest, and tears welled up in his eyes, ‘He looked so sad Stevie, and I can’t do anything.’ 

It all spilled out in that moment, holding it together for Patrick, feeling helpless, and equally shocked at the news. Feeling like he wasn’t going to be able to do this. He let Stevie pull him down and let himself, just for a minute cry about it. About Patrick looking so very sad in a way that only David could really see. He could already see the cracks forming there, and he knew he just had to wait until everything fell apart and Patrick let him help put it back together. And in the meantime, he had to hold it together himself. 

He wiped his face and sat up again, pulling himself together. 

‘Stupid, crying over someone else’s dead Dad.’ he nodded. 

She nodded at him. ‘You know what tonight needs?’

‘All the whiskey you have hidden in the back office?’

She nodded. 

‘Alexis is at Ted’s.’ he said ‘And if we get there now, we can also steal my Dad’s bottle as a back up.’ 

He stood up and pulled her to her feet. She stood there for a minute, looking at him. Eventually she nodded, as did he and then went about their respective missions. 

‘Done. She’s really sorry, (obviously) she cried (I’ll tell you tomorrow). We’re drinking. I promise not to be hungover. Text me before you go to sleep? X’

‘I’m so so sorry. And sorry for making cookie-sex jokes. And typing cookie-sex jokes. I’m sorry. I’m giving David whiskey, for which I’m also sorry. Drinks tomorrow?X’

Patrick smiled at both of them. Glad that David had Stevie, and that he had a Stevie too. But mostly now glad David had her, because he needed some support too. He knew it probably wasn’t easy for David trying to support him through this. If he thought about it too hard it probably wasn’t going to get easier either. But that felt like a path he didn’t want to go down. 

He’d felt such a rush of relief when David had text. As much as he should be telling people, maybe it was ok to let David take some of that. And with Stevie, as much as she and Patrick had their own friendship, she was David’s person, and he knew how to tell her things. He hoped she was ok. David had alluded to her family not being the best...he hoped his news hadn’t unlocked anything terrible for her. Her knowing felt like another weight. Everyone else he could almost face but telling the two people he was closest to had felt like something huge.

He tapped out a reply to Stevie first. 

‘Sorry not to tell you in person. It’s just a lot you know? Look after David for me. X’

Her reply came quickly. 

‘Don’t I always? And don’t worry. I get it. X’

He smiled sadly. They’d talk soon about it, he was sure. He replied to David with a

‘Remember we’ve got 3 hours in a car tomorrow. That’s no fun on a hangover. I’ll send you cake pictures later. X’ 

He looked around the Store. Really he’d only managed to cash out the till, and tidy up a little. He decided the restock could be done another time. Maybe Sunday, it seemed like a Sunday kind of job. And given he’d promised cake baking updates, he might as well head home and do it. 

The baking skill was a surprise to most people. He wasn’t sure why. While yes, there was creativity in baking, it was mostly precision science. He hadn’t been able to do it all the time he lived at Ray’s, mainly because by the time Ray finished talking, the cake mix had all but solidified. So nobody had any idea. David’s face the first time he had produced a cake he’d baked was a very strange combination of shock, awe and almost lust. Actually not almost, if what happened after the cake eating was anything to go by. Patrick strongly suspected that if David hadn’t said ‘I love you’ already the cake would have sealed the deal. And while he didn’t bake all that often-for the sake of their sugar levels if nothing else, he was constantly teased, only half jokingly by David that if things started going wrong they could reopen a bakery instead. He wouldn’t go that far himself but like most other things he liked, he’d put the time into it, studied it and was by now pretty damn good at it. 

Except when he couldn’t find the right pan. Or read the recipe because some idiot had spilled coffee on his coffee cake recipe. He looked at the mess he’d already made in the too-small kitchen. This was not conducive to good cake baking. He put the coffee stained one aside and began on the Victoria Sponge instead. Simple, but important to get everything exactly right, this was the right kind of focused, methodical work he needed. 

He turned the oven on, glad at least that it was new enough he wasn’t playing roulette with temperatures. And then began weighing out ingredients. He could cook this one almost without the recipe, but he never quite risked it. He weighed out the dry ingredients, then the wet and began mixing. The trick with a sponge cake was not over mixing, and it always felt a little bit like artistry to get the mix folded- always by hand, always with a wooden spoon, not metal, while retaining the air. 

He thought about baking at home while he did it. His Dad had baked every one of his Birthday cakes as a kid. A fact that apparently shocked the other parents at his parties. To which his Mom quickly shot down that while she was capable, why not let someone who was better at it do it while she put her feet up? And obviously when Patrick had shown an interest in baking his Dad had taught him. Where he’d learned nobody really knew, it was just something he was good at. His Dad was that way, just good at things. Patrick had always been a study-for-it kind of guy. Little came totally naturally, aside from music. Which he also got from his Dad. 

The one natural talent Patrick had, almost to a fault- it was the one thing that came easy to him, so he never really bothered to study it. Much to his Mom’s disdain, ‘you could have been a musician’ she lamented when he dropped his music classes in favour of baseball, and eventually Business Studies. He hated to tell her he was always more Bryan Adams than Bach, and possibly one Bryan Adams was enough for the world. And besides, he’d never had any interest in making a career out of it. Much like baking it was a thing he was good at that brought him joy. While they baked he would often play his Dad new music he’d discovered, sometimes old music his Dad would laugh at his earnest teenage takes on. Sometimes new music- often terrible early 2000s earnest Indie Pop that he was into, but his Dad would listen and ask him about the bands.

He flicked through his phone for some music with his free hand as he cracked the first egg in. It was suddenly too quiet. He was simultaneously amused and rolling his eyes that David’s supreme laziness- and that Patrick’s phone was newer- meant all his playlists had now been pushed down the list for several of David’s. Mainly pop Divas and a disproportionate amount of Sarah McLachlan currently Patrick noticed. Along with several playlists David had made after he’d been cast in Cabaret to ‘educate’ him on musical theatre. Patrick hadn’t had the heart to tell him he’d been in every play and musical in high school and carried on through college...but his pitch perfect rendition of Sunset Boulevard forced that confession before he could have any more fun with it. 

He opted for a classic rock playlist today. The noise of it drowning out the silence, and filling his brain, along with cake measurements, and making for a pleasant enough nothingness for the time being. 

He put the sponge in the oven. And began cake two, the coffee cake that was now mostly guesswork on the strength of the coffee front, as ironically that’s where the coffee stain obscured the recipe. He realised though it was in his Mom’s handwriting not his. He remembered this one was his Grandma’s on that side- not that he’d met her, she’d had his Mom late, having by all accounts led quite the wild life having moved to Vancouver from Britain in the 50s. She’d died young, in her early 60s, before his parents were even married. But she’d passed on many a wild story, along with a handful of recipes to his Mom. He decided to try calling her. Not just for the cake details he realised as he hit ‘call’. 

She answered right away this time. 

‘Hey Honey.’ she said brightly. 

‘Hey Mom, am I interrupting anything?’ 

‘Not unless you count deciding which trashy wedding show to watch on tv’ she answered. Patrick smiled, his Mom loved wedding shows, mainly she loved judging people’s dress choices. He probably should be thankful he’d never have to be on the receiving end of her judgement there. He pushed away any guilt about depriving her of that in any other way. 

‘You’re on your own?’ he asked, suddenly worried. 

‘Your Uncle just left, like 30 minutes ago- don’t worry so, honestly I needed some time alone.’

Patrick smiled, ‘Ok.’ he said ‘I know the feeling.’ 

‘Did you send David home for the night?’ she asked, knowing the answer. 

Patrick laughed, ‘Yeah, I did.’

‘You may be your Father’s son in most ways, but you get that from me.’ she must have heard the catch in his breath because she added ‘Oh honey don’t be upset.’ 

He nodded to himself. ‘No, no I’m ok.’ he said ‘Actually, speaking of, I’m baking.’

‘Oh how wonderful!’ she said ‘For Thanksgiving’

‘Yeah.’ he said, ‘Actually I wondered, do you have Grandma Barbara’s coffee cake recipe? My copy is ruined.’

‘Oh of course, hold on, I’ll need to go and find it.’

‘Ok I’m going to put you on speaker while I carry on.’ he rested his phone down and resumed assembling the ingredients he needed. As he did the oven beeped and he pulled out the other cake. It looked perfect. He set it out to cool just as his Mom came back on the line. 

‘Got it. Do you want me to read it out?’ she asked. 

‘Sure, let me get something to write with.’ he paused, ‘Actually…’ he said getting an idea ‘Do you want to talk me through it? If you haven’t got anything else to do.’ 

He heard her smile at the other end of the line. ‘I’d love to.’ she said, ‘Save me from myself and trash TV.’ he laughed. 

‘Ok hit me with it.’ he said ‘I’ve got sugar, butter and flour ready to go, but i need to know the coffee mix.’

‘Oh this was Grandma Babara’s secret. She always said it was better with bad instant coffee- you know what the British are like for that- but we can do it with regular coffee.’

She reeled off some instructions, while Patrick followed, he asked, ‘Do you ever think of going to visit her family there- I mean your, our family I guess?’ 

‘Oh I did, but you know having you and your Dad and whatever there was never the time, and in recent years your Dad didn’t want to travel so much.’

‘I didn’t know that’ he interjected. 

‘Mix the coffee in teaspoon by teaspoon remember’ she added, deflecting his question. ‘But maybe, who knows, I’ve got a bunch of cousins or whatever I’ve never met. And it might be nice to see where we came from. Maybe you could come too?’

‘I’d like that.’ he said ‘Right what now?’

They worked through the cake recipe, trading other comments back and forth about baking disasters past, and family recipes he should try. When it was in the oven he settled in at the table half watching it slowly rise, to talk properly. 

‘So how are you doing Mom?’ he said when she finished telling him about one of her baking disasters. 

‘Oh you know.’

‘I don't, that's why I asked.’ He was firm but not rude. 

‘It’s busy right now.’ she said ‘I’ve got the holiday weekend and you know...everything. So there’s lots to keep me busy and that’s good.’

‘Can I help? I made a bunch of lists...last night.’ he said 

She chuckled, ‘Of course you did.’ she said ‘honestly sweetheart, I’ll find plenty for you to do next week for now let me handle it.’ she paused ‘It’s not my first time you know.’

He sighed. Of course. He should have thought. From her own Mom before Patrick was born, through to her Dad, Patrick’s Grandfather when he was just a baby- he had no memories of him. His Mom’s eldest sister also died young, and he remembered his Aunt’s funeral vividly, as a twelve year old, at his first funeral. And on his Dad’s side, both Grandparents, Grandad when he was a month into College, and Grandma about a year later. Add to that a mix of more distant relations, where his Mom ever the caregiver to everyone took on responsibility and supported her siblings or cousins or whoever. He did some quick maths and he remembered at least ten funerals, and there must be more. 

‘A lot of death in our family.’ he said quietly. 

‘Big family, your Dad and I are both the youngest. Were.’ she corrected herself and he didn’t say anything ‘Comes with the territory.’ she paused again ‘I know you find it all hard, and it is but also some aspects you adjust to as you get older.’ she paused again ‘Obviously this is different but this part is...well it’s also the same.’

He nodded, understanding what she was saying. For her it would be worse later, when there was nothing to do. But for him it was worse waiting right now. 

‘Anyway how is David’s family?’ she asked ‘How is Johnny getting on with the Motel?’ His Mom was fascinated with Johnny Rose’s mission to turn the Motel around. And they chatted easily for the next fifteen minutes about the Roses, and Moria’s latest directing revelations, and his singing. And it almost felt normal for a bit. 

The oven timer beeped, and he got up. ‘They’re perfect!’ he declared. 

‘Of course they are!’ she said, ‘Right I’ll leave you be.’

‘Thanks for your help Mom.’ he said. ‘Love you.’ 

‘Love you too.’ she said and hung up. 

He admired the cakes while setting them on the side to cool with the others. He looked down at the oven, and the remaining cooking supplies. As he’d started, he might as well carry on. You couldn’t have too much cake for a holiday he figured. And he could restock the ingredients on the way home tomorrow. Plus imagining David’s face when he saw all the cake might just make up for spending Monday with his family. 

Several hours later, he was wearing a cake batter smeared T shirt and surveying a table of what would be four large cakes, a batch of cupcakes, the cookies he’d promised and a banana bread loaf. His apartment felt like a sauna from the oven being on for hours. His kitchen looked like a warzone. But he had enough cake to last until Christmas. He poked the first couple of cakes, the coffee and Victoria sponge. They were about ready for icing. He checked the clock, it was only 10pm, and he wasn’t remotely tired, so he might as well carry on. He cleaned up the kitchen enough to make a mess again and ploughed on. After another two hours everything was iced, stuffed with frosting and jam and decorated. It took him a full fifteen minutes to find enough containers and space to house them all but he looked back satisfied at a night’s work. 

Looking around after he finished he figured he might as well clean ready for Monday while he was doing the kitchen. So after a deep-post-cake clean there, he started on the rest of the place. 

His phone had been in the corner, playing a constantly shuffling playlist. He picked it up realising he had a string of clearly intoxicated messages from David. 

‘Didn’t drink too much, promise. Going to bed soon for bright and early Corn-Maze adventures.  
X

Are you sure you don’t want me to come over? X

Ok you’re probably having an early night. I promise to not be hungover. X

Ok really going to sleep now. Stevie gone. But left me water. And chips. Which I ate. But text me if you see this. X

That was an hour ago. He quickly replied. 

Sorry I was baking. Got carried away. Going to bed soon. Hope you’re sleeping now. X

Seconds later. 

Ok as long as you’re ok. Bring me cookies tomorrow. X

David had still been waiting to hear, just in case. And that burned at him a little too much right now. He breathed out. 

I promise cookies. Maybe even ‘cookies’ if you’re good ;) x

When am I anything but? X

Go to sleep David, you’re drunk. X

So bossy. (ok) x

Patirck smiled. The normal, or at least pretend normal felt good for a moment. Maybe in all this he could find pockets of normal to see him through. He looked around. He’d started cleaning so he might as well finish. He didn’t feel remotely tired. So he carried on. Eventually he ran out of things to clean. It was 1am. He really should sleep. But he could feel his brain whirring. Maybe if he watched something mindless on TV. 

He turned off the main lights and flopped onto the couch. His body was aching, and clearly even if his mind wasn’t his body was. He flicked on the tv, and started hopping from channel to channel. Watching minutes of documentaries and reality tv and sitcom reruns. Why he didn’t just pull up a familiar movie on Netflix he didn’t know. Eventually he let a wildlife documentary run in the background. He put his head on the cushion and willed his brian to turn off even to just nap on the sofa. Even with the tv on it felt too quiet. He checked the time for the fifth time in 20 minutes. 1.40 am. He sighed. It was going to be another long night. His thumb hovered over David’s last text. But he forced himself to put his phone away and try and concentrate on the zebras on screen. 

It was 3am when he found himself at the door of David’s Motel room. He’d walked, which was a stupid thing to do given he’d also have to walk back tomorrow to get the car. He could have just called. He could have called David hours ago and he’d have come over. He could have come here hours ago. He could have got drunk with David and Stevie and saved himself hours of ...whatever. He could have been sensible and just stayed home awake and waited until morning without disturbing David. He could have at least fucking tried calling or texting before walking for 30 minutes to get here in the middle of the night. He debated now whether to call or text and wait. But he couldn’t wait. He just knocked. Then paused and knocked again. 

David was there in seconds, he’d barely registered the knock at the door before knowing who, what and why. He was out of bed immediately and he barely took another second to blink and register Patrick stood there at his door. He titled his head and stepped aside so he could step inside. He was looking down at the ground, not at David, and he just shrugged. David closed the gap between them and wrapped him up in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stevie's story felt like another angle of grief it's important to include. As much as I'm writing some of my life through Patrick, I'm also writing a bit of it through everyone else. Because I guess life is messy like that. 
> 
> Speaking of Crazy Aunt Barbara is a tribute to my Mum's sister, who did indeed run away to Vancouver before I was born...the rest of it is fictional, but maybe she really did love coffee cake too. 
> 
> Oh and my including Patrick's existing love of musical theatre has nothing to do with a need to hear Noah Reid sing Sunset Boulevard obviously.


	3. Maybe We Should Do It Every Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a rocky start to the morning, David and Patrick have a perfect day, and find their first holiday tradition.

It was six thirty and Patrick was awake again. He wasn’t sure he’d properly gone to sleep. They hadn’t spoken a word last night- well this morning more accurately. He’d come inside and David had just held him where they stood for a long time. It was ten, maybe twenty minutes before Patrick had felt able to move, and somehow David sensed it. And he just stood there holding on, until Patrick pulled back slightly. Then he’d just led him by the hand to the bed, waited while he undressed, and then wrapped himself back around him on the tiny bed. He’d felt David drift off back to sleep soon after- probably the amount of whiskey he and Stevie had drunk helped that. And he lay there, feeling at least a bit of the tension in him ease with David’s steady breathing next to him. He’d dozed off at around five, but as a bit of light started to creep in he knew he was awake again. And he knew once again he was waiting for 6.47 to come around. When it did he marked the moment with a blink, and found David’s hand, wrapped around his stomach, and put his on top of it, just looking for something to hold on to. 

David stirred at around 8 and the confines of the small bed meant they both had to shift a bit to accommodate his half conscious movement. When they did, ending up face to face, David blinking half awake, Patrick leaned in and kissed him. He’d meant it as a soft good morning, but after a couple of kisses traded back and forth he pulled in David for something a bit deeper, trying to communicate a thank you for last night, and also seeking a bit of extra comfort there. 

David blinked awake with Patrick’s kiss. And quickly got the message he was seeking something more. There was still a sad earnestness to him, but he could feel that same longing again. He leaned into it, pulling him a little closer in the bed, hitching a leg over his hip, letting his hands wander down Patrick’s back, as he felt Patrick’s up his. It was slow and languid, David was happy to take his time, the same as last night hoping he could with touch let Patrick know he was here for him. They kissed for a long time, gently wandering hands over each other. Eventually David reached a hand under Patrick’s shirt. Before he could make a move to start pulling it off Patrick leapt away like he’d been electrocuted. David caught him hand on his back before he fell off the narrow bed, waited while he caught his breath. Patrick leaned back in and kissed him again. More urgent now, and David followed his lead and leaned in, assuming he’d just startled him, or his hand was colder than he thought or something. After a few moments of Patrick’s fervent kissing, David took that as a lead and tried again. The new angle they were at meant he could run a hand across Patrick’s stomach- a tried and tested means of moving things up a gear. The second his hand hit Patrick’s skin the same thing happened. He jerked away and David heard his breath catch, and it fell into place. 

‘Hey’ he said, carefully putting as much distance as he could manage in the tiny bed between them. Patrick was half sitting, leaning on an elbow, not looking at him. Then he suddenly leaned in again, pulling David into a messy, awkward kiss. He could feel him trying to prove it, trying to prove it was ok. David knew this was one of those times he had to take charge. He pushed him back by the shoulders, firmly but gently. ‘Let’s take a break a second.’ he said. Patrick still wouldn’t look at him, so he decided to fully take control- sometimes the only way around take-charge Patrick was actually pushing through that and taking charge yourself. 

Patrick felt himself pulled down by his t shirt so he was lying face to face with David. He wasn’t finished at that point though and he felt himself being pushed- again gently, but forcefully, to roll over. Getting what David was doing, and lacking the will to object, he let himself be rolled over, and then immediately felt David wrap himself around him, one leg over his hip, the other intertwined with his, David’s right arm ended up being under his head while his left wrapped tightly around him. He felt David squeeze tightly.

‘Is this ok?’ he asked in a whisper. 

Patrick nodded. And David squeezed tighter. He let himself exhale. He wasn’t sure what had happened. He’d desperately wanted David’s touch. He’d needed again to feel something, and to feel the comfort that came with being close to him. But the minute David had touched him, something in his brain short circuited. It felt like being electrocuted. And that feeling of recoiling from him made him want to cry. He was crying he realised, silently, tears had escaped his eyes. David felt them too, on his arm as they dripped down. He leaned in and kissed Patrick’s cheek. And held on a little longer.

‘I got you.’ David whispered to him. ‘I got you ok?’ 

Patrick nodded and let himself be held. David waited a while before he spoke again, letting them both settle. He’d instinctively, almost viscerally felt what Patrick had because he’d felt it himself. So he started talking. 

‘Let me take a guess, you felt like someone had electrocuted you, or stabbed you with a poker when I touched you? It’s fine I’m not offended. I know it’s not about me...I’ve felt that too. There’s a weird disconnect between body and brain sometimes, and you think you’re looking for one thing and then somehow your brain short circuits, and rebels and it’s...well it’s painful it’s like physically painful.’ David stopped to bury his head in the back of Patrick’s head for a second. ‘The difference is when it happened to me, I was looking for that, comfort or connection or whatever feeling with ...the wrong people. Let’s put it that way. And when my body was reacting that way they didn’t listen...they didn’t even notice probably. My brain probably never caught up to fully say stop, but I didn’t have a chance to either’ he paused for a second, he was better at sharing about his past now, but it still was never easy, even when like now, it wasn’t really about him. ‘So if it’s alright with you, I’m not about to let that happen for you. I will give you anything you need physically if it helps anything.’ he half chuckled at the absurdity of this early morning promise, ‘I mean I willing to get really filthy if that helps’ he felt what could have been sort of a laugh from Patrick and he leaned in a bit closer again, ‘But I also will protect you, even if that means from yourself sometimes.’ he snuggled in, enjoying the warmth in the chilly morning. Under the blankets, Patrick found his hand and squeezed. 

A few minutes later, David felt the weight of Patrick on him shift, and he knew he’d fallen asleep. It probably wouldn’t last long but, he was happy to lie there and let him catch up on whatever rest he could. He was going to crash, and crash hard soon after two nights with no sleep and the emotional exhaustion. 

An hour later Patrick was still sleeping and David carefully extracted himself to go to the bathroom. Figuring he might as well leave him to sleep while he got ready for the day- they’d have to go back to his apartment for him to change anyway, and he’d no doubt get a lecture about making them even later if he spent an age doing his hair after that. But telling himself the longer he spent now was probably longer Patrick slept, he dragged his admittedly slightly hungover body and mind through his morning routine. 

He was just emerging from the bathroom to seek out appropriate ‘Rural Autumn Fayre’ attire whatever that might be when his Mom burst in. 

‘David! David are you not awake yet!’ she exclaimed in the general direction of his bed. Followed by a startled, ‘Oh! Good morning Patrick I didn’t realise you were...visiting.’

‘Mrs Rose.’ Patrick said, sitting up in the bed, clearly having just been woken up by her outburst. 

‘And quite the lie in as well.’ she continued, ‘Late night?’

‘Mom!’ David interjected. 

‘Oh there you are dear.’ she said, and David rolled his eyes. ‘My phone is doing that thing again.’ she waved it at him and he rolled his eyes again taking it. 

‘How on earth you both fit in that bed with David’s ridiculous limbs I don’t know, he’s like an octopus.’

‘Mom!’ David fussed with her phone, which she’d somehow locked herself out of and deleted her email app, an almost weekly occurrence for which David was apparently tech support. 

‘I didn’t hear you arrive last night Patrick was it a late-night call?’ she raised an eyebrow. Patrick opened his mouth to reply when David interjected. 

‘I was drinking with Stevie, and I sent him a stupid text and 4am making him worry, so he came over like the good boyfriend he is.’ 

‘Such a good boy.’ Moria said with a satisfied smile, ‘And David really, at your age you must learn to hold your drink.’ she paused ‘and make sure you return what’s left of your Father’s whiskey.’

David huffed, thrust the phone back at her, then stormed across room and returned it. ‘We didn’t drink any...we were pretty wasted after finishing Stevie’s.’ 

‘Can confirm’ Patrick said with an assurance so convincing David would have believed he’d seen it. ‘Anyway, we should get going right? Can we bring you back anything from the Fayre Mrs Rose? Apple Butter? Cotton candy?’ 

‘Apple Butter? Why would you put apples in butter? Moria asked shaking her head. 

‘Why indeed.’ David said. ‘Anyway we should get going.’

‘Perhaps put some clothes on first dears.’ Moria said with a wink. 

‘I was trying to.’ David said through clenched teeth. 

‘Ok I’m going. I know where I’m not appreciated.’ she smiled ‘Patrick dear thank you for looking after him I know he’s a liability...drinking whiskey on a Thursday, honestly.’ 

‘Because you never drank on a Thursday morning’ David muttered into his sweaters. 

‘My pleasure Mrs Rose.’ Patrick said loud enough to cover David’s muttering. ‘We’ll bring you back some peanut brittle.’

‘Oh yes, that’s more like it.’ She said, ‘and if they have candied apples John loves those.’ 

‘Will do.’ Patrick said with a smile. 

She disappeared back into their room and David groaned leaning into his wardrobe. 

‘I’m so sorry.’ he said. 

Patrick smiled at him ‘What for your Mom being your Mom?’ he laughed, then laughed harder, ‘I mean she thinks we had what was clearly a very quiet night of debauchery in here.’ 

David smirked, ‘She’ll probably tell Alexis.’ 

‘Who will think we did it in her bed.’ 

‘Why will she think that?’

‘Because that’s what I’ll tell her.’

David wrinkled his nose, ‘That is at once disturbing and hilarious. Also it might make her change her sheets herself which can only be a good thing.’

Laughing at David’s ridiculous family felt good. Patrick pulled himself off the bed and crossed the room to where David was still selecting a sweater. He turned when Patrick got close, tilting his head in a question. 

‘I didn’t say thank you, for last night, and this morning.’ Patrick said leaning in to kiss his cheek. 

David smiled with one half of his mouth shaking his head, ‘You don’t have to thank me.’ 

‘I want to.’ he said, wrapping his arms around David sideways. David kissed the top of his head. ‘The grey one.’ Patrick said nodding at the wardrobe. David nodded and pulled it out. ‘And sensible shoes, and sensible pants we’re going to a field remember!’ 

David rolled his eyes, but sensing a spark in Patrick complied. ‘Can I at least wear my fabulous scarf?’

‘I expect nothing less.’ Patrick said disappearing into the bathroom.

The sun was setting as they drove back. David happened to glance over at Patrick, who had his sleeves rolled up and his sunglasses on against the late afternoon sun. There was something incredibly attractive in that image. He stopped nibbling on the peanut brittle in his lap and just stared for a while. 

‘David.’ Patrick said not taking his eyes off the road. ‘What have I told you about staring while I’m driving?’ 

David smirked. Busted. 

‘What have I told you about what this whole sleeves rolled up driving a car looking just about edible does to me.’ he replied. 

‘Well maybe settle for eating that Peanut Brittle while I’m driving.’ he said but couldn't help a self-satisfied smirk. He’d be lying if he said whenever David expressed outright appreciation for how he looked it didn’t equally do things to him. ‘Actually share that stuff I’m starving.’ he held out a hand and then laughed- and tried not to choke, as David reached over and shoved some in his mouth.

He reached out his left hand for David’s as they both chewed. 

‘Ew, sticky David.’ Patrick said through a mouthful of crunchy peanut brittle ‘It’s like having a kid!’ 

He glanced sideways and saw David looking around for somewhere to wipe it. 

‘Don’t you DARE wipe that on my car!’ Patrick exclaimed, trying really hard not to laugh. 

‘I wasn’t, I wasn’t’ he saw David duck down and rummage in his bag and squirt some handsanitster into his palm. ‘FUCK!’ he exclaimed 

‘Yeah watch out for that cut from earlier.’ Patrick said dryly, also remembering the fuss David had made when he’d caught his hand on a stick in the hay ride. 

Patrick smiled at the memory. They’d been the only ones in line, and David had stood, his arms wrapped around Patrick’s waist watching the rickety old cart approach. He’d made several comments about it not being safe, about bolting horses and death under cart wheels which Patrick chose to ignore. They were on a mission for ‘authentic’ small town experience and this was it. The driver of the cart had pulled up and looked at them with a wry grin.

‘He’s got a face like my husband when I try and make him do stuff around the farm’ the guy said with a nod to David. Patrick bit his lip and smirked. 

‘Does he complain as much as this one too?’ Patrick asked stepping up onto the cart and offering a hand to a glowering David. 

‘Oh I imagine so.’ The man said ‘But he’s a bit like the pigs in that I feed him he shuts up.’

‘Like looking in a mirror.’ Patrick said as David flopped down next to him. 

A few more people were approaching now, but the guy shut the steps up. ‘Tell you what.’ he said ‘Private ride, just for you two.’ he winked.

Patrick thanked him as he made his way over to the horse. But David was too invested in the small scratch on his palm and muttering about pigs. Still when Patrick pulled him round into a kiss he shut up long enough to appreciate it. 

‘So you two are either new romance or newly married.’ the driver shouted back. 

‘Neither!’ David shouted back, earning him an elbow into the ribs from Patrick. 

‘Well if it’s not new love maybe you should be considering the other thing then!’ the driver said flicking the reins so the horse started and the cart moved. David lost his balance and went slamming into Patrick who laughed and righted him, looping his arm through David’s. 

‘He’s a bit like a flighty colt this one.’ Patrick shouted at the man ‘Spooks easily, you’ve got to approach him carefully. And not from behind’ he winked at David, really enjoying the opportunity to wind him up a bit. 

‘Ah well, you clearly didn’t give up the first time he bucked you off, so I’d say there’s hope yet.’ the man said with a laugh. 

David pouted poking at the tiny cut and looking away from Patrick at the fields around them. 

‘No I did not.’ Patrick said seriously. 

‘Even if you were a novice rider.’ David said glancing back and raising an eyebrow, two could play at this game. 

‘Yeah but I’d say I was a natural at it.’ Patrick raised him. 

David’s eyebrows were sky high even before Patrick ran a hand down his thigh.

‘You know what always tames a wild colt?’ the man said, ‘When they know they’re loved and looked after.’ he paused ‘And well fed of course.’ 

Patrick smiled at David ‘I’d say he’s all three.’ 

David narrowed his eyes. Considered a witty comeback but instead leaned in and kissed Patrick. When they reached the end of the ride the man subtly turned and did another half lap, giving them time to come up for air before dismounting the cart in front of a gaggle of small children. 

He nodded at David as he helped Patrick down. ‘You know why else you remind me of my husband?’ he asked, David shook his head looking blank, ‘He’s always ready to help me out when I need it too.’ 

David looked down embarrassed, and let Patrick lead him away. 

Back in the car Patrick smiled over at David. 

‘What?’ he asked with a lopsided grin. 

‘Today was perfect.’ Patrick said with a nod before turning his attention back to the road.

David smiled and watched him for a second before looking forward as well. ‘Then maybe we should do it every year.’ 

He felt Patrick reach over for his- admittedly still sticky- hand and smiled again. It had been the kind of day you’d think you invented if you hadn’t been there. Some idealised Hallmark Movie date at a Pumpkin Patch Corn Maze in the middle of nowhere. It was not, David reasoned the kind of date he’d ever envisioned going on except in a deeply ironic way. But Patrick had been going on about this for weeks, maybe longer, since he read about it in some local business blog. He’d assumed it was a kind of networking business thing for the Store but he realised that Patrick just very sincerely wanted to go to this weird rural Autumn thing. 

And David hated to admit it but it had been fun. Not least because much like a kid on a day out he’d been allowed to sample as much weird food as he liked with minimal eye-rolling. And they now had a tote bag filled with various sweets and jams and pickles and candy. It was nauseatingly wholesome. As was his favourite memory of the day. 

He’d rolled his eyes at the corn maze. He’d pouted and said they should just sit and drink a pumpkin beer and get some nachos. Patrick had rightly pointed out those things very much did not go together which only made him more determined. Bribed with the promise of both of those things when they were done they got to the edge of the Maze when Patrick declared it a competition. They were going to race to the end. 

Running was not high on his list of things to do most days. Never mind slightly hungover and weighed down with a hefty slice of pecan pie. But before he could properly object he saw the glint in Patrick’s eye that meant his sporting brain had kicked in, and nothing was going to deter him. He raised an eyebrow before declaring ‘You go left, I go right.’ 

And while David was shouting after him ‘What do I get if I win?’ Patrick was sprinting off to his right. David sighed, before moving off at a slow jog to his left. 

The maze was bigger than it looked and he spent 10 minutes probably going in circles. He decided to step it up a gear and gave it a more determined jog. He couldn’t stand the thought of emerging too long after Patrick. He might be the more competitive sportsman but David was one stubborn bastard when he needed to be. He paused. You know art and patterns he told himself, figure it out. While he was stood there trying to visualise it he heard a noise from his left and Patrick appeared. He looked shocked, then turned with a smirk and ran the other way. 

‘By the way i’m carrying all this stuff too!’ David shouted, before muttering ‘But I’ve got longer legs.’ 

In his mind he saw what the maze should look like- it wasn’t a foolproof plan, but knowing how these things worked in principle gave him something of an edge. He pictured where they came in, and steadily working from there tried to visualise a route through. At a brisk walk he wove through the maze and emerged the other side a few minutes later. 

To no sign of Patrick. He grinned, smugly, even though nobody was around to see it, he’d done it. He spotted a hay bale a few feet away and perched himself on it in line with the maze exit, crossed his legs, set a timer on his phone, and waited. 

He timed it. 8 minutes later Patrick emerged. Slightly out of breath and looking a bit dishevelled. 

‘Well it’s about time. I was about to go and get a snack.’ David said arching an eyebrow. Patrick looked shocked, then pouted, then couldn’t help it he grinned. Walking over still out of breath, David looked him up and down. ‘I’d still like to know what I get for winning.’ he said and was quickly silenced, then knocked backwards off the haybale by the force of Patrick kissing him. 

Laughing on the floor David pushed himself upright and gave Patrick another kiss. ‘I’m all for a roll in the hay, but I think given this is a family establishment we’d better not get ourselves kicked out.’ he kissed Patrick once more for good measure, and helped him to his feet. 

‘On a scale of 1-10 how mad are you that I beat you by’ he paused for dramatic effect and showed the timer on his phone ‘Eight minutes five seconds’ 

Patrick narrowed his eyes, then laughed. He leaned on his thighs still a bit breathless. 

‘How about, I show you how I did it?’ David said jerking his head towards the maze, then walking back in leaving Patrick to trot after him to catch up. David held out the tote bag, ‘Loser is bag carrier’ he declared. 

Patrick took the bag, and David started explaining the logic behind maze design, and patterns, and then veered off into some comparisons with artists, he got a bit carried away. He rarely tapped into his art knowledge out loud to anyone, assuming nobody cared, but now and then he hit on something and it turned into a ramble. He was mid description of an immersive show in Brooklyn five years ago that used a maze and comparing it to an 19th century painting when he realised Patrick had stopped behind him. He turned around. 

‘What? Sorry I know nobody cares, let's get out of here and get you a beer.’ 

Patrick shook his head at him, but it wasn’t a ‘no’ it was something else. 

‘What?’ David blinked at him. 

‘You have no idea do you?’ Patrick smiled, wide and genuine for what felt like the first time in days. 

‘What?!’ David flailed an arm at him. 

‘How brilliant you are.’ Patrick said, stepping towards him. ‘I love when you talk about things you love. I love when you talk about art’ he reached his arms around David’s waist and he flailed his arms again, before settling them on Patrick’s shoulders. 

‘I’m just rambling.’ he said ‘It’s supid.’ 

‘It’s not.’ Patrick said, leaning up to kiss him. ‘And neither are you.’

David smiled down at him, he was looking up at him wide eyed, while bundled up in David’s scarf which he’d stolen earlier, having come in far too thin, albeit a fetching baby blue jumper. David adjusted it around his neck and smiled, Patrick smiled back and David noticed the slight auburn tinge in his hair where the low Autumn sun was catching it. He bit his lip and smiled again. This really was almost Hallmark movie perfect day. If he wasn’t so happy he’d hate himself for it. He jerked his head in the direction of the exit that was two turns away now. ‘Come on. I’m hungry’ he said. 

‘When are you not?’ Patrick lamented, but grabbed David’s hand as he walked away and they completed the maze in silence, holding on. 

Back in the car David played with Patrick’s fingers a little. A sure sign he was thinking. Patrick glanced over at him, but he didn’t notice. So he waited, eyes on the road, half thinking about what they were going to eat when they got in, half enjoying thinking about nothing. David squeezed his hand. 

‘Was it the right thing to do today?’ David asked. ‘This?’

Patrick glanced over and squeezed his hand back. ‘It was the perfect thing.’ he looked back at the road, ‘I barely thought about it all day. I needed that.’ 

David nodded satisfied. ‘Then let's do it every year.’ he said.

They drove in silence most of the way home. When they pulled up Stevie was sitting on Patrick’s doorstep with two huge pizza boxes on her lap, and a box of beer next to her. She waved as they drove past. She thrust the pizza boxes at David when they approached and threw her arms around Patrick in a tight hug. They pulled back and nodded at each other. 

‘That’s done.’ she said, ‘Let’s eat.’ 

David rubbed a hand over Patrick’s shoulder as he led them in. Somehow today continued to be exactly what he needed. 

It took exactly four slices of pizza and half a beer before Patrick finally crashed. Stevie was mid-story about a motel guest’s attempt to extort a refund from Johnny, when she stopped and nodded in the direction of Patrick. He was sat with his feet resting in David’s lap, curled up at the other end of the couch, where he was now fast asleep. David smiled both fondly and sadly then looked at Stevie and shrugged. ‘He can’t have slept more than four hours in two days.’ he said resting a hand on his leg, somehow protectively. 

‘I’ll let myself out.’ she said. ‘Get him to bed.’ 

David nodded, she quietly slipped out- taking half a pizza with her, and he detangled Patrick’s legs from his. Leaving him there for a minute he tidied up the little bit of mess they’d made. Then he retrieved Patrick’s pajamas and flicked the kettle on. He fished out some ‘bedtime’ tea Patrick had and two mugs. He got changed himself while the kettle boiled, and did a quick skincare routine to save a bit of time. He made the tea and took both mugs over to the bed. Only then did he go over to the couch, pajamas in hand, and kneel down in front of Patrick. He was lying propped up on the armrest, clearly asleep where he fell which wouldn’t have been good long term. He looked so peaceful it seemed a shame to wake him, but David couldn’t leave him there. He rubbed his hand up and down Patrick’s arm. 

‘Hey.’ he said, ‘Come on, proper bed.’

Patrick blinked his eyes open to see David kneeling in front of him, holding out pijamas. He didn’t feel quite awake but he nodded. ‘Stevie?’ he asked. 

‘Gone home. With the pizza’ David rolled his eyes skyward, ‘C’mon.’ he nudged Patrick upright and steered him towards the bathroom. 

Half a beer and pizza seemed to have worked some magic as Patrick struggled to keep his eyes open through going to the bathroom and brushing his teeth. He didn’t even bother attempting to wash his face before pulling on his night clothes and shuffling back to the bedroom. David had already turned off all but the lamp in the bedroom and was pulling back the covers. Patrick collapsed heavily into the bed and rolled onto his back. David pulled the covers over him. 

‘Are you tucking me in?’ he asked sleepily. 

‘Yes.’ David said leaning down and kissing him before moving to the other side of the bed. 

‘David it’s like 8.30 you can’t go to bed yet.’ Patrick mumbled as David got in. 

‘Watch me.’ he said. Then produced a book from the nightstand ‘Besides I can entertain myself.’

Somewhere in Patrick’s groggy brain he registered that David knew he didn’t want to sleep alone. He tried to say something about that as he rolled over towards David, but nothing came out. The last thing he remembered before passing out again was the warmth of David against him and hearing the beat of his heart. 

David smiled down as Patrick half mumbled something and immediately fell asleep on his chest. It wasn’t the most conducive angle to reading, but once he was sure he was asleep he could shift a bit. For now, he enjoyed the sensation of Patrick warm and heavy against him breathing steadily with sleep.Today had worked in the short term to give him some relief at least. And out of the strangest of circumstances maybe they’d found their first holiday tradition. 

Five Years Later

David stood at the edge of the corn maze and waited, watching the timer on his phone click up. 

‘Seven minutes and three seconds!’ he declared as Patrick emerged, realised he was beaten, pouted, then smiled. David took a few steps towards him. ‘Getting closer’ he said with a smirk. 

‘Shut up.’ Patrick said, leaning up to kiss him. ‘One year I will beat you.’ 

‘Keep telling yourself that.’ David said with a smirk, holding out a hand to lead Patrick back into the maze. ‘Shall I explain it to you again?’ 

Patrick didn’t have to answer before he did, launching into yet another detailed explanation, taking some peanut brittle from his bag he offered some to David to eat as they walked slowly back through the maze. 

‘Hey David.’ he added ‘it’s Hay Ride time’ 

David groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as David's hangover didn't feature that heavily, I dedicate this chapter to my flatmate who drove from Montreal to Toronto and back again on a hangover one Thanksgiving (and complained for every mile of it)


	4. Normal Thanksgiving Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving finally rolls around. Patrick is glad of the distraction, but it's hard not to remember the Thanksgivings past. But his new family are there for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little late for Thanksgiving, but I find myself dipping in and out of this alternative Chapter of Patrick's life, some days it comes easier than others.

Monday

‘You know’ said David, chopping carrots, ‘I’ve got to appreciate living in a country that puts a holiday on a Monday, it’s like saying ‘yeah we know you don’t want to go to work, have some carbs’

Patrick chuckled, he was up to his elbows in Turkey grease but enjoying David’s musings on the holiday, which had so far included ‘why October is better than November’ and a ranking of pies. David had a lot of strong feelings about this holiday it seemed. 

‘Did you know.’ he continued and Patrick got the impression he was about to find out, ‘That after World War One the Government moved it to around November 11th to honour the War dead?’ he stopped. ‘Oh. Sorry.’ 

Patrick stopped, went to put his hands on his hips, realised they were covered in Turkey gunk, settled for an exasperated wave instead. ‘David my Dad didn’t die in the War, it’s ok.’

David screwed up his nose. ‘I know but you know I said…’

‘You said ‘dead’ David, we can’t go our whole lives never saying the word ‘dead’ again because my Dad died!’ he gestured and a bit of butter flew off his fingers and landed on the counter between them. 

David watched it fall. 

‘Our whole lives?’ he raised an eyebrow. 

‘Yes David!’ Patrick said exasperated, ‘It might shock you to know that I have plans beyond the next five minutes with you ok?! And I know we don’t talk about that stuff much and it’s fine, but I do ok? I have plans, very much for a long time if that’s ok with you? Because you’re ridiculous but I love you!’ He grabbed a handful of stuffing and stuffed it a bit too forcefully into the turkey. 

David sliced a carrot a bit too forcefully too. ‘Ok fine.’ he said. And glanced sideways at Patrick who was now stuffing the turkey like he was trying to kill it. And it was very much dead already. ‘I love you too. Just save whatever that was for the Turkey not me ok?’ he paused ‘Or at least use some lube for that.’

Patrick broke into a grin. Then giggles actual giggles. He leaned on the counter looking at his hands covered in stuffing, and the state of the turkey in front of him. ‘I don’t know it might have enjoyed it.’ he said gesturing at the mess he’d made. ‘I’m very skilled with my hands after all.’ 

‘Well we know that.’ David said, raising an eyebrow, ‘I don’t think that turkey does though.’ 

He went back to chopping as Patrick’s giggle subsided, out of the corner of his eye he saw him drop his head between his elbows for a second. David carried on chopping. He was trying not to hover, not to fuss. Let Patrick have these moments. They were brief, mostly, and if you didn’t know him wouldn’t recognise it as him going inwards for a moment, or getting lost somewhere. David was trying to pretend he didn’t notice either. Letting Patrick do what he needed to to get by. 

Patrick exhaled, picking stuffing off his fingers. Weird emotions kept coming in waves which apparently included snapping at his boyfriend and violating a turkey. It was exhausting. He glanced sideways at David who was pretending not to watch him. Who kept pretending not to notice these moments when everything engulfed him in a wave. Who also made sex jokes about a turkey to keep up the pretence everything was normal. Patrick broke into a grin, and laughed. It was ridiculous. He was ridiculous, his boyfriend was ridiculous. And it was ok. He glanced over and David was poised knife in hand waiting to see which way this would go. Patrick smiled at him. 

‘We’re both ridiculous.’ he said with a small smile. ‘Hand me that towel.’

David threw it at his head, hitting him squarely. 

‘David you can pitch!’ Patrick said with a smug grin wiping his hands and resuming fussing with the turkey, as David went back to the vegetables. 

‘Don’t get any ideas about Thanksgiving Sporting events.’ he warned him with a wave of the knife. 

Patrick smiled, thinking of the soccer games at home they’d usually have. He must have looked far away for longer than he thought because he felt David’s arms wind around him, his head buried in his neck. 

‘What?’ Patrick asked. 

‘Nothing.’ David answered just holding on. For a second Patrick let himself lean back into David’s warmth enjoying the pause it gave his brain, grounding him back in now rather than some thanksgiving past. 

He seemed fine today. Mostly. But they’d settled into a weird acceptance that things were, up and down at best. 

He’d slept half of Sunday. Having passed out at 8.30, David had expected a good 12 hours of sleep, based on his own experience of days without sleeping. But at noon Patrick hadn’t even stirred. In the almost two years they’d been together David had never known him sleep later than nine. But he let him, assuming his body needed it. But fearing he wouldn’t sleep at all that night he’d woken him just after noon with tea and toast in bed. He’d still looked exhausted but had eventually pulled himself out of bed. 

They’d spent a quiet remainder of the day. Walking first to the Store to tidy up the remains of the mess from Friday that Patrick had guiltily confessed to leaving out. Secretly David had been glad of an excuse to get him out. They spent a few hours not only restocking and tidying but doing a deep clean. Which pleased David’s need for order, and Patrick’s need to be busy. And because of the latter when Patrick had suggested a walk at around four, David didn’t object. 

Patrick had driven them out to the woods, not to his big hiking trails he promised, a pursuit David had little understanding of. But they walked a little way in the forest together in relative silence. They’d been quiet with each other all day. Patrick was clearly tired, David happy to let him live in his head a bit too. 

They found a felled tree looking out over a clearing and sat down. David could tell Patrick was thinking about something.

‘I keep forgetting,’ he said eventually. ‘What’s happened...that he’s...you know.’

David nodded and put an arm around him. 

‘And then I remember’ Patrick shrugged under his arm, ‘And I mostly don’t know how to feel. And it’s…’ he shrugged again. And David knew. It was about control, Patrick couldn’t organise this into something he could deal with no matter how hard he tried. He just had to ride it out. 

‘I think you’re supposed to just let it happen how it happens.’ David said with his own shrug. ‘I’m not sure there’s a logical answer. Not an easy one for sure.’

Patrick was quiet again. Staring at the trees in the distance while he contemplated what he was thinking, what he’d been thinking for days. It was two things really and he’d hidden them best he could but it was time to confess. 

‘I worry I’m not doing it right.’ he said finally, ‘I know we made a call about Thanksgiving and that’s ok and I know why. But I don’t think I’m doing it right and people are going to judge when they find out.’ something wavered in his voice ‘Like they’ll say I didn’t care, didn’t love him or whatever because we went to a fucking corn maze and I cooked a turkey.’ he sighed and looked straight ahead fixing on the trees. 

David kissed the top of his head. ‘It’s nobody’s business.’ he said ‘Everyone does this in their own way. I know why you’re doing it this way. Your Mom knows. And it's right for you.’ 

Patrick nodded, thinking again. 

‘What else?’ David asked, knowing there was something. 

Patrick smiled at the fact David knew. ‘I feel like I’m not…’ he paused again ‘I feel like I’m not feeling it right.’ he said. ‘I’m not crying enough, and even when I do cry, it’s not...connecting? Does that make sense? It doesn’t.’

Weirdly it did. David knew what he was saying. He’d somehow sensed it too, Patrick was sad, he was upset, he was full of a mix of emotions, up and down for sure, but David could also tell the full force of it hadn’t hit him yet. Whether it was shock, still processing, or just unconscious walls he’d built up after years of dealing with his Father’s illness...or a mix of all of them. David was waiting for it to fully hit him. And so was Patrick it seemed. 

‘I think’ David said carefully ‘These things come in their own time.’ He pulled Patrick in a bit closer ‘And you’re doing what you need to do to get through.’

That seemed to make sense, Patrick stared into the distance again. He felt like there was this thing, just out of sight getting ready to come for him, and when it did he wasn’t going to be able to fight it. Maybe it was for the best it was just out of sight for now. 

They’d walked back to the car as the light was failing. Patrick had stopped at the car and leaned on the door. 

‘It feels like there’s a shell around my heart.’ he said shaking his head ‘Which is stupid. Who fucking talks like that outside of novels.’ he looked up at the trees, and the gathering darkness. ‘But what I mean it feels like it can’t quite, hasn’t quite got in yet. And I can feel some things, but not all of them and I’m just waiting for it to...break through?’ he shook his head again. 

David nodded over the car. ‘Waiting for the walls to come down?’ he said. 

Patrick nodded. ‘Something like that’ he said getting into the car. David took his hand as they got back onto the road and held on while he drove, staring ahead not talking. 

He’d crashed again early. Again falling asleep on the couch, or more accurately on David who he had curled into after dinner and quickly fallen asleep on. Content that he’d eaten, and that a busy day tomorrow - and a day of his family- meant he should probably let him sleep. So he let Patrick doze on him between seven and ten, before finally forcing him to come to bed where he’d curled around David like a cat and fallen into a deep sleep straight away. 

Patrick felt himself crashing again the minute they’d eaten the day before. He’d dozed in front of several wildlife documentaries with David before being dragged to bed. He just about remembered muttering a goodnight to David before passing out. Fully expecting to be awake at four am again after so much sleep. Instead the alarm on his phone still set for weekdays went off at 7 this morning. But he couldn’t quite bring himself to move until 8, fatigue seemed to have soaked into his bones. So he buried himself into David again, until thoughts of Turkey and vegetables overrode everything else and got him up. David, for his part hadn’t judged, hadn’t protested. He’d let him sleep, let him be clingy and bury himself into him, with not a word about how different this was to his normal demeanour. 

Now, several hours later and after being elbow deep in a turkey, Patrick finished messing with the Turkey and washed his hands, which enabled him to wrap his arms around David at last, leaning into his back. 

‘You know I didn’t sign up for you to go full Gordon Ramsey on me over a turkey’ David said, sweeping the last of the vegetables into a pan. Patrick laughed into his back and he spun around. 

‘Coffee break?’ Patrick suggested and David nodded. It was only 10am, they’d got an early start- earlier than David would have liked certainly, but nobody was coming over until around 1, so they had time. David shooed him from the kitchen for a moment while he made coffee, insisting Patrick have a break. And so he curled up on the end of the sofa watching David busy himself with brewing a cafetiere of coffee. They were quiet for a moment until he brought it over, presenting a packet of cookies with a flourish. 

‘I sensed cutting the cake early would be incorrect’ David said with a smile. 

‘You are correct.’ Patrick said taking a chocolate chip cookie, realising he was already starving, and making it until 3 and lunch was going to be a struggle. ‘But these are good.’ 

‘They’re the cheap ones.’ David declared, ‘There’s only two types of chocolate chip cookie worth having, the most expensive and the cheapest.’

‘Can’t argue with that.’ Patrick said with a smile taking another. He caught David looking at him with concern. ‘I’m fine.’ he insisted. ‘Well not…’ he shrugged. 

David nodded, appeased, and ran a hand over Patrick’s back lightly. He knew he had to follow his partner’s lead on this, but it didn’t mean he wouldn’t worry while he did it. Patrick snapped a cookie in half and handed half to David.

‘I’m glad I don’t have to do this on my own.’ he said as David took it and nodded. He held an arm up and Patrick sat back letting himself get swept up into David’s sweater. ‘And I’m glad we’re doing this today.’ he added. David planted a kiss on his head. 

‘Even if you did violate the turkey.’

‘He enjoyed it.’ 

Hours later everything was prepared, served and they’d raised a toast to the chef, with David offering a kiss as part of the toast as well. They’d been eating for a while, with compliments to the meal, and a healthy chatter around the table. Patrick had been talking to Stevie to his right, with the help of David who was on his left, about the butcher he’d used for the Turkey- a lead from one of their suppliers. 

‘Ew, Turkeys’ Alexis had said, ‘I know we’re eating it but can’t we have a like nice story?’ she stabbed a carrot with her fork ‘Oh my god Ted tell the story of that woman and her puppy, you know the wig one it’s adorable’ 

Ted shrugged ‘Oh I don’t know’

‘Yes yes! It’s super cute.’ Alexis insisted drinking her wine. ‘So this lady, had this puppy but then she had to go into hospital when it was super young, and it got taken into like puppy foster care but then it like magically finds her again at this adoption event.’ she looked at Ted, ‘Is that it?’ 

Ted nodded, ‘Well yeah it looked like she wouldn’t be able to take on this puppy she was gonna adopt because she got real sick. So the puppy went to this adoption event. But by now she was feeling better so she went along just to like see the puppies I guess.’ He took a swig of his wine too ‘Yeah so she was there, she’d lost all her hair from the chemo and everything, and she looked like a different person and the dog just ran up to her and it was like he chose her, like he said ‘I know you’re dying but I’ll love you.’

David reached over and wrapped an arm around Patrick planting a kiss on his head. He suddenly became very interested in what was on his plate. Pushing his mashed potatoes around. David kept his arm there. ‘Oh that’s a depressing story for Thanksgiving Ted.’ David interjected ‘Haven’t you got any happy puppy stories for us.’

‘No really it’s not it’s a happy story I promise.’ Ted ploughed on ‘So she’s in the hospital, and they think she’s dying-’

‘Does anyone need any more potatoes?’ David interjected, reaching for the bowl, passing them in Patrick’s direction just to get him to look at him. He looked up and nodded. He was ok, he could just live without wherever Ted was going with this. 

‘David!’ Alexis interjected ‘Let Ted finish his puppy story! It’s like super cute, she recovers fully and marries again it’s adorable.’

‘Great. Great. We’ve heard it then. Super cute.’ David returned his attention to his own food stabbing his potato a little too hard. 

‘It’s fine David.’ Patrick said softly, spooning out some mashed potato for something to do with himself, even though he hadn’t finished the first serving. 

‘Look I’m just trying to get Ted to stop telling his stupid story.’ David muttered back. 

‘Sorry Ted.’ Patrick said ‘It was a lovely story.’ 

‘God Dav-id what is wrong with you?’ Alexis complained. 

‘You know that is a lovely story.’ Johnny chimed in, ‘It reminds me of, what’s her name Moria, her husband used to play golf with me, they said she had days to live, and she went on that retreat and boom! Miraculous recovery, she’ what 80 now?’

‘Oh my God.’ David muttered to his plate. 

‘Oh Candace? With the hair?’ Moria gestured to indicate a perm or beehive or something. 

‘No, no -but oh isn’t she the one whose husband was given weeks to live but then at the last minute that surgeon from London flew in and saved him?’

‘Oh you’re right John. It was Cindy who got the miracle cure.’

‘Mom, Dad.’ David said tightly. 

‘What Son? It’s Thanksgiving maybe we should be thinking about stuff like this, stuff we’re thankful for. All these miracles, people surviving against the odds.’ he waved a fork at David ‘You’ll understand when you’re our age David, you’re thankful for every year of health you get.’ 

‘Oh my God.’ David muttered, as he felt Patrick reach under the table for his hand. ‘Yes, yes Dad I’m sure. Maybe we should talk about the puppies Ted?’ But it was too late his Dad was on a roll. 

‘You know, it happens all too often, Doctors say there’s nothing they can do, and suddenly a full recovery. I mean we know so many people it happened to right Moria? There was that guy, Lloyd, who worked for me, said he has this tumour inoperable he said, and yet, when they tried some newfangled drug it worked, he’s had three Grandkids since.’

David squeezed Patrick’s hand. Swapped hands so he could reach an arm around him. He could feel the tension in his shoulders. 

‘Dad, maybe we should talk about-’

‘I see it in Dogs all the time’ Ted chimed in ‘You get in there, they’re a total mess inside, like tumour on tumour ...but somehow, what you do works and they’re running around like a puppy the next week!’

‘That’s what they said about what's-his-name’ Moria interjected, ‘They cut him open and couldn't see his lungs for tumours, but bang! Two months later he was back on the Golf Course with John!’ 

David caught Stevie’s eye across the table and she gestured helplessly, then nodded at Patrick as if telling him to focus there instead. 

‘More, um carrots Mr Rose?’ Stevie tried in vain ‘Wine anyone?’ 

‘Oh no Moira you’re thinking of Glen. Poor guy.’ Johnny looked at David, ‘Now that’s a tragic story. His son was your age, you knew him, died what just after he turned 30? You always figure you’ll have your parents longer than that, in this day and age at least.’

‘No guarantees John.’ Moria said ‘Just no guarantees in life.’ She took his hand and looked at him in the way that usually David felt nauseating and endearing in equal measure at how in love his parents still were. Today he felt like his heart dropped into his stomach. Patrick dropped his hand and jumped up so fast he knocked over his wine. 

‘Fuck!’ he exclaimed, and looked at it helplessly for a second then, at David who with the slightest blink told him to go. ‘Excuse me.’ Patrick said. He realised he was basically trapped. The rest of the table- and the Roses, and Ted and Stevie were between him and the bathroom. Going to the bedroom was no escape. He looked again at David who shrugged knitting his eyebrows together a sort of ‘go I’ll deal with it’ 

‘Sorry I um...I just have to…’ Patrick turned and ran out through the door, as he nearly took his plate with him, which instead ended up on the table and floor with his wine. He froze for a second then scrambled out the door. Leaning heavily on it as it shut behind him and catching his breath. He’d been fine. Better than fine, he’d been enjoying himself, relaxed in the company of friends, and whatever you could call the Roses by now- family sort of? He hadn’t forgotten but he’d been ok. He cursed himself for being so sensitive. And leaned his head against the door. 

There was a moment of silence as the door slammed. 

David closed his eyes in defeat. ‘Fuck.’ he rested his face in his hands, aware the wine and now half of Patrick’s dinner were pooling dangerously close to his feet too. 

‘God David, do you two really like hate puppies or something?’

David let the silence hang for a second. He couldn’t bring himself to say it, to relive it again either. He sighed into his hands. It wasn’t their fault he reminded himself. With little success, all he could see was his boyfriend’s scared confused expression as he tried to extract himself from the nightmare dinner scenario. 

‘His Dad died.’ David muttered, not lifting his head from his hands. 

‘What Son?’ Johnny asked, ‘We can’t understand you with-’

‘I said his fucking Dad died!’ David shouted standing up. ‘Two days ago. Patrick’s Dad died. He had cancer and he fucking died, and you’ve just all sat here like the fucking Grim Reaper of Thanksgiving and talked about miracle cures tumours and dead dogs over dinner.’ 

There was silence for a second. 

‘In fairness David, the dogs all lived’ Alexis said but then added ‘But I’m sorry.’ 

‘Go David.’ Stevie said ‘We’ll…’ she gestured 

David nodded. Giving her a silent thank you. He pushed back from the table, he’d nearly got to the door when Stevie called him back ‘David’ she said and wrapped her arms around his waist. 

‘I know’ he said into her hair. 

‘Get him back and we’ll have pie ok?’ she said wiping at her eyes. 

David nodded. ‘Ok’ he said going to the door. 

Patrick hadn’t gone far. Turns out that if you run out without your car keys there aren’t a lot of options other than literally wandering the streets. So he’d settled for the steps of the apartment building. David had come clattering out behind him and skidded to a stop. 

‘Hi.’ 

‘Hey’ Patrick said looking up. 

‘Can I…’ David gestured, ‘Or do you want to be alone or…’ he shrugged. 

‘I just needed to not be….there.’ Patrick said patting the concrete step next to him. 

‘As a survivor of a good, hmm 30 Rose family Thanksgivings, as well as many other Federal and Religious holidays, that’s a sentiment I agree with.’ 

‘30? I’m surprised it’s that many. Thought you’d have escaped more than that.’

‘Well it is a food-based holiday, and we did have a chef for many years.’ David said, giving Patrick a friendly nudge with his shoulder, and was pleased to see him smile. 

‘Ah, of course. I should have known.’ 

David snaked an arm around his waist and rested his head on Patrick’s shoulder. ‘I’m sorry, for them’

‘Who talks about this stuff at Thanksgiving?’ 

‘Your family.’ Patrick laughed again. ‘‘It’s ok really. It’s not their fault.’ he paused and reached a hand to David’s knee ‘And you know one day, we’ll tell this story at Thanksgiving and laugh.’

David made a non-commital noise. ‘I told them’ he said. ‘Well, more, shouted it at them actually.’ 

‘I expected nothing less.’ Patrick said. ‘Actually I heard, I um, stood outside the door for a second...didn’t really know where to go…’ 

David nodded. ‘Shall we, go for a walk? There’ll be nobody around it might...help.’

Patrick wasn’t ready to go back inside. He couldn’t face talking to anyone yet. Anyone but David anyway. ‘That sounds like a good idea.’ he said, pushing himself to his feet and offering a hand to David, who made a fuss about dusting his pants off before nodding and starting to walk. 

Patrick found David’s hand and interlaced their fingers. They rarely held hands while walking. Mainly Patrick always figured David's inability to talk without using his hands, but also it had just always been a particularly intimate thing for them. They kissed openly, were constantly touching in some respect. But for some reason holding hands never fell into that outside. But he needed that intimacy right now. And something to hold onto. 

They walked down the block a little way, sort of in the direction of town, it was totally quiet, clearly everyone was inside having their Turkey. It was nice to be away from people, in the nicest way David didn’t count, and he was actually, at least around Patrick, always capable of comfortable silence. 

‘I should have just told them,’ Patrick said. ‘But I don’t know how you say it. I mean you said it. Screeched it.’ he squeezed his hand to tell him he was joking. 

‘I have my uses.’ David said. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t better at...I don’t know protecting you back there I’m just making this up as I go along though.’

Patrick nodded. ‘Me too.’ 

They carried on walking until they reached the small park at the edge of town. There was a family at the far end with two little kids on bikes, but otherwise it was deserted. Patrick led them to a bench and they sat. He wrapped his arm around David’s waist, and David wrapped his arm over Patrick’s shoulders. They sat watching the family until they disappeared out the other end of the park. 

‘What would you be doing now, if you were at home...normally.’ David asked. 

‘Normal stuff.’ he shrugged. 

‘It will not surprise you my dear that that lot’ he jerked his head in the general direction of Patrick’s place, ‘Have never done ‘normal stuff’ for any holiday, so indulge me….’

‘Oh I don’t know I might need to hear about some of those Thanksgivings’ 

‘Get my Mom drunk enough you will don’t worry.’

Patrick laughed ‘Does she really need to be drunk though?’

David laughed too, ‘I think we both know the answer to that.’ 

Patrick was quiet for a moment. ‘I dunno, we just do normal family stuff. Except I realise, that’s not that normal. We’re annoyingly functional as families go.’ he considered a moment, ‘It’s weird because we’re so small, just the three of us, but my parents both have big families so it was never like lonely. My cousins really were like siblings and I think that’s weird.’

‘My cousins are just horrible people I wouldn’t know.’ David said dryly. ‘And my Dad’s an only child so’ he shrugged. 

‘I didn’t know that.’ Patrick mused. ‘Anyway, they all take it in turns hosting different days of Thanksgiving weekend, it’s like a whole rota thing. And we’re German-Scottish so we have to go to Oktoberfest somewhere in the mix. And then we spend 3 days driving from town to town. I’ve slept on so many sofas and camp beds in basements over the years.’

‘Sounds delightful’ David said with a smile, Patrick looked over and smiled back. 

He paused thinking for a moment. ‘The thing I liked most.’ he said slowly ‘was driving there with my parents. Especially as I got older, it was like this one time of year I got to spend time with them uninterrupted, just us.’

David thought carefully before asking the next ‘Rachel never came?’

He shook his head ‘She always stayed home with her parents.’ he paused ‘I’m not entirely sure she liked my family.’

‘Well, given what you put up with I think I would survive.’ David said, he turned his head and met Patrick with a kiss. ‘Next year maybe yeah?’

Patrick bit his lip, he didn’t know why everything else that came close to cracking open the walls he’d put up for today. David seemed to get it, he looked away, allowing Patrick a second to compose himself. 

‘Peacocks’ he said from nowhere, looking straight ahead at the park but with a grin playing on his lips ‘One year my Mom decided that peacocks were the perfect addition to Thanksgiving. I think she may have confused what a turkey looked like in real life.’

Patrick chuckled, feeling his composure return ‘Well I guess, for a garden party…’ he shrugged.

‘Oh no they were in the house.’ David siad, ‘Like ALL over. Have you ever fucking heard a peacock? It is not an indoor noise.’ 

‘I don’t suppose they were house trained either.’ Patrick added 

‘That they were not.’ David said with a face ‘Also the chocolate covered nuts that year were a mistake.’ he shuddered at the memory.

Patrick smiled. ‘My Cousins had got a life sized skeleton for Halloween one year, I think I was like 19? 20 maybe? Anyway, we got there and it was laid out on the sofa, like it was taking a nap. I always think of that when I think of Thanksgiving, just this skeleton, three weeks early for Halloween just chilling there laid out on this awful cream leather sofa.’ he smiled and paused, ‘Naturally we all had great fun with it all day. Anyway it’s late, we’re doing movie night- this was Friday so the first time we’re all together and everyone is a little crazy, and drunk or high on sugar. Anyway, we put him in the corner, next to the end of the sofa, and my cousin Marty who is like 15 maybe? But he’s small so he’s hidden.’’

‘Are all the Brewer men small yet perfectly formed?’ David couldn’t help but quip. 

‘Yes, yes we are. Just how you like it.’ Patrick smirked, then continued. ‘So everyone else- the kids and I think my Uncle Jack- knows Marty is there, but you can only see the skeleton. And we’re watching Monsters Inc for some reason.’

‘I love that movie.’ David added, then off Patrick’s look ‘What it’s cute. It’s no Toy Story but it’s good.’ 

Patrick was weirdly endeared by David’s love of Pixar films, ‘Well we can watch it sometime.’ he said. ‘Marty waited like half that movie behind the chair- he still reminds me he hasn’t seen it, I mean Marty, you’re like 25, find it online.’ Patrick was stalling, he wanted to stay in this story forever. He could see it, his aunt’s house in all it’s late 90s decor glory. Wood furnishings, leather couches, a huge kitchen that was full of food any time he was there. Everyone crowded into the living room, people covering every possible seat, and several makeshift ones on the floor. It was never noisy, not in an overbearing way. In the opposite way that four Roses in one room could feel like a stadium noise-wise, the Brewers were more of a soft hum of noise, never quite quiet but something more subdued. If he closed his eyes he could even here the sound of the room- the movie, his Mom telling one of the younger kids off, Uncle Bryn his Mom’s sister’s slightly eccentric second husband- explaining the science of how monsters might do their job to his cousin Abby. And him, sitting with a beer squashed between his cousin Tom and the edge of the sofa, mainly because Tom had brought his girlfriend whose name Patrick couldn’t even remember now, but they seemed to need a lot of couch. 

He felt David squeeze his shoulders and realised he’d stopped talking. ‘It was just a really nice year’ he explained, ‘Anyway, Marty’s been there forever at this point, we’ve almost forgotten about him. Until my Dad comes in with a tray of Nachos, just as he is putting the tray down, Marty reaches the hand of the skeleton out for a Nacho. My Dad jumped about a foot in the air and the Nachos are flying, like actually airborne jalapenos and chips and cheese mush- my Aunt- his sister is yelling at him and Marty is running for the door and the rest of us are just crying with laughter. And then my Dad fully loses his balance and the nachos flip over and land all over him.’ 

Patrick started laughing when he got to the bit about Marty hiding behind the sofa, and was fully on laugh-speaking his way through the last part. Until he wasn't anymore and he was crying. A kind of hiccup-cry where he was struggling to breathe. Quickly he started to panic, and he was hyperventilating, trying to choke out David’s name. 

‘You’re ok. You’re ok.’ he heard David say, his hand working up and down his back. ‘Focus on something you can see, see that rock there, focus on that. And just listen to me, you’re ok.’

Patrick didn’t feel ok, he couldn’t breathe, he was suffocating, and for a second that seemed like a far more viable option. Easier if nothing else. Panic continued to rise, until suddenly something in David’s voice broke through, he was still talking, just describing trees and rocks and talking nonsense, but Patrick could hear him again now. Slowly bit by bit he came back to himself a little. 

‘And over there, that purple flower, it’s a, well I don’t know what but it’s purple and pretty. And the big tree next to it, it’s brown and big and green and-’

‘Thanks, I’m-’ he took another deep breath ‘I’m ok I think.’

David regarded him carefully, his cheeks were flushed with the effort of breathing, his chest still rising and falling a little too swiftly. But he seemed to be ok. 

‘Sorry.’ Patrick said, embarrassed now. ‘I don’t know what…’ he shrugged. He was increasingly feeling like he had no control over his body or mind. ‘I just…’he sighed. 

David stood up and jerked his head. Patrick dragged himself to his feet and found himself pulled into a tight hug, with David’s head buried in his shoulder. Neither of them spoke, just held on for a long time. David wished he could fix even one little bit of this, but he knew he couldn’t. As they pulled apart, Patrick turned them for home. David raised an eyebrow in a silent question of ‘you sure.’ and he nodded, they needed to get back eventually. And besides Patrick had promised Thanksgiving. 

They stood outside the door ‘You ready?’ David asked. Patrick took a breath and nodded. They went inside. The first thing that struck him was it was...tidy? The whole dinner had been cleared away, and in its place were a cake, a cheesecake and an array of drinks. Alexis was there placing plates and Stevie was drying glasses. Over in the living area Ted was searching for something on the TV, while next to him on the coffee table were a stack of board games. As he came in Mr Rose was handing Mrs Rose a glass of wine and kissed her cheek, while she looked up and smiled at him. David caught him noticing and wrapped an arm immediately around him. ‘No’ he said softly ‘It’s really lovely, I think this is…’ he shrugged. David got it and kissed his head. ‘Wow um this is impressive Stevie, Alexis’ Patrick said, raising his voice so they’d both hear. 

Neither of them had noticed them come in. But Stevie immediately put down the glasses and ran to him, scooping him up into a fierce hug. ‘Whoa.’ Patrick said nearly knocked backwards, but then he gratefully hugged her back. She pulled back and nodded at him, looking like she might cry. ‘There’s two pies in the oven.’ she said, they’ll be ready soon. 

‘Thanks Stevie.’ Patrick grinned a genuine smile at her and she smiled back before returning to busy herself with the desert. Moments later he was swept up in Alexis’ hair and perfume. He’d learned she hugged like her brother- an almost vice-like grip on your neck, and he gratefully leaned into her. 

‘I’m sorry my stupid brother didn’t tell us, and stupid Ted and his puppies made it worse’ Alexis said into his neck. She squeezed him tightly, ‘And I’m sorry about your Dad.’ she said softer so only him and David heard. He felt David’s hand on his back then. When Alexis had pulled back Ted had appeared. He looked sheepish and awkward. 

‘I’m sorry, I had no idea, my stupid Dog story, I mean I thought it was cute but…’ Ted shrugged. 

Patrick tilted his head, Ted really was slightly awkward at everything despite looking like he did and clearly being very intelligent in other ways. He shrugged, ‘You didn’t know.’ he offered ‘And like Alexis said none of the puppies died so it was a nice Thanksgiving story really.’

‘You heard that?’ Alexis asked, rolling her eyes at David. 

Ted nodded awkwardly, doing a weird dip with his whole body. He didn’t seem to know what to do with himself. 

‘Oh my God Ted you’re allowed to hug him.’ Alexis said. 

Ted shrugged and Patrick opened his arms and they hugged, slightly awkwardly. 

‘Kids, don’t smother him.’ Moria shouted from the sofa, ‘Let him have some air.’ a beat and she gestured at Johnny who jumped up. 

‘Can I get you a drink Patrick?’ Johnny asked.

‘Sure thanks Mr Rose, there’s some beer in the fridge’ 

Johnny nodded and gestured towards the couch. Patrick exchanged a look with David who shrugged, so they made their way over to the couch, Patrick leaning against the armrest, David protectively wrapped around him. Alexis, Ted and Stevie stayed hovering awkwardly around the deserts. Johnny returned with a beer and awkwardly put a hand on Patrick’s shoulder ‘I’m sorry to hear about your Dad Patrick, he was a really nice man.’

Patrick looked up and nodded, ‘Thanks Mr Rose, I appreciate that. 

‘Don’t hover John!’ Moria said from the chair to his right. Johnny awkwardly shifted and perched himself on the arm of the chair. 

‘Dad get a proper chair.’ David said, ‘You’ll put your back out sitting there.’

Patrick smirked at this uncharacteristic display of protectiveness from David. 

‘And I don’t want to be hearing about it all week.’ he added, just in case it looked like he was being particularly caring. 

‘He’s right John, it’s no good for you, get a chair.’ Moria added, Johnny rolled his eyes and went to the kitchen. Moira reached over and rested a hand on Patrick’s arm. He glanced over at her, she didn’t say anything, just smiled softly and him and squeezed his arm. Just as David caught sight of her, and instinctively squeezed his shoulders. Patrick felt warmed. For all their trying shared personality traits, he loved dearly how much David was his Mother’s son. Moira leaned back looking over to the kitchen ‘Kids come on, let’s get on with this.’ she shouted. 

Patrick heard Ted mutter ‘She does know we aren’t all her kids right?’

Stevie chimed in with ‘I think we’ve all become adopted Roses’ and I’m a bit scared.’

‘Yes come on kids, you promised board games.’ Johnny added. 

‘Board Games?’

‘Board games!’

David and Patrick said it together, and the implication couldn’t have been more different. Patrick’s face lit up with genuine delight. David’s with dread. Moria saw and smirked. 

‘Play nicely Dav-id it’s Thanksgiving.’

David huffed. 

‘Ah but also’ Ted hit play on the TV with a flourish, and loud music and colour burst into life. 

‘Ugh sorry everyone’ Alexis said ‘Ted’s parents celebrate the wrong Thanksgiving if you know what I mean so apparently we have to watch the stupid parade.’

‘I love the parade!’ Patrick exclaimed. 

David looked at him in mock horror ‘It’s fun! It’s got music and dancing and musicals you love musicals.’

David huffed again. 

‘Oh come on, Thanksgiving is about tradition, and if this is Ted’s tradition we should let him.’ Johnny said ‘Even if he does celebrate the wrong Thanksgiving.’ 

‘Ugh does this mean we have to do this again in November?’ Alexis asked with a toss of her hair, ‘Because also I need to start planning for that many carbs now.’

Ted pressed play on the parade and they began setting up a game. They’d moved from Cleudo to Scrabble, after Stevie’s smug victory and David sulking at his early defeat- at which point he’d retreated to the selection of cakes as a consolation. And they’d got a few turns in when Patrick’s phone rang in his pocket and he fished it out, a facetime call from his Mom. 

‘It’s my Mom.’ he said ‘I should-’ he gestured at the phone ‘David take my turn.’ David rolled his eyes at being roped back in but nodded. Patrick clicked ‘answer’

‘Hey Mom!’ he said smiling as her face appeared. 

‘Hey Patrick! She said with a broad smile. He recognised Karen’s kitchen behind her, though she seemed to be on her own. He guessed everyone else was in the dining room still eating, or in the living room playing games like they were. He walked her over to the kitchen as he spoke. 

‘How was Karen’s turkey?’ he asked

‘Oh you know she always dries it out...good thing there’s always a vat of gravy and sauces to cover it with!’ Patrick chuckled, the ongoing battle of the turkey was a well worn one. ‘How was yours?’

‘Superb!’ he said a little smugly, ‘I have to hand it to the cheese guy from the Store. He hooked me up with a great butcher…he chatted her through the food while making his way to the bed so he wouldn’t disturb everyone. 

‘I’m so pleased’ she said, before launching into a description of her day, he listened smiling as she recounted tales from his cousins and Uncle’s football game in the garden. She looked good, happy, relaxed, he was relieved. He nodded along his mind wandering a little watching the game in the living room. He sat on the bed watching everyone play games while his Mom talked through some story about his Uncle Pete and he nodded along. 

‘Patrick,’ his Mom repeated, ‘I said what are you doing now?’

‘Oh! Sorry!’ he said, ‘We’re playing board games, look, hold on.’ he turned the phone around to show her ‘Hey everyone.’ he called to the room, ‘Say hi to my Mom yeah?’ 

Dutifully everyone waved and shouted at once looking up from the game, waving and showing glasses and plates. Patrick grinned a huge grin, the circle took it in turn to say a proper hello as he held his phone up. Then he laughed as while distracted by the conversation Ted had obviously played his turn earning him a loud ‘‘That’s cheating!’ from Stevie. Patrick laughed giving his Mum a panoramic view- resting his gaze for a second onMr Rose topping up Mrs Rose’s glass without her even having to look at it, and resting an arm over her shoulders. Meanwhile Ted was trying to distract Alexis from her turn by kissing her neck as she swatted him away. Then David looked over at him and smiled. And he bit his lip to stop himself from crying. Because it was perfect. 

David caught the second something, in Patrick’s face shifted and jumped up immediately. In the same instant Moria nudged Johnny, jerking her head in Patrick’s direction. Johnny scrambled out of the chair and picked his way in the other direction while Moira kept a watchful eye on Patrick as the game continued around her. 

‘Mrs Brewer! David called out getting up and stumbling over to where he stood, taking the phone from Patrick, so he didn’t have to turn it around ‘Let me tell you about the cakes we-ok Patrick made, I mean I helped with decorating we both know he’s the technical one, no artistic flair though... hold on I’m gonna show you.’ he was off across the room back towards the kitchen leaving Patrick behind as he continued chattering away ‘Anyway how are you? What did you guys eat for dinner there?’ and David was off and running to the kitchen with the phone. Patrick leaned against his desk taking a couple of breaths, when Mr Rose appeared at his side with a glass of whiskey. 

‘You Ok?’ he asked, knowing the answer. 

Patrick took the glass gratefully and downed most of it. ‘It was just so...perfect here and I felt.’ he shrugged. 

‘I know.’ Mr Rose said patting him on the back and nodding towards his glass. Patrick downed the rest of it and nodded, some kind of shared experience passing between the two of them. Only child Parick remembered David telling him. He took a grateful moment while Mr Rose leaned a hand on his shoulder. 

‘I’d say rescue your Mom from David’s cake monologue but I figure she’s used to it whenever she calls the Store and there’s a new delivery.’ Johnny said. 

Patrick laughed ‘The things my parents don’t know about body milk and goat cheese.’ he caught himself realising, Mr Rose tightened his grip on his shoulder. ‘Takes a while to remember all the time, am I right?’ 

Patrick nodded. Grateful for this shared understanding. It was odd to think of Mr Rose being in a similar position. Odd to think of parents feeling this way at all. They were supposed to just...be there, be parents, be superhuman or something. Not...this. But he was grateful. They both watched David for a second who had been giving a virtual tour of the food both laid out on the table and in the fridge. They both laughed as he nearly dropped the pie in his hand trying to balance it, and the phone and try and steal a bite of another cake. 

‘I’d better rescue my Mom. Or that pie.’ Patrick said with a smile.

Mr Rose nodded at him taking the now empty glass back. Patrick gave him a small smile and headed across the room. Johnny moved to the arm of Moria’s chair and she reached an arm around him. The rest of the kids were now too absorbed in their argument about Scrabble to notice David and Patrick or hear Moira when she said. 

‘We might have to look after him a bit John.’

He reached an arm around Moira, watching David do the same as Patrick caught up to his bouncing around the kitchen. ‘Oh I think our son might have that covered’ Johnny said with a fond smile. He looked at Moria, ‘Still I think it’s good he has family here too now.’ 

Moria smiled up at him and took his hand. ‘Maybe we are making up for a bit of what we missed.’ Johnny smiled and was about to answer when Alexis to shouted ‘It is fucking word Ted- DAD! Tell him.’ Johnny rolled his eyes, making up for lost time indeed. 

Before extracting himself Johnny leaned over and kissed her cheek. 

‘And what was that for Mr Rose?’ she asked. 

‘Just...Thankful I guess.’ he said then leaned over to intervene in the heated game, clocking Moria smiling fondly as he began asking ‘Right well what do we have here…’ and wading in. 

David had resumed leaning on the counter when Patrick approached he was still keeping up a detailed tour of the deserts. Or so he thought. When he got close enough to hear- David’s back was to him in the kitchen he heard him talking to his Mom.

‘No he’s eating, the first night not so much and lunch today was...well you know how it is being the host but he’s eaten two desserts so I think he’s suitably fed.’ David and his Mom laughed and he hung back a little to hear where this was going. David’s tone grew serious. ‘I was worried when he wasn’t sleeping, but I guess that’s...normal right?’ he saw his Mom nodding along, ‘And he seems ok, better, I mean not better but... he’s been ok, I promise. He seems...in control. Which you know him? That's what he needs right? Even when he can’t. But I’ve been here so...David felt his hand on his back and bit his lip guilty. ‘Sorry I…’

Patrick kissed his cheek, and saw his Mom smile. 

‘Sorry honey, I just had to check in.’ 

‘I know.’ Patrick said leaning on the counter so they were both in the camera enough to talk to her. ‘He’s right I’m doing ok. I promise.’

His Mom nodded. ‘I believe you.’ she smiled ‘Well I believe you now David has confirmed.’

David leaned over to kiss his cheek in return. ‘I’m looking after him.’ he promised. 

For the first time Marcy looked emotional. ‘I’m glad.’ she said ‘I’m glad you have someone who understands you too, you’re going to need that.’

‘Mom.’ Patrick said softly. He felt David’s arm come up around his shoulders, and he leant in a bit closer. ‘Are you ok?’

She nodded. ‘Yes, yes I’m fine. I just always worried about you and I know I don’t have to anymore.’

David looked up trying not to cry. Instead he leaned into Patrick’s hair and kissed the top of his head lingering a moment too long so he could hide his face. Marcy didn’t need to see him cry. 

‘I’m ok Mom I promise.’ Patrick said quietly. 

‘It’s going to get harder.’ Marcy said, ‘I know it feels weird right now this odd Thanksgiving limbo.’ Patrick nodded listening to her, ‘And next week, well next week will be busy, but after that, that’s when it gets harder.’

‘Mom I’ll be-’

‘I’m talking to David.’ she said fixing him in her gaze. He nodded solemnly. 

‘I know.’ he said ‘I’ll be here.’ 

‘Good.’ she said. 

‘I’ll let you two…’ David trailed off, ‘Nice to see you Mrs Brewer, text me any time.’ Patrick gave him a look ‘And I’ll see you next week.’ 

Patrick threw him a look, they hadn’t talked about the funeral. David nodded at him to say ‘we’ll talk later.’ and waved a goodbye at Marcy before extracting himself. The living room was noisy, the Scrabble argument still raging, so he slipped over into the bedroom for a moment, on the pretence of checking, then plugging in his phone in the corner. 

‘You’re doing very well with him’ his Mom said from behind him. 

He had intended some kind of quip at her, but instead he spun around and threw his arms around her neck, just for a second. She hugged him back, patting his hair as he buried his face in her shoulder. ‘I feel like I’m just pretending’ he said, betraying what had been eating at him for days. 

‘Want to know a secret?’ she said into his hair, ‘When it comes to stuff like this we all are.’ 

He pulled back and she tidied his hair up. ‘You’re doing ok.’ she smiled, ‘He’s doing ok, so you’re doing ok.’ she smiled at him ‘you’re stronger than you think David.’ 

He nodded and she made her way back to his Dad, who gave him a nod from across the room. David sat on the bed just as Patrick approached. He didn’t speak, just put his head on David’s shoulder. David let him sit for a minute. 

‘We should join in the game.’ he said quietly.

‘I know.’ Patrick said, straightening up. He was tired suddenly again. David stood and pulled him to his feet again, and into a hug. 

‘How about more pie?’ David asked 

‘That’s your answer to everything.’ Patrick mumbled into his sweater.

‘Because it’s a good answer.’ he said, releasing Patrick with a quick ‘you ok?’ look he turned to the room with a flourish and announced ‘More pie!’ 

More pie did prove a suitable distraction, and they settled back into the game- won by Mr Rose, who had taken Alexis’ place after her dispute with Ted. As the evening drew in they moved onto splitting off into half a group playing cards and half watching Toy Story which for some reason was one of Stevie’s traditions. Patrick was sat at David’s feet playing cards with Ted and Mr Rose, while he, Stevie and Alexis were engrossed in the film- and fielding a range of questions from Mrs Rose. Halfway through Stevie had declared a need for snacks and Patrick had waved her in the direction of the kitchen telling her to make whatever, and returned to his game. He’d half forgotten she’d gone- he was doing very well at beating Mr Rose, and Ted was no real Poker player, when Stevie arrived back from the kitchen declaring; 

‘Nachos!’ and dumped them in front of Patrick. 

His stomach felt like it dropped to his feet. He dropped his cards. Then knocked his beer over. ‘Fuck!’ he said, luckily it was mostly empty but it took the nachos with it, which luckily Ted caught- mostly, ending up with a couple in his lap. 

‘Oh watch it there Patrick that’s one way for me to finally beat you.’ Ted said with a laugh. 

‘Oh uh yeah. I um fold anyway.’ Patrick stammered scrambling to his feet ‘I need some water.’ 

It took David a few beats, and Patrick hauling himself up over David’s legs and nearly falling over the couch to put two and two together. 

Patrick leant into the fridge a fraction longer than he needed to getting a beer. 

‘Hey.’ David said ‘Do you need a breather, everyone will understand if you…’

Patrick shut the fridge door. And leaned up to quickly kiss David as a thank you for coming to his rescue. ‘No.’ he said suddenly with a bit of resolve David hadn’t seen in a few days, ‘No actually I think we need to do something else.’ he picked up his beer again and walked back towards the living area. ‘Um, sorry about that.’ he started. Alexis seemed to sense he was about to say something and hit pause on the tv. ‘Um, Stevie sorry I nearly ruined um, those. And Ted.’ he exhaled just as David caught up to him resting an arm on his shoulders. ‘I told David a silly story earlier.’ he pushed his hands into his pockets, ‘About nachos at Thanksgiving. And they made me think of my Dad.’ he looked up thinking, conscious everyone was now staring at him. He ploughed on. ‘When I was a kid, this other kid in school, his Dad died, and when he came back to school the teacher got him to stand up in front of everyone and talk about it. I’d always thought it was a bit weird, awkward whatever. But I think I get what she was trying to do now.’ he felt David move in closer, ‘Because I know we’ve all been thinking about it but not thinking about it, so maybe I should just say to you all at once; my Dad died three days ago, and, and well, that sucks. And I guess I’m not ok. And weird things like Nachos are making me act crazy.’ David kissed the top of his head and he could picture his fond smile as he wrapped his arms fully around him. ‘But I wanted to say we appreciate you being here. Um I do.’ 

‘Did you just say we?’ David muttered into his neck. Patrick realised what he’d said then smiled. 

‘We. Ok? Yes, we David Rose.’ he said with a smirk patting David’s hands ‘Because we just hosted our first Thanksgiving. Even if I did most of the cooking.’ he felt David bury his head into his neck. ‘But thank you all for being here. For understanding too.’ he said. David straightened up and wrapped a protective arm around him. 

‘Of course we were Patrick.’ Moria said, raising her glass to him.

‘Wouldn’t be anywhere else.’ Alexis said. 

‘I wasn’t going to cook.’ Stevie added, but Patrick noticed her wiping at her eyes. 

‘Any time.’ Ted said with an awkward nodd. 

‘Whatever you need from us.’ Mr Rose said with a nod. 

David squeezed him, ‘I’m proud of you.’ he said with a half smile. Patrick nodded, before leading him to the couch once more. There wasn’t enough room for both of them so he perched on the arm, as Alexis hit play and Stevie offered him the nachos sheepishly, which he gratefully took. He coughed Mr Rose resting a hand on David’s shoulder as Ted dealt both of them into the game again. 

A few hours later they’d pieced together another round of snacks, and consumed a fair amount more wine between them. After a spirited game of charades and pictionary they were listening to some generic ‘holiday music’ playlist even though half the room protested October was far too early. Patrick felt himself getting sleepy again and leaned into David, who lifted an arm and pulled him in as the room chattered softly around them. He’d just close his eyes for a bit he thought. Quite a while later Patrick was fully asleep, though David hadn’t noticed. 

‘Ok is it movie time?’ David had asked. ‘It’s not Autumn until we’ve watched When Harry Met Sally and I’m declaring this a new tradition.’

‘I think.’ Mr Rose said stretching, with a gesture to Moria who had been fighting to stay awake for a while, ‘It might be home time for some of us.’ he nodded towards Patrick as well who hadn’t actually moved, or responded to David’s suggestion. He nudged his wife back awake and jerked his head. 

Alexis and Ted exchanged a glance and she detangled herself from him, Stevie also stretched and pulled herself up. David considered not waking him for a second, but knew he’d want to say goodbye, so as everyone gathered their coats and board games and leftovers he leaned down and kissed Patrick’s head. ‘They’re leaving love.’ he said quietly, ‘We should say goodbye.’

Patrick blinked awake and nodded, just about registering what David had said. He paused for a moment still half sleeping to see David looking at him with a mix of love and concern, his face soft and eyes wide. ‘Thank you’ Patrick said. David nodded, understanding, then offered a hand as he stood up and pulled Patrick with him. 

‘Thanks for coming everyone.’ Patrick said with a broad smile. 

‘It was del-ightful.’ Moira said leaning in and kissing his cheek. He smiled a bit embarrassed. 

‘Really good cakes Patrick.’ Stevie said waving the bag of slices he’d given her earlier. ‘I will be forcing you to bake more often.’ She hugged him and David. 

‘So fun!’ Alexis said, ‘Also much better than the duke l’orange Antoine used to make us. So not Thanksgiving.’ 

‘I don’t recall you complaining at the time.’ Johnny said, raising an eyebrow. 

‘That’s because she didn’t even eat it.’ David said, making a face at his sister. ‘Too busy sneaking gin martinis’ she made a face back. Alexis came over and hugged Patrick and reluctantly her brother, who ruffled her hair in response, which she flicked at him. 

‘Kids…’ Moira said half heartedly. 

‘What it’s Thanksgiving? We have to fight.’ Alexis said looping an arm through Ted’s. 

‘Thank you Patrick that was wonderful.’ Johnny said coming over and hugging him, before Moira took his arm again. ‘We’ll see you on Thursday.’ he nodded solemnly. 

‘On Thursday?’ Patrick said surprised. 

Johnny nodded ‘Of course. We’re coming to the funeral. I mean unless your family would prefer …’

Patrick smiled, and nodded while David took his arm physically steadying him. ‘No I just didn’t think you would...it’s a long way and…’ he shrugged. 

‘Of course we’re coming.’ Moria said. ‘We’re going to take our car and Stevie knows a Motel nearby we can stay in overnight. David can stay with you and your Moth-er of course.’ David leaned his head down to meet Patrick’s. ‘It’s all arranged.’ Moria added. 

‘When did you…’ Patrick blinked in disbelief. 

‘Earlier. When you were out.’ Stevie said. ‘Mr Rose planned the route and everything, so you don’t need to tell us anything.’

Patrick nodded, biting his lip ‘Thank you?’ he said ‘I um, don’t know what to say. I didn’t think…’ 

‘It’s what you do, for family.’ Johnny said. Patrick nodded a thank you. He didn’t see David mouth ‘thank you’ at his Dad as they all filled out. He held it together until the door closed behind them, before he made the small sound David had started to recognise as the start of him crying. He opened his arms and Patrick fell into them. They stood for a moment just holding on. The tears didn’t last long, it felt like just a moment of being overwhelmed by everything. But he let David hold him a while anyway. 

When David went to pull back, feeling him still under his arms, Patrick shifted his hands under David's sweater, working them up over the thin material of his t-shirt. He pulled back and looked up silently asking the question. David nodded and leaned down and kissed him, pulling him in close. 

They quickly moved to the bed shedding clothes along the way. David did a quick check in when he first touched his boyfriend. Checking everything was ok, that he wasn’t pushing through anything he shouldn’t. He was answered with hungry kisses, that had yes still an air of some kind of melancholy longing, but also a sense of their usual mix of love and passion. He paused a moment to really look at Patrick who stopped and locked eyes with him, having the silent conversation too, before leaning in to gently kiss him. David nodded, they were good he was assured, so he returned the kiss with added hunger. They enjoyed taking their time, a sleepy, lazy, but passionate exchange which ended with them curled around each other exhausted, but the most relaxed either of them had been in days. Patrick stretched lazily and kissed David’s hair. 

‘I’m going to miss you.’ he said sadly. 

David bit his lip. The thought had occurred to him but it seemed selfish, in the circumstances. They’d been with each other nearly every day for the last two years. Even before they were anything more. Three days was probably the longest, aside from the week after the barbeque, that they’d not seen each other. David hadn’t wanted to ask until now but it seemed the time. 

‘How long will you...I mean I know I’ll see you Thursday but…’

Patrick shifted, pulling the blankets around them ‘I don’t know.’ he answered honestly. David shifted to sit up slightly next to him, this felt like it should be a proper conversation. 

‘Take as long as you need.’ he meant it, as hard as it was going to be for him- both practically running the Store, and personally. 

Patrick nodded. ‘I don’t want to be away too long but if my Mom…’

David nodded ‘I know. Take as long as you need.’ he said ‘and don’t worry about the Store, I’ve got Alexis and Stevie who can cover if we need extra help. And I can take care of things.’ he looked down ‘I’ll miss you too.’ he bit his lip. 

There didn’t seem to be anything more to say, so Patrick leaned in and kissed him again. And quickly it escalated once again. Apparently making up for what they might miss the next week. Finally, later that night, both showered and the apartment cleaned, David pulled the laptop into bed. 

‘Did you think I’d forget this tradition I’m starting.’ he said with a smirk. 

Patrick rolled his eyes and let him. Secretly he enjoyed the film, and he enjoyed more the last few hours to be curled up with David and not have to think about the week ahead. He’d seen the film several times before. But somehow he appreciated it a lot more this time around. 

‘When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.’ 

Harry was saying on screen. Patrick felt a lump in his throat. He looked over at David, who had tears silently streaming down his face. Patrick didn’t want to disturb the end of the movie. Or David letting whatever it was out. So he sat quietly, eyes fixed on the screen. As the credits rolled he reached over and took David’s hand, still not looking at him, playing with his rings a little. He tried not to cry, fearing if he started he might not stop right now. And now wasn’t the time. He felt it too, he wanted to tell David. But he couldn’t. He saw David wipe at his eyes out of the corner of his eye, but heard him sniffle a bit too. So they sat right to the end of the credits, Patrick softly playing with David’s rings, David letting his tears flow for a minute, both of them staring straight ahead, knowing but not saying. 

The next morning David kissed him goodbye at the car, and promised not to cry. 

‘I love you.’ Patrick said. 

‘I love you.’ David replied. 

They stood for a second, then embraced a final time, before Patrick got in the car. Only when he pulled away, driving away from David did he let himself cry. Knowing full well David was doing the same behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The skeleton story is based on a true one...
> 
> What I am trying to write to in this is the weird ups and downs of grief, especially for someone like Patrick used to keeping it together so well. And that those ripples hit on everyone around a person too.


	5. I can't walk in there without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of Patrick's Dad's funeral arrives. He realises he needs to lean on David (literally at times). And his new family are there for him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate funerals are slightly different (as a rule) in North America to what I've described here, but as a Brit I've used a bit of creative license to lean into Patrick's/Clint's Irish heritage and describe the kind of funeral I'd know. Just hopefully not like the one where my one Irish relative nearly fell in the grave though yeah? (funeral humour, a big one with us Celtic types...)

David stared out of the window as they drove up to the church, fussing with his tie and checking his phone. He knew Patrick wouldn’t be texting him now. He had other things on his mind. But he had to keep checking. Just in case he was needed. As if connecting with him somehow a message flashed up. 

‘We’re leaving now. See you soon. X’

It was completely redundant information as the funeral was due to start in 30 minutes. And David sensed he was doing the same thing, sitting in the car wondering what to do with himself. 

We’re almost there. Dad made us leave early. Told us we couldn’t be late. X’

I mean it is frowned upon

You know the Roses like to make an entrance.

He followed it with 

My Mother has toned it down. Didn’t even have to ask her.  
Though I guess funeral chic is her everyday vibe.’ 

At least none of you had to go to too much trouble for an outfit...my suit didn’t fit…(too much cheese...though Mom said it’s because I’m happy.)

Cheese makes me happy too. (She’s right.)

What if I eat all the cheese and I can’t fit into my jeans?

I love you in spite of your mid range straight leg denim not because of it. (you’d look as good no matter what)

You say that now...what if I ate all the pies too?

Which of the two of us is more likely to eat the pies?

True. You hide them under the sweaters though. (you look good under them no matter what)  
God I’m starving now. 

Think of the buffet!

I knew there was a reason you came. 

There was a pause, he could see he was typing then 

I’m glad you’re here. 

Again he was typing 

How do I do this David? We have to leave and I don’t know if I can do this. 

David inhaled, making a small noise. He tried not to cry, lifting his eyes up to the ceiling. You can’t cry yet he reminded himself. You have to keep it together. 

‘Ok David?’ his Dad called from the front seat, looking at him in the mirror. 

‘Hmm.’ David said. ‘Yeah, yeah. Fine.’

He looked back at his phone. 

You can do this. I will be there for you. I love you. 

He waited a few moments and no reply came. They must have got in the car. He sighed looking back out the window. 

‘We’ll all be there.’ Moira said, twisting to look at him. 

‘I think that’s it.’ Stevie said, gesturing at a large red brick Church on the left. 

David exhaled. This was it. That conversation had reassured him in a weird way. Patrick’s need for him there overriding the waves of doubt, even fear he’d had about coming. As they pulled up and he got out, anxiously waiting for Patrick’s car he thought back to the conversation two days ago. 

They’d been chatting about nothing in particular on the phone as they had every night. David talking through the day’s sales, telling a story about Roland and a burst pipe, anything to keep a connection to ‘normal life’ while Patrick told him stories of visiting family, and how things were going there. It had been harder than they’d imagined shifting to long distance even for a few days. Patrick had shifted to giving him the specifics of Thursday’s arrangements. 

‘I’ve emailed your Dad too.’ he added ‘Well, he asked me.’

‘Hmm he gets very organised about things like this.’ David said, ‘You should have seen him plan a vacation pre-internet...it was something.’

Patrick chuckled, ‘It’s ok, it’s good. You know I love a list.’

‘And a spreadsheet.’ David smiled. ‘Is that everything I need to know?’

Patrick caught the weight in his question. ‘Yeah why?’

David looked at the ceiling, then pulled the blanket on the bed around him a bit tighter. He was at Patrick’s. He needed to go home and get his clothes first thing. But for now he liked being here. ‘Just checking there’s nothing else.’ he said. Stalling. 

‘David what is it?’ Patrick asked evenly. ‘I can’t speak David-Rose as well when I can’t see what your face is doing.’

‘Guess.’ David said stalling again but it actually might help. 

Patrick smiled to himself and leaned on the kitchen table, pushing his open laptop with the maps and lists away, and closed his eyes. ‘Well, you’re in my bed for a start. Probably on my side, and now my pillow is going to be covered in hair product so thank you for that.’ he smiled at the image anyway. ‘And you’ve got the old blanket with you...am I close?’

‘None of that is what my face is doing.’ David said, slightly indignant. 

‘Getting there.’ Patrick said his eyes still closed. ‘Right now you’re frowning at me because you know I’m right. And now you’re trying not to smile but doing that half smile thing.’

David huffed. Patrick continued. ‘But when you asked me if there was anything else you did that thing where your eyes go up to the ceiling because you’re asking me a difficult thing, and you don’t actually want to say the thing you’re thinking.’ he paused ‘Close.’

‘Not at all it’s like you don’t even know me.’ 

Patrick laughed at the petulance. Then grew serious again. ‘David, what do you want to ask me?’

He waited patiently. He could see David staring at the ceiling, playing with the blanket. If he was there he’d take his hand or kiss him until he actually answered. Instead he just had to wait. 

‘Is it ok...with your family, that I’m there?’ he heard David say slowly, as if scared to say it out loud. 

Patrick exhaled. Of course. Of course he was worried about that. 

‘I mean, if you want me to just stand at the back and blend in, not that my family are good at blending in, but I’ll get my Mom to tone it down- Dad can talk to her- and we can just be there at the back and then go home again. Or I can be your business partner, come to support and that’s all we don’t have to tell anyone anything-’

‘David.’ Patrick tried to interject. 

‘Because I get that the last thing you need is twenty awkward conversations with relatives about you know this person and their family and all this stuff and it’s totally fine, I can tell my Dad that-’

‘David!’ he said again. ‘David I want you there. As my boyfriend. My partner.’

‘But-’

‘David!’ he said a third time, ‘I’m invoking the Dead-Dad rule here. What I want goes. And I want you there as my partner in every sense because that’s what you are.’ he paused ‘I need you there as that.’ his voice cracked a bit. He wished for different reasons now he could reach out and touch him. 

David nodded, swallowing. ‘Do they all know?’ he couldn’t help but ask. 

‘No.’ Patrick answered honestly, his extended family didn’t all know. ‘But if they pick my Dad’s funeral to take issue with it then that’s really their problem not mine.’

David nodded again. 

‘I will be there.’ he said. He paused again thinking this through, ‘But let’s not make unnecessary stress. I won’t hide at the back but I’ll stick with my family for the service- not hiding I promise- just you know the Roses, make a scene wherever they go.’ he tried and failed to laugh that off. But the thought also of all eyes being on him, on accidentally making a scene, he both could feel anxiety rising at the thought and the last thing he wanted was to do anything to mess things up for Patrick and his Mom. ‘And you know then they can get to know me over like the buffet or whatever. And my family, if they must. That way I’m there, but I’m not you know shoved in their face…’

‘Ok David that sounds like a plan.’ Patrick could sense David’s anxiety. He got it, a funeral was not really the place to meet your partner’s entire extended family. He didn’t want David to be uncomfortable and he reasoned he’d be busy and distracted. As long as David knew he was there fully as his partner that was all that mattered. He hadn’t mattered how much until now. 

‘I can hear you thinking.’ it was David’s turn to be intuitive now. ‘But I can’t tell without seeing you if it’s ‘David stop being ridiculous’ thinking or something else.’

Patrick was quiet for a long moment. ‘I’m glad you’re gonna be there. All of you.’

David raised his eyes to the ceiling trying not to cry. ‘Say that now, wait until you see my Dad go in on a buffet.’ he said attempting to lighten things. 

Patrick had chuckled while wiping his eyes. Luckily he didn’t have to come up with a response as David had ploughed onwards. 

‘Hey I’ve got some of the pies from the store for your Mom, they’ll keep in the cooler while we drive there ok.’ David said expertly changing the subject to the farmer who supplied them while Patrick composed himself. They’d said goodnight soon after, knowing they’d see each other in a day. A weird mix of relief to see each other and dread at what that day would bring. 

And now they were standing outside the Church. David felt his Dad move up next to him and guide him forward. As promised, with Moria in a suitably subdued outfit, they slipped in at the back. The church was busy but not packed. David did a quick scan and thought he recognised a few people near the front from Patrick’s photos. Aunts and cousins and other various extended family members. He glanced around, there was a group of men and their spouses who looked like they could be golf buddies, another group who looked like maybe work friends. There was a low chatter. 

‘Um. I hate to ask a gross question.’ Alexis said next to him as they walked in ‘But where’s the casket?’

‘Clint’s family were from Ireland.’Johnny interjected so David didn’t have to, ‘The family brings in the casket with them.’

‘Protestants, not Catholics’ Moira noted surveying the church. 

‘I don’t think they’re really much of anything.’ David interjected, ‘But it’s what you do right.’ he shrugged. 

‘Oh. Ok.’ Alexis said. 

They hovered by a pew towards the back of the Church, Johnny looked at David for guidance, who shrugged again, he really didn’t know the etiquette of where to sit. Johnny led Moria in, followed by Stevie and Alexis. David slid in last on the aisle. He wasn’t sure why but an escape route seemed wise. He checked his phone one more time. Then closed his eyes willing his heart rate to slow a bit. He was nervous, anxious and a whole bunch of emotions he didn’t really know how to process. He sensed some shuffling next to him and his Dad was suddenly next to him. 

‘It’s going to be fine.’ he said. ‘This part will be over quickly. They’ll arrive, the Priest will speak, there’ll probably be some hymns, someone or a couple of people will speak, some prayers and then it’s over.’ Johnny leaned in in a conspiratorial way so Moira didn’t hear, ‘Just be thankful they aren’t Catholic we’d be here all day.’ he winked. 

David nodded. ‘How do you know so much about Church? Don’t they take your Hebrew school certificates off you for that sort of thing.’ 

‘Well you get to my age you’ve been to a few of these.’ Johnny said evenly, ‘And also I think any Hebrew School points went with my love of pork chops.’ a beat ‘At least there’s a buffet after this.’ 

David laughed, trust his Dad to think of food at a time like this. He was mid laugh, about to make a quip about professional mourners and buffets when he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

‘Are you David?’ a young man of about 25 with bright red hair was stood next to him. David nodded ‘I’m um, Marty, Patrick’s cousin, he’s outside and Aunt Marcy asked me to come get you.’

David threw his Dad a panicked look. Johnny rested a hand on his arm and nodded. 

‘Ok.’ David said getting up, ‘Ok I’m coming.’ 

Johnny watched him go, he could feel his wife’s eyes on him then too but he couldn’t look at her. Instead he felt Stevie lean into him slightly, giving him a little nudge with her shoulder. He glanced over and smiled, with a small nodd. She nodded back. 

David rushed outside after Marty, he could see two cars and a small group of people. For a second he let it hit him square in the chest that he was looking at the hearse, open, and the coffin waiting to be brought out. He forced himself past that, and his eyes found Patrick in the crowd. He was leaning on the low wall, head bowed, bottle of water in hand. He didn’t look well. 

‘Patrick!’ his voice came out higher pitched than he would like and he scrambled towards him, not paying any mind to the others around him. Equally with no mind to anyone else he swept him up into a hug. And for the briefest of seconds was swept up in the smell, the warmth and the feel of him. He felt him lean in hard and grip at his jacket. 

Patrick clung onto David’s jacket as if it were keeping him upright. Without the wall under him it may well have. He didn’t even see him approach, he was just suddenly conscious of being engulfed by him, his familiar scent feeling like home. He felt like he could breathe for the first time all morning.

David pulled back and looked at him. ‘Are you ok? What’s going on?’

‘Fine. Fine. It’s stupid, I got out of the car, and I felt a bit dizzy, and I...well I threw up David.’ he finally looked at him, his eyes all wide and embarrassed. David bit his lip and reached out a hand to his cheek. Patrick shrugged and continued ‘I don’t know maybe I’m dehydrated, or maybe I ate something weird, and Mom panicked and sent Marty to get you. I’m fine now. You can go back inside.’

‘No he’s not.’ Marcy had appeared at his side. 

‘Hi Mrs Brewer.’ David extended an arm and kissed her cheek. 

‘Mom?’ Patrick asked somewhere between confused and indigent. ‘I’m fine.’

‘No you’re not, and no he’s not going back inside.’ Marcy was firm but not harsh, she reached out a hand to her son’s shoulder, ‘He’s going to walk in with you.’ Marcy said firmly, ‘And sit with us.’

‘Mom, David doesn’t want to- his family are in there he’s going to sit with them.’ a wave of dizziness took over him again, and he fought the wave of nausea still threatening him. He pulled himself upright, and swayed a bit. David was at his elbow immediately. 

‘My brother and sister are walking in with me.’ Marcy said firmly, holding his gaze ‘I don’t see why my son should have to walk in alone when his boyfriend is here and willing.’ she took David’s hand, her expression softening as she looked away from her son to him, ‘I mean, understand if it’s too much to ask, but I would really appreciate it if you would walk into that church by his side.’

David nodded. ‘Of course Mrs Brewer, I’m happy to. If it’s what you want.’

He felt a slight rush of fear at the thought but he pushed it down, concentrating on holding Patrick up. He’d do whatever he had to do. 

‘Look we need to get going, they’re waiting.’ Patrick gestured at the undertakers who were stood stoic at the car, dizzy and nauseous again he leaned into David who hid it well when he nearly got pushed off balance. 

The older of the undertakers stepped forward, towards Patrick. ‘If I may?’ he said in a soft kind voice that matched his slightly weathered face and greying hair, ‘Take your time son.’ he said evenly. ‘You only ever have to do this once. Everyone in there will wait and so will we. Take your time.’ he nodded at David ‘Let him hold you up.’ he moved back towards the car to stand with the others. 

Marcy who smiled at them. David looked at her for the first time, she looked well. She was well turned out in a navy blue suit and pink blouse, dusky pink shoes to match. David assumed Clint had said ‘no black’ as he now realised the women inside had been in a mix of muted colours, and Marty was wearing a deep burgundy suit. 

David glanced from the cars, to the assembled family members- he assumed Marcy’s brother and sisters and Clint's siblings. Then back to Patrick at his side. ‘Can we...take a second?’ he asked Marcy. She nodded. 

‘Of course.’ 

‘Patrick walk with me a second.’ he pulled him upright again and pulling his arm into his walked him firmly but slowly away from the crowd. 

‘David we have to-’

‘Literally give me a minute. You heard him. Everyone can wait.’ 

Patrick complied and allowed himself to be led. There was a small green to the left of the Church and David stopped them there. The first thing he did was pull Patrick into a real hug, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him close. Patrick was obviously startled, but then pulled himself into the hug as well. David felt him exhale. He held on a moment longer to be sure, then stepped back. 

‘We’re gonna do this one step at a time ok?’ he said. Patrick wasn’t looking at him. David rubbed his hands up and down his shoulders ‘Look I don’t know what I’m doing either ok? But I do know I’m here for you, whatever you need. I can handle it all I promise.’

Patrick nodded. Still looking down. ‘It hit me.’ he said ‘In the car. I dunno, how real this was. Which is stupid because of course it it. But then you were there reassuring me. And then I got here and looked at the Church, and the car and the…’ he stumbled and looked up finally at David, ‘I felt like I couldn’t do it.’ he shook his head ‘And then I threw up.’ 

David gave him a lopsided smile. ‘At least you did that out here. I’m not great on Church etiquette but I think the priest frowns on it if you throw up on his robes’ 

That earned him a half smile. 

‘Hey you know who is huge on Church knowledge, surprisingly, for one who went to Hebrew School? My Dad...he’s in there right now teaching Stevie hymns.’ Patrick half smiled again, ‘But you know his love of bacon is an indication not much of that education went in. Speaking of there had better be a decent buffet later or we will never hear the end of it from him, honestly Buffet Hunters should be his reality tv show…we could get Alexis to sing the theme tune. That ought to boost ratings... ‘ 

Patrick smiled up at him gratefully. As usual a David Rose tangent about nothing had distracted him and grounded him. David smiled a little sadly back, with a small shrug. Patrick glanced over at the cars and his family. 

‘This is harder than I thought it would be.’ he said softly. 

‘I know.’ David said, squeezing his shoulders. 

‘David I don’t think I can walk in there without you.’ David nodded at Patrick, reached down and took his hand. 

‘You don’t have to.’ Patrick nodded at him and they walked back over to his family. Marcy nodded at them. 

‘Everyone.’ she said, getting the attention of the small group, ‘This is David, Patrick’s boyfriend, you’ve all heard about him.’ she chuckled fondly David looked down embarrassed, ‘But he’s going to walk in with us.’

There were some greetings and waves from the small group and David nodded politely. 

‘Thanks Mom.’ Patrick said softly, David could feel him playing with his rings nervously, he put his other hand over both of theirs stilling him a bit. 

‘It’s what your Dad would have wanted.’ she said with a smile.

Patrick bit his lip, and David squeezed his hand. He saw the moment where he considered hugging his Mom but they both decided it was too much. She nodded instead then turned to the Undertakers. ‘We’re ready.’ she said softly. They nodded at her. 

David held on tight to Patrick’s hand as they waited. 

Inside the church the music started and Johnny and Moria exchanged a glance, each of them panicked that David had bailed on this. Though they both knew a lot had changed, there was a part of each of them worried he wasn’t going to cope with this. Johnny reached over and took Moria’s hand. There was nothing they could do right in that second. They stood as the funeral procession came in, both bowing their heads automatically as the coffin came past. It was Johnny who looked up first, as the small group approached them. He squeezed his wife’s hand and nodded his head. Their son was walking with his partner holding his hand as he walked into the church for his Father’s funeral. He walked in calmly, at Patrick’s side, dipping his head to whisper something as they came in to which Patrick nodded, his face set clearly trying to control his emotions. As they walked past David gave them the tiniest of glances and a nod over Patrick’s head. Reassuring them he was ok. Johnny nodded back as he felt Moira crumple against him. He reached an arm around her and kissed her hair. 

‘Our boys.’ she said softly. And he knew exactly what she meant. To his right Alexis reached over a hand which her Mom took, Stevie engulfed by the two of them was grateful for Mr Rose’s steadying hand on her back as she watched David and Patrick trying not to cry. 

Patrick glanced up at David just before he entered the Church. He looked over and met his gaze with a slight nod. His Mom was in front of them, her arm looped through his Uncle Terry’s, his Aunt Karen on her other side. Behind them his Dad’s two brothers, along with Marty and his sister Claire would follow. The rest of the family was in the pews at the front. They just had to get there. The undertakers had carried the coffin in front of them, and up the steps. They’d paused here, waiting for the Priest, who was now in front. Just make it to your seat. That’s all you have to do, Patrick reminded himself. One foot in front of the other. Lean on David. Automatically he’d taken his right hand and he was glad of the comforting distraction of his rings to hold on to. He knew David knew it meant he was anxious, he normally stilled his hand after a bit, as he’d done outside, but for now he let him run his fingers over them unchecked. 

They started to move, Patrick felt like he was made of lead, but David pulled him forward. For a few moments it was ok, everyone in front obscured his view of the Church and he could just about put one foot in front of the other. As they properly got inside however he could see everyone and he stalled, fractionally, only David noticed. He felt him tighten his grip, before he dipped his head and said ‘You only have to do this once.’ Patrick nodded, the Undertaker’s words were exactly right. He only had to survive this once. He nodded fracionally and allowed David to keep them moving. He tried not to glance from left to right as they went down the aisle but about two thirds of the way down he glanced to his left and caught sight of his best friend from High School stood, with his parents. And something in him shattered again. His breath hitched and he stifled a cry. Not yet. He told himself. You still have to speak. But he was looking now and he couldn’t avoid seeing who was in the next row over. Rachel. Of course she had come, she had been close with both his parents. They’d know each other half their lives. He caught David noticing her too and looked up, he shook his head fractionally. ‘I’m glad she’s here’ he whispered. Patrick nodded at him, then at Rachel. She smiled sadly at him and nodded. 

They were nearly at the end of the aisle now. It had felt like a marathon. They paused, watching the Undertakers bring the coffin. No he reminded himself, bring your Dad, to a halt. Patrick inhaled sharply at the sight and felt David drop his hand and wrap an arm around his shoulders, steadying him while the Undertakers did their work. He picked up his hand again as they moved to their seats. They’d made it. 

‘Please be seated’ said the Priest, green robes billowing. 

They did and David kept holding on to his hand, moving it to his lap and covering it with his other hand as they waited. Patrick had been to relatively few funerals in his life, mostly for elderly relatives, and one old colleague who had died in a car accident. He shuffled uncomfortably not knowing what to do or expect. He felt David move his thumb over his hand reassuring him. You only have to do this once he reminded himself. 

David tried to concentrate on keeping his breathing steady. He couldn’t afford for Patrick to pick up on his anxiety. He’d be ok in a minute. It was normal he assured himself to feel anxious at a funeral. He’d not been to many, but enough. His Grandparents, his Mom’s Dad when he was only a kid, about 7 or 8. Grandma Rose when he was 18, and later his Mom’s Mother when he was about 25. They’d been sad, but there was an air of inevitably with Grandparents as a young adult- he’d watched friends go through it first mostly. And all his Grandparents had lived to an old age, and in comfort. So it never seemed quite as sad. The ones that gave him anxiety were the friends he’d seen go. He’d not run with the best crowds granted, but he’d seen a handful of acquaintances, and one person he considered a real friend die far too young. Memories he largely kept locked up tight. But it was impossible not to think of them now. He tried to concentrate on the Priest. Despite being a ‘delightful half and half’ situation his Dad had been the only one to really go in hard on religion, understandably wanting to pass down their Jewish heritage. Their Mom had a slightly more lax approach to religion so most of what the Priest was saying was lost on him. He considered maybe saying the Kaddish to himself. Maybe later. 

After a prayer and a hymn, Clint’s brother, and Patrick’s Uncle, got up to give the eulogy. It was sweet and heartfelt and he even made people laugh with tales of their youthful misadventures and a hilarious road trip story. Patrick watched his Mom smile fondly, especially when Phillip talked of their marriage, and of his pride in his son. Phillip didn’t dwell on Clint’s illness saying ‘He always wanted us to think of him as the same man, no matter how sick he got. Lucky for us all, he lived his last years feeling better than he ever had. So that’s how we’ll remember him.’ Patrick nodded at that, and felt David squeeze his hand. He looked over at David hoping for reassurance as nerves swelled up. He was up next. David leaned over and kissed his cheek as they stood to sing. For some reason that threatened to overwhelm him. That David felt confident to do that, in church surrounded by his family. Gave him the strength too to get up and say what he’d planned to. 

The hymn ended and the Priest introduced him, inviting him up to speak. Patrick stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He glanced over at the coffin on his way past, willing himself at once to think and not to think about the reality of what, who was inside. He looked down at his notes for a second gathering himself 

‘I’m not here to give my Dad’s life story. His brother, my Uncle Phillip already did an awesome job and let’s face it he knew him longer than me.’ he’d meant it as a bit of a joke, but the reality of it caught in his throat. He looked down again, then looked up and locked eyes with David who smiled at him and nodded. ‘I thought a lot about what I wanted to talk about today.’ Patrick continued ‘I’m really lucky that I’m spoiled for choice, my Dad and I had a lot of good times.’ he dared to glance over at his Mom then who was dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. ‘People make a lot of jokes about only children.’ he said to his Mom more than anything, ‘But honestly, we are spoiled, spoiled to have our parents there for us all the time, at least I was.’ he shrugged and his Mom smiled at him. ‘But the more I thought about it, the more there was only one story I wanted to tell about my Dad. And that’s one that happened recently. Too recently.’ he glanced up at David, trying to let him know silently where he was going. He held his gaze and he saw when David got it. He nodded. It was ok. 

David watched Patrick bow his head once more before diving into the story. He understood why he hadn’t mentioned it before. And he was ok with this. He got why. 

‘A lot of you know I moved away about two years ago now. And my Dad was so supportive. He didn’t understand why I had to up and leave a perfectly good life.’ he didn’t dare look in Rachel’s direction then, he carried on ‘Certainly not why I had to suddenly be so far from him and Mom, and not even for some super awesome job he could brag about on the golf course. But he never told me to stay. I never told him why I was leaving but he supported me. Unconditionally. And when I called home sad and lonely from this town, in honestly the middle of nowhere I’ve moved to, where I knew nobody...my Dad listened, and supported me. And when I started to get my life back together out there, he supported me in that too. With business advice for my Store. I own a Store now, I guess most of you don’t know that. But that’s not really the story I wanted to tell.Though if Dad was here he’d be boring you about all the business details, so maybe I should do it for you. Maybe I should have brought charts’ 

There were a couple of chuckles. It seemed Patrick got his love of spreadsheets from his Dad. David was sad, not for the first time, it was one of the many things he hadn’t learned about soon enough. 

‘But charts also aren’t what I want to talk about.’ Patrick said, looking over at David. ‘It was my birthday last month, and my Mom and Dad came to visit me for the first time in my new life. I didn’t know they were coming, it was a surprise. I’ve always wanted a surprise party. Which is something maybe none of you knew about me. I don’t think my Dad did even. But one person did, and that’s my partner, David.’

At the back of the Church Moira wiped at her eyes, as Johnny leaned into her. Stevie leaned on Mr Rose who looped an arm around her and Alexis, for lack of anyone else to hold onto looped an arm through Stevie’s. 

‘I hadn’t told my parents about David. And this might not be the ideal way to tell some of you. I’m not doing it to be dramatic, you all know that's not me. Those of you who know David know that’s more his department.’ he offered a grin at David who rolled his eyes, nodded, then wiped at his eyes. Patrick smiled again when he caught Stevie and Mr Rose laugh from the back of the Church and lifted his eyes enough to see the four of them, his new family, clinging onto each other as they listened. He softened his smile and nodded at them. 

‘When I finally did find the courage to tell him, he said ‘I like him’ and that was that. Actually he also said he didn’t understand his clothes, which again those of you who know David can empathise with.’ David locked eyes with him and smiled such a smile of love that it was then Patrick finally started to well up. ‘I worried my Dad would see me differently after that day. He did, but not in the way I expected. When we said goodbye, which was the last time I saw him in .. in person.’ Patrick paused and took a breath, he held David’s gaze again, he hadn’t told him this part, ‘He said I was more myself than he remembered me being. And that he’d never seen anyone be a better fit for me. I said about only children earlier right? Well we’re also have this weird little bubble with our parents right? That day my Dad said he knew I had another family now, the Roses, David’s family. They’re here, they came even though they only met him once. Anyway, my Dad said he was glad to have David in our family now too.’ he couldn’t help it now tears were escaping from his eyes and he brushed at his face. 

David looked at his boyfriend, somehow speaking so eloquently despite everything. Silent tears were streaming down his face now. At the beauty and care of the man he’d barely met, who clearly was responsible for so much of Patrick’s care, and kindness. To think he’d considered David part of their family so soon. He longed in that moment for his family. At the back of the Church Johnny’s face was soaked with tears, while Moira buried her head in his shoulder. He vowed in that moment to take care of Patrick as long as he was able to. Back at the podium Patrick locked eyes with David for a second, he thought it might push him over the edge to see David in that moment, but his boyfriend was fixed on him, despite the tears he could see streaming down his face. He could finish this. 

‘My Dad was the kindest man I knew, the nicest. And if I can show my family, old and new, half the kindness, support and love he showed me, I’ll be doing ok. I had so much more I was going to do with my Dad. I could see my Dad playing golf with David’s Dad. I could see the Christmases back home with us all, me forcing David into stupid Chrismtas jumpers like my parents buy us all every year. I could see my Dad coming to help us fix up our first house together. For the first time in a long time I could see all these bits of my future in place, and in it all I could see my Dad helping me through. Because that’s what he always did. I’m so angry at myself I wasted even a second not having him in my life as fully as I could, so much time. And that there’s so much time we won’t have. But what I’ll remember forever is how unconditionally- how easily- my Dad accepted me. In that moment on my Birthday he showed me just how much I was loved. He showed me so many times over my life, but I was scared, I was really scared then and my Dad just...loved me. And maybe it seems a strange story to some of you, but if you get the chance to love and accept someone in your life unconditionally, when they’re so scared the opposite might happen, take a lesson from my Dad and do that. It was our last story together too. And as much as I wish there were so many more, I couldn’t ask for anything better either.’ he paused for a second to gather himself before stepping down. 

He had planned to walk back to his seat. He hadn’t planned to go over to the coffin. But he had felt pulled to it. He stood for a second, before reaching out a hand to rest on top of it. Behind him he heard the Priest announce a hymn, and the congregation shuffle as the piano started again. He didn’t recognise the music. 

‘I hope that was ok Dad.’ he said out loud, ‘I love you.’ he didn’t know how to move now he was here. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him. But he didn’t want to leave. This was the last time he was going to be physically near his Dad. He felt hot tears on his face, which he left unchecked. ‘I’m sorry too.’ he said, not really sure what for, just, anything he might have done wrong. 

He knew David was there before he felt his arm across his shoulders. He didn’t try and lead him back, he just stood there waiting it out for a second, before reaching down a hand to the coffin too. ‘Thank you.’ he said out loud. Patrick caught his eye and said a silent thanks. David nodded. Patrick placed his hand over David's on the smooth wood, for just a second or two. And something in that felt like a door closing. He said goodbye there and then as he nodded at David, and let him guide him back to his seat. 

The rest of the service was a blur. There was a prayer, and the Priest reading a Bible passage, honestly his Dad hadn’t been religious at all, but in the absence of knowing what else to do they’d handed this over to the Priest to plan. He was announcing the burial arrangements now, and Patrick wasn’t listening. Only when his Mom was signalling to him he should move did he snap back to attention. They were to follow the coffin and the Priest out. Patrick did as he was told, this time taking his Mom’s arm as they left, with David on his other side. He felt himself ushered into the car in a daze, this time thankful for the weight of David next to him. Everything else faded into the background as they drove and he let himself stare out of the window and try and forget for a moment, not forget, so much as not think. 

The service there was quick. Just the family, a few close friends, and the Roses, who stayed at the back looking like they were trying to stay out of the way. David had tried to excuse himself, fearing that he was getting in the way, that somehow the Brewers would resent him. But Marcy continued to usher him next to Patrick. Which was just as well, because he’d slipped into a near cataonic state on the way there. David recognized it as self-preservation. He’d have nothing left, after his speech, and with the thought of the wake to go to. So he sat quietly by, while Patrick sat in silence, staring into the middle distance, barely seeming to register what was going on. 

He remembered reaching over for his Mom’s hand as they sat down. He thinks he smiled at her. And then he sat, not seeing or hearing much of anything while the Priest- who did seem like a lovely man- talked of God again. And led them in Prayers that he wasn’t sure any of them believed in. He made a note to ask David about some Jewish prayers on the off chance any of them felt more meaningful to him. Or maybe asking Mr Rose to say some too, just in case. He felt himself nudged to his feet by his Mom, it was time. 

They got up, diligently threw earth into the ground as instructed as the Priest said his final bit. His Mom was pulled away from him by his Uncle and he was alone, for just a second. He closed his eyes as he threw the last of the earth in and pictured his Dad. That was a far better way to do it, than looking into the ground like that. He kept his eyes on the floor as he took the four steps back towards the seats, and after just two steps he was in David’s arms again. 

David knew Patrick was done before he even spoke. He’d known he’d finished saying goodbye in the church, and now all the fight was leaving him. The adrenaline of his speech, of getting to the church in the first place. He felt heavy against David as they stood in the cemetery, but with exhaustion currently not emotion. 

‘Can we get out of here?’ he heard him mutter into his shirt. 

‘Don’t we have to get to the wake?’ David asked, it wasn’t high on his list of ‘fun things to do’ but he knew they had an obligation. 

Patrick pulled back a bit and looked up at him. ‘It’ll take everyone a while to get there, and there’ll be lots of people there. We’ve got time. And I’m sure you could do with a break too.’

David couldn’t help the half smile that escaped then. Even now Patrick was looking after him, knowing the social obligation and pressure of a room full of people was a lot. He nodded. ‘Do you want to say hello to my family first, I think they…’

Patrick nodded, ‘Of course, of course.’ he detangled himself ‘hold on.’ he said. He walked quickly to where his Mom was with her sister and Marty. He touched her arm ‘Mom.’ he said ‘I’m going to go back with the Roses, ok?’ 

She nodded at him, glancing over to where they, and David were gathered a little way off near the trees. ‘Take your time.’ she said with a smile. ‘You could do with a break.’

He smiled. She really did know him. He nodded and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before walking towards the trees and the gathered Roses. 

Stevie threw herself at him first wrapping her arms around his waist. Alexis, decided to join in and also engulfed him in the same hug. He couldn’t help but laugh, particularly at the two of them doing anything together. ‘Thanks.’ he muttered to them. As they detangled he noticed Alexis taking Stevie’s arm. A strange alliance but one that he found oddly comforting. 

‘Thank you for coming everyone.’ he said when he was set free. Mrs Rose, who had been standing with her arm looped through David’s came up to him then, instead of hugging him she put her hands on his face, and smiled at him, he could see she’d been crying. ‘You spoke beautifully dear. He’d be very proud.’ Patrick nodded, ‘And such beauty here!’ she exclaimed ‘It’s perfect.’ she added quietly stepping back to be steadied on the uneven grass by David. Patrick glanced over at Mr Rose, who had been standing quietly, looking down. When he looked up, Patrick could see he was still crying though trying to hide it. Instinctively Patrick took a step towards him and pulled him into a hug. 

‘Thank you for being her Mr Rose.’ he said as Johnny held onto him. 

Watching his Dad and Patrick David had an idea. When they pulled apart David detangled himself from his Mom and leaned over and whispered something in his Dad’s ear. Johnny’s eyebrows shot up in what looked like a revelation and he nodded looking over at David. He turned to Patrick. 

‘Patrick, in Judaism we have a prayer called the Kaddish we say at the end of a Funeral service. If you don’t mind, David and I thought we could say it now, for your Dad.’

Patrick couldn’t speak. It was as if, not for the first time, David had read his mind. He looked between them both and nodded. Johnny nodded back and gestured for David to stand opposite him. He extended his hands to his son, not a necessary part of the ritual but in the absence of being in a Synagogue or anything else traditional it seemed appropriate. David rolled his eyes but did has he was told. 

‘Ok but no correcting my Hebrew’ David said. 

‘David.’ Johnny said, barely really a warning. ‘Patrick, the prayer it talks about praising god, and his blessings and whatnot, but it also asks that his people be blessed, you know with food, and shelter but also with love and peace. For the mourner’s Kaddish we add in the wish for eternal life, or heaven or whatever we choose to believe about that.’ 

Patrick nodded at him, thankful for the explanation, and the sentiment. 

‘Ok but it only works if we actually like, say it.’ David said, rolling his eyes. 

‘Getting there David.’ Johnny said with a fond roll of his eyes. Weirdly getting David on board with studying his religion had never been an issue, in another life he might have been more devout than any of them. Or at least more educated. He’d always found the history and mythology fascinating, bringing things he found out to his Dad as a kid and teenager and asking him questions. Maybe it was the strange ‘half and half’ as he put it upbringing that made him curious about that part of himself. Either way, he actually spoke better Hebrew than Johnny. David nodded at his Dad, and Patrick for want of anything better to do clasped his hands together and bowed his head as they spoke. 

The words were obviously unfamiliar, but there was a soothing nature to the rhythmic speech patterns of the prayer, and of David and Johnny speaking softly and in sync. It was longer than a lot of the Christian prayers he was used to and he found himself settling in, and letting it be a time to think, his mind wandering to his Dad, and saying goodbye the last time, and flashing on memories of his childhood. He liked that. There was a certain peace to it. He heard from behind him Moira and Alexis say ‘Amen’ at the same time, obviously knowing the prayer as well. Patrick looked up in time to see David and Johnny take a moment looking at each other hands still joined when they finished. 

David gave his Dad a nod as they finished, hands still together. It was a little thank you for that, and in a bigger sense. The kind of thing they never talked about. He’d always enjoyed this shared part of their lives though, he couldn’t explain why. He wasn’t overly religious, as a family they were certainly more culturally Jewish than spiritually. But there was something about that connection to something bigger, both in the religious sense and that cultural sense he’d been drawn to. And maybe it was also something that anchored him to his Dad too. He felt Johnny squeeze his hands before letting him go. Patrick was to his left, looking emotional but in control, he nodded a thanks, his hands still clasped in front of him, where David assumed he’d bowed his head and prayed too. David cleared his throat, something he’d been thinking about while they recited it.

‘It’s traditional to say it every day for 11 months for a parent.’ David caught his Sister’s look at him ‘What I Bar Mitzvah’d and I paid attention.’ he rolled his eyes. ‘I’d like to do that. I know he wasn’t my Dad, and he wasn’t Jewish, but it can’t hurt right. And I thought maybe it might be a nice thing to do, you know to-’ 

‘Will you teach it to me too?’ Patrick asked, interrupting David’s flow before he completely spiralled. ‘I mean if it’s ok for me to say it.’ he glanced uncertainly between Johnny and David. 

‘I learned all the Jewish prayers’ Moria interrupted, coming to his rescue, ‘It’s not like I converted or go to synagogue, but I say them at home for Hanukkah and other occasions. I don’t believe God is that fussy about who says what anyway.’ she added with a wink. 

Johnny smiled gratefully at his wife- who had, it was true embraced all his family customs as well, even if they sometimes were a bit lax at any family celebrations. 

‘You did sweetheart’ Johnny said, turning to Patrick ‘I have to agree with Moira, I’m no Rabbi but I tend to think God doesn’t mind if you borrow a bit now and then, especially within family.’

Patrick smiled and nodded as David came back to his side and looped an arm around him. 

‘Shall we?’ Johnny asked gesturing towards the car and offering an arm to Moira. ‘I trust you can direct us Patrick?’ 

Patrick had an idea for the breather they all badly needed ‘Actually Mr Rose, I’m starving- there’s a burger place on the way if anyone wanted lunch?’

‘I could eat.’ Stevie said helpfully. 

Johnny nodded, ‘As long as you’re Mom’s not expecting you right away?’

‘She’s going home to collect the cakes first, we’ll likely be there before she is’ Patrick offered. Satisfied Johnny nodded and began walking away. Alexis fell into step alongside him and took his other arm. Stevie just behind them. David began to move away too. 

‘Hey,’ he said, pulling him back just a fraction as the others walked towards the car. He reached up and kissed him. ‘I couldn’t have done that without you.’ 

‘I’m glad you didn’t have to.’ David said. 

‘It’s not over is it.’ Patrick said, David wasn’t sure if he meant the funeral or the bigger picture of all this. He shook his head. His mind flickering on the memories he was attempting to keep a lid on too. Patrick caught something on his face ‘You ok?’ 

‘Yeah. Yeah. Fine, fine.’ David said. Cursing himself. Saying it twice didn’t make it more convincing. ‘I’m hungry too. Let’s eat before we have to face the rest of today.’

Patrick nodded. He went to walk away with David then stopped. ‘Actually, give me a second?’ he said. 

David nodded, ‘I’ll be at the car.’ he leaned over and kissed Patrick’s cheek before leaving him to look out at the cemetery behind him. 

Patrick knew he wasn’t really saying goodbye then, he’d already done that. But he couldn’t just walk away either. It felt so strange to, just...leave like that. He didn’t have much choice. After a brief reprieve of lunch he had part two of today to face, and then what he wondered? More importantly he wondered how he was supposed to feel now. Because he still wasn’t sure he was doing it right. It had only been a week without his Dad and he was already totally lost about how to face every week after. 

He glanced behind him, he could see David waiting not quite at the car. Just do the next bit he reminded himself. Worry about the bit after, after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole funeral day should have been one chapter, but this one got away from me. I found it incredibly cathartic to write so much love from Patrick for his Dad. 
> 
> Another fun story from my Irish Family's Funeral Adventures. The time Danny Boy was sung for a relative named Danny in the mot depressing, dour way possible IRL...which I will never now not hear in Moira's voice...
> 
> Obviously the next Chapter will have strong buffet descriptions too.


	6. Its Tradition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the Wake Patrick tries to hold it together, while David tries to hold him together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made myself cry with the opening and closing segments writing them. So I'm sorry.

Fifteen Years Later 

‘What are you thinking about?’

‘Lunch.’ David replied honestly, ‘Which he would appreciate at least.’ He paused, ‘I was thinking actually about those burgers we had the day of your Dad’s…’ he shrugged. Weird, or totally on brand I don’t know. 

‘I really appreciated your parents that day you know.’ Patrick said looking down at the ground, that day and many before and since. Fifteen years ago David hadn’t had much of a chance to forge a connection with Patrick’s Dad, a situation entirely his fault, and one he continued to regret- just even a few more months of them getting to know each other he would have loved. He’d now known David’s parents for almost seventeen years. At once it felt like a lifetime and half a day. They’d become his family, long before he and David actually got married he realised. And the last six months had taken their toll on him too. As if reading his mind, David spoke. 

‘It was my Mom who always said she didn’t want to be around long without him.’ David barely got to the end of the sentence before he choked on his words. He felt Patrick steady him at his waist. ‘I’m not sure why she had to get the head start.’ 

Patrick clung on tightly, waiting. Losing both parents within six months of each other was more than he could comprehend. David was doing admirably all things considered. ‘I mean she always had a flair for the dramatic.’ Patrick said fondly. 

‘If she were here she’d say he died of a broken heart. Which I guess he did if we’re being literal about it.’ David said ‘I mean it was more cinnamon buns and pork chops...the latter we didn’t tell the Rabbi about’ he said to the sky, rolling his eyes with a laugh, which caught in his throat as a sob. Which he contained just about, looking up to the clear summer sky as Patrick rubbed his back. ‘It’s just not fair.’ he muttered, ‘I mean I know it’s not fair for anyone but come on!’ 

‘I remember when your Mom was off in Bosnia, and the whole town heard about the love letters.’ Patrick said, stilling his hand and snaking it around David’s back, ‘And when you told me the real story, I thought ‘that’s a love story to live up to.’’ he felt David sob against him again ‘I knew then he’d never last without her. David I know it’s not what any of us wanted but I can’t help but think it was meant to be this way.’ Patrick couldn’t help the tears streaming down his face too now. Patrick leaned into him, knowing there was nothing to be said. So he wrapped his arms around him and let them both cry.

David was taking this harder than he had in the first days. He remembered for himself just getting by had saved him. He’d held it-mostly- together for the funeral, and his falling apart had come much later, and much worse than he’d anticipated it being. For David the grief had run into itself somehow. And he couldn’t be sure if that was going to be easier in the long term than it had on him or not.

‘Do you want to get out of here?’ Patrick said. Everyone else had left now, heading back to the wake. 

‘Just a minute more.’ David said quietly, looking across the grass at where they’d just buried his Dad. Next to Moira, just like they’d asked for. Patrick took his hand. 

‘As long as you need.’ he said. 

Fifteen Years Earlier 

Tears were streaming down Patrick’s face, he looked over at Johnny who was also wiping at his, while he tried to regain control. Then to his left Stevie snorted. Actually snorted. His sides ached but he couldn’t stop laughing. 

By now the few other diners outside the burger place were looking. They’d taken a table outside for some air, as it was a cool but pleasant Autumn day. Patrick was clinging to the table, trying to breathe through his laughter. Mr Rose was clinging to Moira’s arm, who was trying to maintain a more dignified air about it, but having delivered the story about David, a school trip to a farm, and some pigs, it was proving difficult. 

David of course was having none of it, haughtily staring off into the distance. Until Moira added ‘He wouldn’t eat bacon for weeks. His Father thought he’d become kosher all of a sudden.’ 

‘And you know how I feel about Pork.’

‘Yes John we all do.’ 

David couldn’t help it. He finally smiled. ‘Actually it was a month. Couldn’t look at a pork chop either.’

‘That’s right! You know we genuinely thought you were ill, it’s the only time in your life you haven’t eaten anything that’s offered to you.’

David paused with a fry halfway to his mouth, then shrugged and ate it anyway. He reached over to take a drink- out of Patrick’s soda. 

‘Hey.’ Patrick swatted at him, as he put it down ‘Get your sloppy mouth off my soda.’

‘I’m thirsty.’

‘Then order your own drink.’

‘I did.’

‘Milkshake is not a drink, which is why you’re stealing my soda.’ Patrick narrowed his eyes and stole several of David’s fries. He looked aghast. ‘What?’ Patrick said through a mouthful of fries.

David wrinkled his nose, ‘So attractive’ he said with a smirk. While he was distracted Alexis stole more of his fries to his left, he swatted her hand without even looking.

‘Ow! David!’ she exclaimed ‘God!’ 

‘Get your own food!’ he said. 

‘Fall in pig crap!’ she responded. 

‘Doesn’t your boyfriend do that every day?’

‘Ught’ she flipped her hair and stole more of his fries.

‘Get off!’ he exclaimed. 

‘Hey Alexis want some soda?’ Patrick asked, handing it across David. 

‘Thank you Patrick.’ she said with a smirk sipping on the soda. 

‘Alright alright kids.’ Johnny said, holding his hands up. ‘We don’t want a repeat of the Poutine incident.’ 

‘You wouldn’t…’ David said.

‘Oh I don’t think I know this story.’ Patrick said smirking in Stevie’s direction. ‘Do you?’

‘No, no I do not.’ Stevie said, ‘But I would love to hear it…’

David couldn’t help it, ‘Mom!’ he exclaimed. 

Moira smiled taking a sip of her coffee, ‘Now David, you’re a grown up, you can’t expect me to come to your rescue every time your sister...or your Father tells an embarrassing story about you.’ she took another sip, ‘Besides there are just so many, I can’t keep track.’ 

David huffed, and slurped at his milkshake. Patrick leaned on him, an arm around his shoulders. ‘It’s ok David, I still love you even knowing about the pigs.’ He paused ‘And the time you sat in poutine, in white pants.’ he clapped a hand on his shoulder. ‘Yeah Alexis already told me.’

David shot his sister a death glare, and flicked a fry at her. 

‘Ew!’ she exclaimed. 

Silence settled for a second. Patrick leaned a bit harder into David, who snaked a hand around his back under his suit jacket and planted a kiss on his head. It had been a wonderful break this, and for those few minutes of utter hilarity he could have been anywhere, any time with David and his ridiculous family. And it was wonderful. David’s hand ran up his back again. 

‘Do we need to get going?’ he asked, not really to Patrick but the table. 

‘I guess we should.’ Johnny said, ‘If we’re ready?’ he looked over at Patrick who detangled himself from David and nodded. 

‘Let’s do this.’ he said. 

The Wake was being held at a little community hall. Usually used for a combination of dance classes and kids birthday parties and Patrick supposed. He’d been to a few there and he was pretty sure one of his first High School parties, he had vague memories of people hanging around the edges of the room not dancing with each other. There was a small kitchen at one end, and a small stage at the other. The walls were still decorated for Thanksgiving, with kids’ drawings alongside leaves and orange garlands. His Mom and her sister had catered it themselves, he’d spent yesterday driving carloads of food and drink here. It had been important to his Mom that they do it this way, not hire people or a hotel or something. It was, he recalled how they’d always done family events. It was how everyone around here did it. He glanced at David as they walked in, wondering if he was judging. 

‘Well this is cute!’ he said, taking in the decorations and smiling at Patrick. 

‘The kids nursery or Girl Guides or something I guess.’ he said gesturing to the walls. ‘I used to come here for Scouts actually.’ 

‘Of course you were a Boy Scout.’ David grinned. 

‘It’s just darling here Patrick dear!’ Moria said ‘Such suburban chic! Honestly what I’d give to level up the Town Hall to suburban chic rather than ‘backwater drek’’ 

‘Did your Mom do the catering?’ Johnny asked, typically focused on the food.

‘Her and aunt Karen.’ Patrick nodded. 

‘Patrick helped bake.’ David said proudly. Patrick worried that revealing his skills as a baker were indeed going to be a mistake.

‘Yum! Cake!’ Alexis said. She’d been pretty quiet by Alexis’ standards but Patrick appreciated her and Stevie there for an interjection of normality. On cue Stevie casting her eyes around the room said. 

‘Drink anyone?’

‘There’s a table in that corner’ Patrick said pointing, ‘And some tables set up over there if you want to sit...I should probably…’ he gestured to the room ‘Talk to people?’ he wasn’t entirely sure what his role here was. 

‘Quite right.’ Moira said, ‘You have to help your Moth-er host. John will fetch you a drink for when you get a minute.’ she nodded at him and led Johnny and the girls towards the drinks. David lingered a moment silently checking in, before leaning down and kissing him lightly. Patrick nodded after him. It was time to face, whoever and whatever this had in store for him. 

One of the first people Patrick ran into was Joe. His high school best friend. Literally in fact, Patrick walked in and into Joe’s back. He’d seen him in the church, and it had felt like a punch to his stomach, in a good way, that someone from so long ago had turned up for his family, for him. Joe’s parents obviously knew his parents, but he and Joe hadn’t really spoken other than the odd Facebook exchange, since the end of College and half hearted High School reunions fizzling out. 

‘Hey!’ Joe said his usual friendly grin in place. He was a big guy, former football player, but obviously still keeping fit from the look of him. They were an unlikely match as friends, despite Patrick’s love of sports, he’d been quiet, shy and never one of the cool kids. Joe had been the epitome of a High School football guy, just luckily without being a jerk. But they’d had English class together and sat together on the first day and somehow ended up as firm friends. 

‘Hey there!’ Patrick said going in for a hug. Something about it overwhelmed him and he felt himself welling up. ‘Shit. Sorry.’ he said wiping at his eyes when they pulled back. 

‘Hey man don’t even think of apologising. Not today.’ Joe shrugged, looking in the direction of his own Dad who was getting a drink, ‘Look in your shoes I don’t think I’d be standing. Especially after all these years of...you know.’

Patrick nodded, feeling tears pricking at his eyes again ‘Sorry.’ he said again. He felt Joe’s strong arm come down on his shoulder. Joe was one of the few people who had known Patrick’s Dad had been ill as a kid, he’d been the one whose house he’d stayed at when his parents needed space, or had to stay at the hospital, or travel somewhere for an appointment. Joe was also one of the only friends who he’d told in school, not wanting to be known as ‘the kid with the dying Dad’ 

‘Like I said don’t even think of apologising, I saw what you went through as a kid.’ Joe leaned in as Patrick hiccuped a bit, protective shielding from the noise around them, ‘You’re good man, ok? Don’t feel bad about this.’ 

Patrick nodded and wiped his eyes. He didn't see David across the room watching all of this. Or Alexis putting a hand on his arm stopping him from dashing over to rescue him. 

‘Thanks Joe.’ Patrick said. ‘I appreciate that.’ 

Joe nodded. ‘That was a beautiful speech too.’ he said ‘Make sure you introduce me to David properly eh? I’d like to meet him.’ Joe smiled an easy genuine smile at him and Patrick smiled back, relieved. 

‘Yeah, sure, of course, he’s here.’ he gestured ‘Generally he’s not hard to miss in a room.’ Patrick chuckled. 

‘Glad you’re happy.’ Joe said, ‘Really.’ 

Patrick nodded again. ‘Look, I'd better…’ he gestured vaguely to the room. 

‘Sure.’ Joe said, ‘I’ll talk to you later.’

Patrick nodded again, wiping at his eyes before heading into the room. He was almost instantly pounced upon by some of his Dad’s work friends. Then again by the golf buddies. And some well meaning woman he didn’t recognise, but who seemed to know him. They spent an extensive amount of time talking about people he didn't know in town, but who they assumed he did. At least one of them hadn’t been paying attention in church as she was very insistent that he meet her granddaughter who was here, and ‘was an excellent cook.’ he thanked her politely and reiterated his partner probably wouldn’t be too pleased. The lady insisted the offer still stood should he change his mind. After the gaggle of women moved on to refill their spritzers he thought he might finally get his own drink. But a couple more former work colleagues of his Dad descended with polite condolences and a mild interest in his business. He didn’t mind these chats actually, surface level and superficial. He found himself feigning his way through it, answering basic questions about his life, able to answer truthfully that he and his Mom were ‘getting by.’ along with the golf buddies and the ladies, it wasn’t that their sympathy wasn’t sincere, just none of them needed to go any deeper with it. 

Released from a conversation on business rates he found a beer pressed into his hand and Stevie at his side. 

‘Couldn’t see you go another conversation about business rates without help.’ she said with a wink.

He took a drink gratefully. Suddenly really thirsty, never mind in need of the beer. ‘Thanks.’ he said. ‘Everyone behaving themselves.’ he scanned the room, having lost the Roses and Stevie in his constant moving around. 

‘Fine.’ she said, ‘we’ve been minding our own business in the corner, and mostly nobody knows what to do with the out of town weirdos.’ 

Patrick laughed. ‘I think I’m the out of town weirdo now too.’ 

‘Best kind.’ she smiled, ‘Make sure you take a break yeah?’ she grabbed another beer for herself and headed back towards the table in the corner where the four of them were sitting in quiet conversation. There was something lovely about them sitting there, just waiting it out for him that was impossibly endearing. Possibly Johnny and Stevie had also given the others a stern talking to about blending in, or being quiet for a bit. Which in itself was also endearing. 

Patrick took a swig of his beer and set off in search of his Mom. It had been at least an hour he realised and he hadn’t actually seen her, never mind spoken to her. It took three attempts to cross the room- accosted by a second cousin, someone he used to work with and a neighbour. Eventually he made it to the small kitchen where he knew his Mom and Karen would be. 

They were cutting cakes and arranging sandwiches and chatting, it seemed about some neighbour of Karen’s that had been apparently up to something with the gardener. Patrick walked in at the unfortunate description of where and exactly how they were caught and doing what act. 

‘Aunt Karen!’ Patrick exclaimed ‘How do you know that word?!’ he laughed as his Aunt cackled in what could only be described as a wicked fashion. 

‘Oh you don’t want to know what I know.’ she said wiping her hands and pulling him into a hug. She was a tiny woman, about five feet tall, even smaller than her sister, but she was strong, nearly lifting him off the floor with the force of it. Only two years older than his Mom she had been by far his favourite Aunt growing up- the epitome of the cool version of your parents. Though as an adult he could actually see his Mom and her sister were peas in a pod. 

She handed him a cup cake which he dutifully took and started eating, hungry again already. 

‘You need feeding up.’ Karen said, ‘I bet you don’t get time to cook running a Store and everything.’

‘Aunt Karen my suit didn’t fit, feeding up is the last thing I need.’ 

‘It’s because you’re happy.’ His Mom piped up from where she was slicing cakes. 

‘Or its because I’m over 30 and eat too much cheese.’ Patrick didn’t really mind, truth be told he’d lost a lot of weight the year before he’d left home, none of it healthy. He was happy to joke about his cheese intake but really he was healthier than he’d been in years. 

‘Nonsense. You’re still playing baseball.’ his Mom said ‘and dancing! In a musical.’

‘Yeah well I won’t be making a habit of that.’ Patrick said, licking the frosting off his fingers. 

‘He was always such a good performer.’ Karen said with a fond smile. ‘Though dancing I would love to see.’ she had a wicked grin on her face again. ‘And Cabaret! As the Emcee! That’s a racy role! And your Mother-in-Law cast you? Did she put you in suspenders and no shirt as well’ she raised an eyebrow. 

‘Firstly I vetoed the lack of shirt. Secondly, not exactly my Mother-in-law technically.’ Patrick felt himself flushing, whether from the comments on his costume or the Mother-in-Law comment. 

‘Not yet.’ Marcy said, handing him a tray of cakes with a wink, ‘Be a dear and take these out.’ 

‘Mom, please!’ she’d been dropping hints about Patrick’s long-term plans with David since they’d met him. She had at least been fully warned not to say such things around David. But whether it was his Mom’s insistence or everything else he couldn’t deny that the idea was taking hold whether he liked it or not. ‘Not least because can you imagine how much baking you’d do for a wedding…’

‘So you have thought about it!’ she said her face lighting up. 

‘I didn’t say that did I?’ Patrick leaned the tray on his hip fixing his Mom with the sternest gaze he could. ‘Aunt Karen can you please tell her?’

‘I’m picking out a hat as we speak…’ Karen said. Patrick rolled his eyes. ‘He’s lovely though.’ Karen added with a smile just like his Mom’s ‘Really, they all are.’

‘Say that when you practically live with them, it’s never...dull.’ Patrick said poking at the cakes, and being rewarded with a slap to his hand from his Mom. 

‘Take them out.’ She said, making to shoo him back out to the hall. 

‘You’re going to have to come out here eventually.’ he added with a look at Karen.

‘Give us a bit longer eh sweetie?’ she said with a nod to the back of Marcy’s head where she was busying herself with cakes again. 

Patrick nodded. He got it, his Mom had always been the quieter shy one. On an ordinary day the thought of a room full of people to deal with would be overwhelming. She needed a chance to recharge, and she did that best by being busy with something else. He could identify with that. He went over to her, and leaned in to kiss her cheek. 

‘Just don’t leave me with the Golf Club lot again, or I’ll set Johnny and one of his golf stories on them.’

‘Do it anyway.’ his Mom winked.

‘You know I just might.’ he said, exiting with the cakes. 

It took him five minutes of trying to get to the table. This time he genuinely had no idea who the two men and a couple in their forties who had stopped him were. He did at least manage to get the cake to the table, and put it down before his Dad’s closest friend cornered him. He spent a good thirty minutes with him and his wife, telling them about his new life, hearing their stories about his Dad. It was lovely, genuinely to hear those stories, realise how fond people were of his Dad, but also he could feel himself flagging. It had been a long day, and this was all, so much more exhausting than he’d considered. Leaving them to get home to their dogs-who apparently needed walking now- he was hoping to get to grab a drink, maybe sit down with David for a bit. But no such luck. His Mom’s brother was next to stop him, even though he’d seen him that week, he wanted to talk about the business, and check how his Mom was really doing. While they talked, another old colleague of his Dad’s who also knew his Uncle as it turned out appeared, and then another. Soon there were enough of them in conversation about something Patrick had tuned out about for him to escape. Two more older ladies he had never met before later and he managed to escape back to the kitchen. His Mom and Karen had finally gone into the hall, so it was him and an array of extra food. He lifted a lid off one plate and found a mix of fruit and cheese. While the cheese would have been the more sensible choice, cheese naturally won out. For a few minutes he enjoyed silence- and cheese. 

‘Stealing cheese from the kitchen was my go-to at my parent’s parties.’ David said from the doorway. He was leaning on the door with a smirk. ‘It got me through many a long night.’ 

‘Sustenance’ Patrick said ‘And solitude.’ 

David nodded and crossed the kitchen and somehow managed to pull Patrick into a one-armed hug and snag some cheese at the same time. 

‘You doing ok?’ David asked, ‘I mean cry for help on the cheese plate aside?’

Patrick nodded. ‘So far.’ he said, surprised at himself ‘Just tiring you know?’

‘Working the room.’ David said, ‘It’s an art at any party.’ he leaned down and kissed his cheek. ‘But you’re doing admirably.’ 

Patrick nodded. Taking another chunk of cheese. 

‘Anyway.’ David said screwing his face up, ‘I hate to be the bearer of bad news, or breaker of cheese solitude but…’

‘My Mom sent you looking for me.’ 

David nodded. ‘I can be your wing-man?’ 

Patrick shook his head. ‘Just keep feeding your Dad.’ he suddenly remembered ‘Hey there’s a bunch of really dull golf guys who I could do with not having to talk to again.’

‘On it.’ David said with a smirk. 

‘Oh and there’s a bunch of Church ladies who would love a Soap Opera story or ten.’

‘On it again’ David said, delighted in this mission. 

‘Oh and how about Alexis giving fashion advice to the teens sulking in a corner.’ Patrick winked ‘If she told them some inappropriate stories I wouldn’t be mad either.’

David grinned a wide grin. ‘Well this is a delight I must say.’ 

Patrick grinned in return. It felt wonderfully devious, but also incredibly useful. ‘I think I saw Stevie making friends with some of my cousins over some whiskey so she’s covered.’ 

‘I’ll make sure she behaves.’ David added. ‘And what of me? Do you have some mysterious relative for me to talk to?’

‘Look out for my Mom?’ Patrick said, ‘I keep getting pulled into other people’s conversations and…’ he shrugged. 

David reached down and kissed him ‘Already doing it.’ he said as Patrick smiled fondly at him ‘That and Karen isn’t letting me out of her sight either, but that woman tells a filthy anecdote.’

Patrick laughed, ‘Yes she does.’ he wrapped a hand around David’s waist as they headed back out ‘and from the sound of it it’s a good thing she knows you’re taken.’ 

They were separated again almost instantly. Patrick got pulled over by Joe again, and David obediently went off on his mission to carrel his family into their tasks. A few minutes catching up with Joe and his wife, who Patrick realised he hadn’t seen since their wedding day. Another blur around the hall, getting stopped by mainly people he didn’t know. He could see his Mom happily chatting to some of her friends, Karen at her side. She seemed fine, better than he was doing. Perhaps they were both good at holding it together on the surface. He felt guilty for not being at her side, or for not, he didn’t know, weeping in a corner. While the room seemed desperate to speak to him were they also whispering that he didn’t seem upset enough? Should he have hidden in a corner and looked sad? Or was he supposed to be ‘working the room’ this way? Did they know he hadn’t come home right away? Were they judging him for that too? His head buzzed with the questions. None of which obviously had any answers. Before he could dwell too long he found himself in another lengthy conversation with someone he’d never met. Then a nice catch up with another old school friend whose parents were good friends with his. Then another well meaning colleague of his Dad’s. Finally he extracted himself to a corner and leaned on a rickety old table for a second catching his breath. For a minute it seemed nobody wanted him. He closed his eyes, letting the world spin for a second. 

Marty appeared at his side with a beer in his hand, pushing it into Patrick’s. He smiled gratefully. 

‘You looked like you could use that.’ Marty said with a smile. He’d grown up a lot since the last time Patrick saw him, which seemed ridiculous because he was already a grown man. But he had filled out, grown into himself, he was wearing a smart suit, his hair still wild and bright red, styled. Clearly mid twenties were treating Marty well. Patrick thought back to his own awkward, skinny, less than stylish twenties and was jealous. But also he looked fondly at his little cousin, who could be relied on for a voice of sanity among all his relatives. 

‘I haven’t even had a chance to pee.’ he said honestly. ‘Do me a favour and look like we’re having a really important conversation so I get a breather for a second.’

‘How about this.’ Marty moved in front of Patrick so he was blocking him from most of the room, being almost a foot taller it was actually pretty effective. Maybe he should just walk behind Marty for the rest of the day. 

‘Ha! Brilliant. Knew your height was useful for something.’ Patrick quipped, ‘it’s fine though, honestly join me in leaning on this table that may collapse.’ 

Marty smiled and did so. They surveyed the room quietly for a second. They were very similar people in their happy embracing of silence. Again, unlike some of his Dad’s family, whose motto was sometimes ‘louder is better.’ 

‘You doing ok Marty? I mean in life not in…’ he gestured at the room. 

‘Pretty good.’ Marty nodded. ‘Been at my job for a year now, they haven’t fired me yet.’

‘Well that’s because you’re brilliant.’

‘Ha! Tell that to the 16 year olds who really don’t want to learn quadratic equations.’ Marty taught High School maths. ‘But then they’re shocked at my crazy drumming skills, so I earn some cool points. As much as an over-tall red-haired teacher can.’ Marty coached band, and extracurricular music, and if the pictures on Facebook were anything to go by, the kids adored him for it. 

‘How’s your Dad about it now?’ Patrick nodded in the direction of his Uncle Phillip. Who had considered using an expensive Mathematics degree to teach High School students ‘a waste’. 

Marty sighed. ‘Fine.’ he said ‘I mean he’s not thrilled, but he can see I’m happy and good at it so...that’ll have to do.’ he shrugged, his Dad might have wanted him to go the corporate route but that had never been him. It was what it was ‘But you’ve got a Store now! That’s so cool!’

Patrick grinned, sheepish with pride at their achievement ‘Never thought I’d be selling bath salts and lip balms, but there we go.’ he said, ‘You should visit you know.’

‘I’d like that.’ Marty said, ‘Maybe Spring Break next year.’

Patrick nodded, taking a sip of his beer. His eyes fell on David across the room, who was talking with Stevie, surveying the room. Possibly casting judgement on Funeral Fashion. He caught Patrick’s eye and held his gaze for a bit, before going back to talking. Checking he was ok, but leaving him to get on with it. Patrick smiled. 

‘David seems really great.’ Marty offered following his gaze and smiling. ‘I’m glad I got to meet him.’ 

‘Yeah he is.’ Patrick said, watching him again.

‘He sure looks like his Dad.’ Marty said as across the room Johnny sidled up to David with a plate of food, waving it at him, David snagging a sandwich off it, and they both glared at each other. Patrick and Marty laughed together. 

‘He sure does. It’s slightly terrifying at times.’ he smiled again as Johnny defended his plate of food from his son. ‘They’re quite something.’ Patrick smiled. ‘Nothing like our family.’

‘I can see that.’ Marty said, nodding at where Moira was holding court with a bunch of the Church ladies, even in her ‘toned down’ outfit, quite the sight to behold. 

‘I thought you were the coolest when you worked at Rose Video’ Marty said ‘Imagine what I would have thought if I’d known you’d end up with the heir to Rose Video’

Patrick smiled ‘Well former heir now.’ he said assuming Marty had by now googled his boyfriend’s family history. 

‘Still pretty cool in my book.’ Marty said. ‘How did it...I mean, you two?’

Patrick smiled, he realised he had missed this, telling people how they met part of having someone new in his life. Not sharing it with his family he’d missed this joy, he was smiling without realising it, and silently thanked Marty for giving him this moment of niceness to think about. 

‘He needed to fill in some forms for the Store, the guy I was working for handled that. Before I knew it I was offering to help him out with the business. And then going into partnership with him and then…’ he gestured in David’s general direction, ‘I asked him out on his Birthday.’ Patrick added with a smile. ‘Except he didn’t realise it was a date and invited Stevie.’ he pointed at her ‘That’s the one with the dark hair, she’s brilliant, I’d say she’s the more feminine David but they both might kill me for that.’ 

Marty laughed too. ‘So she crashed your date?’ 

Patrick nodded, ‘Not for long.’ he looked embarrassed, ‘I’d bought David this present, this stupid sentimental thing that would have really backfired if I’d got it wrong.’

‘But you didn’t.’ Marty smiled. His eyes back on David now, who was deep in conversation with his Dad now. 

‘No I didn’t.’ he took a swig of his beer, he and Marty had always been close, so he didn’t mind sharing this bit. In fact he was just sad he hadn’t been able to do it earlier. ‘I drove him home, and I was terrified, both that I might kiss him, or that I would let him get out of the car without kissing him.’

Marty looked over and smiled, he could see the nerves in Patrick telling him this. But he was happy they finally were getting the chance to talk. As Patrick looked up again, David was walking over towards them. Marty watched Patrick’s grin broaden as he did so. 

‘Hey.’ David said, his lopsided smile accompanied by a half frown. ‘My Dad said since you were staring at me I should just come over and say hello.’ Patrick laughed at David’s usual command of directness. ‘I’m David Rose.’ he said to Marty, ‘We didn’t really get to meet earlier.’

‘Marty.’ 

‘Oh the skeleton guy!’ David grinned. Patrick looked sheepish. 

‘I might have told him that story on Thanksgiving.’ Patrick said ‘Sorry.’

‘I still haven’t seen that movie.’

‘Jesus Marty you’re a 26 year old High School teacher, stream the thing!’ Patrick rolled his eyes. David smiled at the easy way Patrick had with his cousin. 

‘I will.’ Marty said, then added with a smirk at David ‘Though I’m currently more interested in the end of the story you were just telling me. Given you’ve been telling tales about me.’

‘What story is this?’ David looped an arm across Patrick’s shoulder leaning in what looked to Marty like a familiar, well worn gesture in the way Patrick both barely registered it, but also leaned into it in a way he probably didn’t realise. His cousin rolled his eyes. 

‘The story of our first date.’ he said, embarrassed now. 

‘And where did we get to in that tale?’ David asked arching an eyebrow. 

‘The drive home.’ Patrick said with mock terseness. He didn't’ have to look over at David to see the glee on his face. 

‘The best part!’ he exclaimed. ‘Go on then!’ Marty noted the half smirk Patrick’s boyfriend had. Something in the challenging tone also felt well-worn but affectionate. Dutifully Patrick rolled his eyes. 

‘So I drove him home. Even though it’s less than a five minute drive.’ 

‘And for those five minutes agonised over kissing him.’ Marty interjected. 

David did that smile again. ‘I like him.’ he said to Patrick who couldn’t help but smile. 

‘Who is telling this story?’ Patrick asked. 

‘You do it so well dear.’ David patted at Patrick’s shoulder. 

‘So we pulled up at David’s place.’ David squeezed Patrick’s shoulders silently appreciating him not telling his family they lived at a Motel. He wasn’t ashamed, not any more, but he didn’t need the looks from people either. ‘And he told me he had a fun evening.’

‘Which I did.’ David interjected. 

‘And I told him I was glad I’d decided to invest in his business.’ 

‘Which you were.’ David added. 

‘And you expressed your gratitude for how much I’d helped you.’ Patrick said sarcastically ‘Oh no wait you didn’t do that.’ 

‘No but I did kiss you.’ He said triumphantly looking at Patrick then Marty, who was grinning watching their back and forth. 

‘Yeah, you did do that.’ Patrick said looking up at him fondly. Marty smiled into his drink. They really were incredibly happy together that much was plain to see. He saw Patrick take a breath. ‘Then I told him he was the first guy I’d done that with.’ Marty nodded slowly at him, they hadn’t talked about any of it, but he was glad his cousin felt comfortable filling him in. He saw David squeezing Patrick’s shoulders, resting his hands there once again.

Suddenly something caught David’s attention. He kissed Patrick’s cheek. ‘Bat signal from Stevie she needs rescuing from...well that dude.’ Patrick and Marty looked up. 

‘Oh very much rescue her from him.’ Marty said, making a face. ‘And fast.’ 

David nodded, making his way across the hall with impressive speed to slide in next to Stevie and intercept the middle aged man who had drunk far too much wine already. They watched him expertly extract Stevie and herd her back over to Alexis in a corner. 

‘I didn’t know.’ Patrick said, watching his boyfriend with a smile, ‘I mean I knew something wasn’t right but I didn’t know what right was until him.’ he looked over at Marty ‘I was never trying to hide it, me him...whatever.’ They lapsed into silence for a moment, surveying the room. Until Marty shifted next to him. He was fidgeting with his beer bottle. 

‘Hey, you’re staying a few days right?’ Marty said, he was fidgeting with his beer bottle, pulling at the label. 

‘Yeah why?’ Patrick asked, glancing over at him. 

‘Do you want to grab a drink with me and my boyfriend? I’d like you to meet him.’

Patrick put an arm around his cousin, and pulled him in for a half hug, awkward, but heartfelt. ‘I’d love to.’ he said with a smile. Marty pulled back and nodded at him.

‘Good. Good.’ he said with a smile. Patrick smiled back. Marty’s Dad came striding over to them at that point, and Marty stood up straight, leaning off the table. 

‘Marty go and help your Mom serve the cakes yeah?’ Phillip said, Marty nodded and shuffled off. 

There was a moment of silence as Marty scuttled off across the room. Patrick sipped his beer and waited. It seemed Phillip had something to say to him. He was a fairly imposing man, a contractor, used to being in charge at work. And if Patrick was honest, in his family. There wasn’t any malice in him, but he took the Brewer confidence to a new level of assertiveness. A big guy, tall like Patrick’s Dad, but heavier set, he often made Patrick feel like a little kid standing next to him. 

‘Marty tell you about work? He’s been there a year now.’ Phillip started with. 

‘Yeah, he seems really good at it. And he loves it.’ Patrick said, taking a swig of his beer. 

‘Guess he is.’ Phillip said ‘Hell of a waste of an education though. Think what he could be doing.’

Patrick shrugged, ‘He’s happy. He’s helping people. Seems a good use of an education to me.’ he looked down ‘Anyway it’s his choice I guess.’ he didn’t want to get in between whatever they had going on. 

‘Just seems bright guys like you shouldn’t be wasting their talents.’ 

Patrick bristled, ‘I’m happy too Uncle Phillip. Nothing I’d rather be doing.’ 

Phillip stepped in front of him so he was looking down on him. ‘Look I know right now you’ve got these romantic ideas about small town life and your little Store, but come on, really how long can that last? Is that all you want to do with all your brains? You could be-’

‘I could be doing something that makes me happy.’ Patrick interrupted him ‘Which is what I’m doing.’ 

‘Patrick I’m just trying to help. I’ve got business contacts, I could help you out.’

Patrick slammed his beer down, harder than he intended. ‘I don’t need help thanks.’

Phillip put a hand on his shoulder, ‘Look son, if it meant you could come back home again- bring David with you if that’s what you want- but think about it.’

Patrick fixed him with an even stare. ‘I have a home. I have a job- a business that I set up, and I’m really proud of.’ he said carefully keeping his tone even ‘I appreciate the sentiment but I’m fine.’ he pushed himself off the table ‘Excuse me.’ he said firmly pushing past his Uncle. 

He stormed off, whatever it was he didn’t have time for it right now. He had a vague notion of finding his Mom and asking, more likely finding David and having someone on his side for a second. Instead, because that’s just how life was, of course he was halted by yet another voice.

‘Patrick.’ her voice froze him in his tracks. Rachel. His shoulders sagged involuntarily and he turned around. ‘Hey.’ she said ‘Look we’re leaving but I thought I should at least say hello, and I’m sorry.’ she paused ‘About your Dad.’ she added, just in case it needed clarifying. 

He rolled his eyes. Not so much rolled them as looked up at the ceiling, the sky, whatever for help. 

‘Hey don’t get defensive.’ she snapped. 

‘I didn’t speak!’ he responded. Falling too easily into well worn argument patterns. She wasn’t a bad person, he wasn’t- most of the time he told himself- but they knew how to push each other’s buttons, based on well practiced arguing. 

‘I thought I’d be polite.’ she said tersely. 

‘I didn’t know you were coming.’ he said. ‘You could have called. Sent a text.’

She folded her arms, ‘I thought that would break the ‘don’t ever call or text me again.’ rule that you put down.’ 

He rested his hands on his hips and looked down, he had said that. Yelled it more accurately. They’d resolved most of their stuff that day in the Motel, but he’d been angry, at her for barging into his new life, and at himself for making it so she had to. Not speaking had seemed the best option for everyone. 

‘I feel like we could have had a Dead Dad truce.’ he muttered. 

‘I didn’t want to break the rules.’ she said a little too bitchily, she reached out and touched his arm. Closing her eyes against the rush of familiarity at the gesture, the one she’d always used to get his attention when they were fighting. At arm's length. She could laugh at the irony of that now. Almost. 

‘I am sorry.’ She said tears in her eyes ‘Patrick for almost half our lives I knew your Dad. I came to your house for dinners and holidays and god knows what else for a decade.’ 

He exhaled. She was right. Rachel had always been close with his Mom, something he’d had to accept continued even in his absence. It was fine, they were...fine. It wasn’t like they talked, she’d made it quite clear, and rightly so, she was done with him after she left town. And despite not wanting any hostility between them, he was more than happy to leave them at a reluctant truce. 

‘He always really liked you.’ Patrick said, kindly and honestly, ‘He’d have wanted you here. And my Mom does.’

She looked down. ‘But you don’t.’

‘Rachel I don’t care!’ it came out harsher than he expected, or intended. But it was also true. He was happy she was here for the sake of his Mom, for the sake of what his Dad would have wanted. He honestly didn’t mind her being there, but he couldn’t pretend he wanted it either. 

‘Right. Fine.’ she said, going to move away. ‘You’ve got your new life now. I get it.’

‘Yes! I do!’ she spun back at him, giving him the look she always did when he was shouting. One she’d given him too often. He caught himself realising he hadn’t raised his voice, not really, in longer than he could remember. ‘I can’t help who I am!’ he exclaimed. Shocking himself at the honesty of it, into silence. 

‘I only asked you not to lie to me!’ she equally was shocked at what she’d said. They’d had it out, that day in the Motel, they’d said all the hurtful things and then apologised. But it was still unresolved, it would probably always be. ‘I don’t care who you are, what you are, who you love now, Patrick I just didn’t want to be the one used until you got there.’ she bit her lip. This wasn’t the time but apparently it was. 

‘Do you think I wanted any of that?’ he said, ‘For either of us? Do you think it was fun for me?’ 

‘You seemed to be having fun by the time I found you!’ 

‘Then why did you come looking?’

‘Because I still fucking loved you.’ she said her voice that dangerous kind of calm that stopped him in his tracks. ‘I’m going to go. I’m sorry about your Dad. Really, he was a good man.’ she went to leave. 

‘Rach wait.’ he grabbed her arm. ‘I’m sorry. It’s been a long day. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here, if I’m doing it right. Apparently I’m doing it all wrong.’ he exhaled ‘Can we please not make this about us?’ 

‘It is about us because I’m part of this!’ she gestured at the room. Tears were in her eyes now. 

‘You are, yes! But in the same way Joe, or the golf guys, or the random people I keep having to talk to are, we all are but you aren’t-’ he stopped himself. 

‘Say it.’ she said, wiping her eyes. 

He sighed. It was cruel, he knew. But it was also true, and maybe they needed to say this. ‘Because you aren’t family.’ he said as gently as he could ‘Not any more. I’m sorry.’ he looked down. But she reached over and took his hand.

‘Thank you.’ she said. ‘For being honest with us both.’ 

He nodded, finally looking at her. ‘I’m still glad you came. For him. For Mom.’

She nodded again. ‘Your speech was beautiful.’ she said squeezing his hand, ‘I’m happy you’re happy.’ 

‘Thank you.’ he said, looking at her again now ‘I hope you are too.’ he meant it. As much as they’d both hurt each other, he didn’t wish her any ill. It was better than nothing, better than it had been but he couldn’t take any more of it. Rachel and him would always cut a little too close to the bone. But he also knew she understood when he held her gaze for just a second then brushed past her and away. They had that tie they always would, but it was also done, really done now. 

Of course across the room, David had seen the whole thing. This time with Stevie at his side. As Parick broke away from Rachel and made his way across the room he wordlessly handed his drink to Stevie and went after him. Halfway across the room he collided with Rachel, so focused he’d been on following Patrick he didn’t look where he was going. 

‘Sorry. Oh.’ she said, pulling back. 

‘Sorry.’ he said, he went to continue but she put a hand on his arm. 

‘David.’ she said, ‘I’m sorry. I was never trying to hurt either of you.’ 

He looked at her, and nodded. He’d never really blamed her. He understood what it was to be hurt, abandoned, confused by a relationship, often all at the same time. 

‘I know.’ he said with a half smile, ‘Thanks though.’ 

She nodded and let him go. He took a few more steps before pausing. Giving himself a chance to collect himself before pursuing his boyfriend. 

Patrick pushed past the few people gathered at the doorway and onto the small stage space, he remembered the backstage area had a small dressing room. It seemed as good a place as any to hide out. He couldn’t tell if he wanted to cry, punch something or just sit in silence for the rest of the days. He just knew he couldn’t be in a room full of people again. 

It wasn’t David’s fault. It wasn’t Rachel’s fault. It was all resolved now really, except in his head it turned out. There was this mess of guilt still there. The sense of if he hadn’t messed things up with Rachel maybe he’d have told his parents sooner. Maybe he’d have come home sooner if he wasn’t avoiding her. Maybe so many things. He threw himself down on an old trunk and put his head in his hands. This had all been going so well. He’d managed to coast through the day, without breaking down, without making a mess of it. Then from nowhere Uncle Phillip and Rachel had fucked it all up. And he was close to losing it. Possibly at the next polite conversation he was forced to have. So he was better off hiding. 

He jumped when the door creaked open. And of course it was David. 

‘Just...give me a minute.’ Patrick snapped. ‘Stop following me around.’ 

‘Whoa. Um. Hello.’ David put his hands up. ‘I see you speak to your ex-fiance, then storm off to the back of the room, excuse me for thinking I should come after you.’

‘Don’t worry I’m not getting back together with her.’ Patrick spat, then immediately regretted it. ‘Fuck David I’m sorry.’ he put his head in his hands again. ‘Please don’t let me fuck this up as well.’ 

David folded his arms, not daring to cross the room just yet, he leaned on the doorframe. ‘As well as what?’

‘This, all this.’ He gestured in a way that in another time would have made David laugh in its similarity to his own flailing gestures. 

‘I think you’re doing great.’ he gave it a beat. ‘What’s this about, you were doing fine? Is it about Rachel?’ 

‘Fuck! No David ok?’ He stood up and paced a bit, feeling trapped by David’s gaze. ‘And apparently no, I’m not doing ok, but you wouldn’t know because it’s not like anything like this has ever been your responsibility has it? he was being irrational and horrible, he realised. But he also couldn’t stop. 

‘No. But I’m doing my best to support someone I love through it, which isn’t exactly easy either.’ David snapped back ‘And yeah I was mildly interested to see him talking to his ex-secret-ex finance because I’m human ok? I get why she’s here but I don’t have to like it.’ He was being unfair he knew. But it also had hurt seeing them talking, however irrationally. And now Patrick was snapping at him, and he had no clue how to respond. So he fell on the defensive. ‘So look if you’d like me and my whole family to go, so you can better handle it with her or whoever fine!’ 

‘Don’t be so ridiculous! I had one conversation!’ 

‘Don’t be so defensive then!’ David folded his arms. ‘I don’t know what you need.’ he shrugged helplessly. ‘I just want to give you what you need.’ 

Patrick looked up finally. He nodded slowly. The thought didn’t so much dawn on him as instinct took over. A way to tell David he was giving him what he needed but also a way to silence his mind as much as David’s for a second at least. Before either of them said something they’d regret. He got up and crossed the few steps to him and pulled him into a deep kiss. They hadn’t properly kissed in days and he felt David return it easily. The need for each other built up over those days and the pent up emotion spilling over. He felt David grip at his back, pulling him in closer, as he grabbed at his waist and held onto him tightly. Patrick didn’t let David come up for air before he was pulling at his shirt desperately trying to untuck it from his pants, and failing miserably in his haste. 

David was confused. They’d gone from sniping at each other to a much needed kiss. But now Patrick was pushing at him, grabbing a bit too hard. He leaned into it for a moment, thinking a bit of frantic making out was ironically the chance to calm down a bit more. Until he felt Patrick finally get a hold on his pants and move to undo them. 

‘We shouldn’t I mean everyone’s downstairs and-’ he was cut off by Patrick slamming him into the door and grabbing at his suit. He gave in again, he needed this to a degree too, having missed his boyfriend, having pent up his own share of emotion. And clearly Patrick needed this, iis kisses were hard and hungry, and David struggled to keep up. ‘Ow!’ he exclaimed as Patrick slammed him into a doorknob, his pulling at his clothes getting more and more frantic, he struggled with David’s shirt buttons even more frantically. 

‘Fuck!’ he exclaimed pushing back. 

‘Hey. Hey.’ David pushed back. ‘Why don’t we slow down here.’

‘No.’ Patrick said with uncharacteristic venom, an edge David didn’t think he’d heard before. He pushed back into David kissing him frantically, managing to get a hand into his pants, but at an angle at which managed to elicit another uninolventary ‘Ow!’ from David. 

‘David come on.’ Patrick growled ‘Just give me…’ he kissed him again pushing him hard against the door. 

David was torn between giving him what he wanted, and the fact he felt incredibly uncomfortable with this. He’d seen self-sabotaging sex, he’d done it enough times, and more than that Patrick was becoming increasingly frantic, maniac even. It didn’t feel right. Given what had happened at home before Patrick left, given everything, he couldn’t let him do any more damage to himself, even in the name of brief respite. He gently but firmly placed his hands over Patrick’s and pushed himself back a bit stilling them. 

Patrick lifted his gaze, out of breath, and glared at him. 

‘Why don’t we just put this on pause a second yeah?’ David said, fearing this was going to explode in his face. He was right. 

‘Can’t you give me one thing?!’ Patrick exclaimed, pushing back off him, hard and into the door. He clocked David wincing in pain, but he hid it well. ‘I’m asking you for one thing here David!’ he grabbed him again and pulled him into a rough, hard kiss. David pushed him back again. Holding him by his shoulders, with just enough force to still him for a moment. 

‘And I’m trying to help you!’ David said. ‘That’s all I’ve been doing, you know that!’ 

‘Then fucking help me and fuck me!’ Patrick said pushing him back against the wall, kissing him hard- too hard he knew. Grabbing at his shirt again. Catching himself with how loud he’d shouted. He pulled back leaning against David, who attempted what would have been a soothing gesture reaching for his back had Patrick not batted him off, his body still overriding his mind as he reached for him trying to pull him in again, and work a hand into David’s pants, under his shirt, anywhere. Then gently pushing him back. Patrick couldn’t look at him. 

‘Not like this.’ David said, tucking his shirt back in and adjusting his jacket, ‘I’m not letting you go down that route.’

‘I’m a fucking adult David.’ Patrick spat at him. 

‘Then act like one not a teenager.’ David bit his lip, immediately regretting it. 

‘Yeah well, when your boyfriend asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex, you say yes.’ he pushed past David with surprising force, shoving him off balance and into the door again as he headed out into the corridor. David was quick to recover and grabbed his elbow, kissing him fiercely. Patrick shoved him off again 

‘Talk to me!’ David called after him, ‘Please!’ 

Patrick was off and almost literally running now down the stairs and through the hall, the crowd had very much thinned now and the Roses and Stevie turned and watched him go. Then saw David running after him. 

‘Come on please just-’

‘David just stop!’ Patrick shouted, ‘Just...leave me be!’ he stormed out of the back door of the hall. Luckily the room was loud enough nobody noticed but the Roses, he didn’t really know where he thought he was going in the small community garden that surrounded the hall. But he threw himself down on the small wall that bordered the flower patch at the back. 

‘I-but-’ David moved to follow after him. 

‘Let me go’ Johnny said, catching up to David in the doorway. Placing an arm on David’s. He went to protest but Moira looped her arm through his and held him gently still. He nodded at his Dad and watched him go, while his Mom held on tightly to him. 

Johnny approached the low wall at the back of the garden where Patrick was sitting. He didn’t look up as he approached. ‘I thought you might appreciate this’ he said holding out a glass of whiskey. Patrick looked up then and nodded a thanks. ‘May I?’ Johnny gestured at the wall. 

Patrick shrugged. Taking a sip of the drink and wincing slightly. He forgot that Johnny drank it neat and assumed everyone else did too. ‘Thanks’ he managed. ‘Sorry, for...you know.’

‘I think you get a pass today.’ Johnny said kindly. 

‘I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.’ Patrick sighed, taking another sip. ‘My Mom doesn’t need me today, not really, she’s got Karen and I feel like I should be taking charge but I also feel…’ he rolled his eyes. 

‘Like a kid again?’ Johnny asked. Patrick looked at him and nodded. ‘David...or anyone else for that matter can’t quite understand. It’s like this club. And you only know when you’re in it.’

‘It’s a pretty awful club.’ Patrick said staring off into the garden. 

‘I was 19 when my Dad died.’ Johnny said. ‘That was cancer too. Though back then we didn’t really know much about it. Just he got sick, then he got sicker and then...well. It was quick, at least. I spent the day feeling like I was five years old again.’ 

Patrick nodded. ‘I feel so useless.’ he sighed. ‘My Mom she did everything on her own. And I should have been here. Not just now for this, but for all of it.’

‘Only child guilt’ Johnny said clinking his glass against Patrick’s ‘I know it well.’ 

Patrick stared out at the garden for a long time. ‘It gets worse right.’ he said ‘I mean, when you’ve only got one parent left.’

Johnny looked over at Patrick, who was pale and tired looking already. He wished he could lie to him. ‘It does.’ he says. ‘It’s all on you. I don’t know if it’s just when your Mom is um, left last, but that was my experience and um, well even every picture I wasn’t there to hang...filled me with guilt.’ Johnny took a drink ‘I’m sorry Patrick I shouldn’t be saying all this. Not today.’

‘No. No it’s good it’s...what I’m afraid of.’ Patrick took a drink too. ‘Is that terrible? That right now I’m worried about that?’

Johnny shook his head. ‘It’s something someone like David can’t understand.’ he said ‘He’ll always have Alexis to help him with this stuff. It’s all on you.’ 

‘He thinks I’m shutting him out.’ Patrick confessed. ‘Maybe I am.’ 

‘I did.’ Johnny said, ‘Not when my Dad died, I hadn’t met Moria then. But when my Mom did. But she was there when I needed her.’ he paused taking a slow sip, ‘and even though he’ll always have Alexis I’m glad he’s, well you know.’

Patrick nodded. ‘He does. He does.’ he was quiet for a long time, staring off into the garden. Something about Johnny’s comfortable presence made him want to say what had been weighing on his mind. ‘I just wish I’d had some warning, that I’d known the last time we talked was...the last time.’ 

‘What was the last thing you and your Dad talked about?’ Johnny asked gently. 

Patrick smiled ‘Baseball.’ he said remembering, ‘On-’the word caught in his throat ‘Tuesday. We talked about baseball.’ tears started to fall.

‘Now I don’t know.’ Johnny said, ‘But if I had to choose, I’d much prefer my last talk with David to be about baseball than some big goodbye scene.’

Patrick’s tears were coming thick and fast now but he still managed to choke out ‘Good luck getting David to talk about baseball.’

Johnny reached an arm around him, ‘Well maybe that’s what I’ve got you for now.’ 

Patrick’s tears turned into sobs then, and he twisted to embrace Johnny, who wrapped his arms around him and held on. 

David stood watching from the window, trying to look like he wasn’t. He sensed his Mom next to him before he saw her.

‘I should be out there letting him fall apart on me.’ David said, more bitterly than he intended. He felt his Mom’s arm around his waist. 

‘Oh David.’ she said, ‘That’s him holding it together.’

‘How?!’ David said, then lowered his voice. ‘How is sobbing on Dad in the garden holding it together?’

They looked up and watched Patrick wipe his eyes, stand up, offering Johnny a hand up from the low wall, and start walking down towards the house. 

‘This is like turning a valve to release some pressure.’ Moria nodded to where they were walking down the path. 

‘Then release some pressure with me.’ David whined ‘Ew. Not like that sounded.’ he huffed ‘But what is the point if I can’t help him.’

‘You can’t dear. Not yet.’ Moira patted his arm gently. ‘Well you are, you’re doing admirably. But you need to wait this out with him.’ 

‘Why?’ David was being petulant and he knew it. But he also knew he was also trying desperately to hold it together. David folded his arms and shot a look at his Mom. ‘I just want to help.’

‘Then hold him together until he’s ready.’ she said looping an arm through her son’s and resting her head on his shoulder. ‘Because he knows, once he falls apart with you they’ll be no putting it back together.’ Moira said, ‘You’re the only one he can let see that.’

David opened his mouth to protest but it suddenly fell into place. Patrick needed control; he knew that. He needed to fix things. He was helpless in this so he was clinging onto every last ounce of it he could. 

‘Only children.’ Moira said nodding towards Johnny and Patrick. ‘They experience it differently too. We’ll always have our siblings, however aw-ful in my case.’ she leaned into him. 

‘So what do I do?’ David asked his voice high and desperate now. 

‘You wait it out.’ Moria said. ‘When your Grandmother died, your Dad didn’t even cry for a month. Then one day, he couldn’t get out of bed. It hit him all at once from nowhere. Remember our trip to Paris your senior year?’

David hummed in agreement. 

‘We didn’t leave the hotel room. His business deal fell through. We were three days late coming back. It was all I could do to get him on a plane.’

David had no idea, watching Patrick and his Dad walk slowly down the path, chatting easily now, clearly having changed the subject. 

He leaned his head on his Mom’s ‘What did you do?’

‘I was just there.’ she said. ‘It's all you can do, when someone you love is grieving. One day he’ll do it for you too.’ she added. David breathed in sharply, and felt her reach an arm around him. ‘Don’t worry dear, plenty of life in the old dogs yet.’ 

‘Hmm’ he replied as Patrick and his Dad arrived back in the room. Moira extracted herself with the excuse of sourcing a fresh drink for John. David stood in his corner looking down at the floor until he sensed Patrick next to him. 

‘Hey.’ Patrick said softly. 

‘Hi.’ David replied looking up sideways. 

‘That was nice, of your Dad to...um.’ he shrugged. 

‘Yeah. Yeah he’s um…’ David nodded, he felt Patrick’s arm come tentatively to his waist and he looked over and opened up an arm pulling him in, kissing the top of his head. ‘I’m sorry.’ David said. 

‘Me too.’ Patrick sighed ‘Though I wish everyone would stop saying that today.’ he let himself be held a couple of seconds longer before leaning back, hand still on David’s back. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing...how to do any of this I…’ he shrugged

‘I know.’ David said with a sad smile. ‘I know.’ he pulled him into a hug again. ‘But I’m here.’ 

Patrick surveyed the hall, ‘I think it might be time to start clearing up.’ Almost everyone except the family had gone now, and his Mom had already invited all of them back to the house. David nodded, letting him peel off and find his Mom. 

A short while later, Johnny was sitting back on the wall when David wandered outside. He’d felt like he was in the way inside, and honestly he needed a break from both small talk and Alexis making sure he was ok. His Dad at least could be relied on for either talking at him in a soothing manner about nothing, or letting him talk. Today he clearly was going for the latter because he didn’t speak when David sat down. For a good few minutes they watched the squirrel in the far corner of the garden. Laughing together when it dropped the piece of food it was trying in vain to drag up the trunk. 

‘Thank you. For whatever you said to him’ David said at last, ‘I fucked it up.’

‘What happened?’ 

David chuckled. ‘You don’t need to know.’ his Dad shot him a look, and David rolled his eyes, ‘More what he wanted to happen back in the dressing room, and I believe it or not said no.’ he looked sideways ‘Is that enough of a word-picture?’ it took a second and then his Dad’s right eyebrow made its way up to show he understood. ‘Anyway I’m just fucking it up.’ David added. ‘I don’t know what he needs from me.’

‘He just needs you.’ Johnny said patiently. 

David rolled his eyes, everyone kept saying that, but whatever he did wasn’t enough. He wasn’t good enough for this. He wasn’t nice enough for this. He was getting caught up in his feelings, his sadness and frustration and he was pretty sure that made him a terrible boyfriend, and a terrible person. He wiped at his eyes, tears there proof he was just being self centred. ‘See.’ he said ‘who cries when it’s not even their Dad’s funeral.’

‘Someone who cares that someone he loves is in pain.’ his Dad said. Which set him off again. His Dad let him cry for a moment. He didn’t say anything, they just sat and watched the squirrel again while David sniffed and wiped his eyes. Eventually Johnny spoke again. ‘David I’m going to tell you what I told Patrick, and that is; you can’t understand what he’s going through’ he sensed David going to interrupt and put a hand on his leg, ‘You can’t understand until it happens. I understand, because I’ve been through it. Your Mom understands. Even Stevie though I know she doesn’t like to talk about.’ 

David nodded listening now. He got it, he did. It was just so frustrating. To be so helpless. 

‘And also it’s different for him. He’s on his own. He doesn't have an Alexis to be there and share it.’

‘Because Alexis is so good in a crisis.’ David rolled his eyes, immediately regretting his bitchiness ‘But yeah I guess she’d be the only one who understood in the same way...Dad do we have to think about this right now. Mom’s already threatened me with dying...I don’t want to think about-’

‘You should.’ Johnny said seriously. ‘We aren’t going to be around forever.’ he paused leaning in ‘However immortal your Mother might think she is.’ 

David nodded again. It was something he’d long pushed away, his parents were a bit older than the other kids his age had been, he’d always been conscious of that. And as he’d got older he’d worried about the future, whether it was when he was single handedly rescuing Alexis, or since they’d moved and he wondered what the long term future would be. ‘It’s not so dissimilar, being the oldest one.’ he said thoughtfully. 

‘No, I guess not.’ Johnny mused. He was aware of the amount of responsibility that had rested on David as a big brother when he and Moira had been less than attentive parents. On cue Moira appeared in the garden and made her way, somewhat unsteadily on her heels, towards them. David reached up a hand as she lowered herself to the wall. 

‘Well this is a charming little gar-den.’ she mused, ‘The girls are getting coats and helping Mrs Brewer pack up the cakes. Patrick I think is saying goodbye to some friends.’ David nodded, taking his Mom’s arm, looping it around his. ‘So what are we chattering about gentleman? And may I say how handsome both my boys are looking today?’

‘Mom.’ David said, ‘Not sure you’re supposed to compliment funeral fashion’ 

‘A statement is a statement.’ she said. ‘Anyway, what did I interrupt you look terribly serious.’

‘Again Mom, funeral. Serious is kind of the mood.’ She patted his arm, David looked at his Dad who shrugged, ‘We were talking about losing parents...Dad thinks I should be preparing a plan or something I don’t know.’

‘I just said it pays to be prepared. Look I’m serious, David, Moira we haven’t even updated our wills since everything changed. And the kids should be aware of what we want….when the time comes.’ 

‘As long as there’s a buffet at the wake your Father will be happy.’ Moira said with a smile. David smiled at her too. 

‘He might haunt us if there’s no egg salad sandwiches.’ David quipped 

‘Can you imagine, we’ll be waking up in the night to a vision of him demanding them.’ 

‘In his nightshirt.’ David giggled. 

‘Alright fine, I’m trying to have a serious conversation here!’ Johnny exclaimed exasperated. 

Moira leaned across David to pat her husband's hand gently. She knew he was, and how he still worried about the kids without them. She had a suspicion they’d be just fine now. Not that it was a thought she was quite ready to entertain. 

‘Well….’ David said, ‘What do I need to know?’ if they were going to do it they might as well do it now.

Johnny and Moira exchanged a glance, they’d talked about various things over the years, but even for them it had been a while. 

‘Your father always wanted us to be buried near each other, next to ideally.’ Moira started. She stared off into the distance again for a second, her face serious, ‘Ideally you won’t have to wait long in between.’

‘Mom!’ David said softly, taking her hand. 

‘I’m sorry darling but it’s just, we’ve barely spent any time apart in forty years, I’m not keen to start on a more permanent basis.’ David buried his head in her shoulder for a minute and she leaned on him. Neither of us minds where...just wherever we’ve all ended up. Close enough for you to visit.’ she sat up again ‘We don’t want your father’s ghost having far to go to haunt us do we?’

David smiled. A little dark humour and dramatics could be relied upon from his Mother. 

‘Do you want like...a wake? A party? Me and Alexis in black for a year like Victorian widows?’

It was Johnny’s turn to look wistful. ‘You know, I always assumed it would be a big stuffy affair, you know like Grandpa Rose’s was?’

David remembered vividly, as a kid how long that seemed to drag out for. He nodded. 

‘But instead, this seems perfect.’ he said gesturing at the hall. ‘Just gather round whoever wants to come, have some food and drinks, I’d be happy with that.’

‘I rather like the idea of what Marcy is doing next too.’ Moira said ‘having the nearest and dearest over.’

‘It’s a bit like Shiva I guess?’ David added ‘Not to get too religious about it? You know we all hang out, remember you...tell the most embarrassing stories, eat a lot...very Jewish.’

‘Very Catholic too.’ Moira added. 

‘Well that’s settled then.’ Johnny said. ‘Bury us together- I mean make sure we’re both dead first obviously.’ Moria swatted him across David. ‘Then have a casual party, make sure there’s a decent buffet’ David laughed. ‘Then have family over, you and Patrick and whoever else- Stevie obviously- and whoever you’d consider family at that point.’ 

David nodded slowly ‘Even Roland?’ 

‘Especially Roland.’ Johnny laughed, ‘He can even do a toast.’

‘Careful John, he’ll bump you off just to do that.’ Moira said dryly ‘But make sure wherever we are, Roland and Jocelyn know. That they come. They’ve been better to us than any other friends we’ve had.’ Johnny reached around David and pulled both of them in and David felt hot tears fall again. He hadn’t realised when he was younger how much he’d missed his parents. And as much as they drove him crazy on a sometimes daily basis, the idea of being without them now was something the couldn’t begin to think about. 

David looked over into the garden. He could see Patrick coming out of the hall now carrying some trays, Alexis and Stevie with him. He looked over at his Dad ‘You really think Patrick and I will be...that’s he’s family, you know long term?’

Johnny smiled a kind genuine smile. ‘You know he is.’ he said. David held his gaze and nodded. 

‘Look at where you are David.’ Moria said, ‘I don’t mean this charming garden...you held his hand through his father’s funeral. His Mom invited your whole family to be part of hers today. He’s in it for the long haul, and so are you.’ she squeezed his arm, ‘And I couldn’t be happier.’ 

David felt tears prick at his eyes. But was rescued by Alexis waving at them. 

‘Time to go again.’ Johnny said, pulling himself up and offering a hand to his wife. He gave her a quick kiss. ‘I love you sweetheart.’ he said taking her hand. 

David pulled himself up as well. Just as they were turning to walk down the path he stopped. ‘Um, Mom? Dad?’ he fussed with his suit dusting off imperceptible dust. His Dad raised an eyebrow in question.

‘I love you.’ David said with a smile. His Dad took a step back first and embraced him. Then he felt his Mom at his side and he lifted an arm to pull her in. He couldn’t remember a time all three of them had hugged like this. His Dad tightened his grip. ‘I love you son.’ he said quietly. His Mom leaned on them ‘I love you both.’ she said as they pulled apart and Johnny took her hand again. As they pulled the first thing they saw was Patrick standing on the path. 

‘Sorry.’ he said ‘I came to say we were going.’ he quirked a little smile at David telling him he’d heard his barely uttered declaration of love for his parents. David couldn’t contain the half smile back. ‘Space in Karen’s car if you want?’ he said. David nodded, and then nodded at his parents before following Patrick down the path. 

‘So that’s three then?’ Patrick asked with a smirk. David looped an arm over his shoulders. 

‘You broke a dam.’ he said ‘there’s no going back now. I’ll be saying it to everyone next.’ 

Patrick stopped in his tracks and looked up at David. ‘I love you.’ he said, his big brown eyes gentle and full of the same sentiment. 

‘I know.’ David said with a smile ‘I love you too.’ he said gently, before they fell back into step towards the car. He could feel his parents eyes on his back, and saw them walking steadily hand in hand behind him and he looked back and smiled. 

Fifteen Years Later 

‘He’d be so mad if we’re late to the Wake.’ Alexis said approaching her brother and wrapping herself around his waist. He wrapped an arm around her too. 

‘Even madder if all the egg salad sandwiches are gone first.’ Stevie added, giving Patrick a hug. 

‘You ok?’ he said softly to her. She sniffed and wiped her eyes. Barely holding it together, she couldn’t quite take Patrick’s kindness. So she nodded and looked to the floor. 

‘Do we need to go?’ Alexis asked David and Patrick. 

‘If we’re going to have time to…’ Patrick trailed off. 

‘Burgers?’ Stevie asked. 

‘Burgers.’ David confirmed with a grin. ‘Come on it’s what Dad would want.’ he smiled looking over at where they’d buried him. ‘Besides, it’s tradition.’ 

Patrick nodded at him, with a little smile. Every funeral the four of them had been to, and in the last fifteen years they’d sadly racked up a few between them, they’d done the same thing. Snuck off for a burger between the service and the wake. Whenever Johnny had been with them he’d insisted too. A tradition since Patrick’s Dad’s funeral. And in recent years, a strange way to catch up with each other too, away from the crowds of family or whoever. It had become their own private ritual too. After Moira’s funeral, they’d ordered black coffee and set it on the table for her. Patrick wondered in amusement how big an extra meal they’d be getting for Johnny and whether they’d have to give ‘him’ half their meals to finish as they had in life. He smiled fondly thinking of it. David looked at him, and he didn’t need to say out loud that he was just thinking about his Dad. Their Dad really. 

‘Ok then.’ Alexis said, offering an arm to Stevie, who took it gladly. 

‘Uh, one more thing.’ Patrick said, just as they began to walk off. David threw him a questioning glance. ‘David, you and your Dad said Kaddish for my Dad after his funeral. And I know the Rabbi said it for real over there, but I thought maybe we could…’ he shrugged, worried it was a stupid idea. 

David took two steps back towards him, and held out his hands, which Patrick took. ‘This one is the real one.’ he said with a sad smile, nodding at Patrick. He raised his hands skywards ‘No correcting my Hebrew Dad ok?’

Patrick’s face crumpled and he heard Stevie stifle a sob behind him. He nodded at David and they bowed their heads. He had indeed learned the prayer for his Dad, and he’d said it often since, finding comfort in the ritual of it, as well as the words once he’d learned what they meant. So as they prayed he asked God or whatever was out there for peace for all of them- for his Dad, and Johnny, and those of them left behind. The final part, about peace upon them, always stuck with him. It was all you could hope for he figured in life and death. He squeezed David’s hands as they got to the final line. And felt hot tears down his face again as he heard Alexis reciting it with them softly, and Stevie join in on the Amen. He opened his eyes slowly, looking his husband in the eye again. Both of their faces streaked with tears. Silently the four of them turned back to where Johnny was buried, next to his wife. Offering him one final fond farewell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Johnny Rose has a strong commitment to egg salad sandwiches, and indeed all buffets. But writing about his funeral broke me a bit. 
> 
> I hope the rest captures the messy, exhausting emotions of 'working the room.' And that neither Rachel or Patrick are bad people but when emotions are raw messy things get said. 
> 
> Oh and may you all have a cousin Marty to save the day with beer.


	7. I know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the funeral, the family gathers at home and as is traditional secrets come out and tears are shed. And David washes dishes.

Fifteen Years Later. 

Their bedroom was still half dark, he put the tea down on the bedside table, then opened the curtains. The light coming in- as feeble as the early morning winter sun was, elicited a groan from his husband. Even though he was clearly already awake. 

‘It’s Saturday.’ he moaned from the bed ‘It’s too early.’

Patrick’s chest ached at the normality of it all. Of what he was about to shatter. He contemplated waiting. They had no reason to speak to anyone for hours. They could exist in a bubble where David didn’t know. Have a normal Saturday. Have breakfast, curl up on the sofa, go out for lunch. Every normal boring thing they’d planned that was now over. He knew it wasn’t possible before he even thought about it. He couldn’t do that. David would never forgive him. As much as he might want it too once he knew. 

‘I know.’ Patrick said. 

‘Worst Husband.’ David pouted, and Patrick tried to laugh but choked on it. David had no idea how much he felt like the very worst husband in the world. How much he was about to break apart everything. He perched on the end, on his side and reached over to where David’s feet were and patted them. He swallowed. 

‘David.’ he started, ‘I need to talk to you about something. Come sit with me ok?’ he couldn’t do this with David buried in the covers. But he couldn’t drag this out. It wasn’t fair. 

Something in Patrick’s tone cut through David’s early morning grump. He peeled back the covers that he’d thrown over his head and pulled himself upright. He scooted down to the end of the bed and sat next to his husband with a little shrug. Patrick looked over at him with a little smile, then bit his lip looking down.He already felt a tightening in his chest. And he willed his brain not to leap ten steps ahead while he waited. ‘Ok.’ he said slowly ‘What’s going on?’ he blinked trying to slow his brain down. When Patrick turned to look at him, the look on his face, pale and his eyes red and he thought already filled with tears, did nothing to slow the panic. ‘Patrick tell me.’ he said, his eyebrows shooting up. 

Patrick nodded. One look at David’s face and he knew there was only one way to do it. Easing in would only make him spiral quicker than he could bring him back. He nodded, and reached over for David’s hand. 

‘Alexis just called me.’ he said as plainly, as evenly as he could, ‘It’s your Mom.’ he caught David inhale sharply getting there a second before he said ‘She died last night. Your Dad was with her, she just...David it was just time I think. I don’t know much more, I'm sorry.’ his voice cracked as he finished speaking and he wiped at the tears that fell with his free hand. 

‘No.’ he said simply. Shaking his head. ‘No.’ his eyebrows shot up and he stared at his husband in disbelief. One look at this face, where he was already wiping away tears with his free hand told him it was true. ‘No.’ he said softly this time. 

‘I’m sorry.’ Patrick said ‘I’m so sorry David.’

David just sat there, staring straight ahead and blinking. He’d heard what Patrick said. He’d answered him. But he couldn’t think, he couldn’t do anything. Then something snapped in his brain and he jumped up. 

‘We have to go.’ he said ‘We have to go and get Alexis, and go to my Dad. Right now. We need to pack. And call the Store, tell Katie we need her to cover the week, or whatever you can come back it’s fine. I’ll have to stay, he’ll need me to organise everything. God where do you even start- you can help. Or your Mom, you know what to do right? Where is my Dad do we know? He can’t be alone, he won’t cope. Is Alexis, where is she? give me my phone-’

‘David wait just.’

‘No! We need to get going. If we leave now we can get there by...well fuck I don’t know. But we need to call Alexis and get her ready. And call my Dad we need to call my Dad!’ he was pacing in circles now ‘Do you think I can start planning from the car? I mean I can make calls and we can do stuff online I guess. If Alexis talks to my Dad at the same time. Where is he? Is he at home? Anyway it doesn’t matter, we can call. I should call. Or call Alexis first. Or pack.’

Patrick watched as he went to the wardrobe and pulled out a bag, and started looking for clothes. Then went back to the dresser and pulled open a drawer. And back to the wardrobe. He let it play out for a second. Watching him pool a pile of clothes- most of them not even his- on the floor while he paced back and forth. 

‘I can’t find my...you’ve been sorting again I told you that…’ he was more muttering to himself now. ‘I should call Alexis? Or my Dad? Or pack or? But I can’t find the grey t shirt. Patrick!’

He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at his husband for help. ‘Patrick’ he said again, his chest starting to heave. 

‘David come here.’ Patrick said, fighting everything in him that wanted to crumble too, ‘Come back over here ok.’ he kept his voice soft and held out his hand. David dropped the bag again and still holding the t-shirt walked back to him. He sat on the bed and stared ahead again. 

‘I ...I mean we should go…’ he flailed his arms and waved the t-shirt. 

Patrick nodded. ‘We’ll go. I promise.’ he said, ‘We’re gonna call your Dad, and then call Alexis, and we’ll make a plan ok?’ He looked over and David nodded, ‘But maybe we take a minute first ok?’

David nodded, staring straight ahead again now, twisting the t-shirt in his hands. Patrick reached over and took it off him gently. ‘I don’t know what to do.’ he whispered looking down. 

Patrick reached an arm around him and he leaned in. ‘Just sit with me a minute then ok? Let’s do that.’ he rubbed his arm up and down. He heard the small noise David made before he cried a fraction of a second before he heard his husband make a noise he never wanted to hear again. A kind of visceral cry that ripped through him as he doubled over into Patrick’s lap. His whole body shook as Patrick tightened his grip, physically stopping him from falling off the bed and failing as he dropped to the floor clinging onto his legs as he went. Patrick’s own face was streaked with tears by now, both for the pain he could see his husband was in, and his own grief at losing his Mother in law, who for everything she was had been so good to him. He pulled himself down to the floor with David and pulled him back into his lap. He pulled him close, worried he’d hurt himself, worried somehow crying like this was going to hurt him. But after a few more moments he slowed down, to a series of rattled sobs and Patrick was able to run a hand over his back again, attempting to soothe him. Eventually he stiled, chest rising and falling still but Patrick felt his hands claw at his t-shirt and he pulled him upwards a bit and leaned down to kiss his head. 

‘I just…’ David tried before tears overtook him again. 

‘I know’ Patrick said running a hand through his hair and pulling him in ‘I know’ 

Thursday evening 

David peered into the oven once again. There was no danger of the pies burning but he figured looking gave him an excuse to stay here a while longer. He re-arranged the cakes on the tray once again and recounted the cups. The cafetiere was waiting with cream and sugar nearby for once the pies were ready. And he’d officially run out of things to do in the kitchen. He glanced at the sink. He could always do that. The Brewers had a dishwasher but there was already an array of glassware and a few knives that could benefit from a hand wash, and while he was at it he might as well do the cups and plates littered around. He ran the water in the sink and squirted the soap in. He took his jacket off and hung it carefully on a chair, and rolled his sleeves up. 

He could hear gentle chatter from the living room, which was only the other side of one wall. But it felt far enough away for a moment’s breather. Not that many people had come back- just Patrick’s aunts and uncles and their kids, and of course David’s family. But it felt like a lot. So he’d offered to prepare dessert. He’d insisted. Stevie had come out for a bit to help him but he’d shooed her away. Insisting someone needed to keep an eye on his family. Patrick had been dragged into a catch up with his Mom’s brother’s family, who he knew he hadn’t seen to speak to today, and had given him a little nod as he left the room. A bit of time apart was probably good for them too. 

‘You wanna hand me that towel I’ll dry?’ his Dad’s voice came from behind him. 

David shrugged ‘Sure.’ he said holding it out. His Dad nodded and took up a post next to him at the sink. ‘Did you want a drink or something…’ David gestured to the kitchen aimlessly. He wasn’t quite sure about the etiquette of making himself at home, but Marcy seemed to have welcomed them all in so. 

‘No, actually I was just coming to check on you.’ his Dad said, methodically drying a glass and setting it down. 

‘Oh.’ David said, confused. He knew things had changed in recent years, but he couldn’t always get his head around the kind of attentive parenting he now received. ‘I’m fine.’ he shrugged. 

‘You’ve sliced cakes within an inch of their life and now we’re doing dishes…’ Johnny said with a soft smile. He knew his son’s need to organize aligned with his anxiety, even if it wasn’t something they talked about. The kid had the neatest bedroom of any teenage boy in high school. ‘A lot of people in there eh?’ he said, setting another glass down. 

David nodded, scrubbing at some stubborn melted chocolate on a plate. ‘A lot of people everywhere today.’ he admitted. 

‘And I guess you sort of feel like you’re on show a bit.’ Johnny mused, the thought just occurred to him that must be an element of what David was feeling. 

‘Hmmm.’ David said, ‘It’s not exactly how any of us imagined meeting the family for sure.’

Johnny couldn’t help but smile. ‘You imagined that huh?’ he said. David shot him a look sideways and bit his lip looking down into the sink, he shrugged. Johnny smiled again. David kept it close to his chest still in many ways, but they’d all known for a long time that Patrick was different, something special. He’d had no doubt they’d go the distance, but he knew David sometimes did. ‘You know what, maybe it’s for the best in a weird way.’ Johnny mused, working on another glass. ‘Getting thrown in, on a day that’s not about you know, you two. People get to see you for who you are.’

‘Well hopefully not too much who I am’ David huffed, finishing the plate and doing a couple more glasses. He already was having a quiet debate in his head about all the stupid things he’d likely said that would make Patrick’s family have opinions about him no doubt. 

‘I think they’ve seen exactly who you are today.’ Johnny said resting a hand on his son’s back. David paused his hands still in the soap. ‘You’ve done ok you know that Son? You’ve done brilliantly’

David raised his eyes upwards. ‘I feel like i’m just waiting to fuck it up.’ he said exasperated, looking over at his Dad for help. Johnny put down the glass and leaned on the counter nodding slowly. 

‘Sure. I get that.’ he said really giving it some thought, ‘There’s no right way to do this. Like I told Patrick and you.’ he adjusted his suit ‘You want some advice, based on knowing you, and I think knowing Patrick?’ 

David shrugged, at this point it couldn’t hurt. 

‘Don’t stop being yourself. Don’t start treating him any different. But don’t try and be someone you aren’t.’ he paused realising that didn’t make much sense ‘When my Mom died, you were what, in High School? Anyway it doesn’t matter. What matters is there was a time when I really lost my mind a bit. The grief took hold of me like nothing I’ve known. Now that might happen to Patrick, it might not. We don’t know yet.’ David was looking at him wide eyed, but listening ‘And I was a mess. Honestly. Really low, I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn't do anything for days- a week or more. Even after that, I wasn’t myself. For a long while.’ 

David bit his lip, he’d never heard his Dad speak like this. 

‘But you know who was? And it helped?’ 

David half smiled ‘Mom?’ Johnny nodded ‘I mean she doesn’t really know how to be anyone else.’ he said rolling his eyes. 

‘Neither do you.’ Johnny said with a smile. ‘The point is, she looked after me but she was still her. So one minute she would hold me while I sobbed into her silk blouse, and not give a damn. She picked me up off the floor- literally- several times. She sat and made me eat when I wouldn’t. She talked me out of hurting myself.’ Johnny’s voice dropped a little. 

‘Dad.’ David said softly. He had no idea how rough losing Grandma had been on his Dad. 

‘But she’d also spend hours brushing her wigs. And complain about the food we had delivered. And the service. And anything else. She still got wound up about her agent not calling. Or hearing someone won an award or whatever. She was still, your Mom. And that, as much as having someone to hold me.’ David’s face crumpled a bit then, ‘That’s what got me through.’ 

David looked down at the sink of rapidly disappearing bubbles and nodded. ‘I’m sorry Dad. I had no idea.’

‘It was a long time ago. You were just a kid.’ Johnny said picking up a glass and drying it carefully. ‘And we all got through it. Just part of life. You will too.’ 

David nodded into the bubbles where he was basically just resting his hands now. ‘Thanks.’ he said. They finished the dishes in silence, each lost in their own thoughts but glad of the company. Johnny dried his hands and rested a hand on his son’s shoulder before leaving him with a nod. KNowing he likely wanted to steal a few more minutes of alone time. Though when he ran into Patrick in the hallway he gave him a relieved smile. 

‘Rescue your Mom’s kitchen from having the cupboards reorganised’ Johnny said with a smile. 

‘Will do.’ Patrick said, ducking into the kitchen. 

Patrick stood for a moment and blinked David in. With his jacket off and his sleeves rolled up, and his fitted, impeccable tailored suit pants it was quite the different look to his usual baggy sweaters. And not that he didn’t enjoy David’s usual look but this was something else. Particularly when he dramatically swung his suit jacket back on and buttoned it. Patrick swallowed. 

‘You don’t have to keep that on now you know. I mean the jacket. It’s boiling in there.’

David gave a little smile ‘You think Johnny Rose would permit his son to wear a suit incorrectly at a formal event?’ he raised an eyebrow. ‘I once was grounded when I forgot to undo my jacket before siting down. I was 12. It was someone’s Bar Mitzvah and my suit didn’t even fit.’ 

‘Wow.’ Patrick said. ‘I don’t think I owned a suit until college...let alone knew etiquette. 

‘Well that much is clear.’ David said with what he knew Patrick knew was a comedy raise of an eyebrow designed to get a rise out of him. He couldn’t believe he was in a relationship where he had to learn eyebrow language as well…

‘Oh I’m a lost cause.’ Patrick said with a smirk. ‘Ok help me out.’ he’d thrown his jacket off earlier, and loosened his tie. He was aware that by David’s standards, even by his own usual put-together standards, he was a bit ...dishevelled. 

‘Well first of all my love, this is not how we wear a deconstructed suit. Come here.’ he jerked his head to Patrick, who rolled his eyes and stepped closer. ‘If we’re taking a jacket off then we roll up the sleeves. Honestly I didn’t think I’d be telling you of all people to roll up your sleeves.’

‘David I just tossed my jacket off because I was hot; it wasn’t a fashion statement. And I’m in my Mom’s living room nobody is going to see.’ he knew it was a futile battle and he let David fuss with tucking in his shirt, holding out his arms to let him, with a roll of his eyes. ‘Fine.’ he muttered. 

David took a moment tucking in his shirt, to hold his hands still on his back. Just a moment of touch, reassurance for both of them. Then he moved to his tie. Which he slowly loosened. Standing inches from his face it was a gesture, in another circumstance that would have been something else entirely. Instead it felt strangely intimate. David pulled it off, and folded it carefully, placing it on the counter, without moving an inch. He leaned in and kissed Patrick gently, not leading anywhere or asking for anything, just reassuring him. That he was still here. Then he reached over and fused with his collar, straightening the back. Unbuttoning an extra button and smoothing his shirt. 

Then he picked up Patrick’s left arm, still with a roll of his eyes. He angled his wrist so he could get to the cufflinks- probably why Patrick hadn’t bothered to roll up his sleeves he’d mused. They were a beautiful brushed silver, David tilted them for a closer look, and saw ‘CB’ enraged on the top. He ran a thumb over nodding to himself. 

‘Dad’s’ Patrick said softly with a little shrug. 

‘Sorry I didn’t mean to...I was just trying to…’

‘I know.’ Patrick said ‘Look I am really hot I should roll my sleeves up it’s just…’

David nodded. Carefully he took out both of the cufflinks and held them in his palm, running a finger over them. 

‘Look after them for me?’ Patrick asked. ‘I’ll be paranoid if I put them in my pocket.’

David nodded. He lifted his hand to his breast pocket and pulled out the black and white pocket square he was wearing. He dropped the cufflinks in and twisted the silk around them to make a little pouch before tucking it back into his pocket. 

‘Well now you’ve ruined the look.’ Patrick said with a little smile. David gave him a lopsided smile and shook his head. He brought Patrick’s hand up to his pocket and held it over there so he could feel the lump where the cufflinks sat. 

‘Not at all.’ he said. Patrick flicked his eyes up and nodded a thanks. 

‘Ok sort this out then.’ he said, flapping his arms where the sleeves now billowed around them. David laughed and complied, slowly rolling the left sleeve then the right up and folding the stiff dress shirt so it sat comfortably at his elbow. His gentle touch on Patrick’s arms felt reassuring, and familiar. ‘Will I do now?’ he asked. 

‘Very presentable.’ David concurred and went to step back. Patrick caught him by the waist and held him. He dutifully looped his arms around his shoulders and leant in for a kiss. 

‘You ok David?’ Patrick checked. 

David considered deflecting, doing the right thing and dismissing any concerns about him. But Patrick caught that impulse in him, and pulled at his waist and fixed him with a look that said ‘Really’ David looked down at him ‘Tired?’ he said honestly ‘A bit you know, anxious, so many people’ he jerked his head in the direction of the living room. He lowered his eyes ‘Worried I’m going to fuck something up. Again.’ he bit his lip. 

Patrick nodded at him. He knew just saying ‘you’re doing fine’ or ‘it’s all fine’ didn’t work. David would think ten times worse if told everything was fine. Telling him nobody hated him was a sure fire way to make him think everyone did. So instead, he pulled him in a bit and told him the only thing that really mattered anyway. 

‘You know I couldn’t have done this without you right?’ David nodded at that. ‘Then that’s all there is ok?’ again David nodded. Patrick leaned into him for a second. ‘I’m sorry about earlier,’ he said into David’s shirt. ‘For how I spoke, what I did.’ 

He felt David’s hand in his hair ‘I think you get a pass today.’ he muttered. And felt Patrick huff with a little laugh. He pulled back, ‘What?’ he asked. 

‘Your Dad said the same thing. In almost the same voice.’ Patrick laughed. And laughed again at David’s annoyance. ‘Honestly.’ Patrick continued ‘A lot of compliments today on if you turn out looking like your Dad when you’re old I’ve won the Lotto.’

‘Were those comments mostly Karen?’ David asked dryly. 

‘Yes, yes they were.’ Patrick said smirking, ‘And the Church ladies. And some of the wives. Basically Johnny Rose a big hit with the ladies round these parts it seems.’ honestly even in everything else, he had to say he’d enjoyed the attention his boyfriend had gotten. A weird sense of pride at also, yes, that was who he was bringing home thank you very much. He smiled up at his boyfriend now. Who of course was fixated on the other details. 

David rested his hands on Patrick’s shoulders again. ‘Ok firstly ew. Let us never speak of this again. Or tell my Dad.’ he said ‘Second, why is everyone talking about when we’re old?’

Patrick couldn’t keep the smile off his face ‘Firstly, we will be telling your Dad, because mostly your Mom’s reaction to a pack of suburban housewives chasing after her man will be worth it.’ David couldn’t keep the lopsided grin off his face at that, Patrick had a point there. ‘And, as for us I guess that’s what happens when people assume you’ll be stuck with me for a long long time’ he said reaching up for a kiss. 

David looked confused, and Patrick tilted his head. Then his eyes went wide. Understanding, nobody had ever assumed David would be with someone until he was old before. As the realisation hit he realised David was looking a bit emotional again. He bit back the additional tease he’d meant and leaned in again, wrapping his arms tightly around David’s waist, feeling him lean down into him. He tightened his arms again, feeling like he wanted to hold on a bit longer. He felt David’s hand on his neck and in his hair, and they let themselves stand and hold on for a bit, enjoying the moment of calm. And trying to say all the unsaid things. 

Marcy heard the last thing her son said to his boyfriend before they wrapped each other up in a hug and not for the first time today, she felt a pull at her chest. She’d been on her way to help David with the pies, when she’d heard them talking. She hadn’t caught the rest but she’d hung back, seeing them hold each other. She knew Patrick needed that, even though he was awful at asking for support. But David seemed to just give it instinctively. But there was also something beautifully balanced about them together. She couldn’t help but wonder a bit if it was because they were two men, that they’d managed to throw off expectations of gender roles and that helped everything feel a bit more evenly distributed. Probably, but also they were just a perfect balance for one another. Even in the limited time she’d seen them together that much was clear. She’d certainly never seen her son look at anyone quite like he did David. He didn’t even know he was doing it. They pulled apart now, just as David exclaimed 

‘Fuck! The pies!’ and she had to laugh, giving herself away as she stepped into the kitchen.

‘Oh my God sorry Mrs Brewer!’ David exclaimed. 

‘Marcy, please.’ she said ‘and it’s fine. I don’t think the pies are totally fucked.’

‘Mom!’ Patrick exclaimed in mock horror. In reality his Mom could give the odd sailor a run for their money, two older brothers will do that for a girl he guessed. She shooed David out of her way and got the pies out. 

‘See no harm done.’ she said with a smile, ‘And look at this dessert tray, and you did the dishes. David you’re a marvel.’ 

David smiled embarrassed. ‘It’s fine.’ he shrugged. 

‘He is nothing if not fully domesticated.’ Patrick said with a smirk in David’s direction. 

‘Someone needs to be.’ Marcy said, shoving the tray at her son with a wink.

‘Mom I can cook and clean thanks.’ He said with a roll of his eyes. 

‘Off you go.’ she said, grabbing another tray from a cupboard for the cups. ‘David will you grab these.’ she held out the tray for him as she loaded it up. ‘Thank you David.’ she said looking at him.

‘Oh it’s fine. My Dad helped with the dishes and you know, well practiced at dessert displays from the Store so…’ he shrugged, careful not to dislodge the cups. 

‘Not for the desserts David.’ Marcy said pausing in the cup loading, ‘Thank you, for today.’ she rested a hand on his arm and he nodded. 

‘Better get these in.’ he said ‘no point in dessert without coffee right?’ he smiled at her and went back into the living room. 

A while later they had all eaten yet another round of dessert- Patrick wondered what meal exactly they were on at this point now? But equally time had lost all meaning. It felt like it should be around 10pm when in reality it was closer to five. They'd sat in various configurations chatting, his cousins talking to Stevie and Alexis, David’s parents talking to his uncle- well his Uncle and Mr Rose trading yet more golf stories, while aunt Lucy and Mrs Rose exchanged eye rolls. But in the last few minutes they’d all settled into relative silence when his Uncle Phillip started expanding on a story from his eulogy- something about a fishing trip that Patrick didn’t quite remember from the service but was quite entertaining in the retelling in a more relaxed environment. 

‘That was the thing with Clint.’ Phillip added, ‘So stubborn about it, even when he was really sick he’d never admit it- not long enough to let a trout get away anyway’ he laughed. 

‘That was the worst.’ Patrick said honestly, as he got up to refill his Mom’s wine glass, ‘When he wanted to carry on as normal but couldn’t.’ 

Phillip’s demeanor suddenly shifted, and he took a sip of his drink. ‘Well you wouldn’t know would you. You weren’t here.’ Phillip said, his tone was even, factual even. 

‘What?’ Patrick said, physically stopping short on his way to top up his Mom’s drink. Across the room he caught David exchanging a glance with Alexis. 

‘What I said Patrick. I mean this isn’t news to you.’ Phillip said with a shrug, ‘Just that you weren’t here for the last two years. You were off doing, whatever.’ he saw Phillip give a glance at David and his family. He stood up a bit straighter. 

‘I moved away. Yes.’ Patrick said. ‘So have your kids. Sorry guys.’ he said with a glance to Claire in the corner, she waved a hand at him. 

‘Look Patrick I don’t have a problem with the...choices you’ve made here. Really you know I’m not that kind of guy.’

‘Sure doesn’t sound like it.’ muttered Marty from the corner. 

Patrick spun around shocked, his usually mild mannered cousin speaking up. 

‘Stay out of this Marty.’ Phillip snapped. 

‘It’s ok Marty.’ Patrick added, ‘But thanks.’ Marty smiled at him and nodded. He saw David glance over too and give him a nod. 

‘Still, you dump your fiance, you run away to the middle of nowhere, nobody sees you or hears from you for two years. What do you expect?’ 

‘I expect it to be none of your business.’ Patrick said doing his best to keep his tone even. He put the bottle of wine down on the coffee table and folded his arms. ‘But for what it’s worth, no it wasn’t right what happened with Rachel, but it’s our business. And David’s.’ he shot a glance over to his boyfriend who looked like he was fighting with all he had to keep his mouth shut and nodded. ‘And I made it right.’ he said carefully, David nodded at him. 

‘Look what you do with your relationships really is your business. I’m not judging...this.’ Phillip gestured in David’s general direction. 

‘Then what Uncle Phillip? Because I’m confused.’ Patrick stood his ground this time, whatever he was missing here he was determined to get to the bottom of. Phillip and him had always had a fairly distant relationship, whether they were too different or too alike he couldn’t tell. 

‘Look just forget it, Phill’ his Mom interjected. ‘Patrick, hand me the wine.’ 

‘No I want to know.’ Patrick could hear the defensiveness in his voice, he caught David sitting up a little straighter in his peripheral vision, knowing full well that tone meant he was close to snapping- usually reserved for being irritated at a lacklustre approach to inventory. David had heard it once or twice when their bickering had got out of control, and tiredness or stubbornness had led to a real fight. He tensed and Alexis sensed it looking over at him. 

‘Patrick, leave it sweetie.’ Marcy said, pleading a little now. 

‘No Mom I deserve to know what Uncle Phill’s problem with me is.’ Patrick spat. ‘He cornered me earlier, and wouldn’t tell me because apparently I have to be psychic around here now...and I just want to know what it is he has a problem with?’ 

‘Because you weren’t here Patrick! You weren’t here when your Dad was ill, you weren’t here to help your Mom. And you weren’t here when he died!’ 

‘That wasn’t my fault!’ Patrick exclaimed ‘I didn’t know, none of us did!’

‘How can you say that you knew he was-’ 

‘Phillip it’s fine.’ Marcy interjected, ‘It’s not the time.’

‘Uncle Phil he’s been ill half my life I was here for most of it.’ Patrick said his voice calm and even, ‘I did my best, as a kid, through College. You know that. You were here.’

‘Then why choose to leave? Why then? That’s what I want to know.’ Phillip put his glass down, and leaned forward on his knees. 

Patrick could feel everyone’s eyes on him now. He suddenly felt very isolated. He wished he had David by his side again, the other side of the living room suddenly felt very far away. But David, like him, seemed frozen to the spot. There was nothing he could do to help from there. 

‘Phillip please.’ Marcy said gently, ‘Let’s talk about this another day. He’s lost his Dad.’

‘And I lost my brother!’ Phillip snapped, ‘And you lost your husband! And I want to know why his Son chose his last years to move away to the middle of nowhere and start his life over!’

‘Because he didn’t know!’ Marcy exclaimed, in a tone Patrick had rarely heard from his Mom, ‘Because we didn’t tell him.’ she said softer, looking down at her lap. 

A wave of cold washed over Patrick, like the blood draining from him. 

‘What...uh what do you mean?’ Patrick looked from his Mom to his Uncle and back again ‘Mom?’ 

Phillip had the decency to look sheepish, and look away then. His Mom opened her mouth to reply then closed it again. 

‘You told me everything was fine Mom.’ Patrick said aware his voice was coming out strangled and higher pitched than normal. ‘I would never have gone if I’d thought…’ in an instant everything about the last two years flashed across his mind. Everything different if he’d known, if he’d known what exactly? ‘Mom.’ he said again, ‘What didn’t you tell me?’ 

Across the room Alexis tightened her grip on David’s arm and looked over at him. He was fixed on Patrick, she felt him move to get him and pulled him back shaking her head slightly. David nodded. He had to let this play out. He watched Patrick willing him to know he was supporting him from across the room. Patrick was fixed on his Mom though, his expression confused and pained. 

His Mom was crying now, sniffling gently into her hand. A part of him felt terrible for pushing, but he had to know. ‘Mom?!’ he said. 

‘Patrick.’ Marty’s voice came from behind him, uncharacteristically loud and strong, and he spun around, he was sat slightly wide eyed and nervous looking, ‘Um, from what I understand and Dad can correct me on this’ he nodded at his Dad who was watching them intently, ‘From what I knew about it anyway, Uncle Clint knew he didn’t have long a while back. Um I know you probably knew he went to a lot of hospital appointments, I guess maybe they didn’t tell you how serious it was on account of you moving away or whatever.’ he looked at Patrick for a second before adding ‘And I’m sorry, I’d have wanted to know too. We all assumed you knew and just didn’t want to talk about it, and with you not being here and all…’ he trailed off and shrugged. 

‘Everyone knew?’ he asked, looking around, his eyes falling on Claire, his cousins as he’d said, had been like siblings to him over the years. She nodded at him. 

‘Not the details, nothing like that. But we knew…’ she hesitated exchanging a look with Marty, ‘We knew he wasn’t going to get better.’ she put an arm around her brother who was crying now. ‘Sorry Patrick. Really we thought you knew and it was easier not to speak about it. Especially when we were you know just texting mostly...it never seemed the time.’ 

He nodded. Trying to process it all. 

‘It’s not your fault guys.’ he said to his cousins, ‘Really, thank you.’ Claire nodded at him, Marty was wiping at his eyes avoiding his Dad’s gaze. 

‘When?’ he asked the room, scanning around for anyone willing to answer him. ‘When did he know?’ 

His Mom finally looked up at him, her face damp with tears now. ‘About a month before you left.’ she said. ‘You were so upset already, over Rachel and it all happened so fast- the test results, you leaving. We couldn’t let you leave knowing that. We assumed we could...tell you another time.’

He rubbed a hand over his face. ‘And you never...thought to… I mean how could you have not said something?’ his voice was even but it cracked as he spoke. He heard it and he knew his Mom and David would too. He was desperate not to lose it in front of everyone. But the news had overwhelmed him and he felt a slight shake in his hands. He shoved them in his pockets. He knew across the room David would have caught that too. 

‘He was doing fine!’ Marcy protested that much was true, Clint had been healthy enough the last couple of years all things considered and there had never been a time it seemed urgent that Patrick knew. Urgent enough to disrupt his new life. She dropped her gaze again ‘And we wanted to tell you in person.’ she said softly. ‘And then when we saw you it was such a happy time, we didn’t want to ruin it with bad news.’

David felt sick. He could see Patrick was close to unravelling. He was standing tense, his hands deep in his pockets. His voice wavered in a way David had heard only a handful of times. He desperately wanted to leap to his side, leap to his defence but he couldn’t. Alexis tightened her grip on his arm, all but physically pinning him down. She caught the small noise he made when Marcy spoke. It was his fault Patrick’s parents hadn’t told him when they saw him. 

Patrick felt like he’d been punched in the chest. ‘Fuck.’ he muttered, the world was spinning a bit now. ‘I have to, um, I should…’ he ran out of the room. 

Alexis finally released the hold she had put on David’s arm to keep him still and let him go. He dashed across the room and was halted by Marcy’s gentle arm on his, where she’d also got up, not to chase after her son, but to halt David. 

‘Give him a bit of time.’ She said gently. 

He looked over at her, her eyes were red and her cheeks still damp from crying, she looked as exhausted as Patrick did by now too. She wouldn’t stop him if he insisted he knew. But David also knew she was right, they both knew him too well. He gave her a nod. 

‘Ok.’ he said, reaching out to squeeze her arm. ‘When I invited you to come visit I had no idea I wouldn’t have-’

She shook her head. ‘You did the right thing. Clint wouldn’t have seen him one last-’ she couldn’t get the words out and instinctively David reached for her and pulled her into a hug. He caught sight of his Dad getting up over her head. 

‘Well I think it’s time we head back to our Motel.’ Johnny said. There was after all a sense of the party being over. He walked over to David, who released Marcy with a slight nod and smile. ‘You can get a Cab over later, or I can come back for you…?’ he knew there was no way David was leaving right now. 

David went to reply that he’d get a cab later, he just wanted to make sure Patrick was, if not alright, as alright as he was going to be. 

‘Stay David.’ Marcy said before he could say any more, a hand on his arm, ‘Please.’ she added, looking down, ‘He needs you here tonight.’

David swallowed the lump in his throat. Both at even with all this unfolding her first concern was making sure her son was ok. It was not the first sleepover at a parent’s house either of them envisioned but he nodded. 

‘Ok if you’re sure.’

‘I could use the company.’ she said with a smile ‘I’m going to get a drink, call me when you do leave Johnny.’ 

She made her way into the kitchen. 

‘John, get the kids ready, I’m going to the bathroom.’ Moira said following after Marcy. 

Johnny gestured to Alexis and Stevie who downed the remainder of their drinks and got up. 

Moria followed Marcy into the kitchen, where she was standing staring at the fridge. She glanced over at Moira then opened the freezer and pulled out a bottle of Vodka. 

‘I know we don’t know each other very well but you strike me as a woman who won’t judge me for this.’ Marcy said. 

‘You assume correctly.’ Moira said, and added in a low voice ‘Even less so if you pour me one as well.’ she said with a wink. 

Marcy smiled and pulled two glasses from the cupboard and poured them both a healthy shot. She held her glass up to Moira who mimicked her. ‘Families’ Moira said ‘Are both the very best and very worst. As anyone who ever met my sister might attest.’ 

Marcy nodded, taking another sip. ‘Phillip is a good man but...well.’ she said drinking. ‘Thank you, to your family for today.’ she said, ‘I mean really I should be thanking you for so much more, this last week particularly- Patrick told me about Thanksgiving.’

‘Oh we did nothing.’ Moira said. She paused to think, ‘As my husband said to your son on Thanksgiving, it's what you do, for family.’ 

Marcy looked down at her drink. ‘Thank you.’ She said again. 

‘He’ll take care of him.’ she leaned on the counter. 

‘I know.’ Marcy said. ‘They really are lovely together.’ 

Moria nodded, ‘Well Patrick has worked wonders on David.’ she said with a wink. 

‘Oh I don’t know I think David has done a fair bit for Patrick as well.’ Marcy said with a smile. ‘But I’m glad they found each other.’ 

Moria nodded and sipped her drink. She liked Marcy, as different as they were. And she couldn’t imagine what she was going through today. ‘I wouldn’t be still standing if i were you today.’ she said honestly ‘For which my husband and kids will attest. I think the words ‘dramatic’ would probably feature, and for once they’d be correct.’ in all honesty, Moira wasn’t sure she’d have made it out of bed in Marcy’s shoes. 

Marcy smiled, there was something comforting about Moira, even if she was so wildly different to everyone else she’d ever met. ‘I’m not entirely sure how I am.’ she confessed, leaning on the counter. ‘Autopilot, and a good family- brothers in law currently aside- pulling me through. Anyway it’s what you do isn’t it…’ she gestured towards the living room where there were, what, eight family members still hanging on? She hoped at least Phillip was about to have the decency to leave. 

‘There comes a point.’ Moira said ‘when it’s time to stop being the hostess and close the party though.’ 

Marcy nodded. She might employ her niece and nephews to clear the room for her soon. Exhaustion and a need for some quiet were quickly catching up. And not least the need to take care of her son, who had been coping so well, who she’d just ruined everything for. She leaned on the counter, a wave of emotion catching up with her. Moira took a step towards her and rested a hand on her shoulder. ‘He’ll be ok.’ she said ‘Let David take care of things.’ Moira said kindly. ‘He’ll know what to do.’ she paused for a second ‘It’s harder sometimes, knowing they have someone who knows better than us what they need. But it’s also the very best thing in the world for a Mother, don’t you think.’

Marcy wiped at her eyes, and straightened up, seeming to snap back into place. In a gesture Moira noted that made her look just like her son, and she smiled. ‘It feels like he’s...settled, for the first time in his life.’ she said with a smile. ‘Just that somehow he’s found...what he needed.’

Moria smiled. ‘I told David that Patrick sees him, for all that he is.’

Marcy smiled again ‘I think David is the first person to really see Patrick too.’ she said. They looked at each other for a moment, each thinking about their boys who had waited so long for this.

‘Moira?!’ Johnny’s voice echoed from the hall.

‘Summoned’ Moria said with a laugh and downed the rest of her drink. ‘And one of these just before bed.’ she winked putting the glass down. Marcy smiled. She really did like Moria. 

‘Good tip.’ Marcy said. Nodding at Moira who opened her arms and pulled her into a hug. She turned to leave then turned back and paused looking down. For a second Marcy saw her son in her, his slight awkwardness, hidden under a lot of bravado. ‘Moira?’ Marcy prompted. 

‘For what it’s worth.’ Moira said ‘I’d have done the same.’ Marcy nodded at her. ‘In fact.’ Moira continued ‘If it were me, I think I’d prefer my kids not have to know until ...well.’ she shrugged. ‘Would much rather they remember me as...well’ she did a half curtsey ‘Far better that way.’ she nodded. 

Marcy nodded back. Choking back tears. ‘Let me walk you out.’ she said. 

A short while later they closed the door as David’s family pulled away in the car. Marcy looked at him with a determination David recognised from his boyfriend’s similar looks. ‘I’ll deal with that lot in there.’ she said with determination ‘You go and look after him. And I’ll have them gone by the time you’re done. Deal?’ 

David gave her a lopsided smile. He liked Patrick’s Mom more and more. Not least because he could see a lot of where Patrick got it from in her. ‘Deal.’ he said with a nodd. 

‘Third on the right’ Marcy said as he turned up the stairs. David nodded at her and was on his way. Halfway up he stopped and readied himself. In the flurry of activity to see his family off he’d forgotten to think about what kind of state Patrick was now in. Had this broken him, or had it put his walls more firmly up. He had no way to know. But he had no choice but to be there for him. He walked down the slightly dark corridor to the plain white door, the only one pulled shut. He knocked lightly. 

‘It’s me.’ he said softly, there was no response, though he hadn’t expected one. 

Patrick’s childhood room was, as he might expect Patrick’s childhood room to be. Painted a pale blue with matching bed linen, there were a range of sports-related posters on one wall, baseball mostly. Two big bookshelves filled with books either side of a simple plain wardrobe, and a selection of framed photos and a couple of small trophies on the dresser. He noticed as he shut the door a couple of old baseball hats and what looked like a high school jacket on the back of the door. It was very him, clean, simple, homey. There was a big window on the opposite side that looked out into the garden. The sunset was just filtering through and the room had a soft glow about it. 

Patrick was sitting on the bed, knees pulled up to his chest, his head resting on them. His shoes were kicked off on the way to the bed. David shut the door quietly behind him, easing off his own shoes, and putting them- and Patrick’s neatly out of the way. He climbed onto the bed and pulled his legs up sitting cross legged opposite Patrick. Who finally lifted his head slightly off his knees to look at him. 

It was then David realised he wasn’t resting his head on his knees but on a small battered teddy bear he was holding. He bit back a half smile at the image. The bear’s one arm was hanging down over Patrick’s shin, so he reached out and took its paw. It was made of a kind of towelling material and was surprisingly soft. 

‘And who is this?’ he said, making out like he was shaking the paw. 

Patrick looked at David ridiculously shaking the bear’s paw and had to smile. If he had the energy he’d be embarrassed about sitting here with his teddy bear. But he didn’t and besides, it was soft, and comforting and felt like home. Which he realised was ridiculous as technically he was home. 

‘Bertie’ he muttered into the bear, not really intelligible. 

‘Pardon?’ David said, addressing the bear. ‘I didn’t catch that.’

Patrick rolled his eyes and lifted his head properly ‘Bertie.’ he said. He made the bear’s other arm do a little wave and David laughed, a surprised genuine laugh. It was so joyous and unexpected Patrick broke into a grin in return. They sat and looked at each other for a second and Patrick shrugged. 

‘Well it’s nice to meet you Bertie.’ David said, then after a pause ‘My teddy was called Aloyisus.’ 

‘Just pretentious enough Sebtastian.’ Patrick said not missing a beat. David raised an eyebrow. ‘One of my favourite books.’ Patrick added, then in answer to David’s other raised eyebrow ‘Shut up.’ he smiled though. Yes, if he looked back the clues he’d ignored for too many years were there.

David’s heart ached a bit, as it always did for clues to Patrick’s confused past. Now wasn’t the time though, as the pain in his present was far more pressing. He reached out again for the bear’s paw, pulling at it as if he was trying to get its attention. Patrick smiled at him, if a little sadly. ‘How you doing?’ he asked, his voice soft and low. 

Patrick rested his head back on the bear. He’d forgotten it was here, but having picked it up he had felt instantly comforted by this old piece of home. Plus it was something to hang on to, literally. He sat up, crossing his legs as well pulling the bear into his lap. He had no idea what he was feeling any more. 

‘They didn’t tell me.’ he said eventually. Stating the obvious but it seemed a start. 

‘I know.’ David said, his expression was open and soft, letting Patrick lead this. 

‘Two years.’ Patrick said. He opened his eyes and looked up. ‘Two years when I could have…’ he shrugged. He didn’t even know what at this point. 

‘You could have prepared yourself.’ David said evenly, he realised the thought hadn’t occurred to Patrick when his eyes widened in revelation. He nodded slowly. ‘Maybe it was better this way.’ David said softly, ‘Not to defend what they did entirely but…’ he shrugged lifting his eyes up to the ceiling, ‘I just think, if I had to choose, maybe it would be better not to know, so I could enjoy the time I had with my parents. Even when that time is business tutorials or soap opera stories.’ he smiled at Patrick, knowing he knew that David appreciated his parents, ‘Without thinking the whole time it was...well.’

Patrick nodded slowly, ‘Baseball.’ he said, David threw him a questioning look, ‘Your Dad earlier, we talked about how my last conversation with my Dad was about baseball.’ Patrick looked up at David, ‘He said he’d much rather his last conversation with you was about baseball than some you know dramatic goodbye. I did of course point out that he’d have to teach you about baseball for that to happen.’

David snorted, ‘And what did he say to that suggestion?’ he’d expected a sassy retort- either from Patrick or relayed from his Dad. Instead Patrick looked down, looking thoughtful again. ‘Patrick?’ 

‘He um.’ Patrick hadn’t anticipated this being what tipped him over the edge, ‘He said maybe that’s what he has me for now.’ he lifted his eyes unsure what David’s reaction would be. 

‘Quite right too.’ David said with a half smile. He couldn’t explain what it meant to him to have someone his Dad thought of so highly, who his Dad had brought into their family without any question or even second thought. He wiped at his eyes. When he looked up he realised Patrick was crying, a sort of quiet sniffle as he wiped at his own face. 

‘Hey it’s not that bad being adopted by Johnny Rose is it?’ David attempted humour felt like it misfired, as Patrick hiccuped and doubled over hiding his face in the bear. David reached over and rubbed a hand on his back. ‘Hey, what’s Bertie done to deserve your snot on him?’ he asked, and felt Patrick laugh while still crying into the bear. He straightened up, still crying and handed the bear to David, who dutifully put him in his lap, scooting a bit closer, so their knees were touching, and he could reach out and rest his hands on the outside of Patrick’s thighs. Touching him to let him know he was there, sensing he didn’t want, or couldn’t handle anything more intense than that touch right now. He was exhausted, he could tell. He imagined part of him wanted to yell, or cry or something but as he leaned out a bit to look at him, he just looked drained. Patrick reached down and covered his hands with his own for a moment, before resting them back in his lap. David let him sit a while longer, letting him work through whatever he was thinking. 

Patrick was grateful for David's quiet silence. It was something he was good at, something other people might not guess, but he had an astute ability to predict when people- or at least when he- needed a moment of quiet. He wiped at his eyes again and glanced towards the window. The sun was setting and it was hazy and orange out there. The same view he’d looked at all his life- his parents had only ever lived here- and nothing much changed in that view. He felt David run his thumbs over his thighs, gently bringing him back. 

‘What is it?’ he heard David say, again knowing the right amount of time to wait it out before pushing. 

‘I think I’m a terrible person David.’ Patrick said without turning back to look at him. 

‘I think I can categorically say that’s not true.’ David said, reaching a hand up to Patrick’s shoulder and rubbing his hand over it. ‘But why?’ he already thought he knew the answer, but again he had to let him lead them to it. 

‘I would have stayed if I’d know.’ he said slowly, still looking out of the window. Imagining for a moment what that would have looked like. His old job, old life, old relationship. Maybe even back in this old room for some of it. 

David tightened his grip subconsciously. That wasn’t a timeline he wanted to think about either. 

‘I would have stayed here. If they’d told me. If they’d found out a month earlier. If I’d left a month later. I would have known, and I would have stayed.’ he finally looked at David, ‘And when I realised that I was so relieved I didn’t know. David how can I say that? How can I be so selfish to say that?’ 

David took a breath and pushed away every part of him that couldn’t stand to consider that version of his life. ‘Now you listen to me.’ he said firmly, draping his hands around Patrick’s neck in the familiar way he always did, running one hand up the back of his neck, ‘He wanted you to be happy. I am not a parent, for which I think we can thank all the Gods, but it’s my understanding that’s the most important thing when you have kids, that they’re happy.’ he leaned in and kissed him lightly, ‘Have you been happy Patrick?’ he whispered. 

‘Yes.’ Patrick managed as tears started to fall again, feeling the weight of David’s forehead against his. 

‘Then I promise you that’s what your Dad wanted.’ he leaned down and kissed him again, firmer this time, trying to assure him it was ok to feel, whatever this was. Patrick kissed him back, his hands coming up to David’s cheeks holding him still even when they pulled apart. 

‘I hope he knew how happy I was. I am’ Patrick said with a sniff. 

Something occurred to David in that second. He pulled back, a little too quickly. ‘Sorry.’ he muttered ‘Just wait a…’ he pulled his phone from his pocket. Patrick frowned at him, but didn’t question it. 

‘Alexis sent me these, this week I was going to...anyway hold on, hold on.’ he was scrolling through his phone. ‘Here,’ he said, handing Patrick the phone to show him a picture. 

Patrick’s eyes widened and he brought a hand up to his mouth. The picture should have been, he guessed of him and David dancing at his Birthday party. But Alexis- or Ted maybe, had managed to get them only in the periphery of the shot. Instead what he was looking at was a picture of his Mom and Dad watching them dance, his Dad with the biggest smile. It was a smile he recognised, from baseball games, from debate team matches, from his graduation...it was pride as much as happiness. Hot tears fell onto David’s phone. 

‘Sorry.’ he said, wiping at his face. ‘Sorry. That’s... ‘ he looked up at David. 

‘That’s a Dad who was happy his Son was happy.’ David said his face serious, Patrick sensed there was more. ‘Patrick I’m not saying what they did was right. I’m not saying I wouldn’t want to know, I can’t know...but think of what they gave you, as much as what they took away. I don’t know if it balances out but…’

Patrick nodded. ‘It more than balances out.’ 

David nodded. 

‘David I…’ he looked at his boyfriend helplessly now.

‘What do you need?’ he asked. In that moment David would have done anything he could to try and take one bit of the pain away. 

Patrick looked blank, and shrugged, rubbing at his face before locking eyes with David again. He did the only thing he could think of at that moment and kissed him. Pulling him into him clinging on while he kissed him deeply. They pulled back and David locked eyes with him.

‘Yeah?’ he asked. 

‘Please.’ Patrick said, a tone of desperation slipping in. David nodded. Leaning back in to kiss him. Keeping it slow, trying not to repeat earlier. He pulled Patrick closer to him, wrapping an arm around his back. He reached up a hand to his cheek as he kissed him, just to hold him steady. He felt Patrick pull back sharply, and in the same instant heard a strangled sound escaping him. It took a second to register he was crying, not crying so much as a heaving set of dry sobs he realised. He pulled back and tried to register whatever was going on there. 

‘Sorry. David, I can’t I mean.’ he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t cry properly, he couldn’t do anything. It was the moment David’s rings had touched his face, he’d got a perfect flashback of their first date, and the thought of never having that had hit him. ‘I don’t, I mean I can’t.’

‘Come here. Just come here.’ David said, pulling him into his chest and holding on. ‘I got you.’ he ran his hand over Patrick’s back until his breathing steadied. 

A little while later they made their way downstairs. It was quiet now with everyone having gone. There was noise from the kitchen, the radio and a clattering of pans. David trailed behind Patrick, suddenly feeling awkward. Worrying how this might play out. 

‘Leave that Mom we’ll do it tomorrow’ Patrick said as they got into the kitchen. 

‘It’s almost done.’ Marcy said smiling at them when she turned around, ‘Are you hungry, I could heat up something?’

‘Actually I thought we could order Chinese food?’ Patrick said getting out his phone, ‘It’s one thing we don’t have close by at home and I know David misses it.’ 

‘I have been known to threaten to sell the Store for an egg roll.’ David said. ‘Also Jewish tradition- you don’t cook on the day of a funeral, or around it actually. Shiva. People bring you food. Like usually relatives, people from Synagogue I guess, I dunno we’re a sort of half and half situation so I know some things not everything. We did it for my Grandma sort of-’ David was aware he was rambling and Patrick stilled him with a hand on his arm. ‘But also I’d kill for an egg roll.’ he shrugged. 

‘If it’s alright he stays a bit, for dinner I mean’ Patrick was suddenly feeling like an awkward teenager. He felt David’s arm across his shoulder and caught his Mom smiling up at David. ‘What?’ Patrick asked. 

‘Your Mom already invited me to stay over.’ David explained. ‘Unless you and Bertie need the bed to yourself?’

Patrick glared at him as his Mom laughed. ‘That old thing!’ she exclaimed, ‘You know his Dad got it from collecting coupons on tea bags! It was free, all the toys we bought him as a boy and that’s the one he loved.’ 

David dipped his head and buried it in Patrick’s hair for a second. Sensing something was up, Patrick reached an arm across his waist. David straightened up ‘That’s really lovely.’ he said ‘Sorry I’m being stupid. Just my family growing up wasn’t...like they are now, and the thought of someone doing something so cute like that is.’ he detangled himself and fanned at his face ‘God, sorry, I’m being an idiot.’ 

‘Why don’t you sit down while Patrick orders.’ she said kindly, ‘Let me make you some tea. It’s been a long day for all of us.’ 

David smiled gratefully, sitting, Patrick planting a kiss on his head before grabbing a take-out menu from the fridge and heading into the hallway. They soon heard him speaking as Marcy gathered cups and boiled a kettle. 

‘He says you never used to drink tea.’ she said, arranging the mugs.

‘He converted me.’ David said with a smile. ‘Probably a good influence instead of my espresso habit...not that anywhere makes a decent one at home.’ Marcy nodded and leaned on the counter while the kettle boiled. ‘He’s ok.’ David said ‘I think.’ he shrugged. 

‘I’ll talk to him.’ Marcy said. 

‘Maybe not today?’ David suggested ‘I think he’s a bit…’ he shrugged again ‘Maybe you both need to just get through the day.’ he finished just as Patrick re-appeared. 

‘20 minutes.’ he said, sitting down at the table. ‘Which is about how long David can go without eating.’ he joked. Sensing Patrick deliberately trying to shift the mood he played along. 

‘Did you tell your Mom about the time the Italian place in Elmdale brought everyone’s dinner but mine?’ he asked, and Patrick laughed, launching into a story that involved two of his favorite things- David being hangry and David getting his clothes dirty, involving a large bowl of pasta. By the time the food arrived they’d settled into easy chatter about the Store and the various ‘characters’ of home- turns out Patrick’s Mom was particularly fond of a Roland story. 

After they ate, and despite Marcy’s protests, David offered to clean up and Patrick and his Mom headed into the living room. He could hear them speaking softly but couldn’t make out the conversation. On his way back in he caught what Marcy was saying.

‘He’d have liked it though right?’ 

‘Of course he would Mom.’ Patrick replied quietly. David smiled to himself sadly. He went into the Living room carrying two mugs of tea he’d just made. 

‘I know we might have all had enough tea for one day, but also I know Patrick thinks there’s no such thing’ he said lightly. Setting them down on the table. Patrick was in one corner of the sofa and his Mom in the adjoining chair. ‘I’m, uh going to head upstairs, maybe shower before bed if that’s ok- long drive in the car this morning you know.’ he flailed his arms a bit. It wasn’t subtle he knew but he wanted to give them some space. 

Patrick smiled up at him knowing what he was doing. ‘I’ll be up soon.’ he said. 

‘Take your time.’ David said. He was about to go when Patrick caught his hand. He nodded at him. ‘Goodnight Mrs-Marcy.’ he said with a soft smile, before getting his own tea from the kitchen and heading upstairs. 

Patrick and his Mom drank their tea in silence for a bit. This was the first real pause either of them had all day. 

‘Patrick.’ she began. 

He shook his head ‘We don’t need to talk about it now.’ he said quietly then looked over at her ‘maybe we shouldn’t. Not today anyway.’

She nodded. It had been a long day. And she knew her son, and she knew he needed time to think about things before he was ready to talk about them. Sometimes a bit too long she reasoned. ‘Ok.’ she said ‘I’d like to talk, before you go home again.’ she was putting her foot down. 

‘Yeah, yeah we will.’ he said. ‘I’ll stay for the weekend ok?’

She nodded ‘That’d be nice.’ she knew he had a life to get back to, but she also knew taking this pause at home was something he’d need. ‘Are you ok Patrick?’ she asked evenly. 

He looked at his tea for a moment. ‘No?’ he said with a shrug. He caught his Mom smiling. ‘What?’ he frowned. 

‘Two years ago you never would have admitted to being not ok.’ she said. She pushed herself up out of her seat and crossed to the sofa to sit next to him. He rested his head on her shoulder. 

‘Are you ok Mom?’ he asked. 

‘No sweetheart I’m not.’ she said, and finally for the first time all day Marcy let herself cry. Patrick sat up, and pulled his Mom towards him, wrapping both arms around her and resting his head on hers. 

‘We’ll be ok Mom, I promise.’ he said. ‘I promise I’ll take care of you ok?’ 

She sniffed into his shirt then and sat up. Still crying a bit but fixed him with her stern gaze. ‘You’re not stopping your life to look after me Patrick.’ she said ‘I’ll be fine. You’ve got your life to live now, you understand.’ 

He nodded at her. ‘Ok.’ he said. ‘But I miss you.’

She nodded, and softly started to cry again. He wrapped an arm around her and handed her the tea. They sat quietly for a while. Letting the day settle in. Eventually she turned to him and said ‘Bed.’ in her best Mom voice. 

‘It’s barely 10!’ he protested, reverting as he had for the last few days, to his teenage self. 

‘Go on.’ she said, ‘You’re exhausted, and poor David has sat in your room alone long enough.’

‘Poor David is probably already asleep.’ Patrick quipped, ‘He could make sleeping an olympic sport.’ knowing though he would be anxiously waiting for him to come up he nodded. ‘But ok, if you promise you’re going to bed too.’

‘I’m asleep on my feet.’ she said ‘I’ll be up soon.’

He nodded, and leaned over and kissed her cheek ‘Love you Mom.’ he said his voice catching a bit. 

‘Goodnight.’ she said ‘Love you too.’ 

David was curled up on his bed, reading, when Patrick got back upstairs. He’d changed into pajamas, and had the blanket from the end of the bed wrapped over his legs. It was so familiar an image- David curled up in bed reading, that for a second he felt like he was just coming back home after an evening out, finding David waiting for him. It was a stupid moment to realise it that once again, he always wanted to come home and find David waiting for him. He smiled in spite of everything just as David looked up. 

‘What?’ he said with a frown. 

‘You.’ Patrick said honestly, and moved to crawl into bed. David held up a hand. 

‘Change.’ He said ‘Now. Otherwise you’ll half fall asleep in that.’ 

Patrick rolled his eyes, but conceded he was right. He rummaged in a drawer and found his own pajamas. He had already run out of clothes he’d brought home and was into whatever was still at home. And he saw David’s laugh as he put on a giant t-shirt with his flannel pants. 

‘This was cool when I bought it.’ he said. ‘And you know I was 20 years younger and 20 pounds lighter…’ 

‘I have seen the pictures of skinny teenage Patrick and his giant clothes’ David teased nodding at the framed pictures on the dresser ‘And twenty-something skinny Patrick with that hair.’

‘Firstly, I’ve seen your yearbook picture so we are in no place to judge.’ Patrick said, finally getting into bed next to him ‘Secondly, shut up.’ 

David kissed him. Then looked serious. ‘You’re gorgeous. I’d have been attracted to you at any age.’ he said ‘But I’m also glad you lost that hair.’ 

‘Better than The Fringe David.’ Patrick said teasing. Glad of the familiar back and forth. ‘What you reading?’ he asked. David flicked the cover towards him. Brideshead Revisited. He smiled. David had also clearly jumped ahead in the book as he was somewhere in the middle. Starting at his favourite part maybe. Patrick leaned over and opened the book to where David was holding it and scanned the page. ‘Venice’ he said with a smile figuring out the section from a quick scan. 

‘One of the best bits’ David said with a fond smile. He wasn’t sure why but finding a shared favourite book made him feel even closer to his boyfriend. Knowing they’d both read it as young men, taking what generations had from this book too, made him sad and comforted in equal measure. He lifted an arm and Patrick scooted under, he held onto the book reading for a second too. Remembering the comfort it brought him without really knowing why. David seemed to sense when he got to the end of the page and closed the book. ‘How’s your Mom?’

‘Ok.’ Patrick said ‘Well as ok...actually no. We’re not ok, either of us.’ he dropped his gaze down and moved his hand slowly in circles on David’s stomach, tracing the soft fabric of his t-shirt. ‘She said I wouldn’t have admitted that two years ago.’ he could feel David watching him but he carried on talking, ‘Anyway she’s going to bed, it’s weird, what do you do at the end of the day right? Do you sit and watch TV that seems weird...I mean she looks exhausted so…’ he looked up

David pulled back just enough to look at him and raise an eyebrow. 

‘Alright I’m aware I’m probably not looking my best either.’ 

David took a moment to genuinely look at his boyfriend. He was pale- more so than usual- with dark circles under his eyes. He hadn’t noticed earlier but he was more clean shaven than usual, which made him look younger, and right now even more almost vulnerable. He didn’t have a witty answer for him so he just smiled softly and kissed him. 

‘Wow I must look like crap then.’ Patrick smiled, desperately trying to keep things a little light- he could feel the exhaustion creeping in as he lay there, and if he let his thoughts stray too darkly at this point he knew he’d be in for a rough night. 

‘Never’ David smiled, sensing Patrick didn’t need him to ask after him right now, or push that he was worried about him. He leaned down and kissed him again. Patrick rolled into him and looped a hand around the back of his head, pulling him into a kiss. It started off soft, feeling like a kind of apology, but it morphed into something deeper, filled with need and a kind of aching. David reciprocated, trying to communicate back in a strange way that he understood, he reached a hand up to Patrick’s cheek pulling him in close as they kissed. 

Patrick pulled back, ‘Can we…’ he asked not sure where they stood after this afternoon, or indeed the last week, the last time had been Thanksgiving night and that had felt like a fluke after everything before that. ‘I think I need…’

David nodded, ‘I got you.’ he promised, and kissed him softly ‘Take it slow yeah?’ Patrick nodded, ‘And maybe quiet, I’m not sure your Mom needs to hear…’

Patrick chuckled, he felt like a teenager. Although teenage him had never come close to anything like this. He thought for a moment about all those years, in this room. If he’d only known then what he knew now. David must have caught his expression, because he tilted Patrick’s head up using the hand still cupping his cheek with a silent ‘what?’. Patrick looked down and felt David’s thumb gently across his cheek. 

‘Just thinking.’ he said ‘my childhood bedroom...all those years…’

‘Ooh if these walls could talk.’ David said, trying to lighten things a bit. ‘Mine would take out a non disclosure agreement.’

Patrick chuckled at that as well, then grew serious again. ‘These wouldn’t have much to say.’ he said ‘I guess I was just thinking about all I didn’t know...all I was scared of.’ he exhaled. He tried not to think of it like that, but sometimes it crept in. David kissed his forehead. 

‘Nobody has it figured out then.’ he said ‘Believe me, you also didn’t miss much, teenage sex is not one to be remembered, like the act itself best over quickly.’ 

Patrick smiled at him glad of his reassurance, even if maybe it wasn’t strictly true, even if really he wished he’d had those years of experimentation. 

‘Well I guess it is a lot better now.’ he said, trying to play into David’s lighthearted game. 

‘Mmm hmm’ David said leaning in again and kissing him slowly, ‘Why don’t we try and prove that theory?’ he kissed Patrick again pushing a bit harder taking the lead, sensing he needed him to do that right now. He ran a hand down Patrick’s arm and around to his back as he shifted slightly so he could use his hands to explore while still kissing him. 

Patrick leaned into it letting himself be led, letting David take charge. He ran a hand under David’s t-shirt feeling his chest, looping around to his back and pulling himself in. They fell into an easy steady, make out session for a few minutes, David driving it but holding back enough to ease them in. He felt Patrick’s kisses get more urgent, more hungry and he let them go up a notch, starting to let his hands wander more, tried and tested touches, while Patrick did the same. Soon they were peeling off shirts and pants and entwining legs. 

Patrick reached for David in every sense. He could feel the need in him again growing, the sense of just wanting to be consumed by something, anything and him. It was a different feeling to the passionate ‘need to have you now’ that was far more familiar. It was like an ache, and no matter how deeply he kissed him how much he felt his body against his, nothing quite touched. David was meeting him with it now though returning frantic kisses, and touching him, running a hand over his thighs, round to his ass, all the tried and tested ways, familiar but with a kind of longing in both of them. 

David sensed things building, and despite the voice in his head telling him to slow down, that Parick didn’t know what he needed, that this was in danger of spinning out of control, he leaned in, gave him what he wanted, met him at the same level of frantic energy. The passionate kisses led to a rougher, needier push and pull, with grabs and bites and a quiet, slightly manic energy. Lean in he told himself, you can give him what he needs. 

‘Please.’ Patrick whispered into his neck while grabbing at his back and pulling him in like he wanted to absorb all of him. 

‘Ok.’ David said going in for another deep kiss, reaching a hand down between Patrick’s legs. He moved his hand slowly, trying to slow the roll they were on a little, steady them both before moving things up a gear. Patrick leaned into him, gripping his shoulder and continuing to kiss him deeply. David worked his hand, using his fingers to guide the pressure, using exactly the way Patrick liked. He worked a bit faster hearing Patrick’s breathing get a bit ragged, he slowed a bit working his hand up and down, he went to reach his other hand down, move Patrick’s legs apart when on one stroke up he felt him soften in his hand. He paused. Patrick stopped moving against him, breathing heavily at his neck. 

‘Did you…’ David began. 

‘Um no. I…fuck I’m sorry David I’m sorry.’ 

‘Oh. Ok...it’s ok…’

‘I’m sorry...I...sorry.’ 

‘Come here come…’

David sighed as Patrick rolled away from him. He waited a beat before rolling after him and wrapping himself around him. 

‘We will have none of that Patrick Brewer.’ he said sternly, kissing his neck. Then softly ‘I love you. It’s ok.’ he found Patrick’s hand and intertwined their fingers. Relieved when Patrick squeezed back. 

Patrick bit his lip. He couldn’t answer. He was, he didn’t know, embarrassed? Ashamed? Confused? Everything. And here was David being so good. So nice. On cue David looped a leg over him and pulled him closer. He didn’t speak, he just held him. He ran it over in his mind. He felt slightly sick. Embarrassed for sure. But also a tight feeling in his chest. What did David really think? That was what two? Three times something had happened when they’d tried to...what was he going to think. Darkly in the back of his mind he also reminded himself this wasn’t the first time either. And the memories of that overwhelmed him a bit as he tried to shut them down. 

David understood better than anyone how a fucked up mental state also fucked up your sex drive. He also understood the impulses behind what Patrick wanted, and the way his body was responding. He’d been there, desperate for some kind of physical contact to dull whatever he was feeling. In his case he’d used various chemical stimulants and a string of meaningless partners and it had worked out in the empty physical stakes. But it was more complicated for Patrick, he was grieving and wanted to take the pain away. But his body, for whatever complex reasons was disconnecting with his mind, or maybe over-connecting David wasn’t clear on the science. And the fact that he was doing all this layered with possibly some complicated things he wasn’t even conscious of in relation to all he’d gone through with his parents so recently...its was messy at best. And all they could do was ride it out. 

Patrick gripped David’s hand a little too tightly. This was a mess. He was desperate for David’s touch, for the release it was going to bring him and his body had let him down. What was worse was the nagging thought that came with it. That he’d been having since the Motel last week too. He knew he had to say it. 

‘David.’ he whispered, not really trusting his voice, and glad he was looking away right now. David hmmed a response to show he was listening ‘It’s happened before. I mean it used to happen…’ he sighed. ‘I’m sorry.’ he said his voice a whisper now. 

David understood. He tightened his grip again. ‘It’s not the same I promise’ he said, stroking a hand down Patrick’s arm. ‘Hey, come here ok?’ he said rolling back so Patrick could turn and look at him, which he did. His eyes were wide and a bit scared. David reached up and touched his cheek. ‘I’m no biologist ok?’ He started, ‘But I’ve had a lot of sex and a lot of therapy.’ that earned him a weak smile from Patrick, who scooted in a bit closer, ‘What I think is, your body is processing trauma in a way your mind isn’t...there’s a kind of disconnect there. Right now there’s a lot going on in both...there’s your Dad, and there’s us in your teenage bedroom...you should never have had to process both those at the same time.’ he looked down checking Patrick was still with him ‘Your body is exhausted too, the physical impact of all this, of travel, of no sleep...look I’m surprised you can walk let alone…’ he smiled kindly, ‘it’s not your fault, and it doesn’t mean anything about us I promise you.’

‘I feel so stupid’ he said softly. Dropping his gaze. He felt David’s hand on his cheek again, pulling his head up. 

‘I’m here.’ he said, reaching up to wipe at his cheeks, where tears had started again without him even noticing ‘I’m here.’

It wasn’t a deep cry. It felt like it barely scratched the surface, just a tiny release of...something. It was over really before it began, but David’s kind touch still pulled at his chest. He felt like there was something trapped in there, something he was trying to get at but couldn’t. He let the tears fall unchecked, he didn’t have the energy to fight any of it. David continued to wipe them away, muttering softly that it was ok, he was here. Patrick didn’t really register any of the words, he just lay there trying not to feel for just a second. 

They lay there together for a while, Patrick closed his eyes after a bit, and just let himself feel nothing for a bit. David rested a hand on his neck and continued to occasionally mutter reassuring words at him. After a while he ran his thumb over Patrick’s cheek. 

‘Hey.’ he said, waiting for Patrick to open his eyes ‘I’ve got a...suggestion, just hear me out ok? No obligation.’ 

Patrick frowned at him but nodded. David pulled himself up and rolled over so he could lean out of the bed and to his bag. David leaned over to his bag, and pulled out a small ziplock with a handful of pills in it. He looked down at it hoping this went the way he intended. 

‘Look I know this isn’t your usual approach but for tonight…’ he showed Patrick ‘Sleeping pills, just normal ones not like full on horse tranquilizers or anything. I think it’ll help.’ he took a breath braced for Patrick’s reaction to his illicit gains ‘They’re my Mom’s. She knows. It was her idea.’ 

‘Well at least you didn’t steal horse tranquilizers from Ted.’ Patrick quipped. He ran a hand over the bag. Genuinely touched by the, albeit unusual gesture. As strange as it was, it was one filled with love. He could have protested. But his body hurt with tiredness. And he longed for one night of just...nothing, of sleep. He nodded. ‘Ok. Yeah. Thank you David.’ he said. 

David nodded, exhaling. Glad it had been taken in the spirit it was intended. 

‘You only need one.’ he said handing the bag over. ‘But I’ll leave the rest here so…’

He trailed off and Patrick nodded ‘Thank your Mom for me too.’ that was an odd thing to be thanking your boyfriend’s Mom for ‘thanks for the narcotics’ David nodded. They busied themselves getting ready for bed, and he watched Patrick take the pill. It wasn’t lost on him what a concession that was on his part. That giving up of control- literally to medication, but also accepting David’s help. Looking at him David could see the deep exhaustion etched on his face. He may well have slept tonight, the day having taken it out of him, but the cumulative exhaustion was something he’d have to deal with. A decent night’s sleep was a start. He nodded a silent thanks to David before pulling the covers out and getting into bed. David held up an arm as a silent invitation and Patrick scooted over and into him. A reversal of their usual positions, David gladly wrapped his arms around him as they settled down. The lamp was on David’s side so he leaned over and flicked it out. Settling back down he felt Patrick burrow into him a bit, then shift his head. He could sense he was trying to say something. 

‘I know.’ he said, running a hand over his hair. ‘I know.’ 

Patrick just burrowed in a little deeper as the drugs started to take hold. Concentrating on David’s steady heartbeat under him until he drifted off. 

Fifteen years later

It had been four days since they got home and Patrick had watched David clean every inch of the house. Every cupboard had its contents taken out and re-arranged. The Store had been deep cleaned, and every shelf re-arranged. And now he was cooking. 

‘We could just order in.’ Patrick said while he watched the kitchen counters fill up with ingredients ‘Pizza?’ 

David shook his head. ‘I’ve started now. Besides the meat needs using.’ 

Patrick nodded, and left him to it. Going into the living room and out of the way, having learned from previous cooking encounters to stay out of the way. And also that this was David’s way of asking for space. So he let him cook. And clean the kitchen afterwards. He sat on the sofa processing some invoices- they were behind after spending so long away last week, and he got absorbed in it. So much so he didn’t realise it had been far longer than it should have been for David to clean the kitchen. And that everything was quiet. He should be able to hear whatever clattering about David was doing. It was usually a reassuring sound that he was occupied. Silence was more concerning. Patrick shut the laptop and put it on the table and headed into the kitchen. 

Everything looked normal. The kitchen was clean. There were two mugs set next to the kettle with milk next to them ready for tea. And David was sat, in the far corner of the room, huddled on the floor, knees up to his chest, head buried in his folded arms. Patrick stopped, taking a second. He felt the kettle. Still hot. He flicked it on to reboil. Poured it on the tea. Flicking his eyes to David every now and then. If he’d moved, he didn’t see it. He made tea. Took it to the far corner and lowered himself to the floor, placing the two mugs down on the floor. 

‘You know I’d just come and make the tea myself if you’d asked’ Patrick said. Then leaned his head on David’s shoulder. ‘But we can drink it down here if you like.’ 

David didn’t answer. Instead he sat up a bit and opened his hands. In it Patrick could see a small teacup, the handle in David’s left hand, the body of it in the right. ‘I found it in the back of the cupboard.’ he said through sniffles. ‘It’s stupid but…’

Patrick leaned over and took it from him. It was a clean break. Just the handle. ‘Hold on.’ he said, pulling himself up again. 

‘No look it’s stupid I-’

‘Did I say hold on?’ Patrick said kindly, ‘or did I say hold on?’ he was rummaging in the drawer next to the fridge. ‘Ah ha!’ he said, retrieving what he’d come for and sitting down again. He fixed the cup between his knees, feeling David’s eyes on him, and unscrewed the small tube of glue he’d retrieved, holding the lid in his teeth. Putting a small among on the handle he held it down in place. They both sat while Patrick counted to 100 in his head then let go. It held. He held it up. ‘Not quite as good as new, but I think it was fairly ancient to begin with.’ he said. ‘But, it’ll survive.’ he looked at it for a bit, the red floral pattern of it not faded despite it being at least 20 years old. ‘Why don’t we put it in the office. We can use it as a pen pot or something. Keep it safe.’ 

David nodded. ‘Thanks.’ he said. 

Patrick smiled. ‘You married me for my craft skills. I'm well aware.’ he smiled. 

‘It’s stupid.’ he said. ‘It’s just a mug.’ 

‘You know what’s stupid?’ Patrick mused, ‘I remember it, the first time we really spoke. When I went to the Town Hall for some paperwork and she cornered me, the day she invited me to an ill-fated barbeque’ he nudged David playfully, more than enough time had passed to joke about that now. ‘And she said ‘you see him, like nobody else has.’ and I said ‘I think I might.’’ he put the mug down and reached an arm around David. ‘And then she told me three long stories about Soap Actors I had never heard of.’ David laughed, he could see it clearly. He could remember that day, the conversation he had next, so clearly. 

‘That boy sees you’ he heard in his head. He’d heard it a thousand times, in his head, and since from his Mom. Whenever he thought of his love for Patrick he remembered her words. And he heard them now, as if she was there. And it sent him over the edge again. He leaned into Patrick, who she’d been so right about. And sobbed, rising up from nothing and immediately all consuming. He felt Patrick’s arms around him immediately letting him ride it out. As he had done for two weeks now. Whenever, with increasing frequency, he’d needed it. This time it didn’t last long. Perhaps through sheer exhaustion. But he stayed with his head in Patrick’s lap a while longer, while he ran a steadying hand over his back. 

‘I just want my Mom back.’ he said softly. 

It was so simple a sentiment. But it was the one that finally broke any resolve Patrick had left. He’d kept it together, breaking down in private, or on Stevie hiding in the storeroom at the Store. Or out ‘on a run’ calling his Mom. He’d not let David see how much losing Moira had got to him too. Or how much seeing his husband stripped raw from grief was killing him to watch. He put a hand to his mouth to try and stifle the sob that escaped but it was too late. David heard, and sat up, startled by the noise, then immediately shaking his head his eyebrows knitting together as he pulled his husband into a tight hug. He felt him shake under him, in a way he’d only seen a handful of times in nearly 20 years together. He remembered the first time, after Patrick’s father had died, when he’d finally given in and let himself feel it, and he realised how much he must have been holding it together this last week for him. How he’d held him on the floor then too. How like now, he had no words that helped, that helped either of them. So he just wrapped himself around Patrick and held him. 

Patrick sobbed and held onto David’s sweater. ‘I’m sorry David.’ Patrick managed to choke out as David straightened up to pull him towards him into an embrace ‘I just want her back too.’ 

David nodded at him, letting out a small sigh. He pulled himself to his feet and pulled his exhausted husband up after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously taking pharmaceutical advice from a Rose is never good so don't experiment with sleeping pills following David's lead. 
> 
> Brideshead Revisited is one of my favourite books and do read it if you haven't. I always wanted to name my kid Aloysius, which is probably a good reason I shouldn't have any. 
> 
> Hopefully Marcy and Clint's motivations are clear here, based somewhat (but not totally on my experience) it came from a good place. 
> 
> Thank you everyone who is reading this. The comments have made me cry many times. I'm glad this connects with people, however painful I hope there's also comfort in it. I never do this, and I'll edit it off at some point, but for this story, if anyone needs to talk/connect in 'real space' I'm EmiGarside on Twitter. (and if you already know me, just pretend you don't maybe...idk)


	8. Keeping Time With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after the funeral David gets some time alone with Marcy and Patrick before he has to go home. And Patrick and his Mom face some of what's been brewing between them.

Fifteen Years later

Patrick would curse his decision to go on a coffee run at that precise moment for years to come. He knew, in reality he had no way to know. He’d been gone less than five minutes. But if he’d waited ten minutes. Gone five minutes earlier. He’d have been there. 

David wouldn’t normally have picked up an unknown number on his phone. But he’d been waiting to hear on a new supplier and given them his personal number as well as the Store number. And given he was alone while Patrick got coffee, he’d picked up. 

‘Is that David Brewer-Rose?’ an unfamiliar voice asked. Odd, he’d thought, most Store related calls just called him ‘Rose’ 

‘Yes?’ he said. 

‘Mr Brewer-Rose, my name is Dr Fletcher from Sloane medical centre. Your Father Johnathan Rose was brought in earlier this morning.’

David inhaled and gripped onto the counter. 

‘I’m very sorry Mr Brewer-Rose, he had a heart attack. It was very severe, and he didn’t make it. He died around 30 minutes ago. The team did everything they could.’ 

David couldn’t speak. His whole body went cold. He knew he should speak but he couldn’t. Luckily at that moment, Patrick walked back in, cheerily carrying coffee and half-shouting something to him before making an apologetic gesture realising he was on the phone. 

‘Hello? The doctor was saying ‘Mr Brewer-Rose?’

‘I um ah hold on um’ David locked eyes with Patrick and he saw his husband see the panic there. He held out the phone ‘Please.’ he managed 

Patrick assumed David was talking to the vendor he’d been waiting on calling. He hadn’t realised he was on the phone when he’d shouted out something really inappropriate about Twyla’s love life. But something in David’s expression stopped him dead and made his blood run cold. He hurried to the counter and took the phone off him. 

‘Hello?’ he said. 

‘Hello?’ an unfamiliar voice replied ‘I was speaking to Mr Brewer-Rose about his father.’

‘His father?’ Patrick felt his blood run cold and he hurried behind the desk to where David stood ‘I’m Patrick Brewer-Rose, David’s husband, you can speak to me about it.’ he reached for his husband, pulling him to him with a hand around his waist. He wasn’t sure who he was trying to hold up. 

‘As I was explaining to your husband.’ the Doctor continued ‘Mr Rose was brought in this morning, he’d had a heart attack. I’m very sorry to say he didn’t survive.’ at that point Patrick knew it was coming. But nothing prepared him for hearing the words out loud. He clung on to David who he heard make the tiny noise he always made before he cried, and Patrick clung onto the counter to support himself. Get through the next 30 seconds he told himself.

‘Can we call someone at your hospital back?’ Patrick asked evenly, ‘I need to call Mr Rose’s daughter, and speak with my husband.’ his tone was even but he was just about hanging on. His voice cracked on ‘husband’

‘Of course.’ the Doctor said ‘If you call back on this number you’ll get through to the switchboard. I’m Doctor Fletcher, there’s only one of me so they’ll find me.’

‘Thank you Doctor.’ Patrick said. ‘I’ll call back later.’

‘Very sorry for your husband’s loss.’ the Doctor said ‘And yours. If it helps, he didn’t suffer.’

‘Thank you.’ Patrick said and hung up. He took a second to steady himself against David. Who seemed to have slipped into a momentary almost catatonic state. ‘Stay there a sec yeah?’ he said, easing himself off. He went back to the door, flipped the sign to closed and locked it. He looked up to find David looking at him, slightly puzzled. 

‘What?’ Patrick said quietly. 

‘We were.’ he cleared his throat, ‘We were the other way around when you told me about your Dad. Me over there. With the tomatoes.’ he rolled his eyes ‘I just remembered is all.’

Patrick gave him a sad little smile, and hurried to his side, sensing he had just seconds before David broke, or before he did. He was right, the weight of David on him fell with a force as he made it behind the counter. He didn’t even try to hold them up, just let them both slide down to the floor so he could lean on the counter and scoop David into his lap while he cried. 

Friday Morning, fifteen years earlier. 

There was light creeping in when David woke up. He glanced over at his phone, it was nearly six. Far too early to be awake, but not a totally unreasonable hour. But he was wide awake. Patrick was curled up on his side facing the window. He was snoring lightly so clearly deep asleep. David was relieved, at least a decent night’s sleep would help a little. He rolled himself out of bed and grabbed a sweater from his bag. He turned back to the bed to rearrange the covers and looked properly at Patrick. 

He was curled on his side, with Bertie the bear tucked under his chin, his arms clinging onto him. The sight of it was almost too much. His stoic, organised, in control boyfriend curled up with his teddy bear. He loved him so much in that moment. For letting him see that. David pulled the covers, which had slipped down nearly to Patrick’s waist on his side, up and over his shoulders. He found himself pulling them down around Bertie’s face. Just in case the bear needed air. He rolled his eyes at himself. Imagining what his boyfriend would say to that. Patrick hadn’t stirred, still either under the influence of the sleeping pills or his body having given in to his exhaustion at last. David reached down and kissed his cheek, smoothing his hair while he did. Patrick shifted a bit murmerig in his sleep but he didn’t stir. 

‘Love you.’ David muttered even though he wouldn’t hear. 

He went downstairs, it was getting light out which made it seem pointless going back to bed after he’d made some tea. He was wide awake, his sleep schedule had gone awry in the few days he’d been alone, and sleeping somewhere unfamiliar had no doubt not helped either. But Patrick was thankfully sound asleep, so he’d stay down here out of the way and not risk disturbing him. He tucked his legs under him on the sofa. There was a book on the coffee table and he started to flick through it. He sat quietly reading for a while.

‘He was reading that, before he went into hospital.’

David jumped at the sound of Patrick’s Mom’s voice. 

‘I’m, so sorry.’ he said puting the book down. Wincing as he almost dropped it and knocked it off the table. He scrambled to pick it up. ‘Sorry.’ he said again. 

‘Oh no don’t be.’ she said smiling kindly. ‘If you like it, take it with you. I’d much rather someone read it.’

David nodded and picked the book up again. Running a hand over the cover. The Brewers had so many books in their house, the coffee table alone had a stack of about five under it, and there were bookcases everywhere. It was strange he’d picked up this one. 

‘Can I make you some tea?’ David blurted out. It was his go-to with Patrick and it seemed the right thing to ask his Mom too. ‘I mean I’m sorry I sort of made one for me…’

‘Our home is your home David.’ she said with a smile, ‘Make all the tea you want.’ 

He smiled into his mug, embarrassed. Nobody’s parents had ever said anything like that to him before. 

‘Come on I’ll make us both some’ she said with a smile. David nodded and followed her to the kitchen, sitting while she made it. 

‘He was sleeping.’ David offered, ‘I didn’t want to wake him.’

‘I’m glad he’s getting some rest.’ she said ‘I haven’t been sleeping much either.’ she confessed. 

‘You’ve been busy too.’ David said ‘Lots to think about I guess…’ he didn’t really know where he was going with that. 

‘Kept my mind busy for sure.’ she said ‘Honestly I’ll be glad to get back to work next week.’ 

David nodded. He knew Marcy was a teacher at a local school, he could see that about her having only spent a little time in her company. ‘Routine will probably be good’ he said. 

‘That’s what I’ve said to him.’ she said with a nod upstairs ‘I know he feels like he should stay longer, but I’d send him back with you today if I thought he’d go.’ 

‘He just wants to make sure you’re ok.’ David said with a soft smile as she put the tea down in front of him ‘Thanks.’ he added. 

‘He’s very good at looking after other people.’ Marcy said with a smile, ‘Even if he puts on a front about being a bit cool about it.’ 

David smiled thinking about all the times Patrick had teased, cajoled but also ultimately looked after him. ‘I know what you mean.’ he said wrapping his hands around his mug. ‘He’s really good for me.’ he said out of nowhere. ‘I mean he’s helped me a lot.’ 

Marcy smiled. ‘I’m glad.’ she said, she paused, taking a drink of her tea, ‘for both of you.’ 

David nodded, like with her son he could sense there was more and she was just building to it.

‘I had no idea.’ she said carefully, ‘I know people always say ‘oh I always knew’ if they find out their child is gay...I didn’t. I feel guilty about it, like I could have helped. That he wouldn’t have felt like he had to hide it for so long.’ 

‘I don’t think he knew, until me, not really. From everything we’ve ever talked about anyway I don’t want to speak for him but I think it was more of an...accident, he found out too.’

‘By accident?’ Marcy asked. 

David smiled. ‘This is going to sound egotistical, which Patrick would say is entirely in character for me.’ he looked up at her over his tea, ‘But I don’t think he was looking, he just found...me.’ he shrugged ‘I mean to be honest I still don’t know what someone like him sees in someone like me but it seems to work so…’

Marcy smiled ‘Oh I don’t know.’ she said ‘I think I can see a few things.’ 

David blushed, and looked down. ‘He could also offer you a long list of insufferable things about me.’ 

‘And you about him.’

‘Well he is very competitive’ 

She chuckled. ‘David you don’t have to answer this either.’ she looked up and David was listening patiently ‘I don’t know how he went all those years just...not knowing? Being with you know…’

‘Rachel’ David smiled, ‘It’s ok, we’ve talked about all that now too.’ 

‘Did he just not know either?’ she asked. 

David thought. He’d given it a lot of thought, they’d talked about it some too. ‘I don’t know how much Patrick has talked to you about...everything now.’ David began ‘But he explained it to me like this- he told me that nothing had felt right before, that he didn’t even know what right felt like. But that with me it did.’ he took a sip of his tea and saw Marcy smile ‘I don’t mean that as an ego thing, although obviously he’s lucky to have me.’ David sensed Patrick’s Mom was similar enough to her son he could tease her in that way.

‘Well obviously.’ Marcy said with a smile. She could see why Patrick got on so well with David, everything else aside, he needed someone to bounce off and David was that person, even on his best behaviour the last day she could see that. 

‘He also told me.’ David continued ‘After our first date- which by the way I didn’t know was a date or I would have worn a better outfit’ Marcy smiled again, ‘He told me it was like- forgive me for too much information here- the first time he’d kissed anyone, and for the record that’s all we did. Very chaste, in the car. Like teenagers. God that is too much information.’ David was rambling he knew, but Marcy was smiling at him kindly, with a look not unlike the one Patrick got when he was rambling on about something, he took another sip of tea and carried on ‘And I told him that it felt like starting fresh for me too.’ he put his mug down, ‘I don’t think he really understood what I was talking about then, but like most things he sort of listens and lets me get on with, occasionally tells me what an idiot I am.’

‘He does that to me too.’ Marcy smiled. She sensed David needed to tell her this, and she was happy to listen, happy he wanted her to know. 

‘I haven’t had the best history with...relationships.’ David said quieter now more thoughtful ‘This is the longest relationship- the only real relationship I’ve ever had.’ he said carefully, hoping Patrick’s Mom didn’t judge him too harshly for it. ‘Everyone else, they, well let’s say they weren’t the best people.’ he said, ‘but Patrick from the start has been kind, and patient and loyal. He’s fought for me even when I’m not sure I deserved to be fought for...he puts up with my family, which alone deserves a medal.’

Marcy chuckled ‘I think they’re charming.’

‘Do you want to live with them?’ David said smiling. ‘The point is, he made me feel right too.’ he shrugged into his tea ‘I don’t know why I told you all that.’

‘I’m glad you did.’ Marcy said she paused looking into her tea.

David nodded. He had a feeling that Patrick and his Mom still had a lot to talk about. ‘Again, not to sound egotistical.’ David said ‘And for as many romantic comedies I make him watch, I don’t normally believe this stuff for myself, I think maybe we were just meant to find each other now.’ he shrugged ‘I don’t really know where I was going with that.’ he looked down at his tea. He felt Marcy’s hand over his. 

‘I’m glad.’ she said with tears in her eyes. David smiled at her. She glanced over at the clock ‘He’ll be waking up soon I’m sure, why don’t you take him some tea?’ 

She got up and reboiled the kettle making both a cup for Patrik and another for David. ‘I’ll get some breakfast ready in a bit.’ she said ‘Pancakes?’ David nodded a thanks before heading back upstairs. He clicked the door open and could see Patrick hadn’t moved. Something in him was warmed by that. He set the mugs down and perched himself on the bed. He leaned over and kissed Patrick’s cheek, rubbing a hand on his arm. 

‘Hey’ he said quietly as Patrick murmured softly and shifted, ‘You awake?’ 

‘Mmm’ Patrick said, flicking his eyes open and seeing David looking down at him ‘Morning’ he mumbled. David leaned over and kissed him. ‘Tea?’ he said, leaning away and appearing with a mug. Patrick frowned.

‘Ok your Mom made it.’ David made a face. Seeing Patrick about to ask when he’d ever made him tea in bed. 

‘Ah there it is.’ Patrick said sitting up, ‘Wait you were up making tea with my Mom?’ 

‘Yes and we had a lovely chat.’ David said kissing him on the cheek. 

‘I take it I won’t know what about?’ Patrick said 

‘Nope.’ David smiled sipping his tea. ‘You.’ he added. 

‘That’s what I was afraid of’ Patrick said with a smirk over his tea. They lapsed into silence for a moment. 

‘How you doing?’ David asked. 

Patrick paused. He was about to respond with an easy ‘fine’ but he knew he shouldn’t. He should be honest. ‘I forgot.’ he said ‘for the first time when I woke up I’d forgotten for a second and I feel…’ he shrugged. 

‘That must have felt…’ David didn’t have an end to that sentence, he had no idea really. 

‘Mmm’ Patrick said. 

David reached over and took his mug off him, leaning in and giving him a soft kiss. ‘How about some breakfast?’ he asked ‘I heard something about pancakes.’

Patrick smiled and reached for another kiss. ‘Well if there’s pancakes.’ he said. 

David nodded at him offering a hand to pull him up properly. He couldn’t fix a lot of things, but he could just keep him going, and if pancakes were a stop gap in that, then that’s what would do for now. 

Marcy knew the next few weeks, months maybe even years were going to be hard. On her, and her son. She also had lots of questions unanswered. She’d just been happy everything was resolved at his Birthday, and knowing how things were with his Dad, it had felt like enough. But now there was that between them- no matter how much Patrick had brushed it aside she knew he was hurt. And she knew for him too there was this gap where they had missed months of talking like they used to while he hid his new life. She knew her son too, and she knew he would push through, keep going until the reality of what happened caught up with him. She’d seen him cry, she knew he was sad. But she also knew her son, and she knew he wasn’t letting himself feel the full force of it. It wasn’t healthy. She knew she was similar but what she’d not told him about was the week his Dad had died. 

She’d known it was coming of course. For which she felt another pang of guilt. She’d had that moment with her husband where they both knew, where they said goodbye. And after that she had broken down, there was no other word for it, on her sister, right there in the car park. She’d sobbed, all but howled with grief while Karen waited, patiently with the heater running, the radio low, letting her get it out. And then, the night he’d died, she’d walked home from the hospital. After she’d told the girl at Second Cup, she’d sat on a bench as the sun came up and sobbed. The Janitor from school had found her, he was on his way into work. And he’d sat with her and let her cry. And after she’d told Patrick, in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, she’d argued with Karen like they were kids again. Screaming at each other in the kitchen over the recipe for cranberry sauce. Because Karen knew she needed it. And her brother, when he arrived, had let her bitch and shout at him for a day, before he and Karen had been there when she dropped a dinner plate and ended up sobbing on the kitchen floor. By the time her son had arrived she’d gone to the lowest point and it was only clawing back up from there. She wasn’t ok, but she knew, from losing her parents, from all the other loss over the years, she knew she could get back from here. This was the first real loss he’d felt and she worried for him. 

But still right now, as she poured coffee, there was a moment of calm. She watched David stir milk- just the right amount- into Patrick’s coffee, before adding sugar and twice as much milk into his own. And she watched Patrick put a piece of his bacon onto David’s plate. 

‘There’s more in the pan’ she said with a smile. 

‘I’m fine.’ Patrick said eating his pancakes ‘And I’m used to giving him my food before he steals it.’ 

‘And I’m used to protecting my food from my sister stealing it.’ David smiled. ‘She only eats off other people’s plates. Usually mine.’

‘The joys you missed not having siblings.’ Marcy said with a smile. She’d meant it as a light hearted comment but something in Patrick’s face flickered and he became very interested in his pancakes. 

‘Don’t worry you can have mine.’ David said rubbing an arm over Patrick’s back, while he topped up the maple syrup on his pancakes. ‘She takes a lot of grooming upkeep though.’ that earned him a slight chuckle and a smile ‘and you might occasionally get a call from a Foreign Embassy about an incident in 2009 but just pretend not to speak English.’ Patrick laughed again and David looked across at Marcy. 

‘Do I want to know?’ she asked, knowing there was a fairly colourful past to David’s family. 

‘Probably not.’ Patrick said. ‘I don’t know the half of it.’ 

David made a face that clearly said ‘you don’t’ and went back to his pancakes. Marcy noticed that despite his concentration on his food- and she’d already noticed David was a man who took eating very seriously- he was constantly checking on Patrick, either with a glance, or a touch, his attention never wavered. Patrick was either oblivious, or so comfortably used to it that he didn’t notice. And it was so endearing she could have cried. Her son was so looked after. 

‘I’m going to get dressed’ she said pushing herself up from the table ‘David you aren’t leaving right away are you?’

He shook his head, ‘My Dad said around noon I think.’

She nodded. And excused herself.

‘Do you want to go for a walk this morning?’ Patrick asked, picking at the remains of his breakfast. David sensed he wanted him to want to, that there was something behind it. 

‘Sure.’ he said ‘Dad said he’d pick me up on the way so we’ve got time.’

‘Ok great.’ Patrick said, pushing one of his pancakes onto David’s plate ‘I could use some air.’

David nodded and set about finishing his breakfast, but rested an arm around Patrick as he did so, feeling him lean in a bit while he finished his coffee. 

A while later Patrick was walking them down the street away from his parent's house. Giving David a running commentary of the neighbourhood. David smiled letting him. He subconsciously looped his arm around Patrick’s shoulders as they walked. Then a block or so later pulled it back. Patrick stopped and looked up at him. 

‘Everything ok?’ he asked. 

‘Mmm.’ David said ‘I just wasn’t sure if...you know.’ he flailed his arms around a bit. 

Patrick looped an arm around David’s waist, understanding what he was asking. ‘It’s fine.’ Patrick said, ‘Peak suburbia. And if anyone wants to twitch their blinds let them.’

‘I just thought with your Mom working at the school and…’ Patrick shook his head ‘Don’t even think about it.’ he raised an eyebrow ‘You think my Mom can’t handle them?’

David smiled, he had a point. They walked a little further, and Patrick was quiet for a bit. Finally, he started pointing out local landmarks, chatting away about people he’d grown up with. Eventually, they came to a park. They walked a while before Patrick steered them to a bench and David sat, looping his arm over Patrick’s shoulders. Once again patiently waiting for his boyfriend to say what was on his mind. 

‘It wasn’t about being scared of what people might do, or say or whatever.’ he explained. ‘People here are pretty laid back. Progressive. Whatever.’ he sighed ‘it was all me, I can see that now. But also worried what my parents would think. I thought they’d somehow think...less of me? Be disappointed? I don’t know.’ he shook his head ‘I know it sounds ridiculous.’ 

‘My Dad wishes I was gay.’ David said from nowhere. Surprising himself. ‘I mean I think that’s what he wishes. Or he just assumes I’d never be straight so he might as well wish for that.’

‘What?’ Patrick said ‘But he’s so accepting, so nice.’

‘He is. I mean I don’t mean it like that exactly.’ David said ‘He’s always wished I would just ‘pick a side’ to make it easier on myself. And knowing my past you can see why he’d think that.’ 

‘But he hasn’t said...I don’t know he wishes…’ Patrick shrugged. 

‘It’s ok.’ David said ‘I get it. I’m telling you because it comes from a place of love- though don’t tell me I said that out loud obviously, I enjoy having something to hold over him occasionally when he’s being particularly irritating.’ he shook his head, he wasn’t explaining it well ‘I think what I’m saying is our parents have to deal with this too, like it affects them. My Dad doesn’t wish I was any different really- at least not in that respect I’m sure he has a whole list of other fixes for me in other areas.’ Patrick chuckled at that. ‘It’s just his way of wishing life was easier for me was that. And I’m told.’ he added dramatically ‘the thing about being a parent is this unconditional wanting good things for your children.’ 

Patrick smiled and leaned into him ‘I hear that’s true.’ he said. ‘I get that. I guess if he was watching you be so unhappy.’ he reached his arm around David ‘For so long. I guess he wanted to take away the thing he thought was causing it.’

David nodded. It was complicated. Of course he’d resented his Dad saying that to him, to other people. He’d always had his Mom fighting his corner there. Telling his Dad to let him be, that he’d figure it out. And he understood his Dad maybe didn’t understand fully- he was the straightest guy on the planet, in every sense, and he could probably understand being gay, being the opposite of himself in some ways. But David’s pansexuality, bisexuality, outright Queerness, was in some ways so different to everything his Dad was, he got that it took a lot to wrap his head around. And in fairness to Johnny Rose, even in his confusion, he’d never shown David anything but love. 

‘I think with your Mom and Dad.’ David realised what he’d said, but carried on ‘Is that you hadn’t changed, in any way, but you had also totally changed without them knowing.’ he shook his head, he wasn’t making any sense. ‘Sorry I know that’s not right, it’s also not very politically correct of me as a Queer person either is it.’ he rolled his eyes at himself. 

‘No, that makes sense.’ he said slowly, ‘I guess if I’d I don’t know- again forgive my political incorrectness here- suddenly become, I don’t know very into fashion-’

‘Really no danger of that my love.’ David said unable to resist that dig. Patrick laughed. 

‘Or changed the way I talked or dressed. Or something it would have been ….easier? Somehow.’ he shrugged. In his heart he knew his parents accepted him but they were all still adjusting. ‘Or maybe if I was younger. Mom keeps mentioning ‘how long’ it took me. Like I don’t already know!’ there was a trace of anger there that took David aback slightly. He reminded himself that there was a lot going on with his boyfriend right now. A lot to work through. 

‘True.’ he said patiently ‘Look you know I’d be lying if I said I didn’t occasionally worry that this, is all you’ve known and-’ he looked over at Patrick ‘I know you love me, and you don’t want anyone else. Though I occasionally need reminding.’ he gave him a playful nudge. ‘But.’ he added ‘I also believe, as we well know, in a bit of romance and destiny. And maybe you were just meant to ...end up here.’

‘You mean with you.’ Patrick couldn’t keep the teasing out of his voice. 

‘I mean I am pretty special.’ David glanced sideways. He sighed. ‘Look, it’s well documented I had long ago given up on my romcom storyline. I was done. So done. And then there was this guy, who appeared in my life. And he was like nobody else. He took none of my nonsense. But he also didn’t run away. And he told me I made him right. And suddenly your my…’ he rolled his eyes. 

‘Your my what David?’ Patrick teased. 

‘Nevermind.’ he said embarrassed. 

‘No go on.’ Patrick raised an eyebrow challenging him. David knitted his brows. Challenge accepted. Patrick wanted the cheesy movie line he was getting it. 

‘Give me your hand’ David held out his. Patrick half scowled and complied. ‘Give me your hand and you will see, your heart is keeping time with me.’ David said. He’d attempted flippancy but halfway through fell into sincerity. Patrick made to response with suitable cynicism. But then recognised the quote. The song they’d danced to at his Birthday. After David had made everything alright again. Instead he ran a thumb over David’s hand. 

‘What a feeling’ he quoted back, and David smiled, pleased his gesture hadn’t been too ridiculous. 

‘So why are we here?’ David asked, assuming Patrick had some reason for bringing him here, something to talk about or similar. 

‘What?’ Patrick said. 

‘You brought me to this park. I assumed you wanted to show me something, or talk or something.’

Patrick smiled. ‘Oh.’ he looked embarrassed. ‘No I, well I just wanted some time alone with you before you have to leave.’

David’s face did battle with itself not to grin. It was the most simple but sweetly sincere thing to say. They’d been together for less than 24 hours but alone for barely any of it. And stealing an hour with his boyfriend to just walk in the park, in the face of everything was so, perfectly Patrick. ‘Let’s go for a walk then.’ David smiled. 

‘One more thing.’ Patrick said, pulling him in for a kiss. It took several more minutes before they started their walk. 

It was a perfect break in everything else. The quiet couple of hours they managed to steal away before David’s family came to pick him up. Patrick hadn’t realised how much he’d needed it until David was gone and there was a clawing emptiness inside him. He snapped to attention and pushed on with the ‘to do’ list for around the house jobs he’d already compiled for before he left. He was pushing to the back of his mind just how many ‘little things’ his Dad hadn’t been able to get to. And for how long. But it was good, it was giving him something to focus on. 

He passed the next two days like that. Keeping himself busy around the house, and also going with his Mom to visit various relatives. He didn’t mind that much either. It was nice to see most of them, and he knew it was making his Mom happy. By Sunday lunchtime he was seriously flagging. He hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours a night since Thursday. He could have taken more pills but he wanted to save them for...he wasn’t sure what exactly. But his mind was busy, and he missed David more than he wanted to admit. And he couldn't seem to shut off long enough for a decent night’s sleep. So he knew on Sunday morning he was grumpy. He knew he was quiet through lunch with his Aunt and Uncle. He knew he made excuses too early to get back to fixing the fence. And he knew he was short-tempered with his Mom. He also knew the argument started over a stupid thing- whether or not the paint in the garage was indeed brown or black. Stupid. He knew how it started. He just wasn’t clear how they got to the point they were at now, which was shouting at each other across the length of the garage about entirely unrelated but clearly long-brewing things. 

‘Because you just hide things!’ Patrick shouted. 

‘Well you would know about that!’ His Mother retorted. She folded her arms and immediately regretted her forcefulness and her stubbornness, when she saw the hurt on her son’s face. He didn’t say another word just turned and stormed out the door. Like she’d seen him do many times, many times when she knew he was unhappy but didn’t know why and coudn’t fix it. Now she knew why, and it was at least in part her fault. But she also was helpless to fix why. 

Patrick knew it was coming. He’d known deep down they were heading for this argument for days. Maybe beyond that months. He knew while his Mom didn’t care about what he’d hidden, she was still hurt that he’d hidden it. In another timeline they’d maybe have avoided the explosive version of this fight, maybe not, they were both stubborn with occasional bursts of temper. And he’d hurt her he knew. 

But right now he was hurt as well. And he was hurting. He slammed the door on his way out. And quickly realised he didn’t have his car keys. 

‘Fuck.’ he muttered. Walking it was then. Luckily it was still a mild enough afternoon to not make that impossible. So he walked. Marched more accurately, down the street, head down, towards the park. The park he’d taken David the other day. He suddenly ached to be back home. And felt a weird burst of anger at himself and confusion as to where home was now. He guessed that was natural, that push and pull from where you’re from and where you now, what belonged? He’d just never felt ‘home’ anywhere else before, and he’d never missed anywhere like he missed home now. Probably, he reasoned he had nobody to miss ever. He considered calling David. Part of him wanted to either just hear his voice and talk about anything else, part of him wanted to offload all of it on him, have someone be on his side. BUt he also didn’t want to get into it, to unpick it all. And David would likely talk him down, make him see his Mom’s point of view, make him feel bad and go back and apologise. And he needed to be angry at her, just for now. 

So he walked instead. To the park and around it three times until it started getting dark. By the third time the sun had started to set and he stopped and snapped some pictures to send to David. A little arbitrary update on his day that would buy him some time away from explaining what had gone on. And he went over and over it in his mind. This stupid argument, all the bits that led them there. His stupid annoygly close relationship with his Mom that meant they were also annoyingly similar. And every childhood and teenage, and hell twenty something argument that had gone like this. With one of them shouting and storming off. They could both be the most even tempered people on earth, calm, rational, organised. David would never believe- had he not occasionally seen his competitive side maybe- how things could ignite with his Mom. 

He sat on a bench deep in thought. He was unsettled too. By the anger he’d felt. He’d not felt that way in a long time, this deep scary anger that threatened to overwhelm him sometimes. He’d felt it with Rachel the other day too. She’d seen it in their arguments often as well. This strange blinding rage taht was so unlike him, made him say and do stupid things- not things like hurt himself or anyone else, he always pulled it back just in time. 

His phone pinged. David of course.

‘I can’t find the invoices for Jeanette Farmer she’s going to KILL ME’

Before he could type a response 

‘Never mind. Where you said it was. Under another one. Sorry’

Before he could respond to that 

‘Don’t be mad. It’s just BUSY and my brain is less functional than usual. X’

Patrick smiled. 

‘It’s fine. Look pretty trees’ he sent the picture. 

‘Trying to calm me with foliage (its working)’

Patrick smiled. Then laughed at the next. 

‘Your face would calm me more.’

He laughed in spite of everything and snapped a picture of himself pulling a face and sent it to David. 

No immediate response but he assumed maybe someone came in. He smiled at the familiar dance of calming David’s small anxieties. And thought about his bigger ones. Patrick came back to the thing he was trying not to think about. On one of his google rabbit holes early in their relationship, trying to figure out what was going on, and how best to deal with David’s anxious brain, he’d come across something that told him anger was also a symptom of anxiety. He’d dismissed it at the time because anger- in that sense, rather than at people’s fashion sense- wasn’t something that manifested itself with David. But he’d never been able to shake it. He’d read more over the last year, sneaking looks like he was looking at something illicit. One time, David had crept up on him while he was reading and he’d snapped the computer shut so quickly David had thought he was looking at porn...which luckily had been a conversation easy to derail into other distractions. 

He sighed to himself and pushed himself off the bench and started making his way home. This would go one of two ways when he got in, they’d either pick up where they left off and continue arguing into the night. Or they’d ignore it. Only for it to be dragged up another time, or to work its way into other disagreements. He loved his Mom fiercely, they got on so well. Except when they didn’t. 

He pushed the door open. His Mom was in the kitchen. 

‘Hey.’ he said leaning on the doorframe. 

‘Hello.’ she replied ‘Phillip called, they’ve invited us over for dinner. I didn’t think I could say no.’

‘Right.’ he nodded, ‘I’ll grab my coat then.’

‘Give me five minutes.’ she said. 

He nodded as she passed him. Maybe it was for the best. Neither of them were in a state of mind to fight. 

He'd been wrong. It wasn’t over, it was just on pause. When they got in from Philip’s- which had been an altogether more civilised affair than Parick had thought, his Uncle obviously felt guilty about the day of the funeral- he’d asked his Mom if she’d wanted a drink, and been met with a cool ‘No.’

‘Oh so this isn’t over then?’ he’d asked with more venom than he’d intended. He was tired. And he didn’t want to fight. But backed into a corner he would. 

‘You tell me?!’ she said ‘As I’ve clearly been so horrible a parent.’

‘Mom when did I ever say that?’ he took a step towards her and she brushed past him.   
‘Mom!’ 

He followed her into the living room where she’d flopped down. 

‘Mom tell me what I can do to fix this!’ he pleaded. 

‘Nothing.’ she said. Marcy knew this was a pointless argument that would just get them both more hurt, but she was tired, and everything she’d struggled not to say kept bubbling to the surface. 

‘Tell me what it is! I can’t go around in circles any more!’ he was shouting now, he knew but he couldn’t help it. ‘Is it what Phil says? That I wasn’t here? You know Mom I’d have been here in hours any time you’d asked me to if I’d known.’

‘How could I ask you to leave your new life?’ she asked ‘I’d be a terrible Mom if I did that. We didn’t need you to! We were fine, I didn’t know he didn’t have long left.’

‘You knew more than me!’ he wanted to understand, he wanted to not be angry. 

‘What difference would it have made Patrick? Really? If you’d known?’ she was crying now. ‘Surely not knowing was better for you all that way away!’

‘But I could have come home! Spent more time with him!’ he insisted, his voice getting very high and strangled. 

‘And lied about your life while you did? About who you are?’ again the moment she said it she regretted it. She raised a hand to her mouth. ‘Patrick honey I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…’

He dropped his shoulders. ‘No, you’re right.’ he said quietly. ‘It was better this way.’ he walked out, and up to his room. He kicked his shoes off and crawled onto his bed, scooping up Bertie into his arms. Without thinking about it he called David. 

‘Hey’ he said cheerily. ‘Dinner over? Was Phillip a dick again? Sorry I shouldn’t call your relatives a dick but he was.’

Patrick didn’t answer. He just sniffed as tears started to fall. 

‘Oh hey, what is it? Was he a dick? I’m sorry I didn’t mean-’

‘No, my Mom.’ Patrick managed to sniffle out. ‘Ugh it’s stupid.’ he said pulling himself up. ‘We had a fight.Two fights. David it’s everything I was scared of.’ he hiccuped a bit. ‘She’s so angry about me...about me being…’ he burst into full tears. 

David closed his eyes. He was curled up in Patrick’s bed, on his side. He buried his head into the pillow a bit while he let his boyfriend cry. 

‘Sweetheart’ he said using a term he used rarely and only when he really needed Patrick’s attention. Patrick hummed to tell him he was listening. ‘I promise you she isn’t. I talked to her remember? She’s so happy that you’re happy. For some unknown reason she seems to like me as much as you do- just not in the same way you do obviously.’ Patrick chuckled at that. ‘I think she feels...guilty that she didn’t know, she couldn’t help you.’ David could hear Patrick’s crying slow now. ‘And.’ he said ‘I know it hurts to hear, I know ok? But I think she feels like she-like they- lost that time with you.’ he paused. ‘And right now, that probably hurts, like it hurts you ok?’ 

Patrick didn’t answer but David could sense him nodding. 

‘I can’t hear you agree with me so we’ll just assume I’m right. As I should be.’ he joked. Patrick chuckled softly and sniffed. 

‘I love you.’ he said. 

‘I miss you.’ David answered. 

‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Patrick said. 

‘Love you.’ David answered. ‘Go and talk to her ok?’

‘Mmm’ Patrick answered. Before they said goodbye and hung up. He curled into his bear again and lay there thinking. It was fully dark when he heard a knock on his door. After a pause his Mom came in and he felt her weight on the bed. She reached out a hand and rested it on his shoulder. 

‘I need you to hear me say this.’ she said, ‘So maybe it’s a good thing you aren’t looking at me. Or maybe even talking to me. I don’t care that you’re gay honey, I don’t care when you worked it out, or how. I’m just sad that you couldn’t tell me, tell us. It makes me feel like I did something wrong. And that makes me feel like I wasn’t a good enough Mom. And I can’t help it, I get sad that your Dad lost that time with you. Because I can make up for it, but he can’t. And that’s partly our fault, and I guess we were trying to do the right thing. And although I can’t quite see your reasons, I know you must have had them too.’ 

Patrick was crying again now, he felt his Mom tighten her grip on his shoulder. 

‘Maybe those are conversations for another day. But never think I’m angry that you’re gay. I just want you to be happy. And I can see you are. All this business aside.’

Patrick sat up, still holding the bear, and wrapped his arms around his Mom. She held onto him for a long time, letting him cry into her hair. 

‘I love you Mom’ he whispered. 

‘Love you too.’ she pulled back and wiped at his face with a tissue from her sleeve. He laughed as it was such a Mom thing to do. She took the bear off him too. ‘This old thing.’ she said smiling fondly at it. ‘You should take it home with you. And some other bits from your room, keep a bit of home with you.’

He nodded, taking the bear back. ‘Yeah maybe that’s a good idea.’ he said. It felt like his Mom telling him to make his life more permanent back home. He pulled the bear towards him. 

‘Get some sleep.’ she said, ‘Long drive tomorrow.’ 

He nodded. After she’d gone he took one of Moira’s pills. It was a night he needed something approaching total oblivion. He curled around his bear and fell almost instantly to sleep. Telling himself tomorrow he’d be home, sleeping next to David again. 

Fifteen Years Later

Patrick smoothed the hair of his exhausted husband. It was streaked with grey now, and it pulled at his chest how much that reminded him of his Father-in-Law. Remembering Aunt Karen’s comments on the ‘fine head of hair’ Johnny had, and giving him a nudge about his then-boyfriend. David stirred in his lap.

‘Hey’ Patrick said, still smoothing his hair down. ‘How you doing?’

David made a noncommittal noise and dragged himself upright. Patrick couldn’t keep the concern off his face looking into his. David’s eyes were hugely red and swollen, he almost looked like he’d been punched. He’d managed to get him home from the Store, and had left him on the sofa while he made phonecalls. First to the hospital, to get the full details. Then to Alexis. He’d put David on speaker with his sister once he’d told her. They’d all agreed there was nothing they could do until tomorrow now. Patrick made the basic arrangements with the hospital and a funeral home. And he’d booked flights for two days time. They actually didn’t need to travel until then, it seemed pointless to sit in the house waiting for the funeral. Two days before that would be more than enough. Alexis had been surprisingly calm and organised. Patrick had smiled seeing some of her Dad in her more and more as she got older. He’d have been proud he decided. But now, as 7pm rolled around there was nothing more any of them could do for the day. Nothing except Patrick taking care of his husband who had passed out exhausted from crying at around five, and he’d let him sleep while he made more phonecalls. 

‘Drink this.’ he said gently, handing him a glass of water. He dutifully did and leaned back against the sofa. 

‘Be back in a bit ok?’ Patrick said. David nodded, and pulled out his phone to text Alexis and check in. Despite being wrung out with grief to the point of being barely functional, what function he did have Patrick could already see being channelled into being the protective big brother he’d always been. 

Patrick clattered about in the kitchen for a few minutes, returning with a tray. David looked up from his phone. 

‘Alexis ok?’ Patrick asked, David nodded. ‘Here’ Patrick said, setting the tray down, he had two mugs of tea and two plates of toast with peanut butter and banana. ‘The food for when you can’t eat.’ he said with a little smile, leaning over and kissing David’s forehead. He handed him a mug which he took a sip from, and set down again. ‘Try and eat yeah?’ Patrick said. He knew he had no appetite himself, but he’d try and eat to make sure David did. 

They curled up together picking at their food. David slowly and methodically made it through half of it before setting his plate down. He did wrap his hands around the tea, tasting the extra sugar Patrick had snuck in. When he put it down Patrick took his hand, playing with his rings for a second while he thought. 

‘He was like my second Dad before I even needed one.’ he said thoughtfully, ‘Before it even looked like you and I were...forever’ he smiled over at his husband. ‘He was a good, good man David, the nicest man I think I’ve ever known. And I loved him like he was my Dad too.’ he played with the rings again. ‘I don’t know I just thought I should say that out loud.’ he shrugged. 

David’s face crumpled again and he pulled himself down into Patrick’s lap. Letting his husband wrap his arms around him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter as I wanted to separate off Patrick's coming home. This one felt pretty raw, and hopefully people understand that place of hurting the ones you love when you're hurting. 
> 
> Thank you for the continued support for this story. It's become far bigger in every sense than I intended when I wanted to tell my little Thanksgiving story, but it feels healing for me and others so I'll ride it out with Patrick.


	9. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick arrives home. David is there, for no matter what.

Fifteen years later

Patrick got home from the Store and looked around the house. Nothing had moved. The kitchen was as he left it this morning. He opened the fridge, it didn’t look like anything had moved. He sighed. He flicked the kettle on. Waited for it to boil. He opened a cupboard, found a packet of cookies. And some chocolate for good measure. He brewed the tea, added three sugars to David’s and holding the cookies and chocolate under his arm, made his way upstairs. 

Their bedroom was in semi-darkness. He opened the curtains, letting the later afternoon sunlight in. 

‘Hey’ he called. No response. Now it was light he could see David was lying on his side. He was on top of the covers. And he was dressed. That was a good sign. ‘Hey.’ he said again, sitting on the bed next to him, setting the tea and food down on the bedside table. David’s eyes were open but he didn’t look at him. Patrick leaned down and kissed his cheek. Stroking his hair after he did so. It wasn’t styled, so presumably David had only got so far getting ready for the day. He had no shoes on either. ‘I brought you tea.’ Patrick said. He leaned down ‘And cookies.’ he whispered. No response. He looked up at the ceiling, asking for some kind of strength from somewhere. ‘You got dressed.’ he tried. 

‘Hmm’ David said finally. 

‘Right come on if you got dressed you can sit up and drink this tea and eat a cookie.’ Patrick said, giving him an affectionate pat on the hip. David closed his eyes and then hauled himself upright. ‘That’s better.’ Patrick said, handing him his tea. David took a sip and made a face. ‘Oops wrong one.’ Patrick smiled and switched them. 

‘Thanks.’ David said after taking a sip. Patrick nodded and scooted himself onto the bed next to his husband. He watched as David took a cookie, either through hunger or obedience at the insistence he knew was coming from Patrick he didn’t care, as long as he ate something. 

‘How are you doing?’ Patrick asked. 

David shrugged as he chewed. ‘I tried’ he said ‘I promise I tried.’ he concentrated on his tea intently. He hadn’t left the house since they got back from his Mom’s funeral. He hadn’t really got out of bed. He felt like the life had been knocked out of him. He’d had bouts of depression over the years, but this was unlike anything he’d ever felt. Or more accurately lack of feeling. He was so numb he couldn’t function. And his ever patient, caring husband looked like he was as broken as David felt. ‘I’m sorry.’ he said dropping his gaze down and forcing himself to eat the rest of the cookie, even though it tasted like cardboard to him. 

‘What can I do?’ Patrick asked. He’d hurt for David over the years, for various things, he knew his husband still felt broken inside. But this was different. Patrick felt like he was ready to break on David’s behalf. 

‘You’re doing it.’ he said softly. He glanced over in time to see his husband flicker a mask of stoicism over his face where emotion had threatened to break through. He was working so hard to be strong for David. ‘I know…’ David trailed off ‘I know this is hard for you...putting up with me, like this.’

Patrick shook his head. ‘Nope.’ He said ‘there’s no talk of putting up. I signed up for this remember? I said ‘I do’ in front of God and your Mom’ his voice cracked on that. He’d said that so many times as a joke for a second he forgot ‘I’m sorry.’ he said quietly. Then blinked ‘No, I’m not.’ he shifted so he was looking properly at David and gently cupped his face to force him to look at him. ‘I said I do in front of your Mom- sort of to your Mom, it was a weird wedding David.’ He smiled ‘The point is, I made a promise in front of her that I was going to be looking after you. And I plan to keep that promise.’ he leaned down and kissed him softly. ‘Ok?’

David nodded. ‘Ok.’ he said, he looked down again. 

‘What?’ Patrick asked, always knowing when there was something he wanted to say but was holding back. He took the mug off him and took his hand, running his fingers over his wedding ring, a shorthand to both sooth David and remind him they could say anything to each other. 

‘I sort of wish I could forget her, just for a bit, just so I could...function.’ he looked down at their hands ‘And then I realise, eventually I will forget...a bit and I feel worse.’ he looked over at Patrick, ‘Do you, I mean with your Dad is that how…’ he shrugged. 

‘Sort of.’ Patrick answered honestly, ‘But also not. I don’t think about him every day any more, I haven’t for a long time actually.’ that revelation caught him by surprise, now that he thought about it. ‘But he’s also just sort of always there. That sounds really cliche. But it’s also true. And I haven’t forgotten the important things. Like I don’t know, favourite vacations, or Chirstmases, or just simple Sunday afternoons...my last Birthday with him.’ he leaned his head on David’s shoulder, ‘It’s all there it’s just less...vivid.’ he sighed ‘And less painful with time, I promise.’ 

He felt David nod. He couldn’t quite imagine anything about Moira Rose being anything less than full technicolor surround sound. But he also imagined how painful that must be right now. He knew because he felt it too. David sighed. It hurt, it just hurt so much right now, which was why he willed himself not to think about it. 

‘Do you think.’ Patrick asked slowly ‘Do you think you could make it downstairs to the sofa for a bit? Just to eat some dinner? Then we can come back to bed.’

David considered a second, then nodded. 

‘Ok then. Let’s do that.’ Patrick scooted himself off the bed and held out his hands. David took them and allowed himself to be pulled upright. ‘One day at a time yeah?’ he said, holding onto one of David’s hands and leading him downstairs. 

Monday fifteen years earlier 

He’d planned on going to the Store when he got back. Part of him couldn’t wait to hug David. Part of him wanted to dramatically run into his arms after a week apart. Part of him also wanted to go back to work. Get back to normal, have something normal to focus on. 

But then he got home. And the thought of getting into bed hit him. He should at least unpack. But he left his things by the door. It had been a long drive he told himself. Laying down for a bit wasn’t such a bad idea. Having a rest before going back out again, going to work, that was a good idea. David didn’t know he’d started out earlier than planned, that he’d driven straight through. He wasn’t expecting him. Not for hours. So he got into bed. 

David let himself in just after 5.30. He’d expected to hear from Patrick on his way home, but then if he was driving, it wasn’t that unusual that he’d actually respect the law and not text or call. Unlike David. He wasn’t expecting him for another hour at least anyway. So he was surprised to open the door and nearly fall over Patrick’s bags. 

‘Patrick?’ he said confused. Glancing around the flat he noticed the lump under the old blanket on the bed. ‘Hey, you’re back.’ he said softer, walking across to the bed. 

Patrick sort of registered the noise, but not quite. He wasn’t sure when he’d fallen asleep, not at first for sure, but it had clearly been a while. Before he could stir, David’s weight was on the bed next to him. He blinked properly awake to see him smiling at him. 

‘You’re home.’ David beamed, leaning down and kissing him. ‘When did you get back?’ he rested a hand on Patrick’s back not quite sitting upright from the kiss. 

‘Mmm’ Patrick responded ‘Dunno about 1?’ he sighed a bit ‘Sorry I was going to come in but…’

David shook his head, then maneuvered himself around the bed and flopped next to Patrick, spooning him and pulling him close. ‘You’re tired’ he muttered into the back of his head. 

‘Mmm, guess so.’ Patrick said ‘Long drive.’

‘Mmm’ David said, taking a second to breathe in Patrick’s familiar scent, before giving him a squeeze. ‘Stay here a bit longer, then we’ll get dinner.’

Patrick grabbed onto David’s arm and squeezed, David squeezed him with his whole body. ‘Ok a little while longer.’ Patrick said, leaning into him. 

David felt him go limp a short while later, the weight of him settling in against him. Instinctively he knew it wasn’t tiredness from the drive. He knew Patrick was a power-through person. But it was easier to let him think that’s all it was. His Mom’s words about just waiting it out echoed in his mind. If that meant letting him sleep at 5.30 and holding him to let him know that was ok, that’s what he’d do. And for now, he was happy to lie with his boyfriend in his arms again. 

At 6.30 David gently nudged Patrick awake. He muttered softly, clearly having fallen into a deep sleep. Maybe the cumulative exhaustion was finally catching up as well. 

‘C’mon dinner.’ David said ‘And you need to unpack it’s already driving me crazy.’

‘Mmm’ Patrick complained. He felt David release his grip and roll away a bit. He was awake enough to grab his hand as he did so and stop him ‘Where you going?’ he said waking up now. He felt David still and he messily turned himself over and rolled into him, reaching for David he stopped and looked at him for a second ‘Hey.’ he said with a smile and leaned in and kissed him, properly this time. David quickly leaned in, saying a proper hello. He wrapped Patrick up in his arms, not for a change to protect him or comfort him, but just as his boyfriend, who he hadn't been able to touch in four long days. Patrick leaned in and enjoyed re-familiarizing himself with the way it felt to hold David. It felt ridiculous that a few days felt so long. But he realised his head had been somewhere else for a while before that. He pulled back and looked at him bringing a hand up to his face for a second. 

‘What?’ David asked, suddenly concerned. 

‘You’re gorgeous and I’ve missed you.’ Patrick said with a smile. David tried not to grin, and gave him a shy lopsided smile. 

‘Well you’re not so bad yourself.’ he said with a smirk and leaned in to kiss him back. 

They both knew this wasn’t leading anywhere right now through some unspoken agreement it seemed. But the pressure being off made Patrick relax into it more, and he enjoyed what was frankly an old-fashioned make out session. Weirdly they’d never really fallen out of the habit, the lack of privacy in the early days had meant this sort of thing became a staple, grabbing a few stolen moments of high-school level action. But strangely too, they both enjoyed it, maybe needed it, after years of the wrong kinds of relationships. And this felt familiar and normal. Eventually they pulled apart, Patrick attempting to right David’s hair where he’d well and truly messed it up, and failing. He smirked. 

‘Still gorgeous’ he said. 

David rolled his eyes. ‘Dinner.’ he said. 

‘Ordering in?’ Patrick asked, reaching for his phone. David shook his head. 

‘I have a surprise.’ he said 

‘You cooked?’ Patrick looked suspiciously around. 

‘No.’ David said but. He jerked his head in the direction of the kitchen and Patrick dutifully got up and followed him. David opened the fridge and freezer doors with a flourish. It was stuffed full of dishes, containers, as well as what looked like regular groceries. 

‘So, it seems we live in the kind of town that cooks for people.’ he said with a smile. ‘People know now’ he explained with a shrug, ‘My Mom and Dad mostly.’ he said sheepishly and Patrick reached out a hand to his arm saying it was ok. ‘And so...people brought you food. I guess it’s what you do right?’

Patrick smiled, both at David’s worry at having told people and the gesture. It looked like there were casseroles, and pasta dishes and who knew what else. 

‘The groceries were me.’ he added. And gestured at the cupboards ‘And people brought well.’ he opened the nearest one ‘Cookies and stuff too. Jocelyn mainly, the woman hasn’t stopped cooking! But also Twyla brought a bunch of your favourite things from the cafe, and Bob brought some horrific looking dish Gwen made, but I kept it because you might need a laugh.’ Patrick did laugh at that. ‘Um Stevie brought this.’ he went over to the drinks trolley and waved a bottle of Jack Daniels. 

‘On brand’ Patrick smiled. 

‘And well, even Ronnie, she baked cookies.’ David said with a smile, ‘I mean she might have laced them with laxatives but it’s the thought that counts’ 

Patrick smiled, and David caught a weird faraway look in his face. 

‘Ok you might want to hold on because I’m not done.’ he said. ‘Um, so my Dad came over and did the books for the Store, I know I can do it but I’d rather someone I trust so…’ he went over to the coffee table and picked up a stack of envelopes ‘And well, people sent cards, so I just sort of collected them here.’ Patrick nodded at him, looking a bit overwhelmed now. ‘And I guess you didn’t go in the bathroom yet?’

Patrick frowned, shaking his head. 

‘Well I guessed not because you’d have said something.’ David walked over and opened the door. Patrick shook his head and followed him over. And he had to laugh. His bathtub was filled with flowers. 

‘What the hell?’ he said. 

‘I guess people send flowers too.’ David shrugged, ‘and there were a lot of them, and in case you came home early I didn’t want you to like walk into a funeral parlor, and I assumed I'd be here anyway when you did, but just in case I sorta...hid them.’ 

Patrick laughed. It was the most perfect of David logic. And he loved him for it. He pulled him down into a kiss. 

‘You hid flowers in my bathtub.’ he grinned. 

David wrinkled his nose. ‘Yes.’

Patrick grinned. ‘You are...something.’ he went in to look at the array of flowers, some of which seemed to be from the Store, which just felt...doubly charming. David was shifting about next to him, a sure sign he had something to say. ‘What?’ Patrick asked. 

David leaned down. And picked up a smaller, something from the back of the bathtub. ‘Um this was from me. I got it before, you know an entire florist arrived.’ he held it out to Patrick it was a small, potted rosebush. ‘My Mom has that Rose garden my stupid Dad organised for her. Anyway I thought, rather than flowers that will die...nice as they are.’ he gestured to the bathtub ‘We could you know plant this, or something. It sounds stupid now I say it out loud. My Mom’s ok with it though before you think we’ll be like stealthy planting rose bushes by night or something I mean-’

Patrick cut him off with a kiss. ‘I think it’s a lovely idea.’ he said. 

David bit his lip and nodded. He wasn’t great at gauging whether his gestures were ridiculous or nice. He’d been laughed at in the past for it. And he still couldn’t quite get used to them being well received. He nodded again, ‘Shall we move some of this...somewhere?’ 

Patrick smiled. ‘As much as I enjoy a floral display when I use the toilet, probaby. Also I’m going to need to shower at some point.’ 

Quickly they settled on David doing the flower arranging while Patrick selected one of the many dishes to heat up for dinner. He went for a safe looking pasta bake and put it in the oven while David tried to find a home for the flowers. Picking one arrangement up off the side table Patrick held it up. 

‘Why don’t you take this one to the Motel. I’m sure your Mom would appreciate some brightening up the place or whatever. And it’s not like we’re short around here.’ David nodded. 

They finished flower arranging and Patrick started unpacking while dinner heated up. He went to lay the table but David jerked his head towards the sofa and he nodded. They ate on their laps with the TV on in the background. David had a knack for finding cookery programmes and today was Masterchef Australia- they had no idea who the competitors were but it was background noise. 

David watched with some concern as Patrick only really picked at his food. He eventually ate around half of it before setting it down on the coffee table. 

‘Do you want me to get you something else...I know Jocelyn isn’t exactly going on Masterchef any time soon but her pasta is passable.’ David tried to keep his tone light. 

Patrick gave a little laugh ‘It’s fine, it’s nice really I’m just not that hungry.’

David nodded, letting it go. ‘Tea?’ he asked. Patrick nodded ‘I’ll grab some cookies- not Ronnie’s I was kidding about the laxatives but also I’m not willing to risk it.’ he made a face and Patrick smiled. 

He ended up eating three of the cookies, and drinking the tea, so David was placated. Patrick couldn’t explain it either, he was hungry enough to eat a bit, but in the last few days he’d sort of lost the ...energy to eat. His Mom had commented too, but he’d made the excuse that they had -truthfully- been eating a lot with visiting relatives and working their way through leftovers. She, like David, seemed temporarily satisfied with that. He could feel himself getting sleepy again already. And it was barely 7. He scooted closer to David who happily wrapped an arm around him. 

‘I missed you.’ he said.

‘Missed you too.’ David said. Then made a noise like something had just occurred to him. 

‘What?’ Patrick asked. 

‘My Mom and Dad had this crazy thing about only being apart for a week ever- until you know she went to Bosnia to film with some crows, and they both lost their minds more than usual.’ Patrick chuckled, for some reason Mrs Rose and the love letters was still highly entertaining to him. Especially as she still didn’t know he, and most of the town knew the truth now, that unsurprisingly Mr Rose was not a love-letter cheat. 

‘Yeah, I remember.’ 

‘I always thought they were crazy. I mean who can’t go a week apart?’ he rested his head on Patrick’s ‘I guess I never had anyone to miss before.’

Patrick smiled into David’s sweater. ‘David Rose, are you getting all romantic on me?’

David huffed, but leaned down and kissed him. ‘Give it 10 years you’ll be begging me for two weeks off.’

Patrick smiled again. ‘Oh the count has gone up from five to ten years now.’ he said remembering the time he’d teased David for that. 

David huffed again at being caught out. But also pleased that things were normal enough for Patrick to tease him. ‘Hypothetically.’ he said with another huff. But then pulled back, so he could look down at Patrick, who blinked up at him. ‘Maybe I never had anyone to plan ahead with before.’

Patrick smiled at him and buried himself back in David’s sweater. 

Patrick came out of the bathroom and the room was in darkness apart from the lamp. David was sat at the end of the bed, and he was about to call out to him, ask him if he wanted a drink or something. When he realised he was speaking softly. He stopped and listened and realised he was speaking Hebrew. His head was bowed and he was praying. Patrick folded his arms and listened. Taking a moment too. David finished with an ‘Amen’ but kept his head bowed. For a good number of seconds longer, and Patrick heard him mutter another ‘Amen’. Patrick slowly walked across the room as David opened his eyes and looked at him. Patrick knew he knew he’d seen and sat down next to him.

‘You really are praying for my Dad, every day?’ he asked

David shrugged ‘I said I would.’ he glanced over uncertain whether to be embarrassed about letting Patrick see, but also if he was going to do this for eleven months it was sort of unavoidable. 

Patrick rested his head on David’s shoulder. ‘It’s...I don’t know what it is David nobody has ever done anything like that for me.’ he sat up again. ‘I’d still like you to teach me.’ he said, David nodded. Patrick looked down, ‘Can I ask, after you said it you looked like you were…’ he shrugged not knowing how to say it. 

David rolled his eyes, 'Still praying?’ he was embarrassed now. Patrick reached over and took his hand. 

‘Yeah.’ he said, letting David say or not say whatever he wanted to. 

David shrugged, he couldn’t really explain his strange relationship to his faith, religion or whatever. He wasn’t exactly a poster-child for being devout. But he’d always still felt a connection to the Jewish side of his half-and-half life. But nobody had ever asked him about it before. 

‘We don’t have to talk about it if you’d rather…’ Patrick trailed off ‘We never really did Church or anything, not really I’m sort of ...nothing that way.’ he’d been thinking about it a lot since the funeral. How they never really committed to anything religion wise as a family. And he was intrigued by how David’s family made it work.

‘I guess.’ David started ‘I haven’t prayed in a really long time, like we used to do some of the Jewish holidays, like Passover but also Dad would take us to synagogue for Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and of course we did Hannukah. But I guess, since we moved here- I mean way before then for the other ones, but when we moved here, until this year we just stopped even doing holidays so I hadn’t thought about it, any of it much.’ he felt Patrick rub his thumb back and fore over his hand and he looked down, ‘But when I started saying the Kaddish I just felt, I don’t know, like I wanted to...pray? I mean it sounds ridiculous. From me especially.’ he glanced over again. Waiting for Patrick to call him ridiculous for talking to thin air or whatever. He was smiling kindly at him. 

‘David it’s not ridiculous. You are not ridiculous.’ he smiled wider, ‘I mean you do have elements of the ridiculous about you yes.’ he leaned over and kissed his cheek, to show he was kidding. ‘But David I would never think your faith, heritage whatever you want to call it, is ridiculous you know that right?’ 

David shrugged. Logically he knew Patrick was not that person. But realistically years of being around that person, both in terms of friends and relationships still made it hard to see. 

‘David I think it’s beautiful you wanted to do this for my Dad.’ he said ‘and I’d like to learn more about your Jewish side, I don’t know much at all and I think for our future, it’s important to you, clearly and I should know more about it. And.’ he paused ‘if it’s something you want to you know explore more, I support that too, I want you to know that.’

‘Well I don’t think we’ll be exactly finding a synagogue around here.’ David scoffed. 

‘Elm Glen has one.’ Patrick said. 

David’s face did that weird thing where it wasn’t sure whether he was smiling or crying. ‘What?’ he asked. 

‘They have one. It’s a Reform synagogue, it’s small, as you’d imagine but it’s there.’ 

‘How do you know that?’ 

‘I drove past it one day, ages ago. And well I looked it up.’ 

‘When?’ 

‘I guess a year or so ago.’ Patrick shrugged ‘You know just in case it was something I should know about but then you didn’t seem like you were that religious so I didn’t bring it up so…’

David kept his eyes fixed on their hands. He didn’t dare look at Patrick right then, neither of them needed him bursting into tears right then. It was the casual nonchalance that Patrick said it with. Which it was for him. He’d ended up dating someone half-Jewish, so he’d googled nearby Synagogues. He knew to Patrick it felt like nothing but, it was huge. He felt Patrick inhale next to him. 

‘You don’t have to answer but…’ he paused and David knew where he was going, he squeezed his hand ‘Do you have any kind of belief about...you know what happens to people.’

David looked over at his boyfriend who was studying their hands intently. 

‘Jews don’t have any clear textual guide to the afterlife.’ he said slowly, ‘But we do believe in a soul. In the sort strictly religious sense I guess that it goes to be with God - who by the way is obviously a woman’ Patrick chuckled at that. ‘And there’s a lot of stuff about whether you go to some afterlife-Garden of Eden type situation, or whether we’re waiting on a resurrection or.’ he waved his free hand ‘It’s complicated and I’m not exactly an expert.’ he pause ‘I mean I guess even a Rabbi isn’t an expert until you know...after.’ he was rambling and stalling. Patrick leaned his head on his shoulder stilling him a bit. He exhaled, and leaned his head on Patrick’s. ‘But if you’re asking what I believe.’ he paused again, gathering his thoughts ‘I guess I just believe in that soul, that there must be I dunno somewhere for whoever you are to go after. And I don’t believe in all these arbitrary markers of whether we’re good or bad she’ he emphasised the pronoun there ‘Is far too busy for that.’ he squeezed Patrick’s hand ‘I guess I just think if you’ve got a good heart and don’t like, run around murdering people, then you’ll be ok with God and you get to’ he shrugged and Patrick sat up ‘I don’t know, be at peace somewhere.’ he glanced over ‘is that dumb?’ 

Patrick smiled. ‘It sounds.’ he tried to think of the words 'Entirely beautiful, and all I would want for anyone I love.’ he smiled sadly, and David leaned in and kissed his forehead.’ Patrick leaned back into him and David wrapped an arm around him. 

‘Tomorrow we’ll start your Hebrew lessons Ok?’ he said kissing the top of his head. 

Patrick smiled ‘Deal’ he let David hold him a while longer before they unravelled from each other and crawled into bed. 

David wasn’t sure what woke him up, but when he blinked his eyes open in the dark, Patrick was lying next to him, but twitching in his sleep, he then let out an incomprehensible but slightly distressed sounding noise. He turned over away from David muttering to himself more rapidly now, then flipped onto his back and waved an arm that narrowly missed David. He was still muttering- not unusual, quite endearingly he was the one of them to talk in his sleep. He was clearly dreaming, and David wondered what the right approach was- let him sleep and hope it passed, or wake him up and risk him not getting back to sleep. He continued to twitch and mutter a bit, his head moved back and forth and he waved an arm. Had he also not looked so unhappy- even fast asleep- it would have been amusing. David clearly heard the next word though. 

‘Dad?! He half shouted followed by a ‘No!’

David made a snap decision and reached over, gently pulling him over onto his back. 

‘Patrick, hey, Patrick you’re dreaming yeah?’ 

He heard him gasp then go still, noticing his chest rising and falling rapidly. 

‘You awake?’ David tried again softly. Patrick lifted his hands to his face and rubbed them over his eyes, trying to reorient himself.

David reached out and went to stroke his hair, realising he was clammy with sweat. He made a soft noise of sympathy ‘Bad dream?’ he asked. 

‘Hmm’ Patrick hummed, trying to level off his breathing. He was awake. He was in bed. It was fine. But why wouldn’t his heart stop racing. ‘Sorry, woke you..’ he leaned over and took a gulp of water from the glass on his nightstand. His heart was still pounding. He exhaled and lay back down. He closed his eyes and for a second tried to tough it out, but instead he rolled into David with a force that made him let out a soft ‘oof’ before he wrapped his arm around him, and ran a hand over his hair. 

David could feel Patrick’s breathing still a bit erratic, could sense his heart was pounding. ‘It’s over now.’ he muttered into his hair. Patrick sighed and buried himself a bit deeper into David, who happily complied and wrapped himself a bit tighter. 

He’d been happily asleep. Enjoying both being in his own bed, with his own boyfriend. Aside from the couple of nights he’d let himself take the sleeping pills- the night of the funeral, and last night after the argument with his Mom, sleep had been erratic at best. So falling asleep immediately tonight, helped no doubt by his own bed, and having David there, felt particularly creully stolen by his dreams waking him up. More so, he was still, ridiculously he told himself, feeling frightened despite knowing full well he was awake. He clawed his hand into David’s t-shirt burying his head in deeper. 

‘Hey it’s ok, you’re ok now yeah?’ David muttered at him, kissing his head. He knew full well how terrifying bad dreams were, they were part of his long list of things his head did to mess with him. He’d never known it happen, at least to this extent, to Patrick, so he got why he was feeling on edge. 

Patrick’s heart still pounded in his chest and he flashed back to the dream. In a terrible cliche manner it had felt so real. His Dad had been standing at the kitchen counter, and he’d cut his hand. And there was suddenly so much blood. More blood than Patrick had ever seen in his life. And he couldn’t stop it. It was everywhere. He’d looked down and it was all over him. In his dream he’d been shouting and nobody had heard. And then he’d looked at himself and blood was pouring from his own hand. And he’d called for his Dad and he wasn’t there. And then just falling, and blackness. He must have slipped back to sleep, because he started awake again, pulling himself up from it again, feeling the nameless black space creeping around him. He felt David tighten his grip again, and he tried to breathe into him and relax. 

He’d felt him slip off to sleep again, only to start awake barely a couple of minutes later. He tightened his hold on him immediately, letting him know he was there, he was safe. He’d stay awake as long as he could just to make sure. This was a new kind of helpless feeling. Just wanting to help and knowing all he could do was lay there and wait. Just in case. Patrick slumped into sleep again and he buried his face in his hair, willing him to get through all this ok. 

Sixteen Years later 

Patrick slipped into the Storeroom while David was with a customer. There was some in-depth question about the knits that Patrick couldn’t answer, but David had lept into action. He could hear him chattering away happily about the wool, and the design and a whole host of other things Patrick didn’t really understand. He couldn’t explain why that had set him off. But he could feel something pull at his chest and he knew he had to hide just for a minute. He’d meant to just lean on the shelves out the back and catch his breath. But instead he found himself sinking to the floor and pulling his knees up to his chest. 

He felt tears run down his face and he didn’t bother to check them. He’d just give himself a minute. A minute to do that. Then he’d be ok. 

He must have taken more than a minute. He’d zoned out whatever was happening in the Store and got lost in his own thoughts. Because it felt like mere moments later David had appeared in the doorway. 

‘I thought hiding out here was my move?’ he said. 

Patrick wiped at his face. ‘Fuck. Sorry.’ he said moving to get up ‘I just thought I’d take…’

‘Sit.’ David said, easing himself to the floor. ‘Oof.’ he commented pulling his knees up ‘We’re getting too old for this. We need a chair back here.’ 

Patrick laughed ‘What the crying chair?’

‘No crying in baseball.’ David said seriously. 

‘That doesn’t count as baseball knowledge we’ve had this conversation.’ Patrick smiled. 

‘Made you smile though.’ David said looping an arm around him. Patrick smiled and looked over at him, he looked tired. David knew he wasn’t sleeping well, though he was trying to hide it. David took a moment to look at him too. His face was barely changed from when they first met, annoyingly his husband seemed to have a gift of an eternal baby-face. Though he had soft lines around his eyes, and his hair was flecked with a bit of grey- more visible now he wore it a bit longer, and the soft wave of it was undeniably gorgeous. David couldn’t resist, he leaned in for a kiss, before wiping at the tears on Patrick’s cheeks. He sniffed in response. ‘You’re such a snotty crier.’ David said with a smirk. Patrick laughed again. 

‘Sorry.’ he said ‘for the snot and...this.’ 

‘Nope.’ David shook his head ‘You don’t get to apologise for-’

‘Hiding in the Storeroom to cry.’ Patrick shook his head. 

‘Hey this Storeroom has seen far worse.’ David raised an eyebrow. Patrick leaned into him. 

‘Oh I remember.’ he said, kissing him deeply. David’s hands worked their way up to his face, and Patrick tried to work his way under David’s sweater, for which he was swatted away. 

‘No distracting me.’ David said, leaning in for one more kiss ‘Yet anyway.’ he said with a final raise of his eyebrow. ‘Talk to me.’ he said seriously. 

Patrick sighed and dropped his head. It was nothing and everything. As ever this time of year. ‘I was just thinking how happy I am. Still am.’ he said lifting his head ‘I was watching you with that customer, and I thought how happy I was, how lucky I am, all these years later and…’ he trailed off and shrugged ‘Some years are harder than others.’ he sighed again ‘Fuck I’m sorry, you don’t need to hear that, not right now. None of this in fact.’ 

David looped his arm around his husband. ‘Actually, I think I did.’ he said ‘Because that means some years are easier.’ he sniffed as he fought back tears unsuccessfully, and wiped at his eyes. ‘I know Thanksgiving is always a weird time of year for you, but I see you enjoying it anyway and it gives me hope...it won’t always feel this way.’ he wiped furiously at his eyes now. It had only been two months without his Dad, eight without his Mom and to say it was a rollercoaster for both of them was an understatement. He’d managed to get back to something resembling functional, but some days just barely. And he knew, although they were very different in their way of processing things, from watching his husband for sixteen years, that this was just the start of the journey. 

‘Thank you.’ Patrick said softly. ‘I just wish he’d known us longer you know?’

David nodded. He wished it too. Along with all the hours with his parents he wished for that he’d missed out on, as a kid, and since. All of it. 

Patrick wiped his eyes. ‘How are you doing?’ he asked. 

David shrugged ‘Right now, fine. In two hours who knows.’ Patrick leaned his head on his husband’s shoulder. 

‘Seems about right.’ he said. Then suddenly remembered ‘Oh Katherine called, can we switch our session to tomorrow morning? I said yes, I figured we might want to, before the holiday weekend.’

David laughed ‘I’d say both of us crying on the floor of the Storeroom means we probably do need to keep the therapy appointment yeah.’ he said, kissing the top of Patrick’s head as he laughed too. 

They sat for a moment, in comfortable silence. Patrick sighed. ‘You’re doing better than I was at this point David.’ he said, and felt David feel for his hand in the semi darkness. 

‘Couldn’t have done it without you’ David said quietly. 

‘Ditto.’ Patrick said. And felt David laugh. 

‘Ok Swazye’ he said. 

‘You’d rock Demi’s hair.’

‘Oh I would.’ 

They laughed again. And the bell chimed so David hauled himself up, offering a hand to his husband. He stopped as they got into the Store. 

‘I’m really happy too.’ he said, just in case his husband needed to hear it today. Patrick smiled at him, then nodded towards the customer, David felt his eyes still on him as he bounded over to help them with the bath salts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short, hopefully quite sweet update to Patrick's journey. I really enjoy thinking about David's relationship to his faith, and I love the idea of him 'growing into it'. 
> 
> Think of this as a quiet lull before a storm that's brewing.


	10. Got to go through it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick is home, the funeral is over. But life is a long way from normal yet.

Ten Years Later

At 5am Patrick thought he was in no danger of his husband following him downstairs. Which was why at 4am, when he’d finally given up on sleep he’d come down and started baking. He didn’t really need to be starting the Thanksgiving pies this early but it was better than staring at the ceiling for another three hours. And if he was honest he found it soothing. When he’d come down he’d still be slightly rattled by the dream. And by now he knew better than to try going back to sleep. 

David shuffled into the kitchen carrying Patrick’s hoodie with him. He yawned as he held it out. ‘Knew you’d forget to bring it.’ he said ‘It’s cold.’ 

Patrick dutifully pulled it on and pushed up the sleeves to avoid them getting covered in flour. David wrapped his arms around him from behind and kissed his neck. ‘It’s early. Or late. I don’t know.’ he sounded groggy and grumpy. 

‘Go back to bed.’ Patrick replied. 

‘Are you going back to bed?’ David asked folding his arms and leaning on the counter. 

‘No I’m making a start on Thanksgiving pies.’ Patrick said stubbornly. 

‘Then I’m helping.’ David said. He saw his husband roll his eyes. But dutifully passed him some canned pumpkin. Which he began to open and spoon into a dish to add spice to. They worked in silence for a bit. ‘Bad dream?’ David asked, still focused on his bowl. 

‘Mmm.’ Patrick said. He paused ‘I can never work out why they…’ he shrugged. Went back to his pastry. After a while of working in silence he stopped. ‘It was me this time.’ he said ‘I was dreaming I was covered in…and then I was...’ he couldn’t finish the thought he blinked back tears and he noticed his hands were shaking in the pastry mix. 

David abandoned his mixing and wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in his neck for a moment. ‘You’re fine. You’re awake. And you’re fine.’

‘Am I?’ Patrick said, the comment was weighted and they knew it. 

‘Yes.’ David said confidently. ‘Because I refuse any other truth.’

Patrick spun around and kissed his husband urgently, desperately, wrapping pastry covered arms around his neck. David kissed back with equal passion. Then held on for a bit. 

‘Come on. If we’re up, pie making.’ he playfully dotted some flour on his husband’s nose and gave him a wicked grin. 

Ten years earlier, Sunday. 

He got home from rehearsal at around one. At least that was out of the way for the day. And it had gotten him out of the apartment first thing. He ached a bit having not done any dancing for two weeks. He couldn’t help but think Mrs Rose had done that on purpose. To remind him how much he’d missed. There might be sympathy at home but not in the theatre. He could actually hear her saying that. He’d said to David’ they’d do something this afternoon. He checked his phone, nothing from him. And he’d know they were done when his Mom got home. He considered a shower. But figured a lie down to save his aching muscles couldn’t hurt. He’d stretch in a bit. He crawled into bed. Not quite under the covers, that felt like going back to bed. But lying on his side on top of the covers didn’t quite feel like giving in. He’d give himself ten minutes before getting himself ready for the rest of the day. 

He stared at the wall for 20 minutes without registering the time going past. 30 minutes later his phone pinged and David said he was on his way. David-time meant at least 10 minutes after that. With the 15 minutes it took him to get there, Patrick’s 10 minute lie down had been nearly an hour by the time David walked in. 

David could stop the slight sinking feeling when he came in and saw Patrick lying in bed. He’d hoped getting up for rehearsals would have kept him going for a bit longer. Filing away that feeling he walked over to the bed. 

‘Hey there.’ he said as chirpily as he could, perching on the edge of the bed ‘Did my Mom work you that hard the first day back?’

Patrick hadn’t been asleep. Which somehow felt worse. He didn’t really moved when David approached. Which also didn’t fill him with optimism. But he looked up and offered a smile, which was something. 

‘Something like that.’ he stretched a little and let himself be pulled into David’s kiss. ‘I’ll ache tomorrow for sure.’ he said. 

‘Hmm.’ David said. ‘How about you shower and we’ll head out for lunch.’

‘Mmm’ Patrick responded ‘we don’t have to go out you know we can stay here...there’s so much food in the fridge.’ he gestured noncommittally in the direction of the kitchen. 

David considered a moment. He could push. Make him get up and go out. But he’d already been to rehearsal today. He’d seen other people. It was Sunday he reasoned with himself. There was no reason they couldn’t have a lazy day. 

‘Ok then.’ he said ‘You shower, I’ll heat up lunch.’

‘I’m fine I’ll just be over in a bit.’

David tried another tactic. ‘We can’t do a movie afternoon in bed with you still in jeans. You might as well shower now. Scoot.’ he said with a playful pat to Patrick’s ass as he got up. 

His enforced frivolity, or at least refusal to give up got him a nod. Patrick hauled himself upwards. He rested a hand on David as he went past, he looked beaten. David felt guilty, for forcing him to move. He bit his lip, unsure where the line between letting him do what he needed, and forcing him to take care of himself was. For now that probably both rested on feeding him at least so he made his way to the kitchen to make them some sandwiches.

They spent the afternoon quietly together, alternating between reading and watching a movie. Some old drama that Patrick vaguely had a memory of seeing once before but he drifted in and out of. It was quiet, but not strained. David seemed content to let Patrick half watch a film or barely focus on his book, occasionally refilling his tea, or bringing him cookies which he picked at. At 6.30 David put another one of the mystery dishes from the fridge in to warm, and they ate in front of the TV watching some Masterchef episodes they had been saving.

Patrick, clearly having burnt off some energy in rehearsals, found himself hungry enough to eat all his dinner which seemed to appease David. He got up and cleared away, then answered the phone to his Mom while David watched some kind of reality show. His Mom was fine today it seemed, with tales of her lunch with Karen that filled the silences, saving Patrick from thinking of anything to say. He offered her an update on rehearsals and had David shout hello and she went to ‘let him have his evening’. He put his phone on the bedside table and was suddenly exhausted again. But he pulled himself up and took himself back to the sofa. 

David smiled and pulled him into a one-armed hug kissing the top of his head. It had been a good day he thought. Quiet but good, as close to a normal Sunday as they’d had. Patrick sat up again as he reached for the remote to turn off whichever Real Housewives had been shouting at each other. He gestured to the TV. 

‘Another film?’ he offered ‘Or we could find a show to watch…’

Patrick shrugged, ‘I don’t mind.’ he said settling against the sofa. 

David leaned over and pulled Patrick towards him ‘Or we could…’ he said leaning in and kissing him. Patrick returned the kiss for a moment and pulled back. His eyes flicked down. 

‘Actually, I’m just a bit, tired’ he said. He shifted away from David slightly on the sofa, not visibly moving away but enough that there was distance between them. He felt awful even in the moment. But for some reason he couldn’t even entertain the thought of...anything tonight. 

‘It’s fine.’ David said, he reached an arm over to Patrick and tried not to feel the tension there ‘Really, it’s fine.’ he said. He pulled back. ‘Actually I was thinking I should head home tonight...you know laundry to do, should see my parents.’ he didn’t know why but instinctively he suddenly felt Patrick needed some space. 

‘Ok.’ Patrick nodded tensely. He felt awful. He knew he was pushing David away, almost literally. But he felt powerless to do anything about it. 

‘Ok then I’ll head out.’ David said. He leaned in and kissed Patrick’s cheek ‘Get an early night ok?’

‘Hmm’ Patrick nodded. He could feel David’s eyes on him as he gathered his things to go. He leaned over once more, for an awkward over the sofa hug goodbye, which Patrick could feel himself tolerating but not returning. When David left he folded forward onto his knees. And heard himself make a soft growl of a sound. He picked up his sofa cushion and threw it across the floor. Feeling marginally better he threw the rest of them. And sighed. All he’d really succeeded in making was a mess. He considered cleaning up, but instead took himself back to bed. He opened the drawer and pulled out the bag of sleeping pills. He assumed two wouldn’t be an excessive dose and downed two of them with the remains of his water. He had just enough time to use the bathroom and refill his water before the effects took hold and he was merfi fully drifting off. He didn’t hear his phone ping with David texting him to say he was home. Or the next saying goodnight.

At the Motel David did his best to convince himself Patrick had just gone to bed. He was tired. He was depressed clearly. It wasn’t about him. Still he didn’t sleep well that night.

A few days later, Patrick was on the phone with his Mom. The first half of the conversation seemed fairly amicable, but then Patrick had disappeared into the Storeroom. Presumably wanting to be professional in front of a customer, David thought nothing more of it. When he finished with the customer, still at the register he heard the end of the conversation. 

‘No I’m just saying it’s not my fault that-no I didn’t say you were did I? Did I say that Mom? Really? Really did I? I can’t talk now. No, Mom I’m at work I-no I’m going. I’m-bye Mom.’ 

David flinched as he imagined that hang up. Patrick emerged from the storeroom saw David was there, and clearly had heard. 

‘I’m going to get a coffee.’ he said and without looking back, headed out the door. Stormed out David realised, as the bell clanged behind him. 

Again he tried to write it off. Tiredness. Stress. Honestly, David snapped at his own Mom worse than that over nothing at all. But it nagged at him, that it wasn’t Patrick. He wasn’t David, thank goodness. 

He came back with a coffee for David, and the afternoon resumed. As they were saying goodbye as Parick headed off to rehearsals, David shifted back and forth. 

‘Do you want to...have dinner later or…?’ he hadn’t stayed at Patrick’s since Sunday night, it was now Thursday. 

‘Um, I think we’re gonna go late again tonight. Don’t wait for me.’ Patrick said ‘I’ll just see you tomorrow?’

David nodded. He leaned down and kissed his boyfriend, who returned it lightly. And he tried to chase away the thought that normally, another night apart would mean much more than a light kiss goodbye. He nodded ‘Love you.’ he said. 

‘Love you too.’ Patrick said. And David couldn’t ignore the tinge of sadness in his voice. He watched him go before heading home, texting Stevie as he went hoping she was free to distract him with a drink. He knew some things just took time to work through. And some of this he had to step back and let them work through. 

The next few days followed similar patterns. Patrick was fine-but-not. He was at work. He was working harder than normal in fact. David noticed he was in earlier- he could tell by the time the till was logged in from- and the days he didn’t have rehearsals he stayed later. Telling David they had mid-year budgets and business grants to apply for. All of which David knew was true, but he also knew he didn’t need to do it all quite so urgently or thoroughly But if it helped, he supposed it was fine. And he was fine in the Store. Except when he wasn’t. He snapped more readily at David. And there were two more clipped conversations with his Mom. David sent texts checking in. But she batted him away with a ‘fine’. David hadn’t been to Patrick’s place since Sunday. They said goodbye at the Store. And two days Patrick hadn’t even sent a goodnight text. He kept reminding himself it wasn’t about him. 

On Friday Patrick had enough of himself. He knew he was miserable. He knew he was pushing his boyfriend away. He even knew he was being mean to his Mom at times. And he felt powerless to do anything about it. So he tried to do something about it. 

‘Come over for dinner tonight?’ he asked, with what sounded like forced casualness, as David re-arranged the window display. ‘There’s no rehearsal.’ 

David looked over at him and nodded. ‘Ok.’ he said. ‘I could use a night with no set design talk at home.’

Patrick nodded. He could do this. He could do normal. In fact he’d make it better than normal. Perhaps that was the way through.   
It was the pan’s fault. The stupid baking pan’s fault. If it hadn’t fallen out of the cupboard on him, he’d have been fine. He’d been looking for ten minutes. He’d had it at Thanksgiving and he was going to use it to bake a cake for the weekend. Part of his commitment to becoming a functioning human, a functioning boyfriend again. It was only around 7, he’d got home from Cabaret rehearsal, and he had time to make a start before David got there. He was going to surprise him with both a cake and how totally fine he was now doing. Except he couldn’t find the right pan. He went through cupboard after cupboard. Nothing. He got angry at it, slamming the doors. He emptied pans and dishes onto the floor around him searching. Falling over them as he went. His kitchen wasn’t that big, how was it possible to lose a pan in that? And yet. And then it appeared. On his third time opening the bottom cupboard there it was, or more accurately there it was falling on him. 

It didn’t hurt. It wasn’t anything really. He got what he wanted. Even if it was falling on him. But it was today’s stupid little thing. And aparently today’s stupid little thing was enough to push him right over an edge he didn’t know he was on. Something cracked in him and he threw the pan across the kitchen, angry tears forming as he did so. He refused to give in. But he also couldn’t move. He sunk down to the floor. And just stared into space. 

His phone rang. ‘Mom’ flashed on the screen. He sighed. 

‘Yeah?’ he said noncommittally as he answered. 

‘Oh well that’s a nice greeting.’ Marcy snapped. ‘I won’t bother talking to you if that’s how you feel.’ 

‘No, Mom, wait. I just…’ he looked helplessly around the kitchen ‘I was in the middle of something, I made a mess of it...nevermind.’ he said. 

‘Look if you’re too busy to bother with me I understand.’ his Mom’s tone was tense, just like it was every day lately . 

‘No Mom I-’ he was interrupted by David walking in. He took one look at the mess, not registering Patrick was on the phone. 

‘The fuck happened here!?’ he exclaimed. 

‘Oh David’s home I guess you need to go.’ Marcy said ‘I’d call you in the Store but you’re always busy there too.’

‘Mom wait- no- I’

‘Sorry!’ David exclaimed. And then tripped over a pan sending it clattering. 

‘I’ll go.’ Marcy said. 

‘Wait Mom!’ she hung up. Patrick slammed his hand against the phone ‘David will you-’ he caught himself. ‘Nevermind.’

‘Um hello, I came into this like Gordon Ramsey nightmare kitchen scenario and you’re bitching at your Mom- again- and it’s my fault?’ David huffed. A little harsher than he intended too. ‘Look what’s going on?’ he asked, gesturing at the mess. 

Patrick hung his head for a second then hauled himself to his feet, picking up pans as he went. ‘It’s stupid.’ he said shoving some into the cupbaord with more force than they needed, which of course meant they immediately flew back out. ‘Fuck!’ he shouted, half kicking away the one that landed next to his feet. He leaned on the counter back to David. 

David shook his head and took a couple of steps towards him, a snap decision to try distraction techniques today ‘Why don’t we think about something else?’ he said his voice low, leaning in and kissing Patrick’s neck. He started a bit but he assumed he hadn’t sensed him approach in his rage at the pans. David reached for him, his hand working up his side and between his shoulder blades, when he felt him flinch away. David stopped. Patrick dipped his head. 

‘Fuck. Sorry. I didn’t mean.’ 

‘No it’s ok.’ David moved his hands away and stepped back. 

‘No David come on, come here I can.’ Patrick turned and took a step towards him and David stopped him with a hand on his shoulders. 

‘No.’ he said firmly, he saw Patrick throw him an angry look ‘Remember what I said? Expert on self-sabotaging sex.’ he raised an eyebrow, Patrick looked like he was about to object ‘Your body said no even if you didn’t. It’s a no.’ David held firm on his shoulders and Patrick sagged. 

‘I don’t know why...it’s not you.’ he shrugged and walked away throwing himself down in his chair. David trailed after him. He stood for a second and Patrick flicked his eyes up at him. David dropped down, bending down next to the chair, hands resting on the arm. He looked at Patrick for a moment thinking. 

‘Is it just...sex or is it…’ he let it hang, ‘I’m not mad I just want to know so I know what to...what not to.’

Patrick sighed. And shrugged. He couldn’t explain it. He wanted to touch David, he wanted his touch- his familiar arms looped over him, their easy back and fore everyday touch. But for days gradually it almost felt like he was retreating in on himself, contracting. And he didn’t want that touch. As much as he longed for it. 

‘Ah.’ David said. 

‘I can’t explain it.’ he said ‘It just feels like I’m…’

‘Retreating in on yourself?’ 

Patrick didn’t answer. He looked down suddenly really interested in the arm of the chair. That was the best description of it. He felt like a tortoise retreating inside its shell. And the more it happened the more it frustrated him, and the more he felt it.

David watched him, he could see he was at war with this in his head. If he was guessing he would say that allowing himself to be intimate- even in the sense of everyday touch- was a line of vulnerability. Which might let his emotions do whatever they desperately wanted or needed to. And he also guessed Patrick didn’t know he was doing everything he could to hold those in right now. 

‘I was trying to bake a cake.’ Patrick said at last, ‘A stupid fucking cake to show you that I was ok. That we could have a nice normal weekend or something. And I couldn’t find the tin and then my Mom called and she got mad. Again.’

David smiled, even though Patrick couldn’t see, because he was still looking down. 

‘And.’ Patrick continued, ‘I just want to...be normal, with you. And I can’t and I don’t know why and…’ he sighed. 

David shifted to his knees, scooting closer to the chair. He leaned against it so he was next to Patrick’s legs, but not touching him. He rested his elbows on the arm of the chair, again close to but not touching. 

‘I don’t need a cake.’ he said ‘I mean I always need cake, it's a major food group’ that earned him a chuckle, ‘But I don’t need you to make me a cake to prove anything.’

Patrick made a non committal sound. 

‘Look, I won’t pretend this isn't hard.’ David said. ‘I love you and it hurts to see you hurting and not be able to do anything. And yes, my instinct is to hold you or even to have sex with you because I think it helps, because it’s a way of saying I’m here, of saying things I don’t have words for even though I never stop talking.’ Patrick finally lifted his face and looked at him with a small smile, ‘But we’ve got to follow your lead here, even if you don’t know where you’re leading us right now- I don’t know that’s a stupid analogy, but you know what I mean. And even when you don’t know what you want or need. And I know I’m impatient, and I want things done my way but not this? Not this ok? This is your way, whatever that is.’ he paused and Patrick nodded slowly, ‘I just want to help.’ David said softly. Patrick nodded again. David nodded back. He rested his head on the arm of the chair, and Patrick reached for his hair and ran his hand over it. David smiled up at him, and reached over for his other hand, which was resting on the opposite armrest. He only held it briefly, but long enough to say ‘I’m here.’ 

Patrick kept his hand in David’s hair for a moment, enjoying the connection. Cursing himself, his mind or body or whatever combination kept denying him this. He felt David’s reassuring hand on his for just a second and felt himself drinking it in forcing himself to remember that felt good, that he needed it. Maybe he could start to override the part of him that was pulling away. They were quiet and still for a minute. 

‘I just want life to go back to normal.’ Patrick said sadly. For a while the words just hung there, both of them knowing they couldn’t. 

‘Maybe.’ David said eventually, ‘You- we- have to go through the extreme of not normal first to get there.’

Patrick was quiet a moment. 

‘What?’ David asked knowing without looking at him. 

‘I don’t know how much more not normal I can take.’

David closed his eyes against that thought. Against the hurt, and fear he heard there. He shifted upright and in front of Patrick who was leaning his head in his hand hiding his face. David reached up and gently pulled that hand away and took the other in his. He squeezed them asking Patrick to look at him. 

‘You will get through it. We will get through it.’ he said with more conviction than he honestly felt. He closed his eyes, ‘Do what you need to ok?’ Patrick nodded. 

‘I think I need to go to bed.’ he said, sounding exhausted. David nodded. It might only be 7.30 at night but if that’s what he needed. ‘Can you stay?’ he asked.

‘Of course.’ 

He somehow knew he was dreaming. But he also couldn’t wake up. There was blood everywhere, all over him. The floor everywhere he looked. He knew his Dad was there somewhere, but he couldn’t see him. He knew he needed to find him, and quickly, but he couldn’t seem to see. Was it blood in his eyes? Or was he just going blind? He couldn’t tell. But the walls, or wherever he was kept closing in. And he couldn’t find his Dad. Or David, he was suddenly consumed with a fear for him too. For them both. He could see his hands covered in blood too, sticky and wet. He ran outside of wherever he was, his Dad was in the distance. He was shouting after him but he was getting further away. He started to run towards him but he fell into nothingness darkness. But he was still shouting. He was still shouting when he woke up. 

‘Dad!’ he heard himself shout ‘Come back!’ then whether part of the dream or not he heard himself shout for David. Who he quickly registered had already been speaking, talking, trying to bring him back. 

‘Yes, I’m here, you’re ok.’ getting no response from his soothing approach David raised his voice slightly ‘Patrick!’ he said ‘Patrick you’re awake now ok?’ 

He stopped. Sitting upright now. Looking around him confused. He knew he was awake, in his bed and yet his brain refused to catch up. 

‘You’re awake.’ David’s voice came from behind and he felt his hand on the back of his neck. ‘You’re awake.’ 

Patrick slumped forward. Breathing a bit heavily as he tried to steady himself. He felt David scoot forward and wrap his arms around him. 

‘You were dreaming ok?’ Patrick nodded. ‘But you’re awake now and it’s ok.’ David just held onto him. Feeling Patrick’s hands clawing up at his arms. He was damp with sweat and he could feel his heart racing. But he was calming down. That scream had been like nothing he’d heard. He wasn’t even sure Patrick knew he’d made a noise like that. He’d carried on shouting- for his Dad and for David after, but he wasn’t sure he was properly awake. David sat himself up a bit and ran his hand over Patrick’s hair- he was actually drenched in sweat. And shivering a bit now he was sat up. ‘Stay put.’ David muttered and reached across from his side of the bed to the chair where he’d draped his sweater. He pulled it into bed with him and then over Patrick’s head. He obediently worked his way into it without actually registering what was happening. But David sent out a silent thank you when he saw Patrick sniff at the sweater and visibly relax a bit as he burrowed into the oversized fabric. David rubbed his hands up and down Patrick’s arms. ‘How about some tea?’ he asked. It was about 3am, but he sensed they were both too wide awake to immediately sleep. Patrick nodded. 

He barely registered anything until David pulled his sweater over him. It was silly but it felt like an instant soothing blanket over him. It’s familiar scent and the warmth he didn’t know he needed. David got up and went to the kitchen to make tea. And suddenly Patrick didn’t want to be alone. For all his retreating into himself the sudden distance felt too much, he felt panicked even. He got up and went to the kitchen. He didn’t speak but David instantly wrapped his arms around him, sensing what he needed. They stood with David’s head resting on top of his while the kettle boiled. David released him just long enough to make the tea. And he didn’t object when Patrick went to the sofa not the bed. Again maybe sensing his need for a bit of distance between the bed, and what had just happened, and himself. He must have fallen asleep again because the next thing he remembered was starting awake again, with no memory this time of what he’d dreamed, but he was still on the sofa with David next to him. Once he’d steadied himself David led him back to bed again. This time he must have slept through until late because David was already up and pottering around the apartment. He considered getting up, but his body felt too heavy, and he drifted off again. Until David came back to bed with toast and tea, and then let him curl up again a while longer. He didn’t feel right about it. But he also couldn’t bring himself to haul himself up out of bed either. So he stayed put, telling himself soon, he’d get up soon. 

It was Monday afternoon, around two thirty, their day off from the Store and usually a quiet day- or a day they spent apart getting their respective life admin out of the way before a busy week. But today, Patrick hadn’t moved. He’d eaten some toast at 11, which might have been breakfast, might have been lunch. Half eaten anyway. And David had cleaned the apartment, quietly mostly, but sometimes less quietly in the hope it would rouse Patrick. But it didn’t. He had fully crashed today. David tried to tell himself it had been a rough night- he was exhausted too. He longed to tell him to get up. But he knew tomorrow and a sense of obligation to the Store would force him to that. And he wasn’t sure which was worse. By two he knew he needed a break. But spent half an hour debating silently with himself, consumed with guilt over his desire for a breather. Eventually he came and perched on the bed. 

‘I need to go home for a bit, I promised my Mom that set design help.’ he ran a hand over Patrick’s back ‘You be ok for a bit?’ 

‘Hmm.’ he said ‘I’ll just…’ he gestured in a non committal way. 

‘It’s ok to have a rest.’ David said, trying to keep the sadness out of his voice. He leaned over and kissed his cheek ‘Love you. I’ll be back later.’ 

Patrick didn’t move as David left, he just stared at the wall. He was tired. And as much as he could try and tell himself it was a long week, he’d been busy, he’d not got much sleep last night. But he knew it was more than that. Still right now he didn’t have the energy to fight it. He pulled the old blanket over himself and closed his eyes embracing the silence for a bit. 

David arrived back at the Motel to silence. He was relieved. He dropped his bag down and wandered to the bathroom and splashed some water on his face. He looked tired, he knew, he felt tired. He wandered towards his parents room just to check. Nobody there. The initial relief disappeared and he felt a wave of sadness for some reason. He flopped down on their bed and picked up the book his Mom was clearly reading. Some terrible thriller. He had nowhere to be for a bit, and he was tired. He lay on his side and started reading, enjoying a moment of ...nothing. And the trashy book. He shifted so he was on the pillow, book propped up next to him. He was just tired. Maybe as nobody was home he could just rest a bit. In minutes he was asleep. 

Moira arrived back at around four, letting herself in she jumped seeing someone in the room. Catching herself just before she shouted, she realised it was David. 

‘Oh my boy.’ she said with a tilt of her head shutting the door softly. She walked as quietly as platform heels would allow over to him and eased her book out of his hands. She wondered how long he’d been there. And more importantly why he was here at three in the afternoon. Still she thought, let him be. She walked to the bathroom door and grabbed John’s robe and laid it over him. He stirred a bit but didn’t wake up. She smoothed his hair down and took her book to John’s side of the bed. 

Around an hour later John stuck his head into the room, looking for his wife, he clicked open the door not actually expecting to find her and saw both her and David in their bed. Moira lifted a finger to her lips. 

‘Everything ok?’ he asked softly. 

‘Just exhausted I think’ she said quietly and rested a hand on her son’s shoulder. He stirred. 

‘Patrick?’ he asked ‘You ok?’

‘No David it’s us.’ Johnny said ‘Are you ok?’

David blinked awake and sat up. ‘Oh God. Sorry, I ...fuck what time is it.’

‘It’s nearly five.’ Johnny said ‘Are you ok David?’ 

‘Hmm.’ He said, ‘Sorry, I came home for some stuff and…’ he flopped back against the headboard ‘I’m just really fucking tired.’ he closed his eyes. 

‘How about I make some tea.’ Johnny said. 

‘John?’ Moira said. 

‘Well it is after five…’ Johnny said. He went to the cupboard and pulled out a whiskey bottle. He poured three glasses and took them over to the bed and handed one to David who took a sip and made a face. But continued drinking anyway. ‘You’re taking on a lot.’ Johnny said, ‘Is there anyone you can ask for help…’

‘With what? Babysitting my boyfriend because I’m too worried to leave him alone for a day?’ David snapped. ‘Sorry.’ he said. 

‘I don’t know could you both take a day off from the Store, I’m sure your sister or Stevie would gladly help out there.’ Johnny took a sip of his drink. David looked tired, but also stressed. He knew he’d been taking the bulk of the work at the Store even though Patrick was back. He’d been asking Johnny for more and more financial advice, he assumed Patrick’s mind was elsewhere. He was answered by David’s response. 

‘No. He’d lose his mind if he knew I was coming to you for help.’ he sighed ‘He wants to be busy. And I get that. But he’s also not...him.’ he sighed ‘I don’t care about the Store, none of it is stuff I can’t do, or do with your help.’ he threw his Dad a glance of thanks. ‘But I can’t make him take a day off he’s...worse when he’s got nothing to do. Today I left him just...in bed.’ he rolled his eyes ‘Which, granted…’ he gestured. ‘We didn’t sleep last night he...kept dreaming, fuck sorry I shouldn’t be telling you this I’m a terrible, terrible boyfriend.’

‘Sounds like you needed to tell someone.’ Moira said gently, resting her hand on his arm. ‘And it’s probably difficult to tell Stevie, because she’s his friend too.’

David hummed an agreement. He’d been batting away Stevie’s questions with ‘fine’ and ‘you know up and down’ because she saw him when he was putting on his ‘game face’ at work or the Store. And he felt like it wasn’t his place to betray that. What Patrick wanted Stevie to know was his business. He also realised something. ‘And he’s the one I’d normally talk to about...stuff.’

Johnny smiled kindly. ‘You know you can talk to your Mom and me.’ David raised his eyebrows, a slight nod to times that wasn’t true, but nodded. 

‘I agree it’s good for him.’ Moira chimed in ‘I’m sure at some point he might need a day or two to...crash.’ she chose her words carefully looking at her husband who looked down at his drink ‘I could always schedule a few ex-tra rehearsals if you wanted to say, have a Saturday in the Store by yourself.’ she winked at him conspiratorially. 

‘You would?’ David asked. 

‘The ensemble could always use some work. And as we know so could Patrick’s dance moves’ she winked again. 

‘Well he does have legs like tree trunks.’ David smiled. ‘Thanks. I mean I think the rehearsals help actually gives him something to focus on.’

Moira smiled ‘I don’t know what you’re thanking me for I’m just making up for the time he missed.’ Moira patted her son’s arm. 

‘And I could always use some help around the Motel, you know Patrick is very practical, he might be useful to help with some of the stuff Roland has broken.’ Johnny said ‘Or there’s a new computer programme for finances we’ve been using and you know Stevie doesn’t do numbers, I could always use some help with that.’

‘Is Patrick stupid enough to think you need help with Excel?’ David raised an eyebrow ‘Actually you probably do need help with Excel.’

‘I can do the math I just can’t get the damn thing to open.’ Johnny grumbled.

‘You just-’ David stopped himself from getting exasperated with his Dad’s lack of technological knowledge. Especially as it was about to work in his favour. ‘Thanks. Is this a bit...I don’t know...conspiratorial?’

‘Dav-id you don’t have to do it all yourself.’ Moira said kindly ‘And if it means a little cre-at-ive thinking to give you a breather, and keep Patrick occupied, so be it.’

David nodded, looking down into his drink. ‘I just feel terrible. Wanting a break from him.’

His Dad rested a hand on his leg ‘Son, you can’t take care of him if you’ve worn yourself out.’ And David did look exhausted. He cursed himself a bit for not noticing sooner, but they had barely seen him this last week or so, because he’d been so consumed with looking after Patrick. 

‘How is he really?’ Moira asked. 

David shrugged. ‘I can’t tell anymore.’ he took a sip of his drink ‘He’s working, he’s rehearsing. Sometimes he’s totally normal, teasing me, or talking about sports. Then he’s quiet again. Or he goes to bed when he gets home. Or he gets up super early and runs.’ he shrugged, biting his lip. 

‘Sounds pretty normal to me.’ Johnny said kindly ‘He’s just working through it.’

David nodded. ‘There’s...I mean something that’s not…’ Moira rested a hand on him ‘He’s really angry. Like really angry. He’s fighting with his Mom, though he thinks he’s hiding it. And he’s mean, accidentally, and not like how we fight, he’ll say something and it’s like it’s not him.’ he exhaled ‘He threw a bottle of body milk this week. He said it fell but…’ David shrugged. He hadn’t told anyone this. He’d not let himself really put the pieces together. 

‘Your Mother has thrown the odd coffee cup in her time’ Johnny smiled over at his wife. 

‘Purely for dramatic purposes John.’ she glared, but with no malice behind it. ‘I agree that’s troublesome.’ Moira said ‘and quite out of character for darling Patrick.’ she looped an arm under David’s. ‘Just keep an eye on him, that’s all you can do.’ 

David nodded. And downed his drink. ‘I should get back. He won’t eat if I’m not there, and maybe I can get him out of bed for a bit if I take something back from the cafe I don’t know.’ he put his glass down and swung his legs over the bed. ‘Sorry for… you know.’ his Dad rested an arm on him before he got up. 

‘You’ll both be ok Son.’ Johnny said. David nodded and finally went into his room to pack some more things.

He did get Patrick to eat a little. He just didn’t get him out of bed. They ate pizza together and David brought the laptop to bed to watch a film. Which Patrick half watched. He was asleep again at eight. He woke up again with a shout at 1am. And let David hold him while he drifted back to sleep. At 4.30 David woke up and found himself alone in bed. He got up and took the blanket with him to the sofa where Patrick was curled up, awake but not doing anything. David wrapped the blanket over them, and put the tv on low as background noise, pulling Patrick into him for a few hours of half-sleep before the morning. 

On Sunday Patrick’s sense of responsibility kicked in and he got up from the sofa at 7am to shower and get ready for the morning’s rehearsals. Instead of going back home after he sent David a text asking him to meet him at the Town Hall after, and persuaded him to go for a walk, then a drive to get groceries. He was quiet, he knew, conversation seemed to elude his slightly foggy brain. But David seemed content to keep up his half of the conversation, and they even managed to wander through Elmdale’s main street before heading home. It had been a little too good to be true he realised when his Mom called. 

He could tell she was upset before they really started talking. But he never knew what to say. Or somehow he’d lost the ability. He remembered David early on in their relationship mocking the ability he and his Mom had for talking, often for hours, envious perhaps that he hadn’t had that before with Moira. But now Patrick never knew what to say. 

‘No Mom, I just...haven’t done anything.’ he heard Patrick say. It was honest but something in his tone suggested it wasn’t an enquiry about how he was. David was trying not to listen in, while he stirred the soup he was heating up for dinner. It was a step up from the toast he knew Patrick would make if left alone. 

‘It’s not that I don’t want to talk, I just have nothing to say!’ he caught a note of irritation in Patrick’s voice. He continued to listen. ‘Well that’s not my fault.’ he heard Patrick mutter. ‘No it’s not!’ he heard and winced. This wasn’t going well. ‘Fine. Fine….I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.’ 

Silence. David turned off the pan. ‘Everything ok?’ he asked, attempting to keep his tone neutral. 

Patrick shrugged, then realised David still had his back to him. ‘Fine.’ he said. 

David wiped his hands and turned around. ‘Didn’t sound fine.’ he said evenly. 

Patrick shrugged again ‘I just can’t do anything right.’ 

David nodded ‘Where parents are concerned I know that feeling.’ he said which earned him a half smile. ‘She’ll be ok. She’s just adjusting.’

Patrick nodded looking down. ‘I can’t talk to her anymore. It’s just a fight or something I’m doing wrong, or there’s nothing to say.’ he sighed. He heard David’s footsteps and then felt his hands on his knees as he bent down in front of him. He lifted his gaze enough to look at him. 

‘I know you’re sick of hearing it, but give it time.’ he said ‘It’s only been three weeks.’ 

Patrick swallowed. Had it only been that long? It felt like a lifetime. ‘You’re going to be so fed up with us. Me.’ 

David shook his head with a half smile. ‘Never.’ he leaned over and gently kissed Patrick’s forehead. ‘Get changed. I'm going to bring this soup over and we’ll have dinner in bed. Just don’t spill it.’ he smiled again, a little forced but hopefully convincing. 

‘David I should...eat at the table it’s…’

David pulled his head towards him and kissed his hair. ‘What are winter evening’s for except going to bed early anyway?’ he asked. He felt Patrick wrap an arm around him. 

‘Thank you.’ he whispered. 

That night, when he woke up with a half shout-half scream, sweating and breathless from another dream, the same dream, David’s arms were already around him, ready to hold on tighter. 

‘Sorry.’ he muttered into David’s chest. 

‘I love you.’ David answered and held on a bit tighter, feeling his boyfriend’s heart racing. ‘I got you.’ 

Ten Years Later 

‘Babe I think I need help!’ David sounded slightly panicked. As Patrick rushed into the kitchen he realised why. There was a pie on the floor. And a David stood over it. ‘Never mind.’ he said sheepishly. ‘It was hot.’ he explained. 

Patrick laughed. It was ridiculous, truly. His husband in a fluffy black and white jumper that always reminded him of a bumblebee, stood over a splattered cherry pie on the floor. He laughed and laughed until he was doubled over. David didn’t look amused at first, then joined in. And before he knew it Patrick was crying too. Laugh-crying at first, but then it gave way to something more. He cursed himself for ruining a moment. And got down to scrape up the pie, he wasn’t doing a great job, as it was hot, and he was using his hands. So he rocked back on his heels and looked up at his husband helplessly. 

‘Now see, I really did ruin things now with the stupid pie.’ David got down on his knees and wiped first at his husband’s face with the apron he was wearing, then took his cherry pie covered hands and wiped them too. ‘No use crying over spilt pie.’ he said. 

Patrick sniffed. And nodded. ‘Sorry.’ he muttered. 

‘You ok?’ David asked, knowing the answer. 

Patrick shook his head. ‘In there with Mom...I feel so guilty. Hiding this from her.’ he bit his lip, and looked down at the mess again. 

David nodded. ‘We can tell her if you want to. But the timing…’

‘I know, Thanksgiving. Dad. she doesn’t need to hear that her son-’ he caught himself and looked up determined not to cry. 

‘That her son is fine. Or he will be.’ David leaned over and kissed him ‘Let’s not worry her either. Wait until we have answers yeah?’ 

Patrick nodded. And wiped at his nose. ‘Let’s clean this pie up before she gets out here and reminds us both we lack suitable culinary skills.’ 

‘Speak for yourself.’ David said flicking the towel in his hand over his shoulder dramatically and offering Patrick a hand up. He leaned down and kissed him ‘Sorry I messed up the pie.’

‘Sorry I cried about it.’ Patrick replied with a smile, returning the kiss. 

‘You always cry at Thanksgiving.’ David said with a soft, sad smile ‘It’s tradition. I love you.’ Patrick smiled back. 

‘And you always make it better. Love you.’ 

‘Do you need help with the pie?’ Marcy’s voice came from the living room. 

‘Fuck, quick get it off the floor!’ David exclaimed, scrambling. And Patrick had to laugh at him once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quieter chapter, but an important moment of 'not much happening, but going through it' moment of grief, before the real healing start. 
> 
> I hope people are still getting something from going through it with these guys, it's certainly teaching me a few things I maybe should have learned a while ago.


	11. Throw all the mugs you like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick's relationship with his Mom reaches a tipping point. But David is still there to pick up the (literal) pieces.

Fifteen Years later. 

Patrick and his Dad had been talking baseball for 20 minutes. In that time David had got up, made a snack, eaten the snack, made them both tea and come back to the laptop. And still they were talking baseball. He worked his hand under his husband’s shirt in an attempt to distract him. Patrick glared at him and laughed. 

‘Johnny I think your son is bored of the baseball chat!’ he said with a giggle as David moved to actually tickling him instead, and swatted him away. He saw Johnny grin through the screen at them. He liked when his Father-in-Law looked happy, it had been so rare these last few months. And despite David’s eye-rolling the intense end of season deconstructing of baseball was the most animated he’d seen Johnny in months. 

‘I’m just debating if I need another snack for round two.’ David said. 

‘Oh no we’re done, for now.’ Johnny winked at Patrick ‘We’ll start the pre-season discussions in about 6 weeks just so you’re warned.’

‘Yes well let’s set up an entirely new call for that shall we, when I’m washing my hair.’ 

Johnny and Patrick laughed. ‘Well that will give us plenty of time at least.’ Patrick said, ruffling his husband’s hair- which now streaked with silver made him look even more like his Dad. As did the glasses he occasionally wore, and though he objected to, knew that Patrick appreciated on many levels. He kissed his cheek to show he was joking. 

David caught something in his Dad’s face as they fooled around then. ‘Dad?’ he said. ‘You ok?’

‘Oh I’m fine David.’ he said with a smile. ‘You two are still in love after all these years, it’s just nice, is all.’ he looked wistful. 

‘Don’t worry Johnny he still drives me crazy too.’ Patrick said but put an arm around his husband smiling at his Father-in-Law again. 

‘Oh I know that. I mean I’ve met him.’ Johnny gave a hearty laugh and seemed his normal self again. 

‘Thanks Dad.’ David said, making a face. Johnny’s face grew serious again. And David frowned, as he did Patrick was as ever struck by their similarity of mannerisms. ‘Dad?’

‘Look, kids.’ Johnny began, Patrick smiled, he didn’t know when he’d started being lumped in with the Roses’ ‘kids’ but it had been many years now, and even if at forty six it was also slightly ridiculous to be referred to as ‘kids’ it always warmed his heart when Johnny said it. ‘Look, I just want to say, you’re both so good for each other, always have been- and I’m so proud of the life you’ve built David. And that you’ve got such a strong love in your life.’ Patrick squeezed his husband ‘Just hold on to that.’

‘I don’t plan on letting him go, Dad.’ David replied ‘It took me long enough to find him’ he leaned over and kissed Patrick’s head. ‘What’s this about?’ he frowned. 

‘Oh nothing, just your old man being sentimental.’ Johnny said ‘Just sometimes I see you two and I think, how lucky you are to find someone.’

‘We know Dad.’ David smiled. 

‘Anyway.’ Johnny said ‘Patrick said you had news?’ 

David grinned at his husband. Finally, post baseball talk he could share it. ‘Well, you know how I used to be like a total disappointment, then I followed into your business footsteps and became like and amazing son?’ David knew he could tease his Dad like this now. 

‘Yes.’ Johnny frowned ‘Not sure I used the words total disappointment ever.’

‘Well’ David continued ‘What’s another thing you did that I never looked like I could do.’

Johnny looked blankly at him and shrugged ‘You’re gonna have to help an old man out.’

Patrick smirked and held up Johnny’s book, which he’d had on the coffee table. 

Johnny narrowed his eyes and peered at the screen ‘My book?’ 

David nodded ‘And.’ he said pulling something from behind him ‘MY book.’

‘Our book.’ Patrick corrected him. 

‘Right’ David said ‘Rose Apothecary Aesthetics’ it’s a coffee table book!’ 

‘Wow!’ Johnny grinned ‘Amazing! Put it up to the camera, show me!’ 

‘There’s one in the mail.’ David said, but then proceeded to walk his Dad through every page, to interested noises, and questions. Patrick sat back and enjoyed it, watching them bounce off each other, Johnny grinning with pride, and bursting with business questions. At one point David glanced over and grinned with such joy and pride Patrick couldn’t help but grin back. 

As they signed off, Johnny waved and said ‘See you next month when you visit yeah?’

‘Dad we’re gonna talk like at the weekend?’ David said. 

‘Love you Johnny.’ Patrick yelled. 

‘Love you kids’

‘Bye Dad.’ David said, going right up to the screen and waving ‘Love you.’ 

Fifteen Years earlier, Wednesday 

The argument had been going on for about 20 minutes. He had no real idea how it started. But they were already at the stage of shouting at one another. The gap from pointed comments or passive aggressive approaches to all out shouting had got smaller and smaller. Today he vaguely remembered it starting with his not being ‘interested’ in what she was saying. And it wasn’t that he wasn’t, it was just, he had a hard time remembering things lately. And his head had been in some mix up with Store orders when she’d called earlier. And by the time he called back clearly his Mom had decided it was his lack of care that meant she was down his priority list. 

In more rational states of mind he might have realised she was lonely, and sad, and just like he was, more short tempered than usual. If he hadn’t been equally strung out and stressed, he’d have let her complain at him, even apologised, and moved on. But neither of them were in that state of mind. And so 20 minutes in they were shouting. Just like they had two days ago, and the day before that. He could feel himself starting to shake with anger and he threw himself onto the floor against the wall. In part because it gave him somewhere to almost physically throw the feeling. He felt like the teenager who slammed the door to his room after some squabble over curfew, but he was powerless to stop. So instead he inadvertently leaned into it. 

‘It’s not my fault!’ he heard himself shout into the phone. 

‘Did I say it was?!’ his Mother shouted back at him ‘I’m just saying you could have some consideration is all.’

‘Some consideration? Really? From you?’ he slumped down against the wall, head between his knees. 

‘Yes Patrick some god-damn consideration is what I’m asking for!’ she snapped. ‘You know perfectly well-’ 

‘And what about me?’

‘What about you?’

‘What about what I want? What I feel?’

‘I think we’re all aware of what you feel, me David-’

‘Don’t you dare bring him into it.’ Patrick felt his voice get into a low growl. 

‘Well if you’re speaking to me like this I can only imagine you’re doing the same to him.’ His Mom would know that was a low blow, he knew, especially when she followed it with ‘Unless you’ve just run away from him.’

‘Mom don’t you dare!’ he shouted ‘You know I would never?’

‘Do I?’ she exclaimed ‘Sometimes I wonder if I know anything about you at all!’’

That felt like a punch but he ploughed on. ‘And whose fault is that now? When all you do is shout at me?’

‘I only shout when you do!’ it was true. But he wasn’t ready to hear true today either. 

‘Oh well fine it must be my fault! Everything else is!’ he was being worse than petulant. But he couldn’t stop. 

‘Well that or you think you can’t do anything wrong!’

‘Anything wrong? I can’t get anything right. All I try and do is help but-’

‘How is this helping?’ she shouted back at him. 

‘I don’t know what you fucking want from me?!’ he said it and threw the phone just as David walked through the door. He blinked taking in Patrick on the floor the phone flying just before ‘Just fucking leave me be!’ Patrick shouted, screamed really, dipping his head to his knees. David wasn’t sure who that was directed to. He put his bag down and leaned down and picked up the phone which had landed nearby. He wasn’t surprised it said ‘Mom’ on the screen. 

‘Hey, it’s David.’ he said quietly, picking it up, ‘I um just walked in, you know in case you thought I was here for...whatever.’

‘Oh David thank God you’re home.’ Marcy’s voice was warm despite the fact she was clearly crying. ‘Is he ok?’

David blinked. If he’d- no when he’d- yelled at his own Mother like that, the last thing she would be asking was about him. She’d be yelling back. Though perhaps he’d missed this segment. Did the Brewers yell? One of them clearly did. ‘He’s um..’ David didn’t really know how to answer. ‘Are you..?’ he ventured. 

‘I’ll be fine.’ she said shortly. ‘Look after him ok?’

‘Ok.’ David said softly. ‘I will. Um, text me if you need anything ok?’

‘Ok. she said ‘Thanks David.’ she hung up. 

There was a slightly ominous silence in the room. ‘Are you-’ David started 

‘Text me if you need anything?! Are you two ganging up on me now?’ Patrick looked angry, more than David had ever seen it was a kind white hot rage that he wasn’t quite sure what to do with. 

‘Whoa I literally walked into flying phones and this.’ David gestured, ‘And your Mom, on the end of the phone crying at me when she just-’

‘I swear to God say ‘lost her husband’ I will’ Patrick said, dragging himself to his feet and waving his arms at David in what in any other circumstances would have been a passable impression of his boyfriend. 

‘Yes, Patrick, lost her husband. And for some reason her son is yelling at her and throwing things and she’s crying and I don’t know what the fuck is going on so I said ‘text me’ becuase what the fuck else am I supposed to do?!’ David had started calm, but his voice rose as he got to the end, exasperated at it all 

‘Help me!’

‘What the fuck do you think I’ve been fucking trying to do for weeks?!’ 

‘Well then give up on me as well!’

‘Not if you’re giving up on yourself.’ 

Why that finally pushed him over the edge Patrick had no idea. He grabbed the nearest thing, his mug that he’d taken to the floor with his and threw it. Hard. It missed David by plenty but it shattered across the kitchen. David jumped but stood his ground. ‘Did that help?’ he asked evenly. 

Something in his calmness made Patrick see red. He threw the plate as well, which also missed. David remained stoic. 

‘Did that?’ he asked. 

‘No!’ Patrick shouted ‘But what does anyone care about that?’ he grabbed the nearest thing which happened to be a sofa cushion, which was less than satisfying. ‘And why are you so calm? Where’s the David that screams back at me? Throws things back? Does SOMETHING!’ he threw another cushion which had no impact. He paced across the room David’s eyes on him. ‘Do you not CARE?!’ he exclaimed. Somewhere in the depths of his mind he knew he was being ridiculous, but something had snapped and he was beyond reason. He kicked the edge of the sofa on his way past which only succeeded in making him stumble. He growled to himself, and as he made it to the wall went to take a swing at it with his fist. 

David was on him faster than Patrick could register. He grabbed his arm with more force than Patrick could ever have imagined, and succeeded in shoving him against the wall pinning him still. 

‘No.’ David said. ‘Throw all the crockery you like but you’re not going down that route.’ Patrick pushed back against him, he could see the anger burning in his eyes, but David pushed back. Using his height and the element of surprise he’d held onto to push Patrick against the wall stilling him. ‘No.’ he glared. 

‘Don’t tell me what to do David.’ He virtually spat at him. 

‘The don’t tell me I don’t fucking care.’ David said holding him fast as he struggled. 

Something flared in Patrick but he stilled momentarily. 

‘Because I care. I fucking care more than I care about anything and I am powerless to help you and I hate it!’ David was shouting now. 

‘You think I like this?’ Patrick said ‘You think I like any of this?!’ 

‘I think you need help!’ David shouted as he did he loosened his grip, shocking himself at the force of what he said. ‘Just fucking talk to me! Let me hold you! Anything!’ 

‘We’re not all you David!’ Patrick shouted, pushing his way free. Instead of running away as he’d planned however he flipped David back against the wall pinning him there instead. He paused for a fraction of a second before kissing him fiercely and hard. He pulled back expecting David to object. 

David took a breath looking at Patrick, who was looking back with a kind of desperate hunger. ‘Fine.’ he said with a steely nod ‘Fucking fine. Let’s do this.’ he pulled him back towards him, returning the kiss with equal fire. He felt Patrick slam up against him in his desperation to get closer. Felt his hands reaching for his sweater, his belt anything he could get his hands on. David too grabbed at his shirt, pulling it free from his jeans, grabbing at anything he could get his hands on. All the while Patrick was kissing him with the force of someone drowning. David pushed back a bit and shifted his mouth to Patrick’s neck, biting at his ear, and down to his collarbone. Patrick pulled him back up and kissed him again hungrily. David succeeded in undoing half of his shirt while Patrick shoved his hand down David’s half undone jeans. He let out a half groan, half shout of surprise. He grabbed at Patrick’s shoulders, holding him back. 

‘Bed. Now.’ he said, pulling him across the room by his shirt. 

For all Patrick’s confidence, and David’s willingness elsewhere to let him take charge, the friendly rivalry that was part of their relationship really came to life in the bedroom. And that was in good times. This was a raw competitiveness that bordered on aggressiveness. But also what they both needed. Every time one of them gained an inch the other pushed back, seeking dominance, seeking to eek out every ounce of frustration and hurt like this. They shoved and pulled and bit, both of them breathless and refusing to give in this dance. After a good twenty minutes David shoved Patrick off him and under him once again, as Patrick reached up to kiss him, grabbing at his hair again, he pushed back pinning him down. 

‘Enough.’ he said his voice a low growl ‘Just fuck me’

Patrick got a familiar glint of satisfaction in his eyes. ‘Gladly’ he said, pushing David over. 

When they were done, both of them lay breathless staring at the ceiling. David closed his eyes and waited. Partly getting his breath back- really he might be too old for something quite so vigorous-partly waiting for what was going to happen next. It was going to go one of two ways he knew, either they’d bridged some kind of gap, or they were going to default to what had been before. He felt Patrick’s hand come and rest on his stomach and he held his breath for a second. He stole a glance over, his eyes were closed, his face neutral, David couldn’t read the rest of him. Patrick flexed his fingers almost imperceptibly on his stomach and David carefully put his hand over Patrick’s. He saw him sigh slightly, his eyes tightening a fraction while still closed. David ran his fingers over his gently then closed his own eyes again. Giving them a moment’s quiet getting their breath back, but holding onto that thread of connection. 

Patrick felt relief rush over him as David covered his hand with his own. And he felt something settle that he’d not realised he’d missed, that connection. It was his fault he knew. He’d pushed David away, been holding him at arm’s length because he was scared of what was going on in his head. His Mom was right, he’d been horrible. He felt terrible. He’d worried having sex would push him over some invisible edge that he knew he was tethering on. That he’d break down after. But he felt calm- if slightly sore and out of breath. And instead of breaking down he just had a renewed longing for his boyfriend. And a sadness at having missed him. He gave himself a few more moments trying to settle his thoughts- and his heart rate. Feeling that small connection, as if it was maybe repairing something. 

David heard Patrick exhale again, and braced himself, that maybe the moment of calm was over. He felt Patrick’s hand shift and steeled himself for whatever shouting, or distance or whatever was coming. Then he sensed Patrick shifting, felt the heat of him closer. 

‘David.’ he said, his voice soft, a tone he’d not heard in a couple of weeks. He flicked his eyes open and turned his head. Patrick was lying on his side next to him. When David opened his eyes and looked over he was looking at him, wide eyed, and still the familiar sadness there but something else. David narrowed his eyebrows virtually imperceptible in a silent question. And Patrick leaned in kissing him softly. 

It wasn’t anything like earlier. This was a slow, gentle, tentative kiss. Patrick felt possibly more nervous than their first kiss as he leaned in. He brushed David’s lips lightly, then pulled back slightly. He felt the familiar sensation of David’s hand coming up to his cheek and pulling him in and he felt an ache in his chest. He leaned in again and kissed him, trying to communicate through soft kisses how sorry he was, how he missed him. He let David deepen the kiss sensing he needed that connection. Almost like he was answering him. They pulled back just enough to stop the kiss but not enough to be apart and he felt David’s thumb on his cheek. 

Patrick could sense David trying to say something but he flicked his eyes up to meet his instead and leaned in for another soff kiss instead. David nodded as he pulled back and did the same. They traded gentle kisses back and forth for a few minutes, neither of them keen to give this up. David worked his hand around to the back of his head and pulled him in again for a deep kiss. Patrick tried to work into it everything he was feeling, all the fear and the apologies, the longing he’d felt but been able to articulate. When they pulled apart he dipped his head into the crook of David’s neck and felt him run a hand over his hair. Patrick placed a small kiss on his neck and felt him do the same on his head. 

They pulled apart and locked eyes again. David nodded at him, blinking. Patrick nodded back. He rolled onto his back and lifted his arm. David reached down to his feet and pulled up the blanket from the foot of the bed and covered them with it as he leaned in, the familiar weight of Patrick’s arm over him. He wrapped his arm around Patrick’s stomach and let them settle into some peace for a few moments. 

Somehow David sensed the moment he became restless, without him having to move. Maybe something in his body tensed without him knowing. But David shifted on him just as his brain kicked back in and he started to feel like he should escape. 

‘Why don’t you shower. I’ll make food.’ David muttered half into the pillows. He’d felt the moment Patrick shifted from their post-sex haze and before his brain could really kick in he thought they should move. Keep focused on something else. 

‘Hmm’ Patrick said. He felt cold the second David shifted off him and pulled the blanket over him weirdly self conscious. He felt David kiss his shoulder before shifting completely. He closed his eyes gathering himself for a second. Sensing David moving nearby, getting dressed. ‘You can shower...I’ll lie here a bit.’ he muttered. 

David paused. A weird part of his brain had worried it seemed presumptuous, intrusive almost. Despite having showered here without needing to ask, hundreds of times by now. Still he felt gross and if Patrick needed a bit of space it was probably a good idea. ‘Ok.’ he said, gathering his clothes and shuffling off towards the bathroom. 

Patrick heard the familiar sounds of David pottering about in the bathroom, then the sound of the water. He let himself relax into the background noise. It was fine, it was all fine. It had worked, despite David’s protests, the sex had been what they’d needed. They- he- wasn’t back to where he wanted to be but it felt like ripping a band-aid off, and a step towards something. It also had helped work out some of what was between them. Because actually there wasn’t anything, Patrick was finally learning, it was his stuff, and stuff with his Mom but David was giving him everything he needed and more. He had to let himself see that. He wiped at his eyes as David emerged from the bathroom. He hadn’t done his hair, which was always an amusing sight, and he caught Patrick smiling at that and grinned. A moment of normal. Patrick got up and shuffled to the bathroom, leaving David peering into the fridge for whatever concoction he was going to heat up tonight. 

He slowly picked up the pieces of the shattered mug. Then noticing the oven was still on, turned it off. Peering inside he realised there was a slightly overdone, but done lasagne. Pulling out the very browned dish he set it on the side. Slowly as if fearing more mugs his way he got out plates, and cutlery, found glasses and filled them with water. 

‘Dinner.’ he said just as Patrick emerged from the bathroom. 

‘Thanks.’ he said. ‘I’ll just..’ he gestured towards the bedroom. David nodded watching as he retrieved a hoodie, setting the table keeping an eye on him, out of habit. He pulled the hoodie on and came and sat down. David dished up the pasta and sat. 

‘Thanks.’ he said softly, he looked down at his plate but didn’t pick up his knife and fork yet. ‘David, I’m sorry.’ he said, ‘For…’ he gestured over at where he’d thrown the plate. 

David raised his eyebrows, ‘You think you’re the first person to throw crockery at me?’

Patrick half smiled sadly. At both what he’d done, and the idea of David having someone do that with real malice. 

‘Anyway clearly your pitching needs work you missed.’ David turned his attention to his dinner and started eating. Patrick attempted to do the same. He picked at the dinner, starting with the salad leaves. Then attempting the pasta. But he could barely swallow. All of it felt like it was sticking in his throat, turning his stomach. He pushed it around his plate a bit hoping David wouldn’t notice. He had hoped he’d magically feel better. That somehow getting all...that out of his system would make it all better. Of course it hadn’t. He could feel David’s eyes on him. 

He’d known he wouldn’t eat the food. But it had been worth a shot. But it got him to sit down for a meal. And got him talking. Even if it was only four words. Something had been bridged this evening, and it was a relief. But it wasn’t going to fix it all. He knew he needed to be patient. Taking a last bite of his David got up, he didn’t take the plates, that felt like making a point. Instead he turned around and fished some bread out of the cupboard, and put it in the toaster and flicked the kettle on. 

Patrick watched as David quietly made toast. Covered one in peanut butter, the other in regular butter, chopped up a banana, made the tea and then took away the dinner plates, placing the new plate in front of him. 

‘You haven’t eaten anything today.’ he said ‘Try that, please.’ 

There was a quiet desperation to his tone. Patrick nodded, and dutifully picked up the toast. It was easier to eat than anything else. And David knew it was basically all he was surviving on right now. He ate slowly, with sips of tea in between, but he managed to finish it. David sat there quietly, reading on his phone deliberately looking like he wasn’t watching. When he finished though David glanced over. 

‘Thanks.’ he said quietly. David finally looked over at him, biting his lip. Clearly unsure what to say. Patrick blinked at him ‘I feel like I’m losing my mind.’ he said. It was the most honest he’d been in weeks with David or himself. 

David nodded slowly, ‘I’m just trying to help.’ he said softly. 

‘I know.’ Patrick answered. Pushing himself up and taking himself over to the couch and flopping down in the furthest corner. David didn’t really know if he was welcome to stay, despite everything, or maybe because of it. But he decided he wasn’t going unless kicked out. He sat on the couch, close enough, but with enough distance between them that it was up to Patrick to bridge it. 

Patrick sensed the distance between them. A part of him wanted nothing more than to bury himself in David as deeply as he could. Why was it still so hard, why his brain was pushing him away, even after what they’d just done. Part of him wanted to hold onto him every waking- and possibly sleeping-hour of the day. But something had flicked in his brain a week ago he couldn’t fathom. David flicked the TV on to give them some background noise. A little while, David pulled out his phone. 

‘Do you want me to text your Mom or do you want to call her?’ he asked evenly. 

‘Text her.’ Patrick said ‘I can’t…’

David nodded, tapped into his phone for a second then showed Patrick. 

‘Everything ok here, I got him to eat something, going to get an early night. I’ll make sure he calls tomorrow. D x’

‘Ok?’ he asked. Patrick nodded and David hit send. ‘I’m always on your side.’ David said gently, putting his phone away. ‘Always.’ he offered his hand and a silent prayer that Patrick would take it. He felt fingers curl around his and a tiny bit of relief washed through him. 

‘I don’t know what this.’ Patrick said gesturing to the space between them ‘Is.’ he looked so upset. ‘I mean we just…’ he gestured with his free hand. Then looked at David with a desperate look in his eyes. ‘I just want to feel normal again.’ he said, so evenly, so emotionless it ripped through David to see. 

He nodded, and squeezed his fingers. ‘Do you want to go to bed?’ he asked. Patrick nodded sadly. He felt so beaten. David nodded and let go of his hand. ‘Ok.’ he said, getting up. He went to step away when Patrick grabbed at his hand. 

‘Stay.’ he said ‘Please.’ he knew he sounded desperate. David’s face cracked into something imperceptible in response. 

‘Of course,’ he said, wiping at his eye, trying to hide it. 

They spent a little while getting ready for bed. Or rather, Patrick curled up on the bed, staring into the middle distance, and occasionally dozing a bit, while David showered and changed. He brought them both some water, and went about closing the curtains and turning lights off. Occasionally he caught Patrick watching him, but mostly he seemed lost in his own world. Still David was glad he wanted him here. He pulled the covers back but then sat at the end of the bed. 

‘Hey.’ David said, ‘Sit with me here ok?’ he patted the bed next to him. 

Patrick frowned then realised David was getting ready to say the Kaddish, before bed seemed to be when he’d settled on, which seemed appropriate. 

‘You’re still...even though?’ 

‘If I thought I’d stop every time we had...differences...I’d never have started’ David said with a smile. Patrick pulled himself up and sat next to him ‘And maybe it’ll help. To hear it. I don’t know.’ he shrugged embarrassed again. He offered his hand and Patrick took it, they both bowed their heads as David recited the Hebrew. When they reached the ‘Amen’ together David squeezed his hand and they stayed a while longer. David didn’t really recite prayers as such when he did this part, it was a weird cross between meditation and praying currently. But today he did silently ask God or whatever was out there to help his boyfriend feel better. And to give him the strength he needed too. 

Patrick wasn’t religious, not by any stretch. But whether it was his Dad, or David’s leaning into his faith, he found himself wondering more. And in the moment they sat in silence together he asked whatever was out there to help him. Just somehow help him. Because he felt like he was hanging on by a thread. David muttered a second ‘Amen’ and squeezed his hand. Patrick smiled a silent thanks and he nodded. 

They both crawled their way into bed. Both laying on their backs, close but not touching. He knew David was giving him space. He was so confused. He longed for David’s touch but something in his brain was still keeping him at arm’s length too. He closed his eyes, tried to focus himself. He had a boyfriend who loved and supported him. Who was willing to put up with all this. And he had to convince himself it was all going to be fine again someday. With what felt like a huge amount of effort he shifted his hand under the covers until his fingers brushed David’s. He felt his twitch at his touch then curl around his. 

‘It was four weeks ago today.’ Patrick said into the darkness. ‘I only just realised. That’s why she was so….’ tears fell down his cheeks. ‘I’m a terrible person.’ he muttered. 

David squeezed his fingers. ‘You aren’t. And whether you realised or not, you’re going through the same thing.’

‘I was horrible.’ he said sniffing. 

‘And you’ll make up. And it will be ok. Because you love each other.’ David’s voice was low and soothing, and his fingers were rubbing soothing circles on Patrick’s hand ‘And I love you. And you are not terrible.’

That finished Patrick a bit. He sniffled and tried to stem the tears, but in the end he gave up and just let them flow down his cheeks. David squeezed again. 

‘Can I…’ he let it hang in the air.

Patrick didn’t answer, instead he let go of David’s hand and rolled over, pulling himself into David. As his body hit David’s for the second time today he felt a wave of relief. He felt like he was home again. He melted into him and felt David burrow into his hair. He felt his sigh of relief too. 

‘I’m sorry.’ Patrick muttered. 

‘Nothing to be sorry for.’ David muttered, ‘Well you need some new mugs…’

Patrick laughed through his tears, clinging on, feeling the safety of David back around him. He might have made a mess today, in more ways than one, but he also felt like something fell back together. ‘Goodnight.’ he said in a soft whisper. 

‘Goodnight.’ David whispered into his hair, holding on a little tighter. 

Fifteen Years later (two days later)

Patrick heard a soft noise coming from their office space in the house. It was a tiny room at the back but it worked as a serviceable place for some of their filing and working at home. David had gone back there a little while ago to make some calls. Most of the arrangements were made but as ever his husband was a stickler for details. And it seemed being preoccupied with giving Johnny Rose the best possible send off meant he was occupied enough not to think about that. But from the sound of it not anymore. Patrick knew the sound of David crying anywhere. 

‘David?’ he called so not to startle him ‘Everything ok?’

David looked up from the computer and wiped his eyes, taking off his glasses and wiping them. He nodded. 

‘Doesn’t sound like it.’ Patrick said ‘or look like it.’ he crossed the room and perched on the desk next to David. ‘What happened.’ 

David sat back wiping his eyes. ‘I um, hadn’t checked my personal email for a few days, you know what with…’ he gestured, ‘And for something to do I thought…’ he sniffed back some tears. ‘My Dad…’ he gestured at the screen. 

Patrick frowned, and looked at where David gestured. Sure enough there was an email from Johnny it must have been sent the evening before the heart attack. Patrick inhaled sharply. That was a lot. 

‘It took us six years to teach him to email and ten all he’d do is send essays!’ David exclaimed. ‘It’s ridiculous!’ 

Patrick started to read. And David continued talking. ‘He got the book. And he’s given me a page by page breakdown of his thoughts- 80% good 20% room for improvement.’

Patrick had started reading ‘Classic Johnny Rose business advice.’ he smiled and reached for David’s hand as he read. Johnny was full of effervescent praise for the book, describing pictures in great detail, making comments on the stories behind bits of it he knew. It was beautifully written. 

‘The end’ David said indicating the screen. Patrick scrolled through many more pages of notes- he’d come back later. 

‘David, I’m so proud of you and Patrick. For what you’ve built over the years, you did it with such integrity and creativity that I never had- just business sense my end none of what you have. And I always worried you’d end up sacrificing what I did for it, but you found a way to do it better. As that picture shows.’

Patrick knew the picture he was talking about. It was the back page of the book, David and Patrick on one side from the day they opened- a terrible snap by Stevie David forced them into just in case things went well and they wanted to remember. They stood awkwardly next to each other in that one, each keeping a professional distance with awkward smiles. In the second, taken for the book, David is draped in his usual style over Patrick, who has his arm around his waist and was looking up laughing at something ridiculous David had said that he can’t remember now. They’d chosen that one over the more formal posed pictures, because it somehow looked more like them. It felt like their Store. 

‘You did it David, you did it all. And your Mom and I are so proud of you both.’ 

There was a P.S as well 

‘P.S Tell Patrick I heard the Blue Jays are signing a new pitcher soon and to add it to the spreadsheet.’

Of all the things, the stupid baseball spreadsheet they’d started, what 10 years ago now? That’s what was making Patrick cry today. He wiped at his eyes. He looked up and David’s eyes were streaming with silent tears. He squeezed his hand. 

‘Baseball.’ he said. And Patrick got it immediately ‘I’d rather my last conversation with David was about baseball.’ Johnny’s voice from his Dad’s funeral echoed in Patrick’s mind. He pulled his husband towards him and let him cry into his shirt, while he let his own tears fall into his hair. 

When they pulled apart Patrick wiped his eyes. ‘Your Mom and I are so proud of you both.’ he said with a smile. ‘Are so proud.’ he repeated. David smiled softly. 

‘You became an accidental Rose.’ He said to Patrick. 

‘Couldn’t be prouder.’ he said with a smile. He stood up and offered his hand to David who pulled himself up, shutting the laptop. He leaned on his husband for a second before following him out of the office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to show the ups and downs of grief, so while last chapter Patrick was retreating inwards, here it's all spilling over. And that it's not a linear path, there's moments of breakthrough and moments of breakdown.


	12. Giving you an out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David suggests Patrick finds a therapist to talk to. And they both are able to air some of their fears.

10 Years Later 

Patrick’s leg was shaking. He felt it start to twitch and he looked around the waiting room looking for something to focus on, take his mind off it. He felt his husband’s hand come down on his knee, stilling the movement, but also a gentle squeeze to reassure him. He looked over. David couldn’t hide the stress on his face, that he was sure was reflected in his own, but he attempted a little smile. 

‘At least we’ll know.’ he reminded him. ‘That’s what we’ve said right? That the waiting is the worst.’

Patrick nodded. He wasn’t wrong. But also he wasn’t entirely right. Because they both knew that when they got in there, things could get far worse, really quickly. He leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees and dipped his head trying to keep himself steady. 

David ran a hand over Patrick’s back and shoulders, reminding himself too that his husband always lost weight when he was stressed- in the same way he always gained it for both of them. And that his mind was running away with him that Patrick was thinner. He looked the same as ever. Infuriatingly youthful, gorgeous, even when pale and stressed. 

‘Patrick Brewer-Rose?’ a nurse called from the doorway. 

Patrick sat up and gestured to her to show he’d heard. He stood, as did David at his side. As they picked up their jackets Patrick went to follow the nurse. David pulled him back forcing him to still for a second. 

David rested his hands on Patrick’s shoulders and looked him in the eyes. ‘We’ll deal with it together ok?’

Patrick nodded, reaching up to kiss him. David looped his arm around his shoulders as the followed the politely smiling nurse into the Doctor’s office. 

One Day Later 

David was bringing in the last of the vegetable boxes while Patrick cashed up. They’d spent a quiet couple of days since the ‘incident’ as David was choosing to call it. Patrick seemed better though, still not himself, but a little more even than he had been. And for now, that was good enough.

‘David?’ Patrick called from the counter. 

‘Mm?’ he said, placing the box down carefully. 

‘Do you uh, wanna meet at the cafe after I’m done with rehearsals?’ his face was neutral, but David could sense the slight anxiety in his tone. ‘I mean it’ll probably be too late for dinner but dessert maybe?’ 

David nodded ‘Ok.’ he said, ‘Yeah that would be nice.’ he shoved the boxes around a bit ‘I’m actually meeting my Dad for dinner, so maybe meet me there when you’re done...we can do a trade, you give my Mom to Dad I’ll take you.’

‘Like when the babysitter hands the kids back thankful they don’t belong to them.’ as he said it his face clouded over. ‘Sorry.’ he said, ‘I don’t know where that…’ 

‘Patrick I-’

‘Better go actually. You know what your Mom gets like if we’re late.’

David nodded. ‘Ok see you later.’

Patrick nodded at him and rushed out the door. He walked fast towards the Town Hall at first, before he realised he was in fact ridiculously early. Still with nowhere else to go, he might as well sit there, run line or something. He had been horrible to David today he knew. Not just today. But he’d thought he’d got past the worst of it. 

There was nobody in the Hall when he got there. He got out his script and tried to memorise lines, but nothing went in. He checked the time, still a good 20 minutes before they started. Plenty of time alone. He got up and went to the piano, it was old, and not in the best shape. But it worked. And he never got to play piano any more. He sat down and started playing. Firstly just messing about with scales warming his hands up. He drew a blank on what to play so he got his sheet music out for the show and spent a few minutes playing that, it was nothing like his usual style and it actually felt good to have to fully concentrate on something. It disengaged his brain from the noise. He still had time so he carried on playing **

‘Well that was love-ely’ Moira’s voice came from the doorway. Patrick stopped playing and sheepishly looked over. 

‘Hey Mrs Rose.’ he said. 

‘Don’t stop on my account.’ she said with a smile. 

‘Oh I don’t really play piano.’ he said with a shrug ‘Just passing the time.’

‘That certainly sounded like piano playing to me.’ she said ‘Perhaps you should do it more often.’ she dumped her bags. 'Good to engage the brain.’ she winked. 

‘It is Mrs Rose.’ he said 

‘Anyway,’ she continued ‘I might take advantage of your strength to move some chairs and tables before we start?’

‘On it.’ he said with a smile getting up and grateful for another task. 

‘Oh and actually if you finish that we might run one or two dance numbers before the others get here?’ 

‘Sure Mrs Rose.’ he smiled. There was at least no danger of his brain being left idle during her rehearsals. He caught her smile as he began shifting chairs humming ‘Willkommen’ as he did so, and subconsciously marking steps in his head. 

They walked together to the cafe after rehearsal. First with Moira regaling him with costume descriptions. Patrick once again reminded her of his very clear request to wear at least a vest under his Emcee braces, and that her son would not forgive her for making his boyfriend stand half naked on stage. A debate she conceded. He worried it wasn’t the last time they’d have the conversation though. 

As they got to the park she looped her arm through his. ‘How are you Patrick dear?’ she asked, her voice dropping to the quieter version of it that Patrick noticed she reserved for only a few people. Like ‘Moira Rose’ becoming just ‘Mrs Rose’ or something. He didn’t answer right away. What was the right response, to assure his boyfriend’s Mom he wasn’t totally losing his mind? That he wasn’t a burden to her son? That he wasn’t driving them both crazy and possibly going to ruin it all if he carried on. Before he could spiral into ten different scenarios there she stopped and angled herself in front of him. ‘Patrick?’ she said gently. 

He looked down and shrugged. ‘I don’t know Mrs Rose. Honestly that’s the only answer I’ve got.’ 

She nodded. ‘Mind if I guess?’ he shrugged, still looking down. ‘Some days, or some parts of days you feel fine.’ she started ‘Normal even. You probably go to work, do all the business stuff you’re so good at, tease David when he’s being ridiculous, which is often.’ He half smiled at that. ‘And then sometimes you remember, in the middle of a day, in the middle of a conversation sometimes. And everything resets again.’ he lifted his eyes at her ‘Am I close?’ he nodded. 

She’d nailed it. Everything he was feeling, the confusion when everything felt normal for a minute and then came crashing down. ‘I’m not getting on with my Mom.’ he blurted out ‘We keep fighting. It’s horrible.’

Moira ached for him in that moment. She might not have always been the best Mother in the world. She wasn’t so self-absorbed to know she drove her children slightly crazy at times. But she’d also hate for there to be genuine bad feeling between them ever again. But she’d also met Marcy, and knew her son well enough to know it was not that, and more than that. 

‘You’re both hurting.’ she said quietly, ‘and in my experience we tend to take that out on the ones we love. It’s not fair, it’s not nice, but we do.’

He nodded ‘I’ve been horrible to David too.’ he confessed. 

She took his arm again and steered them towards the cafe ‘Don’t worry he can take it. And give back as good as he gets.’ she put a hand on his arm, ‘My son has been treated badly by enough people to know that’s not what you’re doing.’

That got to Patrick. That David, who used to try and run at the first sign of trouble. Who was so scared Patrick would leave him over nothing, anything. Was willing to stick out with him being horrible to him because he knew it wasn’t about him. He paused. Unable to move until he collected himself. Moria didn’t speak, or move either, she just let him. They walked the rest of the way in silence. 

‘What do I say to him?’ Patrick asked, suddenly aware he’d brought David here with no idea what he was going to say. 

‘Just be honest with him.’ Moira said as they stood outside, ‘That’s all you can do.’ she smiled kindly at him and he smiled back, a little half heartedly. ‘I miss seeing you really smile dear.’ she said briefly touching his face. He looked down ‘Still you’ll get it back.’ she said. ‘Come on, let me retrieve my husband before he asks you anymore comp-uter questions and we end up here all night.’ she winked and he held open the door for her. 

‘John!’ she called, ‘I am ex-hausted, let us collect my food and be on our way before I fall down here on the floor.’ 

Johnny raised an eyebrow at his Son ‘That’s my cue.’ he said. 

‘And a subtle one at that.’ David said, raising an eyebrow in return. 

‘Patrick.’ Johnny said. ‘Thanks again for the help the other day, I’ve almost got those spreadsheets working for me. One more tutorial I’ll nail it.’

‘I’ll come by at the weekend.’ Patrick said ‘Good to see you Mr Rose.’ he nodded as Johnny went to herd his wife back out the door, and try and hide the fact she was watching Patrick and David intently from the counter. 

‘Quite the entrance from my Mother.’ David said. 

‘Entrance and exit all in one. It’s quite something.’ Patrick agreed, sliding into the booth opposite David. ‘Good dinner?’

‘If you call a lecture on business strategy circa 1994 from my Dad good.’ he said with a smile. 

‘I’m sure it was thrilling.’ Patrick said ‘At least you didn’t have to try and explain Excel to him. Thanks for that by the way.’ he said with a knowing look at David. ‘And to your Mom for the extra rehearsals.’ 

‘I’m sorry it’s just-’ Patrick waved a hand cutting him off just as Twyla appeared. 

‘Cake! And pie!’ she announced setting down two plates along with a tea for Patrick that he assumed David had ordered for him. He smiled a thanks at her. ‘Are these both for you or are you going to make him share today?’ she winked at Patrick as David scowled. 

‘Pie for him cake for me.’ he said. ‘Though I am taking that whipped cream.’ 

Patrick dutifully scooped it off his plate, just as Twyla produced an extra pot somehow from inside her apron. Patrick laughed. 

‘Thanks Twy.’ he said with a smile. 

‘You’re welcome.’ she said ‘Good to see you too.’ she said with a kind smile at Patrick. 

‘Gimme some of that.’ Patrick said, stealing a chunk of cake off David’s plate before he could protest. As he chewed David took the opportunity to continue his thoughts. 

‘Sorry. I should have known you’d know but we were just...trying to help.’

Patrick swallowed ‘I know.’ he said ‘I know that’s all any of you are trying to do.’ he suddenly got very interested in his pie for a minute, gathering his thoughts. ‘I’m sorry David.’

David raised his eyebrows while chewing on his cake. ‘For what?’

Patrick shrugged, poking at his pie. ‘For being….horrible to you. I know I haven’t been ...easy to live with.’ 

‘Well I am never easy to live with.’ David said, taking a chunk of cake. He smiled over at his boyfriend, glad of the apology, though it wasn’t really necessary. He knew why Patrick was being like he was, it didn’t make it easier, but he also didn’t need him to feel bad about it. Patrick nodded and they went back to eating for a moment. 

‘Look I wanted to, try and explain the stuff...with my Mom...I feel like I owe you an explanation. Or maybe I should just try and explain it to someone that isn’t yelling at her or throwing things or...whatever.’ he looked up. David raised an eyebrow. 

‘Not that the ‘whatever’ didn’t have its high points.’ he said, ‘but maybe your mug collection could be spared the rest.’ he took a bite of cake and waited. 

Patrick poked at his pie and took a bite to buy him some time. He’d been running this over and over in his head all day. He desperately wanted someone to understand.

‘I’m an only child.’ he said, ‘And I know there’s all the jokes about that, that I’m spoiled, got all the attention or whatever. And some of it is true some of it isn’t. And that’s not really the point.’ he shook his head.

‘Well firstly if one of us is spoiled we know that isn’t you.’ David said with a raised eyebrow.

‘I’m not arguing there.’ Patrick said with a smile. 

‘And honestly your competitive streak has the strongest oldest child energy.’ He said with a smirk. 

‘Is this about what you’d like to change about me or me explaining some stuff?’ Patrick stole some cake and David hit his fork ‘You know David you’ve got some strong only-child energy with your aversion to sharing, maybe we did get this all wrong.’

‘Only food. I’m just very protective of cake.’ he took a bite to make a point. Then looked at Patrick with an air of ‘go on’.

Patrick nodded. ‘So, I mean there’s all the usual stuff, the expectations to be you know not a disappointment because there’s no spare kid if you fuck it up. You know don’t throw away your promising career to move to the middle of nowhere, that sort of thing.’ David put his fork down and rested his chin on a hand to show Patrick he was listening, and waiting. Patrick exhaled, he just had to run with it, however stupid it sort of sounded to him thinking about it from David’s point of view. ‘It’s all on me now and I’m scared. I’m really fucking scared.’ he saw David knit his brows together but ploughed on. ‘And I feel like such a dick. Because I shouldn’t be so selfish. And I don’t know how to do it.’

‘What do you mean?’ David’s eyebrows were meeting in the middle now. 

‘I mean every little thing, it’s on me. For my Mom, our family, whatever. Say the house burns down. It’s just me now, like I’ll be the one dealing with it. And I know that’s some old fashioned bullshit about being the ‘man of the house’ now, but it would be the same if I was a girl- it’s just how my parents marriage is. Was.’ he corrected himself. ‘But it’s more than that, it’s more than just ‘who will clear out the drains every winter’ or ‘there’s a bunch of pictures that need hanging’ it’s, what about if- when my Mom gets sick? Or falls down the stairs? Or crashes her car or I don’t know something. What about just when she gets old and needs looking after? It’s all on me. Because there’s nobody else.’

‘Whoa ok why is the house burning down suddenly?’

‘I don’t know it might!’ part of him knew it was irrational, but it also wasn’t. 

‘She has her sister, your cousins, your Dad’s family; they aren’t just going to abandon her.’ David kept his voice even. He could see how upset this was making Patrick, even if he could see the rational side, Patrick couldn’t. 

‘But it’s my responsibility. She’s my responsibility now. And I selfishly moved so far away, and I’ve got a whole life here and I can’t be there, but what if she needs me. More importantly what about when she needs me but doesn’t tell me. What then? And I find out too late, just like-’ he shrugged, he’d exhausted this train of thought too many times. He bowed his head again, staring into his pie. ‘My Uncle was right.’ he said softly ‘And it’s selfish of me to be off living my life and not being responsible for them, for her.’

David’s chest ached for Patrick. He’d been tying himself up in knots over this for the last two weeks he could tell. And he knew full well that spiral of ridiculous thoughts, but how real it was. 

‘Maybe I understand more than you think.’ he ventured. Patrick looked up at him again. ‘Alexis.’ he said with a shrug. ‘Our parents were...well you know.’ he said ‘She got in a lot of trouble, I mean we all laugh at the stories but there were some...darker moments.’ he waved his hand, this wasn’t the time, ‘I spent a lot of hours driving to Embassies, wiring money, on hold with airports...but also a lot of time desperately just trying to find out where my sister was. Once or twice if she was even still alive.’ He looked down, they didn’t talk about those times ever. Patrick reached over and brushed his hand with his. ‘I never told her that until we moved here. That it was me, always worrying. Not Mom and Dad but me. But I’ve also never told her how close I came to really fucking it up.’ 

‘But you were what, 25?’ Patrick said ‘And she’s not your responsibility, not like that.’ he knew Alexis had a colourful past but he’d never heard this part of it. 

David raised an eyebrow, ‘Isn’t she?’ he shrugged ‘Look she’s not that person anymore. But if she was in trouble, I would do anything it took to help her- though God help me if you repeat that to her.’ Patrick laughed ‘But I also realised, about a year before we moved here, that I couldn’t live my whole life waiting to rescue her again either. I would do everything it took if it happened, but I couldn’t spend my life internet stalking her to find out where she was and what she was doing- or who sometimes.’ Patrick laughed again but nodded. ‘It was all consuming and not...the healthiest mindset.’ He paused before saying the next, hoping it would be taken in the way he intended ‘And probably in part it was easier to put that energy into her than look at my own life.’ he shrugged. 

‘But my life is fine, it’s great it’s…’ he stopped short of ‘perfect’ but really there was little else he could ask for.

‘Then maybe it’s more about worrying about this rather than...anything else you might be feeling.’ David shrugged again but was saved by Twyla arriving with two new teas and a box. 

‘The last of the pie.’ she said ‘It was going to get thrown out anyway so…’ she winked 

‘Twy honestly I’m gonna gain 20 pounds by the time you finish feeding me.’ Patrick said with a smile. 

‘Nonsense.’ She said ‘besides, only 10 because he eats half of it.’ 

David looked aghast but she was gone before he could reply. 

‘Don’t worry David, I love you pie-love-handles and all.’ Patrick stole a bit of cake to either make a point or show he was teasing. Or maybe to just deflect. David didn’t speak sensing he was thinking. 

‘It is a real thing, this...responsibility.’ he said ‘And I do have to figure out how I work that out, you know for the future. I have to be there for my Mom.’ he looked up at David nodded. 

‘Of course.’ he said ‘And I would never say don’t. Hell we’re going to be dealing with my crazy parents, it’ll be a nice holiday to deal with your lovely sane Mom.’

Patrick flicked his eyes down to his pie. ‘You um, think about stuff like that David?’ he said looking up again. 

David busied himself with his cake, but reached his hand over the table to Patrick’s. They finished off their desserts in silence, one handed. When Patrick rested his fork down, David, who naturally had already finished, squeezed his hand so he looked up at him. He held his gaze for a second, considering what he was about to say. David looked nervous. Patrick frowned at him. 

‘Have you considered...seeing someone. I mean talking to someone. A therapist.’ David bit his lip. His Dad had pushed him to ask, he’d known he should push the idea for weeks, but Patrick didn’t seem like the kind of person who embraced things like therapy easily. ‘Hear me out ok?’ he said, poking at the cake. ‘Anyone would be struggling right now this is a huge huge thing you’re dealing with whatever way you look at it.’ Patrick nodded to show he was listening but he wasn’t making eye contact. ‘But, you’ve got so much on top of this ok? You came out to your Dad a month before he died, that’s hard, that’s huge ok? And you shouldn’t pretend otherwise.’ David exhaled ‘And I know you don’t talk about it, and maybe this is why you should find someone to talk to about it, someone who isn’t me or your Mom.’ he knew that felt weighted, ‘Someone who is neutral or whatever, but you’ve been living with this for half your life. And I know you say it was mostly fine, but honestly I don’t know how it can be living with the idea your Dad might die-sorry sorry to be so blunt- but living with that fear, seeing him ill, living in that stressful environment since you were a kid. That’s a lot Patrick, that’s a lot more than maybe you’re giving yourself credit for.’ 

Patrick sniffed and wiped his eyes looking down still. He couldn’t look up right now, he couldn’t burst into tears in the middle of the cafe. David was right, it was a lot. And it was a lot he’d pushed aside for a long time even before this. He squeezed David’s hand, part holding on part to let him know he was still listening. 

‘And.’ David continued ‘I know all of that has made you incredibly strong. Far stronger than me. I mean who isn’t.’ Patrick could hear him roll his eyes, but he couldn’t manage to look up, ‘But I don’t want you to break ok? Because I sort of need you. ’ He held onto David’s hand still looking at the table. ‘Patrick.’ David’s tone was soft but a bit desperate. He wiped his eyes again and looked up finally. 

‘You’re right.’ he said ‘You’re right. I just...I’m not good with stuff like this. I know you went to therapy loads when you were a kid, but I never have…’ he shrugged. ‘They made me. In school. When he first got sick. My um my grades dropped and I guess I was acting out a bit whatever, and they made me see the school counselor.’ he shrugged. It hadn’t been a productive experience. 

‘Just think about it ok?’ David said. He knew it was enough to plant the idea for now. They could come back to it, if he wasn’t ready yet. 

Patrick nodded. ‘You wanna get out of here?’ he said ‘I mean if you don’t have to get home to the Motel you could come back to my place…’ why did he suddenly feel so awkward inviting him over? It was like they’d taken ten steps back in some weird way. Temporarily he reminded himself. David just smiled and nodded. 

‘Let me go pay.’ he said. He slid out of the booth and made his way over to the counter. 

‘Hey, Twyla can I settle up.’ he called. She came over and leaned on the counter. 

‘Your Dad already paid.’ she smiled. 

‘Oh.’ David put his wallet away, touched by his Dad’s gesture. ‘I’ll text him thanks.’ 

‘Is he ok?’ Twyla asked looking over his shoulder at Patrick. David didn’t turn, to try and keep up the illusion they weren’t speaking about him. 

‘Not really.’ he said honestly. 

‘He will be.’ Twyla said with a kind smile. 

David nodded and turned back to the booth. ‘Ready?’ he called. Patrick nodded and got up, giving a little wave to Twlya, he looped his arm around David’s waist automatically and something in him felt a bit of hope, things might slowly slip back to normal. 

A couple of days later Patrick leaned his elbows on the counter while David fussed with the creams on the counter. 

‘I’ve been thinking David.’ he said slowly, not quite looking at him, David flicked his gaze over and nodded, showing he was listening. ‘About what you said, about how I’ve been dealing with this for a long time, you know with my Dad being ill when I was a kid, and all that. And you know telling my parents about us so soon before…’ he trailed off and looked down. David had stopped moving the creams and was listening to him. ‘So I uh called someone, a therapist in Elmdale. I made an appointment for tomorrow.’ he finally looked up at David then. Who nodded, putting down the cream and came over to the counter. He rested his hands on Patrick’s arms and lowered his head. 

‘I think that’s a good idea.’ he said softly, ‘But I also know that’s a difficult step to take.’ he tilted Patrick’s chin towards him with his hand ‘And I’m proud of you.’ he kissed him lightly and Patrick nodded. He was nervous.

‘Thanks.’ he said ‘Um, they also said they recommend one or two sessions with a partner, if you, you know, have someone. Not right away but if you-’

David kissed him again. ‘Of course I will.’ he said. 

Patrick exhaled and nodded. ‘Thank you.’ a wave of relief crashed over him. It had felt like a weird secret. More so at the pressure of bringing David along. 

He ran over the conversation in his mind again as he watched David. He’d sent an email first, that had felt less intimidating. He could still back out, ignore it when they replied. They’d asked if they could call him, so he’d chosen 6.30 when he was on his way home from rehearsal one night. He’d answered sitting in the park between the Town Hall and home. 

‘Is that Parick Brewer?’ a man’s voice had said. He’d been expecting a woman. He wasn’t sure why. 

‘Yes.’ he said. 

‘This is Matt Hills, I understand you made an inquiry about counselling provision with us?’

‘Yes that’s right.’ he said aware his heart was pounding. 

‘Ok great, well our team matched me with you based on the information you filled in on the form. Is it ok if we chat for maybe five or ten minutes now, I’ll ask you a few questions and then you can have a think about whether you’d like to come in for an in-person appointment.’

‘Yes ok.’ he said. He was sweating a bit and he tried to remember to breathe. 

‘Is this your first time speaking with a therapist Patrick?’ The man’s voice was even and calm, which helped. 

‘Um pretty much- once before when I was a kid.’ he said, wiping his hand on his jeans. 

‘Ok then, well it’s natural to be a bit nervous ok? But we’re not going to get into anything difficult today ok? I just want to check a few details and ask a couple of questions. And really this is for you to get to know me a bit and see if you’d like to talk further. Ok?’

‘Ok.’ Patrick echoed. 

‘Alright then.’ Matt seemed to perk up a bit then, perhaps reassured Patrikc wasn’t going to hang up on the spot. He ran through a few basic details that Patrick had already given- name, date of birth, contact details and medical history. 

‘Ok then Patrick, I wondered if you could just tell me- away from the really formulaic tick boxes we asked you for, what made you want to make an appointment? Just so I get an idea in your own words.’

Patrick took a breath. Saying it out loud was still hard. Saying the rest of this out loud was difficult too. 

‘Take your time.’ Matt said calmly. 

‘Well, uh.’ Patrick began, then refocused ‘Well, my Dad died, about a month ago now.’ he took a second, had it been that long already. ‘So I guess that’s the main reason.’ 

‘Ok.’ Matt said ‘Well we’d always advise people that seeking some support after a bereavement is important. Is there anything else?’

‘Well um, I guess part of the reason, is that he was ill for a long time, since I was a kid, and then this was pretty sudden. So um yeah.’ Patrick was shaking a bit by now, but he was trying to breathe. 

‘That must have been difficult.’ Matt said sympathetically ‘We can certainly talk about how that might have affected you.’

‘Ok good.’ Patrick said, feeling reassured, easing into this a little bit now. ‘And well, I guess while I think about it, I’d sort of come out to my Dad, about a month ago. As gay.’ he added and cringed feeling like an idiot. ‘He was super supportive and it was all fine, but I think, well maybe I might need some help thinking about that?’ He wasn’t sure why it came out as a question. He cringed at how awkward he was being. 

‘That sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot Patrick.’ Matt said patiently, clearly used to idiots like him Patrick reasoned ‘And how do you feel you’ve been dealing with all that?’

Patrick let out a long breath. He didn’t answer for a second, but Matt didn’t push him. ‘Not well.’ he said eventually ‘I thought I was ok, but, I don’t know, I don’t feel right, I don’t feel like me.’

‘Well that’s totally normal’ Matt said, his voice reassuring. ‘But we can certainly talk over those things, maybe help you with some techniques to cope. Can I ask, and no pressure in how you answer, how is it currently affecting you.’ Matt paused. 

‘I don’t know.’ Patrick said honestly he was as confused as anyone ‘I guess, I’m sad-depressed really, sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed, or go to work or whatever. And…’ he paused taking a breath ‘And I’m angry a lot.’ he bit his lip and waited for, he didn’t know, some kind of judgement. 

‘Ok thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it’s hard the first time you speak to someone.’ Matt had a really reassuring voice and Patrick could feel himself relaxing into the conversation. ‘How’s your support network there, do you have people you can trust?’

‘Um, yeah.’ Patrick said ‘My um, partner David? He’s, well he’s great. The best, really. And his family too. And my friends here too, it’s a nice town.’ he realised who he’d left off, his Mom. ‘My um, my Mom and I aren’t getting on great though.’ he added. 

‘Ok well it’s good you have people to support you’ Matt said. ‘And from what you’ve told me I think you could benefit from some sessions to support you through this ok? We’ll look at a combination of talking about some of this, but also some techniques to help you cope better.’

‘Ok.’ Patrick said his nerves were returning. 

‘It’s also totally up to you, but we often recommend in terms of bereavement counselling that people bring their partners to one or two sessions. And given what you mentioned about recently coming out to your Dad, I think maybe bringing David into one or two might help. Do you think he’d be ok with that?’

It really endeared Patrick to Matt that he remembered David’s name. Or he’d at least written it down. ‘Yeah, um well he’s had therapy before so I’m sure he would.’ 

‘That’s good too, that he will know what this is about so he can support you.’ 

Patrick hummed an agreement ‘It was his idea actually.’ 

‘There we have it.’ Matt said brightly, ‘Really Patrick it’s a good thing that you have people supporting you like this, and I’ll just be part of that ok?’

‘Ok.’ Patrick agreed. They’d gone on to make the arrangements about first appointments and he’d hung up, heart still pounding a bit, hands shaking. But feeling reassured. 

David nodded and went back to his creams. He felt a sense of relief. It wasn’t a magic bullet but the fact Patrick was getting some support, something beyond what he could give him, felt like a huge step. 

After their first session Matt had suggested bringing David in right away- just for a one off session-based on some of the things they’d touched on. David had agreed without blinking, despite Patrick’s nervousness. But his ease with therapy was actually helping to allay some of his own fears. They’d been talking in general terms about their relationship as a way of introduction. And David was typically enthusiastic, but also Patrick noted listened easily to Matt. 

‘I just get excited!’ David said, and smiled as Patrick gave him an ‘I know’ grin ‘But yeah I think days off away from work might be a good idea for us.’ 

‘That’s good thanks David.’ Matt said with a smile. ‘It’s good to talk about these general things that will strengthen your relationship too.’ Patrick nodded. They’d talked about starting the discussion with that, and it had helped relax David into it, he had done enough therapy before too to understand where they were going with it. Patrick was nervous about where he knew Matt was going next. He fidgeted a bit in his seat as he spoke. They were sat in two slightly hard armchairs, next to each other, but not touching. It felt strange being so distant, he was used to having David draped over him whenever they were next to each other. But perhaps the physical space was helpful. 

‘So Patrick and I discussed something he wanted to talk about with you in today’s session as well, if you’re ready to do that?’ 

Patrick nodded, and he saw David stiffen. 

‘Don’t be concerned David, it’s something Patrick wanted to talk to you about but he’s struggled to find a way, so I suggested we use this time, with me here, to support him ok?’

‘Ok.’ David said quietly. His mind already was whirring on a hundred different possibilities. 

‘David.’ Matt continued in what would be an infuriatingly patient way if it didn’t in fact help ‘I know you struggle with some anxious thoughts, like you’ve talked about. But this is just something Patrick needs to talk to you about.’

David nodded. 

‘Patrick?’ Matt said. 

‘Ok.’ Patrick said slowly resting his elbows on his knees. ‘Um, so one of the things Matt and I have been working on is the things that have been worrying me, like the more, I guess future things.’

‘Future things?’ David sounded worried then waved his hand to signal he’d shut up and let Patrick talk. 

‘Right, so like looking after my Mom, which I know we’ve talked about anyway…’

‘Right, you know I’ll help you there if, you know we’re still together.’

‘Why don’t we work on the assumption you are still together David?’ Matt gently prodded him. David nodded. They’d touched on that earlier too, David’s fears they would break up still being an underlying element in their relationship. They weren’t going to fix that in one session but Patrick was glad to maybe offer David the option of talking about that more with Matt too. But for now Matt had emphasised this as the thing that was most pressing between him and David. And David had no clue. 

‘So, well there’s something else, I guess, like that which has been bothering me and I, well I haven’t known how to bring it up really.’ Patrick said. He took a breath. 

‘Remember what we talked about Patrick’ Matt said evenly, ‘Focus on the factual elements, and how that’s making you feel.’ 

Patrick nodded. He’d talked about this to Matt for the first time- the first person he’d ever said it out loud to- last time and it had spilled out in a mess of emotions. He knew, that’s why he’d kept it to himself before, that David wouldn’t deal well with it like that. 

‘So.’ he began, ‘My Dad’s cancer.’ he found the word still stuck in his throat after all these years. He and Matt had been working on that too. The way his parents had never said it outloud or in medical terms very often. Patrick, ever the sensible take charge one dealt in facts, in knowing all the information. Which is why he kept dwelling on this next element. ‘Well the thing is, it’s one of the ones that’s often hereditary.’ he let that hang in the air for a moment. ‘It um’ he swallowed he was on a roll ‘It’s not just my Dad, but my Grandad, my Great Uncle and my Dad’s brother- Kevin, not Phillip, though this also explains why Phillip can be a bit of a dick about this.’ he looked over at Matt ‘Sorry but he is.’ Matt gave him a shrug like ‘I’m not judging’ and Patrick smiled. He liked Matt a lot. 

‘So, um, what does this mean?’ David was blinking at him confused, he looked like he might cry and Patrick felt terrible. But he also felt a wave of calm about talking about it for the first time. 

‘It means David, I’m scared I’m going to get the same cancer as my Dad. That it means at best I’ll get ill, at worst I might not live very long. Or as long as I’d like. Like him.’ he took a second for David to catch up. 

‘No!’ he said. 

‘David you don’t get to just ‘no’ that.’ 

‘I do.’ he said ‘And no!’ he blinked rapidly and Patrick could see he was trying to process what he’d just heard, despite his protests. 

‘I think.’ Matt said interjecting, ‘what Patrick needs you to hear first is his fear, because right now that’s what’s most affecting him, is that fair?’

Patrick nodded ‘Yeah that sounds fair.’ 

David wiped at one eye ‘Sorry, I’m just getting my head around my boyfriend telling me he thinks he’s going to die, in what a few years? Or more like 20? Why are we even thinking about this?’ 

‘Because I have to David!’ Patrick snapped. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy. But he felt awful for snapping so quickly. ‘Sorry.’ he added. ‘Look, you know I’m very take-charge and want answers…’ he shrugged letting that hang there. ‘Is it a huge surprise something like this gets to me?’ he was snapping again he knew. He stopped talking. 

‘Patrick why don’t you explain to David why you need to think about it?’ Matt interjected ‘David can you listen to that?’ 

David nodded. Patrick nodded. 

‘Ok. Patrick said, he ran over it in his mind again, like he’d asked himself a million times. Matt had told him to just walk David through it step by step. Rational, like he always was. So he tried to be. ‘My Dad got diagnosed when I was 15.’ he began, he saw David nod, he knew that bit. ‘I had sorta known about my other relatives then, but I was younger, and you know by now my family don’t talk about things openly, not like that.’ David nodded again. ‘Anyway, by the time I was in college I’d worked out that everyone- and I mean everyone David, it’s…’ he stumbled a moment ‘It’s not fair is what it is.’ he looked down again, ‘Everyone on that side of the family gets it...dies of it.’ he couldn’t look up for a bit so he focused on Matt’s shoes across the room. ‘My college roommate was pre-med, and he said in this stupid, stupid offhand way the one time- the one time I talked to anyone about it. He said ‘well jeez I guess that means you too then.’ and I hadn’t realised until then.’ he flicked his eyes up at Matt, he hadn’t shared that part of the story with him. 

‘How did that make you feel then?’ Matt asked. 

‘Pretty fucking awful.’ Patrick answered. He shook his head. And looked over at David. ‘Dad was pretty sick at the time, my first two years of College.’ David nodded, they hadn’t talked about the timelines, he just let Patrick tell him what he needed to. 

‘Is that when you first researched it?’ Matt asked.

Patrick nodded. ‘You know me David, I need to take charge and get answers.’ David nodded, he was quietly giving Patrick his full attention, twisted in his chair listening. ‘There’s certain genetic mutations, some of them actual syndromes it could be- with the patterns, the types of cancer all that. But obviously I was like 19 and at that time it looked like my Dad could die any time too.’ his voice caught. ‘Sorry.’ he said. 

‘Take your time.’ Matt said gently. 

‘So obviously I wasn’t going to ask questions of my family. I never have. So I just read a lot, worked out all the possibilities. And that’s it, that’s when it became just fact to me, there are certain statistical probabilities that I will either get cancer or die from it, and that might be relatively young.’ he looked over at David ‘You think I’m crazy I know.’

David blinked and glanced over at Matt, presumably for permission to talk. Matt no doubt nodded because David shook his head. ‘I think you’re scared.’ he said softly. ‘And I think you were a kid dealing with far more than anyone should have to.’

‘You were a kid dealing with far more than you had to. You didn’t work out the statistical probability of you dying.’ Patrick retorted. 

‘Well let’s not open the box on what I did, this session is about you.’ he threw Matt a sheepish glance and Patrick gave a little laugh. 

‘Fair David.’ 

‘Do you…’David didn’t know how to put this. He didn’t know how to wrap his head around all this. Knowing his boyfriend had thought like this since before they’d met. That presumably lately he thought about it often. ‘I mean how do you live thinking like this…it must be exhausting.’

Patrick smiled ‘Don’t I ask you the same thing?’ David half-smiled. Then it dawned on Patrick how to explain it better. ‘You know when you can’t help but think about the one thing you shouldn’t like when you think I hate you or something? Or that you’ve ruined the Store again? That’s what it’s like for me with this. But it’s not like this anxiety spiral it’s this incredibly calm, rational thing. This thing that’s true in my mind. Like it’s become fact to me, even though it’s not. But also it might be. Which is why it’s so hard?’

David nodded slowly. He hated this. He hated that his boyfriend felt like this. That he’d lived with this hanging over him for so long that it became true. 

‘Patrick.’ Matt said evenly, ‘You mentioned there like David’s anxiety, but not. But do you realise this is a different kind of anxiety, what we’d call health anxiety? It’s really common with people who have had experience of illness in their family, especially as a young person.’

Patrick blinked. It hadn’t occurred to him no. It had just been a thing that was ‘true’ to him for so long he hadn’t even considered it was anything else. 

‘I’m not saying that there isn’t a chance you’re correct. I imagine- and I don’t know any of the medical details myself- that you spent a lot of time researching this, based on your Dad’s illness. Am i right?’ 

Hours and hours, down less and less legitimate internet rabbit holes. He’d stopped for many years, but since the funeral he’d done it again. Researching latest testing, and statistics. Nothing had changed really. There was undeniably a strong genetic chance he would end up with the same cancer. But he hadn’t entertained the idea that the way he thought about it, fixated on it maybe was a symptom of something else. He nodded at Matt. 

‘Right so you’re right this is complicated.’ Matt looked at them both ‘because we don’t want to play down any real medical concerns, because I think honestly it’s important to be mindful of that in the circumstances- we know men particularly aren’t good at seeking medical help and if there is an increased risk there I don’t want to tell you to ignore anything there right?’

‘Right.’ David jumped in surprising himself by the forcefulness of his answer. Matt nodded at him. 

‘But what we also don’t want is you to be consumed by thoughts of what is still- whatever the risk- just one of many scenarios. Would it help to talk through with David the different scenarios that scare you?’

Patrick nodded. ‘So David, um this is like the versions of stuff I run over in my mind. Again you know like when you tell me about how everything is the worst-case scenario in your mind? Like you burn down the Store and then I leave you because of it?’

‘Well when you say it like that it sounds ridiculous. It’s really logical when you-’ he stopped himself and nodded. 

‘Patrick?’ Matt prompted. 

‘Ok.’ Patrick said ‘So mostly these are things I’ve thought of for years so they’re quite abstract. But the first one is I get it young, like in the next couple of years.’ he heard David inhale to his left but he didn’t speak, letting Patrick carry on. ‘And I die quickly. That, in the darker moments is where I go I guess. Next version is similar, but really it’s the version like my Dad- get it, but not so young, I guess in 10 years or so now. But it never goes away. I um, never had an ending to that before just a sort of endless being ill which is what scared me. Now I guess the ending it’s...different.’ He looked at Matt ‘Sorry I don’t have a …’ he trailed off.

‘That’s ok. Why don’t you talk about the third version we discussed?’

Patrick had been stalling. But he nodded. He glanced over at David and looked down again, staring at the space between his feet. He sat back in the chair, still not looking at David. But he felt his hand on his arm. Just a gentle touch. He glanced over and David was looking at him patiently waiting. He nodded and swallowed. 

‘The, I guess newer version is the same as the first, it happens young, or I guess it doesn’t matter when but that’s when I you know, see it, when I imagine it. Me, like I am now. And, well. This I’ve only thought about recently but it’s maybe the hardest version now.’ it was harder to say than he thought and he wasn’t sure whether it was because saying it out loud made it more real, or whether it was saying it to David. ‘So it happens, I get it and…’ He paused collecting himself again pushed on. ‘And you leave me.’ he finished. 

David was quiet. Too quiet. Patrick glanced over. He knew he was trying not to cry. 

‘I’m sorry.’ he said quietly. 

‘You think I’d leave if you got ill?’ David said. His voice was soft, not at all the usual reaction Patrick would have predicted. 

‘I think what Patrick’s saying is those are his fears, it doesn’t mean it’s true, or that’s what would happen, just like the rest of the scenarios’ Matt interjected. ‘David do you want to say anything about that?’ 

He shrugged. For once he genuinely didn’t have anything to say he was so blindsided by it all. One minute they’d been discussing their relationship and a work-life balance the next his boyfriend was convinced he wouldn’t see forty or David would leave him in the process. 

‘Ok it’s a lot to take in’ Matt said, ‘Patrick can you maybe explain a bit more why you feel that might happen?’

‘It’s not about you.’ Patrick said quickly. ‘If you’d asked me with Rachel, or anyone else, I’d have worried about the same thing. I just never thought Rachel and I would stay together that long. Though that’s a whole other issue.’ he heard David snort softly, at least he was listening. 

‘We could also look at it as nobody has ever been as important as David is to you now?’ Matt prodded.

‘Right. And it’s about you as well. I’m, well, I’m giving you an out, if you wanted it.’ something ran cold in Patrick’s chest then. David didn’t speak, he didn’t even move. This was the thing that consumed him currently. He could deal with his fear of illness, of dying, he’d sat with it long enough. The fear of losing David, felt raw. 

David shook his head and finally looked at him. ‘Nope.’ he said. 

‘David you can’t ‘nope’ your way out of cancer’ Patrick said, shaking his head, and lifting a hand to wipe at his eyes. ‘I’m giving you an out now.’

David reached over the small gap between their chairs and held onto his arm, the only bit of him available to touch. ‘I don’t need an out.’ he said firmly. 

Patrick continued, determined. ‘I saw how hard it was, on my parents, even with the best marriage in the world, it was hard. And I see how my Mom is now, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone either.’ 

‘I’m saying I don’t need an out.’ David said firmly. 

‘David I’m scared that’s what’s going to happen to me and.’ he sniffed a bit looking down ‘I’m not sure I can do that to you either.’ 

‘And I’m saying don’t even think about it.’ 

‘David I’m just saying-’

‘Shh!’ he said waving a hand at him, Patrick made a face but let him carry on. He stole a glance at Matt who was letting this play out. ‘I don’t need an out. Lord knows you put up with enough with this.’ he gestured at himself, ‘and my family’ he added and that earned a smile from Patrick. ‘Besides this is kind of an ‘in sickness and in health’ kind of situation.’

‘David we aren’t married.’

‘Oh well um, no but I just meant…’ he was flustered, getting away with himself. Patrick leaned down and rested a hand over his, giving him an out again. 

David dipped his head. ‘Look, sweetheart.’ David sounded so much like his Dad when he borrowed that word, and he had done it so rarely it was somehow obviously his way of conveying something important. ‘I get that you’re scared that might happen to you, the same way I’m scared one day I’ll end up a...version of my Mom.’ he wasn’t kidding for once and Patrick knew what he meant, David was genuinely scared of becoming a darker version of his Mom’s darker side. ‘I get that you’re scared, I can’t imagine what it feels like to have lived with what you have thinking it might happen to you as well.’

‘I think you can.’ Patrick said quietly. He hadn’t realised the similarity until right now. David lifted his eyes and nodded. 

‘Hmm.’ David responded. ‘Look, what I’m saying is, you’re allowed to be scared of that. But never- please.’ there was something desperate in the way he said that ‘Never, ask me to think about leaving because you’re scared I wouldn’t stay.’

That did it for Patrick. Scared, flighty David, begging him to never consider giving him an out if it got scary. His face crumpled and he leant on his elbows as tears started to fall. 

‘Can I…’ he heard David sweetly asking for permission, before he was on his knees in front of Patrick wrapping himself around him for a second, letting himself cry out all the fear he’d held onto. He pulled back and Patrick sat up and looked at him. 

David could feel his hand shaking a bit, but he tried to hide that as he rested them on Patrick’s legs, bracing himself so he could look at his boyfriend. He was still trying to wrap his head around all of this, and frankly it was the least he could do with all Patrick had to take on with him. But he knew one thing with certainty. 

‘I promise you if it happens, we will deal with it together.’ David said. 

Patrick’s face crumpled again and David lifted a hand to his cheek and nodded before going back to his chair. Patrick reached over for his hand and David held on wiping his face too. 

‘Everyone ok?’ Matt asked after a moment, they both nodded ‘Good. That was hard I know, and it’s going to take a bit of work still, but I think it’s good you’ve shared that Patrick. How do you feel?’

He thought for a moment ‘Still scared.’ he said honestly feeling David squeeze his hand ‘But also relieved.’ 

‘Is there anything else you want to tell David?’ Matt asked. 

Patrick exhaled, trying to form the words. Wanting David to understand the balance between the very real fear and what he knew sounded ridiculous. ‘It scares me. It really scares me and I hate admitting it, giving in to it. I don’t want to die David, but it’s like, for as long as I can remember I’ve thought- known known, that’s how I’m going to go. But I just always hoped I had as long a time as possible with it. Especially now.’ he looked at David at last ‘Does that make any sense.’

David looked at him, with a sort of sadness tinged with love and a determination not to cry. ‘Yeah.’ he nodded. ‘But you don’t have to do any of it alone ok?’ Patrick held his gaze and nodded. 

Later they went for a walk around Elmdale, trying to decompress a bit after the session. Patrick ducked into a coffee shop and bought them a coffee and they walked to the park together. David had been keeping up a casual chatter about the Stores they passed, but now he was quiet. He looped an arm through Patrick’s as they walked. Patrick could feel him thinking. 

‘I would be able to deal with it.’ he said eventually ‘because you’ve made me strong enough to.’

Patrick stopped, looked up at him and nodded. ‘And if anything ever happened to you- even if your worst fears happened?’ David bit his lip and nodded ‘I will be there too ok?’ David nodded again. Patrick smiled and they carried on walking, arm in arm. 

10 years later 

‘Mr Brewer-Rose?’ the Doctor appeared in the waiting room. David sprang to his feet. 

‘Yes.’ he said anxiously, glancing over at Stevie who was still slumped in the chair next to his asleep. 

‘Your husband is out of surgery.’ he said and smiled, ‘It went well, we got it all.’ he said and David felt the ground shift under him, he stumbled backwards to his seat. ‘It’s good news.’ the Doctor continued ‘He’ll need some radiation therapy as a precaution, and we’ll of course monitor him after that. But it looks like he’ll be fine.’

‘Thank god.’ David muttered. ‘Can I see him?’

‘He’ll be back in his room in about 30 minutes.’ the Doctor said ‘A bit groggy, but he’s in recovery and doing fine so you can see him then.’ 

‘Thank you.’ David whispered. ‘Thank you.’

The doctor nodded before making his apologies and leaving. David considered waking Stevie but instead briefly paused and dipped his head, Baruch atah adonai eloheinu melech ha'olam, hatov vhameitiv. He muttered in Hebrew first before continuing a silent prayer of thanks. Also thinking as he lifted his head, a thank you to his ridiculous husband for encouraging him to go back to his faith in the last ten years. He wasn’t sure what he’d have done these last few months without. 

He nudged Stevie awake. She blinked at him. 

‘He’s ok.’ he said with a smile, ‘they got it all and he’s ok.’ 

Her face dissolved into a smile and she threw herself into him. Her hugs never got any less bone crushing when they rarely appeared. 

‘Oof.’ he said with a smile. 

‘Go see your husband’ she said into his neck. ‘I’ll come back later.’ 

He waited a moment outside the room. Suddenly anxious for no reason. Once inside much of that melted away. Patrick was there, and real, and alive and fine. He reminded himself, he was fine. He gave himself a moment to adjust to him all wired up. He had an IV in his left hand, as well as some wires that linked to a heart monitor. All temporary David assured himself, just while he recovered. He looked small and pale against the sheets. He’d lost a fair bit of weight in the last couple of months, partly through stress, loss of muscle tone not being able to do as much as usual. He’d cut his hair even shorter than usual for fear of losing it anyway. And that thought tipped David over the edge. The stupid relief that he wasn’t going to go through chemo, he wasn’t going to lose his hair and become half the person he usually was. That he was ok. As he wiped at his eyes Patrick flicked open his eyes. 

‘David?’ he asked, his voice croaky and small. 

‘Yes, yes it’s me.’ he said, wiping his face and going to the bed, pulling the chair as close as it would go. Taking Patrick’s hand he put a hand gently to his face. ‘Hey’ he said with a smile. 

‘What happened?’ Patrick asked frowning ‘Tell me.’ he said with a frown ‘It’s ok if it’s not-’

‘No.’ David cut him off ‘No it’s good, I’m sorry this is just me I’m...you’re ok.’ he said with a grin ‘It went good, they got it all you’re ok.’

‘I’m ok?’ he said through a slightly drug induced haze ‘I’m ok?’

David nodded. ‘They got it all. They’ll do the radiation treatment they talked about, but it looks good, really good.’ he bit his lip as Patrick locked eyes with him and his eyes filled with tears. 

‘I’m ok.’ he said like he didn’t believe it.

‘You’re ok sweetheart’ David said leaning over and kissing him gently. 

‘Love you.’ Patrick managed before the drugs took him off to sleep again. David stayed, stroking his head and holding his hand while he dozed. Finally letting himself properly cry with relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how common it is for people in Patrick's situation to have the fears he does about his own health but I know it's a real concern for me and others I know. So I wanted to include that very real, very scary thing too. 
> 
> Almost at the end of this particular ride. Thanks everyone for sticking with this.


	13. We can sit here all night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the most simple, unexpected things break you. Everything finally comes crashing down for Patrick. And he opens up about what things were like as a kid.

15 Years Later 

It was the Body Milk. It was always the damn Body Milk. If it hadn’t flown off the shelf and crashed around him while he was in the Storeroom, David would never have ended up sitting on the floor of the same Storeroom. He would never have pushed his long-suffering husband to close for a ‘lunchbreak’ and spend 30 minutes on the floor with him in a state of basically comatose stupor. He just had nothing left. No fight in him. He felt like every day for the last eight months he’d been dragging himself through life and now he was just sitting there. 

It seemed ridiculous but Patrick worried when there were no tears. No hysteria. No normal level David hysteria that is. He’d heard the crash, and instinctively gone to look, to check there was no injury, especially when no noise had followed. For all he knew David had been knocked out cold by a falling candle. Instead what he found was a pool of congealing Body Milk and David, sat in the far corner staring at it. After he called his name and got no response, Patrick went and quietly closed up. Whether for half an hour or all day, it didn’t matter. David still hadn’t moved, except to lower his head onto his arms, hiding his face, so he lowered himself to the floor next to him.

‘Store’s closed.’ he said ‘Nobody will bother us. And I have got all day to sit on this floor if we have to.’ Sometimes, it was like approaching a frightened animal, letting David pick when to engage. So he sat, waiting. After a bit he leaned over and rested his head on David’s arm, just letting him know he was still there. He had seen this- or least a version of this- coming. The last months had felt increasingly hard, he knew David was feeling the loss of his parents, more with each passing week, day sometimes. He’d had such little time between losing Moira and Johnny that he hadn’t begun to heal. And Patrick had watched him slowly shut down, powerless to do anything except wait for him to either breakdown, or ask for help. Or maybe both. He couldn’t decide if it was better or worse to understand what he was going through. But he also knew David was already- as much as he had healed in some ways- so damaged in other ways, who knew what this was doing inside his head. He’d talked to Matt, who he still saw once a month about it, and they’d agreed, much like Patrick’s own journey with grief, it was one they had to just ride out together. 

‘Huh.’ Patrick said eventually, ‘I never knew that stuff congeals if you leave it.’ he found himself watching the soothing route of the body milk into patterns across the floor. It was going to be a nightmare to clean up later. But actually watching the stuff form into pockets was quite soothing really. ‘Almost looks like a map.’ he mused.

Talking worked and David finally lifted his head and looked at the body milk for a bit with Patrick. He was right, it was congealing. ‘Looks like melted cheese.’ he said finally. 

‘Always with food.’ Patrick said ‘Don’t drink it. I learned that on day one.’ 

David seemed to try to smile, but it got lost somewhere. He stared at the pool of white gloop for a while longer. He needed to say it, he needed to finally push past everything in his brain screaming the opposite. He felt Patrick lean in again. A subconscious telling him he was here. Finally he spoke, trying to keep his voice from cracking. Staring straight ahead. 

‘I’m not ok.’ he said quietly. 

Patrick nodded slowly, keeping his face neutral. Letting him talk through this. 

‘I haven’t felt like this in…’ he shrugged ‘Twenty years?’ he shook his head, about that. Before they’d moved. Long before Patrick. He’d been depressed after they moved. He’d even been depressed since Patrick. Nothing fixed everything. But that was, circumstantial, passing dips in life and brain chemistry. This was...something else. 

Patrick nodded patiently. He knew obviously David hadn’t been himself. Not since his Mom died, more so since Johnny. He’d waited it out, knowing it had to come from David. And also he admitted, a sort of blind hope that he’d feel better. He cursed himself, worrying he’d let it get too far. He shuffled a bit closer, resting a hand on David’s back. ‘Tell me.’ he said. He felt David shrug and rested his head on his shoulder, willing his husband to find the strength to talk to him. 

David felt the weight of his husband’s head on him and felt a moment of peace. It was things like this which meant he’d waited this long. There were moments he could feel, if not happy, then safe. Which was a world away from how this used to feel. The last time he remembered feeling this way had been a fast downward spiral into some terrifying times. He’d held on now because he had Patrick. Because he knew he was always safe. There was a safety net. But even that had felt more and more distant. He’d felt himself slipping away into just...darkness of a kind he had no desire to revisit. He’d kept it at bay as long has he could through coping mechanisms, healthy and not healthy. But something had just clicked- not even clicked it felt like the last shred of a light going out. And he knew, with whatever shred of normal thought he still had left, he had to talk about it. He had to let Patrick help him. 

‘I realised the other day.’ he said, time was still fuzzy in his head. ‘I was walking back to the Store, and Carl- you know the kid who took over Bob’s?’ Patrick nodded, sitting up again to listen properly, he rested a hand on David’s back still to keep that connection. ‘He was driving like a maniac as usual, and he didn’t see me, and he came really close to hitting me on the corner.’ he shrugged, ‘And for a second I thought ‘well what if he did?’’ he looked up ‘And that scared me. Because I haven’t thought like that in years. And it wasn’t-it isn’t like- ‘what if I jumped in front of his truck’ I promise you it isn’t- but it was the thought of ‘so what’ that scared me more.’ he bit his lip as if he expected Patrick to be angry. His brown eyes were as patient as ever. 

‘Anything else?’ he asked softly. A shred of panic rising in him that he pushed down. It was fine, David was fine, and safe. Nothing had happened. He could make sure nothing did happen. That was his job, the one he’d long ago promised to do. 

David’s eyes flicked down. ‘Pills’ he said softly ‘I’ve been doubling the sleeping pills, and I have a stash of...various things, some of them way out of date probably. Just now and then. When I’ve felt like it’s been too long since I functioned properly...so you don’t get mad at me. Or worry.’

Patrick nodded, and reached a hand up to David’s cheek, ‘You know I only get mad because I worry right?’ David didn’t answer, so he pulled him towards him and kissed the side of his head. He held him there for a second ‘We’ll help fix it ok?’

David sighed as he pulled away ‘How many times have I told you that you can’t fix me? That I’m damaged goods?’ he looked at poor patient caring Patrick and wondered how many more times he could put him through things like this. 

‘And when have I ever listened?’ Patrick answered. David smiled weakly at that. ‘Let me call Matt for you ok?’ David nodded ‘He’ll see you as an emergency, we can drive over there today if he’s got a slot. Or first thing or whenever. Let’s do that first.’ 

‘Come with me? I mean be in the session with me. I don’t think I can do it on my own.’ David asked. And he looked so scared it killed Patrick. 

‘Of course.’ he said. Then noticed David’s eyes flick down. ‘What?’ he asked. There was a long pause. 

David fixed his eyes down again. He could feel his chest tightening in fear. His biggest fear above all else. ‘I’m scared that he’ll...make me go somewhere. Away from you.’ 

Patrick closed his eyes against that. If he was honest that had long been on his list of top fears should David’s mind take him off a cliff one day. ‘We’re not there yet.’ he promised. ‘Let’s just speak to Matt yeah?’ 

David nodded. He knew Patrick knew the fear he harboured about turning into a version of his Mom’s troubled side. Of his own troubled side returning and consuming him. Rationally he knew right now, this was not so much that, as a reaction to the extremes of emotion the last year had brought. In his more rational moments he knew it was exactly what he’d told Patrick all those years earlier, he just had to work through it. His rational mind also knew that his brain chemistry just didn’t work in his favour. That he might need a little more external help than even Patrick had. But mostly his rational mind wasn’t the one he was able to listen to right now. Luckily he had an extremely rational husband for that. 

15 Years Earlier 

He thought he was doing better, he really did. He’d had a couple more sessions with Matt, and he felt like he was making progress. They were hard, he pushed Patrick to address the things in his past he hadn’t until now. Mainly about his Dad, and confronting how much his illness had affected him. But they’d started touching on his sexuality too, and it was increasingly a revelation to him too, realising what he might have known and not realised. And again how all that had affected him. 

But he and David were talking more openly about that too. David hadn’t been to any more sessions yet, but he could see the shift in Patrick. He wasn’t an open book by any means, but he was less guarded, and the recent walls he’d built up had come back down. And he was sharing things he probably wouldn’t have before. Like just now when they’d started a teasing conversation about David’s childhood crush on Rachel-from-Friends. 

‘I used to want to be like Ross.The cool nerd who got the girl.’ Patrick said ‘You know before I got older and realised he was, you know the worst boyfriend.’

‘She should have stayed on the plane.’ David said deadly serious. ‘And run off with the charming and funny younger man in a perfect 90s oversized sweater in the next seat.’ he gave a little toss of his head for dramatic effect. And Patrick laughed. David grinned. He noticed every genuine laugh and smile that had crept back in now. And he wasn’t taking any of them for granted. 

‘David you were like 19 when it ended.’ he laughed.

‘Still a better boyfriend than Ross.’ he pouted. ‘She doesn’t know what she missed.’ 

‘I’m sure.’ Patrick laughed, he paused, then continued. ‘I was rewatching it a couple of years back actually- you know how when everything is awful you go back to a familiar tv show?’ David made a soft noise of agreement and reached an arm over Patrick’s shoulders, massaging the base of his neck gently. Again not taking the easy touch for granted. ‘And firstly I realised, David Schimmer really worked out I mean that was some gym body.’ Patrick smiled, ‘And I think I realised.’ he added carefully ‘Actually it was Ross I’d wanted to be with.’ he looked down ‘I mean aside from realising he was the worst.’

‘Obviously’ David said. 

‘I guess maybe I had a type even then.’ Patrick added with a little smile. ‘Though I think I traded up.’ 

David laughed and leaned over to kiss him, which he gladly returned. ‘Damn right.’ he said. ‘In the hair at the very least’ He paused contemplating how far Patrick wanted to go with this. ‘Was that, the first time you really...thought about it? Just a couple of years ago?’

Patrick swallowed, he’d talked about this a bit with Matt. ‘Sort of.’ he said. ‘I think consciously maybe. Certainly it’s the point I remember...pushing it away.’ he looked down again ‘I feel really guilty every time I say that.’ 

David rubbed at the back of his neck. ‘You know I talk a big talk-obviously’ he said ‘But it doesn’t mean I never ...tried to pretend it was something else too.’ he left it at that for now. 

‘It’s just so weird, I mean you grow up with all these messages about how the world looks, Ross and Rachel, you know you never think ‘Ross and Chandler’ because nobody told you that was ok.’ Patrick rolled his eyes, ‘Sorry I mean you know all this obviously, and it’s stupid that it’s you know news to me.’

David smiled, it was endearing really, watching Patrick figure this out. ‘Well firstly if it was Chandler and anyone it was Joey.’ Patrick smiled ‘Secondly, who says I have it all figured out?’

‘You usually.’ Patrick said with a grin, and kissed him. ‘Anyway, that’s enough introspection via 90s sitcoms for one night. Drink?’ 

‘Mmm’ David said appreciatively. 

‘Ok. Let me rinse these dishes, pick us something to watch-something that isn’t Notting Hill’ he said getting up. He went to the bathroom after dumping the dishes, and when he returned David was studiously studying their Netflix list. He shouted a couple of suggestions which Patrick quickly vetoed, before giving him a quick kiss. 

‘You have as long as it takes me to wash these.’ he said indicating the dishes. David choosing a movie could be an...extended process some days. David hummed an agreement and Patrick made his way to the sink. He did the plates and was just picking up one of the water glasses to wash. He turned his head to answer David’s question about the film, and as he did he must have squeezed too hard on the glass in his hand because it shattered. Maybe it was already cracked and he hadn’t noticed. But he felt a sharp pain in his hand as he finished speaking and looked down to a pool of blood forming in his palm. Dripping down into the sink and mixing with the water. It hurt, but he wasn’t that injured. But when he replayed the moment- as he would over and over, he distinctly felt the jolt in his memory that flashed on a moment before his body took over. He heard himself gasp aloud though which clearly got David’s attention. He looked at the sink and his mind flashed on a memory so briefly at first he didn’t have time to process it before he felt like he’d been ripped in two. 

David thought he’d injured himself. And badly. He’d heard the small crash and then him cry out and saw a flash of blood. He was off the sofa and to him before Patrick hit the floor. And he hit it hard. He wasn’t sure if he half-fainted there, or whether it was the force of whatever cut through his body in that moment. At first David was just consumed with the injury- fearing it was something far more serious. There was blood running down his hand, down his arm from the cut. But it was mixed with water, and while it was bleeding more than David was comfortable with, it wasn’t serious. All of this he tried to process, and not to panic over as he heard Patrick make a noise he never wanted to hear again, but one he half remembered from blurry memories of his own, a sort of half scream half cry, and double up falling to his knees next to the sink like he was in tremendous pain. Not like, David realised after. Just a different type of pain. 

David reached for his hand checking that really it was just a scratch from the glass, bleeding a little too much from the soft skin it had nicked and the water. He was ok, no serious injury though it really did need attention. Patrick was holding it as far from his body as he could. Was he afraid of blood? David didn’t recall that ever coming up. He couldn’t be in that much pain. It took David valuable seconds to catch up. As he did, Patrick’s body had doubled over with sobs, great heaving sobs where he was struggling to breathe, like his whole body was in pain. Again, not like, David realised. The moment he really knew was when Patrick lifted his eyes briefly to David’s and tried to speak. He managed a garbled. ‘I’m sorry...just hurts...he...miss...don’t know.’ before giving him a look that clearly just said ‘help me please.’ David had given that look to people too. Rarely had they helped him either. He wasn’t going to be making that mistake obviously. 

David thought fast. He could focus on the cut, but that wasn’t going to really harm anyone. Forgoing moping that up he considered the options, honestly he was scared. Seeing Patrick like this, was so far removed from his stoic, considered demeanour. He’d seen him cry, he’d seen him broken and upset but this was...near hysteria. He was struggling to breath and he looked like he was physically in pain. And his cries were coming out in a kind of high pitched whine mixed with his struggling for air. He knew he had to think of something to calm him down before he hurt himself. He went for what Patrick did for him when panic attacks still seized him. He took both his hands, pulling them from where they were covering his face, and being held away the blood dripping from it. He held them both tight and spoke as he knelt down trying to keep his voice calm and even. 

‘Hey, hey it’s me ok. Just hold onto my hands ok?’ Patrick didn’t respond. That was ok, they could get there. ‘Hold onto my hands while I talk to you ok? I’m gonna just sit here next to you and talk.’ Still nothing, he was making a noise like he was in pain and clearly still not breathing properly as he was gasping between noises, it was getting worse if anything. ‘Ok Patrick you’re gonna listen to me.’ David said, making his voice as forceful as he dared, ‘We are going to sit here and cry all night if we have to, that’s totally fine. But you’re gonna hurt yourself if you don’t breathe for me ok?’ Patrick made a choking noise as he struggled to, David didn’t know what. So he squeezed his hands hard, ‘Patrick listen to me.’

Everything just hurt. And he felt like his body had been possessed by something. Never in his life had he felt like this. He was struggling to breathe but also his body was almost...convulsing with his guesses crying but it didn’t feel like any kind of crying he’d ever done before. It was like his whole body was ripping in two with every wave of it. And he couldn’t get enough air, and every time that happened he panicked, but every time he panicked a new wave of sobs ripped through him. He could hear the noise he was making and that scared him. And he was so out of control it terrified him. It was like his brain and body had disconnected, but split three ways, the tiny bit of his normal conscious mind was terrified at what the other two parts were doing. And the loss of control made him panic further. And then David squeezed his hand and a sharp pain from the cut ripped through it and pulled him into focus just long enough to inhale, sitting up and looking at him. Suddenly David swam into focus for a second. He couldn’t breathe still, his body was still doing all manner of things separate to his brain but for a second he could focus. 

‘Fuck.’ David said out loud realising he’d hurt him. But a second later realising it had snapped him out of it for a second. ‘Patrick, stay with me ok?’ he said, Patrick was wide eyed and frightened but he nodded a fraction. ‘Ok good, good’ David said, trying to catch his brain up ‘Ok just try and breathe for me ok, just focus on me, just for a minute, I swear I won’t ask anything else of you today, maybe ever, just this just keep listening to me ok, I’m gonna squeeze your left hand can you squeeze back for me?’ 

Patrick’s breathing had slowed enough he nodded fractionally, David squeezed then he squeezed back. ‘Ok I think we’re getting there.’ David let himself breathe. ‘Keep listening to me yeah?’ he quickly looked over at Patrick doing a check. His breathing was still too fast, too erratic, he was still heaving with sobs but he was back from the hysteria, they could do this. ‘Ok once more, squeeze it once more.’ David squeezed and Patrick squeezed back. ‘Ok, ok then’ David said ‘I think we’re ok, we’re gonna be ok yeah. Just hold my hands a minute longer yeah, we’re just going to breathe together a bit longer ok?’ David made a big show of breathing in and out a few times and with ragged, now slightly snotty breaths Patrick did the same. He let go of his hands and rested his own on Patrick’s shoulders hoping the familiar gesture would calm him. Patrick managed a glance in his direction before looping the hand with the cut onto his neck, it felt like he was holding himself up. 

He could feel himself shaking, he wasn’t sure with the effort the emotion or all of it. He could also feel he was on the edge of something, though he wasn’t sure what. He drew a few ragged breaths. And he could feel nausea rising in him. He tried to speak to warn David before it overtook him, but he was too late. He threw up, over himself over David.

‘I’m sorry I’m so, so sorry.’ he was struggling to breathe again ‘David I’m sorry.’ he braced himself as another wave of nausea took over him. As he started crying again. He held it in. Just. 

David made a snap decision. He pulled himself halfway upright then hauled Patrick after him ‘Sorry babe.’ he muttered ‘Just help me a bit ‘kay?’ 

Patrick allowed himself to be dragged upwards, and half stumbled with David the mercifully few steps to the bathroom. They made it just in time as his body convulsed again and he threw up. Over and over in a horribly undignified manner. Until he was just dry retching into the toilet. He felt David’s hand on his back, heard him muttering reassuring words he couldn’t quite hear. Eventually his body stilled and he leaned on the toilet. 

David exhaled for a second. He rested his head on Patrick’s back, giving himself a moment to catch his breath too. Allowing him to settle a bit, before easing him backwards from the toilet, still holding him upright with one arm, reaching round and shutting the lid and flushing it. He gave them both a second to breathe. Patrick couldn’t look at him as he slumped against the bathtub, closing his eyes, but David kept a hand on his arm letting him know he was still there. 

Patrick could feel himself still shaking. He felt out of it, like his head was underwater. But he was also back from the brink of something. Something that scared him so much he never wanted to go back there, but he felt like he might. Like he might fall in and never come out. He sniffled softly, realising he hadn’t yet stopped crying totally. He felt a creeping embarrassment but he was also powerless to stop this. He felt truly pathetic and truly miserable, and yet he had no fight left in him. He couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes and see the pity or disgust or whatever he’d created in David. He sensed him move next to him. 

David scooted a bit closer and he examined Patrick’s face closely, he picked up a towel and wiped at the worst of the vomit around his mouth that he didn’t seem to have noticed, or maybe have the willpower, to wipe away. He was a mess, really, and holding his injured hand away from his body like it might bite. 

Patrick felt him touch his face with the cloth and he screwed his eyes tighter. It was too much, too overwhelming that he was still there taking care of him. And his hand, still throbbing, stinging with the water, and vomit and blood still coming out. He moved his hand further away like the distance would somehow help. 

‘Ok we need to deal with this.’ David said, looking up as well Patrick’s face was streaked with blood from the cut too, and he guessed probably his face, certainly his clothes along with Patrick’s sweater was. Both of them had vomit on them. David gently took Patrick’s injured hand and turned it over. It wasn’t deep but it was still bleeding, aggravated now by David touching it. Patrick winced. Again he did a quick assessment. He released Patrick’s hand and rested his hands on his shoulders. ‘Can you let me sort you out?’ he asked. 

Patrick nodded. He felt miserable; he probably looked worse. David nodded at him. 

‘Ok first let’s get this off ok?’ he indicated Patrick’s sweater, which was damp with a mess of vomit, blood and tears. Patrick nodded. He felt David reach around him gently and ease the sweater over his head, pulling it carefully off his arm avoiding the cut. He threw it to one side, before quickly discarding his own sweater. ‘We’ll get you something warm in a sec ok?’ he said more to himself than Patrick. ‘Stay put ok?’ 

He stood up and rummaged in the cabinet. Then dashed to the kitchen and back again. Having assembled supplies he ran the hot tap with one eye on Patrick on the ground. He’d pulled his knees up to his chest, and was breathing a series of ragged breaths, clearly trying to contain the sobs that seemed to just come at random intervals now, taking over his body temporarily before he settled again. David felt a deep ache in the pit of his stomach watching him, knowing if not the exact emotion, the physical sensation of this kind of breakdown. ‘We’ll sort you out ok?’ he said softly more for something to say. 

He grabbed two washcloths, and on his way back and a clean towel from the drawer too. Proper bandages or whatever could wait. He quickly filled a bowl with warm water and sunk back down next to Patrick. He was shaking a bit, and David frowned in concern, but for now his sobs had subsided to a more soft whimpering. Deal with the cut he told himself, then the rest. 

‘Ok my Nurse skills are terrible so this will probably hurt.’ he said ‘But I’ll be quick.’ 

Patrick hadn’t put his hand down, it was sort of floating in thin air, he wasn’t sure whether from pain or fear or what. But he flicked his eyes to David so he knew he was ok with it. David cupped his left hand underneath and dipped the washcloth in the water. He gently wiped at the cut, where the bleeding had thankfully finally slowed. He cleaned the palm first, so he could see what he was doing, then dabbed at the cut. It was a nasty, sore looking one, ragged at one end. But not deep, and as he washed it out, clearly nothing left in there. Content it would soon stop bleeding and no serious harm done, he took the dry washcloth and wrapped it around. ‘Just hold that still until it stops.’ he said quietly. He felt Patrick’s fingers curl around it and he let go. He dipped the washcloth into the bowl to rinse it again, then scooted a bit closer. He rested a hand on Patrick’s shoulder to let him know he was there- he’d looked away the whole time he was working, and he turned his head a fraction now. He was calmer now, a sort of sniffly cry escaping while he tried to continue steadying his breathing. ‘Ok?’ David said, holding the cloth up. He wasn’t sure Patrick understood what he was asking but he nodded. David put his left hand under Patrick’s chin to tilt his face towards him slightly. He moved the cloth to his face, touching it gently to his cheeks to wipe off the streaks of blood that had ended up there. His chin had streaks of vomit on it, and David got those two, rinsing the cloth in the now pink tinged water between wipes. He held on steadily with his other hand to Patrick’s shoulder. His skin was pale, the blood offsetting it not helping things. He worked methodically, cleaning him up. Patrick closed his eyes as he did so and finally seemed to still for a second. 

There was a brief moment he managed to pause. As David wiped at his face with the warm cloth. As he felt his firm hand on his shoulder steading him, and the gentle touch on his face. He felt safe again, calm for a second. He could just about shut out the embarrassment at having thrown up all over them both. He closed his eyes and let himself focus on that hoping it would centre him a bit. He still couldn’t think clearly. His brain had gone from a white-hot panic to a kind of fuzz. He tried to concentrate on David’s touch and the warm water on his face. It was so gentle, so kind. Such a contrast to the physical pain in his hand, and then the feeling that had ripped through him after. He heard David softly make a ‘hmm’ sound as he worked, felt a bit of pressure, presumably at a bit of stubborn blood on his face. He felt himself start to panic again at the thought of blood. He sensed David did too because he stilled. Patrick couldn’t open his eyes.

‘There, I’m here yeah.’ he heard him mutter softly. ‘You’re ok.’

Patrick nodded a fraction and felt David continue. He moved up from wiping his cheeks to his forehead and back down. It was so warm, so gentle, he felt himself lean into it. Something letting go. David stopped wiping his face and he felt David’s other hand on his cheek. 

‘All done.’ he whispered, and leaned in to kiss Patrick’s forehead. For a moment he let himself lean into David’s touch and when he pulled back he finally opened his eyes. David was a few inches from his face, hands still holding his cheeks, and as Patrick’s eyes locked with his he saw David’s filled with concern. But also looking at him with such love, in a way that still so often baffled him. He’d just wiped blood and vomit off his face, and held him through near hysteria, and Patrick could barely wrap his head around the feeling of love that caused to rise up in him. And that overwhelmed him. It must have shown on his face because David’s brows shifted imperceptibly probably to anyone else, but he knew the silent question he was asking ‘are you ok.’ Patrick shook his head, barely a fraction of a movement. And he crumpled. It wasn’t like before. It wasn’t the hysteria that had consumed him. Instead it was like everything falling out of him at once. And he felt himself fall, literally into David’s arms. Like his body just let go entirely and he pitched forward, David caught him and pulled him down into his lap. And suddenly tears started emptying out of his body in a way he’d never felt like before. He just knew very certainly in that moment he wasn’t ok and hadn’t been for some time.

David saw the exact moment it happened, the moment he finally let go of it all. It wasn’t when he’d shouted, or struggled to breathe. It was the second after David looked at him, had thrown him the smallest of silent questions. And Patrick had answered. Whether he’d wanted to or not whether he’d wanted to keep holding onto it all, it was like something in his mind finally cracked open and his whole body responded. It wasn’t nearly as hysterical, it was actually so quiet and sad that it hurt more to watch. He crumpled into David who pulled him into his lap. His face was soaked with tears before he buried his face in David’s tshirt. And there was soft, barely perceptible heaving of his chest as he just cried and cried. 

David didn’t speak for a long time, he barely dared to move. He just pulled Patrick into his lap and wrapped himself around him. Almost doubled over, as if draping himself like a protective blanket over his boyfriend he just held on and let him cry. He’d meant it earlier when he said he’d sit here all night and let him cry if he had to. 

Patrick felt like all of him was emptying out, and he didn’t know when it might stop. He’d hoped that if he finally touched whatever it was he knew was inside of him threatening to come out that it might feel like a release. But this just hurt. It was like bringing all of the pain he didn’t know he had to to surface and letting it fall out of him. And he wanted it all out. And he couldn’t have stopped it if he tried. What started as silent tears morphed into a soft sobbing, and he heard David quietly above him muttering ‘Shh, it’s ok, I’m here.’ and he clung to him tighter. Letting the sobs shake through him a bit more, hoping it would all just go away. He felt David tighten around him again and heard him say ‘I got you.’ over and over again until he calmed down again. 

David felt him still a bit, and straighted up a little. He could feel Patrick clinging to his t shirt, and he bought a hand up to his hair, gently stroking the part of his head not buried in his clothes. ‘Shhh’ he repeated ‘it’s ok.’ he couldn’t be certain but he felt like his voice calmed him a bit, he didn’t want him to stop crying until he was ready, but he also wanted to hold him back from the kind of convulsing hysterical crying that he knew from experience did nobody any good. He leaned down and kissed the bit of his head that he could reach and kept his head dipped low. ‘It’s ok to cry like this sweetheart, it’s really ok.’ that had the opposite effect and Patrick convulsed into further sobs ‘I’m sorry.’ he said, ‘So sorry.’ he went back to smoothing his hair ‘I’m so sorry you have to feel like this. I wish I could take it away.’ he heard his own voice crack. But he carried on ‘But I promise you it’s ok. We can stay here all night if you need to. We can sit on the floor every night and cry if you need to. Every day. I will hold you any time you need me to, you just gotta tell me ok?’ he leaned down and kissed Patrick’s hair again. ‘We know I love a good cry anyway.’ he heard a little hiccup then, a sign maybe he was coming back, listening to him again. ‘I love you.’ he said, ‘I’m here and I love you.’ for want of anything else he just kept repeating that over and over, until finally Patrick stilled in his lap. David let out a breath. 

‘Don’t try and move yet ok?’ he whispered leaning in again. ‘Just stay for a bit ok? I’m not going anywhere.’ he resumed stroking his boyfriend’s hair, willing this to be the end, at least temporarily, worried Patrick’s body wouldn’t take much more tonight. He felt him exhale, and shift into him a little. ‘I got you.’ he repeated. 

It felt like all the fight leaving his body at once. If he hadn’t already been in David’s lap he’d have collapsed he was certain. Everything hurt and it was like he’d cried everything, every last ounce of tears, of energy out of him. He heard David’s voice, and he heard him tell him not to move, and he wasn’t sure he could have if he’d wanted to. So he clung on a bit longer instead. 

David had no idea how long they sat there. He stroked Patrick’s hair and his back. He held his arms around him, and let him rest. Eventually he felt him stir. 

‘Hey.’ David said softly, ‘You wanna sit up.’ he felt Patrick nodd and he released his grip a bit. He pushed himself upright and looked at David. Instinctively the first thing he did was lean in and kiss him, then wrapped himself tightly around his neck ‘Thank you’ he whispered. David’s arms came up and wrapped around him and he pulled him tight. He couldn’t answer, afraid it would be what broke him. His boyfriend who was so broken and exhausted thanking him. They pulled back a moment later. 

‘You want to get up off this floor?’ David asked gently. Patrick nodded and he was able to take in his face for the first time, it was swollen with crying, his eyes puffy and almost half closed. He brought a hand up to his cheek. ‘Ok lets go.’ he said, pulling himself up and Patrick after him. 

Patrick steadied himself on David, realising his legs weren’t quite working. David waited a second then guided them both out of the bathroom. Once outside Patrick registered the mess in the kitchen- broken glass, blood, vomit. ‘Oh god I’m sorry, look I’ll clean up.’ 

David took his shoulders firmly. ‘You will do no such thing.’ he said. ‘Go and get changed, I will deal with it.’ 

‘David it’s gross and it’s my fault and-’

‘I will deal with it.’ David placed a kiss on his forehead. ‘You ok to…’ he gestured. Patrick nodded. He felt wobbly but he was fine to make it across his apartment unaided. David nodded back and sent him on his way. David quickly cleared up the mess. It really was no big deal- for all his foibles he was quite good with mess, and indeed bodily fluids. From a plethora of encounters he’d rather forget, but as long as they were other people’s- and he could wash his hands after- he was pretty adept, and unfazed. Not only was Patrick far from the first person to throw crockery at hism, he was also far from the first to bleed or vomit on him either. 

Patrick was slowly getting changed in the bedroom area, but David was able to swoop in and gather his clothes, taking them to the laundry hamper along with his dirty sweater. He peeled off his now damp t-shirt too and ducked into the bathroom pulling a clean one on to wash up. He sharply inhaled at the sight of his face, it was indeed streaked with blood. It was fine he reminded himself as he splashed his face with cold water. Then squeezing a little face wash into his hands gave his face a proper wash. He dried his face and looked up. Better, even if he looked wrecked. He suddenly felt tired. He sat down on the still closed toilet and put his head in his hands. He didn’t resent one second of it, he would give Patrick twice as much time if he thought it would fix things. But he was exhausted too. He felt a wave of tears come at him and he let himself have a little cry. Just enough to get it out of his system a bit. Release some pressure as his Mom had said. Then he could go back out there. He wiped his eyes and got up again. Pulling his hoodie over the fresh t-shirt. He did a quick check when he got into the living room, Patrick was curled up at one end of the sofa and smiled a tired smile at him when he emerged. David nodded and went to the kitchen. He rummaged for the First Aid kit he knew Patrick kept well stocked- being the Boy Scout he was. He tucked it under his arm then went to the bar cart and poured two glasses of whiskey. 

‘Drink this.’ he said, handing it to Patrick who had made his way to the sofa. 

Patrick wasn’t about to object and downed the drink in one. It burned, but it had a decent steadying effect. David put the First Aid Kit down and went to retrieve the bottle. 

‘I know I lecture on ill thought out coping techniques but sometimes you need a little of them.’ he said refilling their glasses. ‘And as I’m about to break out my nursing skills again you may need it.’

Patrick took a smaller sip this time and held out his hand when David gestured. He’d just abandoned the washcloth while getting changed and the wound had stopped bleeding, but was surrounded by a bit of dried blood, he winced, it was stiff as he uncurled his hand. David guided it to his knee, resting it palm up. He then reached into the box and retrieved an antiseptic wipe, cleaning up the dried blood. Patrick winced as he got close to the cut, but managed not to jerk his hand away instinctively. David found a spray and covered the cut in it, tilting his hand to the light to double check there was nothing in it. Next he retrieved some cotton gauze and looped it over, holding it in place he cut off a short piece of bandage and wrapped it around. He flipped Patrick’s hand over and tied it firmly but gently. 

‘Done.’ he said. ‘You’ll need to keep that on until it closes up a bit but that should only take a couple of days.’ He went to put the tools away but Patrick caught him with his other hand and pulled him into a soft kiss. 

‘Excellent nursing skills.’ he said pulling back ‘Thank you.’ 

David nodded. 

‘And for…’ Patric trailed off looking down. He felt David’s arm on his shoulder, just before he got up to put the First Aid kit back. He didn’t see the worried glance David threw his way as he came back from the kitchen. Patrick was now huddled over his drink, leaning on his knees. David hoped it was through the worst for tonight. He was appeased by a slight glance his way that told him Patrick was just thinking. He rubbed a hand over his back as he sat down, and took a swig of his own drink. 

‘I know it’s a stupid question, but how are you doing?’ he asked quietly. 

‘Better.’ Patrick said with a nodd. He looked down at his now bandaged hand. ‘I um, when I cut it, I remembered something. I think it, I don’t know I guess triggered...that.’ he felt David’s hand on his neck. 

‘You don’t have to-’ he said, his boyfriend looked utterly spent. It could wait. 

‘No I think I want, I um need to explain, straighten it out in my head too.’ he downed the rest of the drink, and looked at David who nodded, listening patiently. ‘I was fifteen, it was the summer so I was home in the day. And Dad was home, which was weird because until then he’d always been at work, but I guess he’d taken off work for a bit, I don’t know it’s all a bit muddled the timelines, and I guess Mom was out at the Store or something because usually she’d be home all summer? Anyway Dad was feeling ok, as far as I knew. But maybe he wasn't, I don’t know.’ He paused collecting his thoughts, he was questioning a lot about those memories lately. He could feel David’s eyes patiently on him. ‘Sorry I’m rambling.’ he said looking down, trying to focus, he felt David’s hand on his back as he collected his thoughts. He stared straight ahead remembering the scene. ‘He was washing up and I was in the kitchen talking to him about baseball. And he was washing a glass, and he had it in his hand.’ he glanced over and saw David get there a second before he said it, but he knew he had to make him understand the rest. Or else it just sounded ridiculously over dramatic. ‘He cut his hand. Just a regular cut to his palm.’ he flexed his own injured palm, ‘But he’d been given this medication- blood thinners, stops clotting with the other treatment I guess, but they make you bleed like.’ he blinked a few times. ‘Anyway it turns out not only did this cut go deeper than you might expect from just a shattered glass, these drugs made him bleed like...like nothing I’ve ever seen.’ David didn’t move, he just kept his arm around his back, letting him get through it. ‘It took me a few seconds, even to see he’d hurt himself- I was just talking- and then the amount of blood. He stayed so calm- I mean that was my Dad right.’

David smiled, he’d only met Clint once after all but he could see that. ‘Like you.’ he said quietly. 

‘Not that day.’ Patrick said with a shake of his head. ‘I froze. I didn’t know what to do. He talked me through it- until he fainted. I think it was a combination of the blood loss and the treatment weakening him or whatever. He was only out for like a minute, and I was there holding onto this towel around his hand. It was the longest minute of my life.’ he looked down for a second, he worried he was sounding over-dramatic. He felt David lean into him and he carried on. ‘It was what, 15, 16 years ago, my Mom never had her cell phone on her. So I wanted to call an ambulance. But he said no, he said ‘they’ll keep me there too long I want to be home’ and I didn’t get it, I kept insisting, I was worried- I was so scared that the bleeding wouldn’t stop. Or that I don’t know ridiculous things like this was a sign something else was wrong, because I didn’t really understand what treatments he’d had or anything.’

‘You were only 15.’ David said kindly. 

‘I should have known more, though, I should have asked questions or something I-’ he was interrupted by David kissing him on the cheek. 

‘You were only 15.’ he said again. ‘You did your best. And he was ok right? That time.’

Patrick nodded. When he woke up again he talked me through wrapping up the cut, cleaning it.’ he smiled and waved his bandaged hand at David. ‘I held it above his head for him, while he drank some soda and ate some chocolate. It took a good 15 minutes to stop. They say if it’s more than 10 minutes get help- I looked it up a while ago- but he was right it was ok. My Mom came home and fussed about the mess, she bandaged it properly and I think he went back out to fixing the car that afternoon.’ he smiled. ‘It sounds so stupid when you look at it like that. It sounds so stupid when.’ he paused, dropping his head again. David waited patiently knowing he was getting there. ‘That was the first time.’ he said slowly ‘That I knew my Dad could die on me. It was this abstract thing before, but that stupid cut made it real.’ he paused again, not looking at David ‘There were times after that when I’d be alone with him, times when he was really sick, and Mom had to go to work or something, and I’d be home alone with him, and he’d be so ….helpless sometimes. But trying to hide it. And I’d be so scared.’ he leaned back, looking at David ‘I’d think ‘what if he died tonight what would I do, I can’t drive I can’t get help.’ stupid things. Or ‘Who do I call?’ ‘what do I do?’ whenever she’d be out for the evening, I’d just sit in my room, on like alert, just in case something...happened.’ 

David wrapped both his arms around his boyfriend and buried his head in his neck. He didn’t really have any words that were worth anything right now. The thought of going through that over and over again as a teenager, was a terrifying one. 

‘You must think I’m ridiculous.’ Patrick said, ‘But that’s why, with the glass, it just...triggered something I guess.’

‘Mmm.’ David said into his neck. He suddenly tightened his grip and burrowed a bit deeper.  
Somehow Patrick sensed he was upset. He lifted a hand to his arm ‘Hey.’ He said ‘You ok there?’

‘Mmm.’ David said again, swallowing and sitting up. ‘I guess, speaking of triggering memories…’ Patrick lifted a hand to his cheek. 

‘What?’ he said. 

‘This is about you.’ David shook his head, ‘I don’t want you to think I’m trying to, steal or one up your trauma or something ridiculous.’

Patrick tilted his head. ‘David I’m asking.’ he said. He could see the cogs turning in David’s mind as he clearly considered how best to articulate whatever it was. 

‘I guess I know- sort of- what you went through, as a kid, seeing a parent...unwell, being scared for them and not knowing what to do, even if it wasn’t exactly the same.’ he looked down and felt Patrick’s hand come to his. 

‘Your Mom?’ he asked gently. David nodded. Of course. Patrick should have known. They didn’t talk often of the sometimes darker times in David’s childhood with his Mom, but Patrick knew they existed. 

‘There were a few...rough times I guess.’ David said, ‘But the one I remember I was 17, and Alexis was off...wherever, Dad was away on business. It was late, I think I’d come home from the mall- I was that cool obviously. The whole house was in darkness, which never happened. She’d sent all the staff home- and I hear it you don’t have to comment.’ he smiled a bit, ‘Anyway, she’d clearly freaked out about something or other, sent them home. The house was a mess. Just this trail of broken vases and clothes- and wigs obviously.’ David took a breath, ‘She was in their bedroom, passed out by that point it was not...well she was a mess too. In a way you should never see your Mom. But I’d seen it before. There’s a reason vomit doesn’t phase me.’ Patrick offered him a half-smile. ‘Anyway I had seen my Mom a mess, this was…’ he bit his lip. ‘I thought she was dead.’ he said evenly. ‘Sorry.’ he raised his eyes up trying not to cry, ‘I’ve never spoken to anyone, except Dad.’ 

‘Not even Alexis?’

David shook his head. ‘You know what she was like...and she’s five years younger it was too much then, and then we just didn’t speak about it.’ he shrugged. ‘I had enough trouble keeping a handle on Alexis without.’ he shrugged again. 

‘You did a lot David. You had a lot to deal with.’ 

‘So did you.’ 

Patrick paused, thinking again. ‘It’s what I kept dreaming about.’ he said quietly. He rested his head on David’s shoulder. ‘It’s so weird. But also that.’ he sighed ‘Was terrifying. Have you...I mean I know you’ve been through some...stuff.’ David brought up a hand to his cheek to let him know he was listening. ‘Have you ever…’ Patrick sat up and looked at him. David nodded. 

‘A few times.’ he said slowly. ‘Life or whatever, pushed me a bit too far and we know my brain is already a bit of a mess.’ he put a hand on Patrick’s leg ‘You’re right, it’s really scary. But sometimes you have to go through that to get to the other side.’ he looked up, ‘I never really had anyone...with me, that I could trust.’

Patrick nodded. He knew things had been tough for David in the past, but he couldn’t have imagined going through that, without someone he trusted. ‘I’ll always be here.’ he said quietly, reaching for David’s hand. ‘If it ever happens again.’ David lifted his eyes and nodded. 

‘I take it you never…’ he jerked his head in the direction of the kitchen. Patrick shook his head. 

‘No. First time, anything...I mean everything these past few weeks is different to anything I... I don’t normally react like that to anything.’ his eyes were wide as he contemplated it. 

David nodded. ‘Well lots has changed.’ he said gently ‘And therapy, it helps but it brings things closer to the surface.’ he leaned back on the sofa and pulled Patrick gently down with him. He felt him hum into his chest. He let him lay for a bit. 

Patrick’s head was whirring. It all made a sort of sense. Everything in his life had changed, not just in the last few weeks, but in the last few years. It made sense, his emotions might be different. And therapy had been a revelation, and while being able to talk about things he’d kept hidden, it also made sense that things would be, closer to the surface, more raw. He guessed this might not be the last extreme response he’d have. And the thought made him cling onto David a bit tighter for a second. 

David kissed his head. ‘You should go to bed.’ he muttered into Patrick’s hair, ‘You’re exhausted.’ he felt Patrick pull back from him. 

‘Actually I’m starving.’ he said with a frown. ‘Is it too late to order a pizza?’ he wondered aloud. 

David tried to regulate his face, but as usual his expressions betrayed him. Hearing Patrick express enthusiasm for food felt like a breakthrough. ‘It is never too late for pizza’ David said seriously. Patrick laughed, he knew the expression of relief and excitement on his boyfriend’s face was in part at his hunger. But possibly partly to do with pizza. 

‘The pizza place is probably worried about us.’ Patrick said ‘So few orders.’ 

David kissed him as he jumped up, already on the phone placing the order. Without bothering to ask what Patrick wanted, knowing what he’d want. Patrick smiled, at the familiar scene, David rattling off the pizza order, to the place that probably didn’t need telling either. He knew things weren’t magically back to normal, but it felt like something had been lifted. David flopped himself back down and Patrick pulled him towards him, winding an arm around his shoulders. 

‘Hi.’ David said, burying his head into Patrick’s soft hoodie.

‘Hey.’ Patrick said. ‘I’ve missed you.’

Understanding what he meant, David wrapped himself a bit tighter as they waited for the pizza. 

15 Years later 

David was asleep. He’d passed out at about 5pm and while Patrick was reluctant to let him sleep too long during the day, he was ok with giving him a chance to recover a bit. Give them both a chance. He leaned heavily against the sofa, where David dozed, before throwing a blanket over him. He stirred a bit but didn’t wake up. Patrick smoothed his hair over. It was messy, where he’d run his hands through it in anguish. His face was still red and blotchy too, to the point it looked sore. His chest ached a bit at that. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out. Mom. He clicked it open. 

‘Hey Mom.’ he said quietly, so not to wake David. He’d missed a call from her earlier so he felt compelled to answer. 

‘Patrick are you ok? You’re quiet.’ 

‘Yeah hold on let me go into the kitchen.’ he reasoned he’d hear from there if David woke up, which didn’t seem likely. ‘Ok sorry.’ he said in a normal tone once he was there. ‘David was asleep in the living room.’ 

‘Asleep?’ his Mom asked ‘Is he ill?’

That caught Patrick off guard, somehow it knocked him sideways. He hadn’t told his Mom what had been going on, not in detail. He didn’t want to worry her, and also there was a certain degree of confidence, privacy for what David was going through he wanted to protect. He knew David was ok about being open about things, but it didn’t seem fair while he was in the midst of it. But Patrick needed someone. He needed his Mom.

‘Patrick?’ she said when he didn’t reply. 

‘He’s…’ he swallowed, ‘No Mom he’s not very well.’ it caught in this throat, the stress of today ‘he’s um, he’s been struggling...more than I’ve ever seen him. It’s been...rough. He um’ Patrick swallowed ‘he really scared me for a bit.’ 

Marcy was quiet letting him get it out. She had an idea what he meant, but sensed he needed to say it. 

‘He um, he just lost the will for...everything. He didn’t do anything...to...’ Patrick looked up ‘Hurt himself. But he came close.’ his voice cracked. ‘I think this year has just...broken him, and you know how...damaged he already was. Fuck. I hate talking about him like that...like he’s weak or broken. He’s not he’s just…’

‘He’s just not very well sweetie.’ Marcy said gently. She knew how hard it must have been to support David through whatever he’d gone through. She knew too he’d struggled in the past, and losing his parents so close together, must have...well she could barely imagine. But also for her son. Who she knew felt everything so deeply even if he hid it well. ‘This must have been so hard for you both.’ 

Patrick felt some tears fall, and he wiped at his eyes. ‘I’m sorry for not telling you sooner.’ he said. 

‘Don’t be silly.’ Marcy said ‘This was David’s thing to deal with, you had to respect his privacy, I know we know he won’t mind you telling me this but also...it was probably hard to talk about for you, am I right?’

Patrick smiled as he wiped his eyes again. His Mom had come a long way with understanding the way he dealt with things, just as he’d come a long way in talking about things with her. ‘Yeah.’ he said softly, ‘It’s been really hard though.’

‘I can imagine.’ she said softly. ‘How is he now?’

Patrick looked up, searching for a way to describe where they were. Today had been a bad day. But it had also been just one of many by now. Nothing major had happened to set David off, and that was the more heartbreaking thing. He’d been fine, and then he wasn’t. Some days he went into a sort of shut down, unable to get up sometimes, others he was just dazed and not quite there. Others like today, he broke down. Sometimes a little. Sometimes a lot. And he had no control over it. And that scared both of them. That exhausted them both too. Today he’d dropped a plate. That was all. Just dropped a plate at lunchtime, and it just triggered something in the depths of his brain and he was gone. And it was like he was there and not. At once apologising to Patrick over and over for being like that, and also unable to stop. 

Patrick kept telling himself this was the phase of worse-before-it-gets-better. Matt had warned him this might be the case. He’d referred David to a specialist in Elmdale, but was still seeing Patrick himself. And it helped. It also helped that while Matt pushed the seriousness of David’s condition to his colleague, he’d also fought hard in favour of out-paitent treatment. He had been honest with David that a couple of weeks of in-paitent treatment somewhere would be a faster kick-start to a recovery. But he also understood David’s deep-seated need to be home- something they’d touched on years before around the impact of losing his old life, had made him cling to his new home, and need that stability. Matt had also advocated for Patrick’s care for David and the stability that offered him being probably more effective than the potential trauma being separated would add. On balance, treatment at home, seeing his Doctor twice a week, and trailing a mix of medications was a slower path, but Patrick still believed the better one. It had been hard for them both, admitting quite how severe things had gotten. But as Matt had explained to Patrick, David had years of built up traumatic events, as well as the unfortunate genetic or circumstantial predisposition to anxiety and depression. It had just created a perfect storm. 

Like today’s perfect storm of nothing. Where Patrick had found himself once again, clinging to his sobbing husband, willing him not to accidentally hurt himself. Willing him to pull himself out of this just enough. And eventually willing him to sleep, just to allow his body and mind a break. Eventually, after three hours, he exhausted himself and fell asleep. Patrick knew by now well enough to see it coming and had maneuvered him off his lap on the floor onto the couch, just before he passed out. It might only last an hour, or it might last all night. He might be his normal self when he woke up, he might not be able to function. Everything was still a rollercoaster.

‘Today was a bad day.’ he admitted to his Mom. Feeling tears in his eyes. He was just so tired. He didn’t resent one second of helping David, but he was tired. And every time it was a bad day he was filled with guilt. ‘I feel like I’m letting him down.’ he confessed ‘Like I didn’t do enough.’

‘You did everything you could. You are doing everything you can.’ his Mom said. ‘I don’t have to be there to know that.’

Patrick sniffed ‘Mom I-’ he was interrupted by seeing David appear in the doorway. Patrick frantically wiped at his eyes. ‘Hey.’ he said. David looked groggy, but he shuffled over towards him, Patrick reached out an arm, ‘I’m just talking to my Mom.’ he said to David, pulling him in for a moment. He was warm, and felt comforting. ‘Sorry did I wake you?’ David shook his head. He didn’t look quite with it yet. 

‘I needed water.’ he said his voice hoarse. Patrick nodded. David saw his husband was crying and felt guilty. He knew this was hard on him, and every time he unravelled a bit he felt terrible for the burden he was placing on them both. He was fighting with everything he could to get better. That felt like the difference to when he was young. Then he never cared either way. Now it was all he wanted. To feel better. To get their life back. The life he’d fought so hard for. 

‘Sorry Mom David just woke up.’ he said. With a worried glance over at his husband who was filling up a glass with water. And currently watching it overflow. He leaned over and turned the tap off, a little smile to David who just looked a bit dazed. 

‘Is he ok?’ Marcy asked. ‘I guess you can’t tell.’ she paused, thinking ‘Can I speak to him? I mean if he’s ok with that?’

‘Hmm.’ Patrick said ‘I’ll ask.’ he held the phone away from his ear. ‘My Mom wants to say hi, are you up for that?’ 

David took another gulp of water and nodded, holding his hand out for the phone. ‘Hey Marcy’ he said, his voice coming out groggy. 

‘David sweetie, how are you?’ he heard his Mother-in-Law’s sweet and ever cheery voice. And it warmed him. 

‘I’m Ok. How are you?’ he said automatically, his brain kicking into life a little bit and into autopilot. 

‘No David, how are you really?’ she asked ‘I’m not prying, but Patrick said you haven’t been feeling yourself.’ he cast a glance at Patrcik who had sat himself down at the kitchen table but was watching him intently, ‘Don’t be mad at him, he just needed someone to talk to.’

‘I’m not mad at him, don't worry.’ David said more for Patrick’s benefit, and he looked down, slightly embarrassed ‘He needs someone, he needs you, with me...like this.’ David sighed softly. He felt like he’d been beaten up. Everything ached. He walked over to the table and took a chair next to Patrick. 

‘Good.’ Marcy said softly, ‘I know you’ve got Patrick. And I know you’ve been getting some help. And I know you’re not feeling well today so I won’t talk to you for long.’ David reached for Patrick’s hand as he listened ‘But David, honey I just want you to know something ok?’

‘Hmmm’ he said, not sure he could form full conversation. 

‘David, I’m not your Mom, I could never be. Lord knows nobody could be your Mom, she was quite the woman.’ David smiled and tears started to form in his eyes, he caught Patrick’s concerned glance and he shook his head just a fraction. ‘But David, you’re my family too, and your family- your Dad- became another Dad to Patrick after Clint died.’ David squeezed his husband’s hand even though he couldn’t hear. ‘And I want you to know I’m going to be the same for you. Whatever you need. For as long as I can. You aren’t without family David, you’ve got Patrick and you’ve got me. You understand?’ David smiled a bit, she sounded just like her son when she bossed him about. 

‘Yes.’ he sniffed ‘Thanks Marcy.’

‘Any time.’ she said ‘And for the Motherly advice you didn’t ask for; you’re sick, you’ve got to let yourself get better, you understand? Just like if it was flu, you’re sick. You need to listen to your Doctor, take you medication. Rest. Let your husband look after you.’

‘He’s doing a good job at that.’ David smiled. Patrick looked up at him. 

‘He’s worried he’s not.’ Marcy said softly, ‘Maybe reassure him that he is.’ she could see the look of concern on David’s face without being there ‘But then go back to focusing on you yeah? You’ve just got to go through it.’

‘Thanks Marcy.’ David said. 

‘You’re welcome dear. I love you.’ 

‘I love you too.’ David said something pulling at his chest. He’d never said that out loud to his Mother in law. Patrick caught it too and gave a confused, but warm smile as David handed him the phone back. 

‘Mom?’

‘You’ll both be ok.’ she said ‘Get back to looking after him though, he sounds exhausted. You both do.’

‘Love you Mom.’

‘Love you too. Bye.’ 

She hung up and Patrick spent a second just holding his husband’s hand. ‘Today was a bad day.’ he said, eventually squeezing David’s hand ‘But we got through it. And we’ll get through tomorrow too.’

David nodded. ‘I couldn’t. Without you.’ he said, his voice was sore and raspy. ‘I wouldn’t want to. That’s the um, difference. I realised that just now. That when I was, I mean before, I never cared. You give me a reason.’ he blinked ‘I’m not making much sense.’ his head felt fuzzy again. But just through exhaustion now. Patrick got up, and pulled him into a tight hug. 

‘You made perfect sense.’ he said ‘Thank you.’ 

He pulled back and David nodded. He was tired, but he was him again. Patrick could always tell when he was fully there or not just by looking at him. ‘Come on.’ he said ‘Let’s watch some awful TV and then I’ll make us dinner.’ David nodded. And as Patrick walked away he held onto him a second. 

‘Thank you for keeping me home,’ he said biting his lip. ‘I wouldn’t have-’

‘I know.’ Patrick said ‘I wouldn’t have either.’

David nodded and followed him back to the sofa. Being able to hold onto his husband every day was all that got him through these months. So he held on tight again as they curled up together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They both break me a little bit here. Those versions of Patrick's teen years are fairly close to my memories too. But actually it's David who breaks my heart in both chapters. A reminder that we don't always react how we'd expect to.


	14. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When all else fails...write it down. You might be able to say some things you hadn't.

10 years later

Dear David, 

So Matt is making me write you a letter. He’s calling it ‘homework’ and he says I should give it to you in 10 years time. So you’ll probably never read it. Not because I don’t think we’ll be together in 10 years (whatever you might sometimes think), but because I don’t know I’ll lose it or forget. Hell maybe we’ll find it in 20 years? When we finally move out of that apartment and you’re actually ready to move in with me? 

Ok well I hope that’s a joke. Because here’s something for me, this letter and maybe 10 years time you. I hope you want to move in with me sooner, because here’s the thing David, I plan on asking you to marry me. This is going to be awkward if that all goes wrong isn’t it?

And maybe I’ll have told you all this by then. But maybe not. 

I knew on my Birthday. I knew the moment I figured out my parents already knew and you’d done everything you could to make it right. You had made it right. I guess I knew when we danced together. Is that enough of a romcom moment for you? Honestly I should have just got down on one knee there and then. But you know me, I want everything to go perfectly. 

So I started planning and then...well all this happened. 

And I didn’t need to be more certain. But I am. Because you got me through this. And I know we’re not through yet when I write this. And I hope I’ve thanked you a thousand times since for everything you’ve done. And apologised just as much for everything I’ve said and done that I wouldn’t normally. I’m sorry David, for all the things being this hurt and messed up made me do or say. And thank you for sticking with me (Again really awkward if you haven’t, I’m going to be crying into my tea in 10 years remembering the guy in the sweaters aren’t I?) 

I joke, I hope. But I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life than you. Nobody has known me like you do. I’ve never known anyone like I know you. For better or worse (ha!). I love you enough to even let you plan a wedding (because believe me, I know that’s going to be an adventure). 

So here’s what I plan to do. I plan to take you for a picnic, to my favourite place around here. We’re going to hike there, have a picnic, and then I plan on getting down on one knee and telling you that you’re the love of my life, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And hope that you say yes. Please say yes David, don’t be scared and say yes ok?

I spent a lot of time up there hoping you’d say yes. To questions I wasn’t even sure of at first. I spent hours hiking there when I first moved here. Trying to figure out what these feelings were. Then trying to figure out if I could ever manage to act on them. And all the time I was trying to tell my parents. Or worried I’d upset you and made a mess of something, that’s where I’d go. So while it’s my place, it’s also filled with you. I’ve probably told you this a thousand times by the time you read this. 

I started off really cynical about this letter. But I hope you read this. Because that means everything really has worked out. Have I finally watched too many romcoms that I just want that happy ending? And you just never know. While I write this, you’re asleep in my bed. After a perfectly normal Tuesday. And I’ve never been happier, even at the time I’ve never felt worse. I love you David. And if you do read this I’ll tell you that in person too. 

When I say all my love, I mean it.   
Patrick 

David bit his lip as he finished reading. He looked out over the view at Rattlesnake point. They hadn’t been able to hike in months. And it had been a slow climb to the top. He’d worried he might have to attempt to piggyback Patrick again at a few points. But they’d made it, slowly. It was cold and they’d brought out a thermos of tea. And then Patrick had handed him the letter. David wiped his eyes and looked over at Patrick, sitting on the same rock as 10 years ago. Bundled up in a hat and winter coat today, but his smile was the same. 

‘I love you.’ he said. 

David grinned. ‘Planning a wedding with me really was an adventure’ he smirked. 

‘Knew it would be.’ Patrick grinned. 

‘Love you.’ David said, refilling their tea and looping an arm around his husband, taking a moment with their favourite view. 

10 years earlier 

David was being twitchy. He kept half coming across the Store then ‘finding’ something else to do on his way. It usually meant he’d broken something, or made a rash ‘creative’ decision he needed to tell Patrick about but didn’t want to. It was actually quite entertaining to watch especially as- letting the Store get robbed aside- Patrick rarely cared what he’d done. On the third time Patrick rested his elbows on the counter watching him with a smile as he paced the short length of the center counter. 

‘Will you just come here and say it?’ Patrick said with a smirk, ‘Because you’re making me dizzy.’

David looked sideways at Patrick who was now looking at him with a challenging expression. There was no backing out now it seemed. He rolled his eyes and picked up what he’d hidden under the counter and walked over, placing it in front of Patrick. 

‘Well it’s not broken so what is it?’ Patrick said, glancing down. 

‘It’s a letter writing kit, and a pen.’ David said. 

‘I know that.’ Patrick said ‘And the reason I know that is we sell them in our Store.’ 

David glared ‘Will you just…’ he huffed and Patrick smiled.

‘What is it David?’ he asked, realising this whatever this was, seemed to be important. 

David took a breath. This might really blow up in his face. ‘It’s for you.’ Patrick frowned at him ‘For you to write to your Mom. I think you should write to your Mom.’

Patrick folded his arms but he looked more confused than angry. ‘Why am I writing to my Mom?’ 

‘Because.’ David began, ‘You clearly can’t talk to each other right now- and I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault- and actually you aren’t good at talking about the difficult stuff- as you well know this is not new information ok? And I thought if you write it down you might be better at it.’

‘David I’m no writer it’s not gonna be-’

‘Just hold on ok?’ he did a little half jump without leaving the floor and Patrick had to smile at his impatience. ‘You don’t have to write like Jane Austen style love letters-’

‘To my Mom I’d hope not.’ 

‘I’m just saying that maybe writing it down is easier than saying it. Also for you writing it and her reading it there’s no getting all angry in the moment, saying something you’ll regret. There’s no yelling in letter writing. You can write it, it goes away, she reads it when she’s ready.’

‘Then what?’ Patrick asked, arms still folded. 

‘Well then either she writes back, or you’ve said what you need to and you can draw a line under it at least.’ David shrugged. He leaned on the counter too so he was next to Patrick but not touching him. He looked down. ‘I did it once. For my parents.’ he still looked down, ‘I had a rough couple of years, and I wasn’t the best person to them. We had a huge fight one Christmas, we didn’t speak for a while. And picking up the phone seemed too hard. So I wrote to them. And then my Mom called me, and then my Dad, and eventually when I went back home we kinda got back to normal. Well as normal as we ever were.’ he shrugged ‘Look if you think it’s stupid, fine, but I think it’s worth a shot.’

He stood up and went over to the window and started fussing with the plant display. Patrick watched him for a bit, then walked over and leaned on the fridge next to him. 

‘This is important to you huh?’ he said. David shrugged, still paying close attention to the succulents. ‘David?’

‘Patrick.’ he mimicked. But stopped when Patrick reached out and touched his elbow. He closed his eyes. ‘Fine.’ he said, stopping and turning to look at him ‘You have such a good relationship with your Mom. And you already lost a huge chunk of time- and I get it, that’s not a judgement but you missed out on so much already. And I don’t want you to miss out on more.’ he looked away, ‘I missed years- most of my life really- with my parents, and God help me if you repeat this to them Patrick Brewer- I would not want anything to change what we have now and risk going back to that. So I don’t want that for you either ok?’ he looked back at Patrick who was patiently waiting for him to finish. 

Patrick nodded. Moved by David’s sentiment and the strength of feeling for his parents. ‘Ok.’ he said ‘I’ll do it.’ 

David nodded. And went back to fussing with the window display. 

‘Obviously I will remind you of this next time you’re bitching about helping your Mom with set design’ 

‘Set design with Moira Rose would test any child’s love.’ David replied dryly. 

‘Try choreography.’ Patrick retorted. 

‘Oh I have. What do you think the scar on my thigh is?’ David asked. 

Patrick chuckled, remembering the tale of tumbling off a float in a Thanksgiving Parade. He picked up the notepaper from the desk. ‘I’ll do it tonight.’ he said ‘Will you read it after? I really am no writer.’

David paused holding the cactus. He looked like he might cry for a second. ‘I’d be honoured.’ he said, going back to the window. He bit his lip. He knew this was a risk, it might still go horribly wrong, but his additional plans for this might just nudge Patrick in the direction he needed. 

Dear Mom, 

I’ll be honest with you, I’m writing this because David told me to. And maybe he’s right. He said we’re both so hurt and angry about so many things, that maybe we can’t put them into words. And that most of that isn’t about each other. So that maybe I should write this stuff down. So I’m giving it a go. 

You know Mom I struggle to talk about how I’m feeling. Maybe this story will help you understand. To even know. I know you and Dad were upset I hid David from you. That I hid who I was from you. But the truth is, it took me so long to work it out, most of the time I wouldn’t have the words to tell you. Mom, David didn’t even know I’d invited him on a date, he invited Stevie along. She worked it out, before David did. That’s how bad I am at this. David tells me for weeks people told him (well Alexis and Stevie) that I was interested in him. I didn’t even know then. Or I didn’t want to admit it. Or have the words for it. Or all of that. 

I think I’m telling you this so you know it wasn’t all some kind of weird plan. To run away, and find a guy and hide it from you. I wanted to explain it to you perfectly, so there was no fear of you getting it wrong I wanted so badly to call you and Dad up and say ‘I’m dating this awesome guy!’ and to talk to you about how weird it all felt. How weird that it felt so right. 

But that’s the thing we talk about everything but we also never talked about that stuff? The hard stuff we somehow always avoided. About me, and what might be wrong with me (I don’t mean being gay being wrong I justt mean all those years I felt wrong and didn’t know why). Or stuff about Dad. We just never talked about the hard stuff did we?

And I get it. Because I know I don’t talk about it either. David will tell you that too. I’m getting better, he’s making me better at it actually. Mainly because he doesn’t ever shut up. But he's relentless too now. Getting me to talk about things I never would have. And it’s good for me, I know it is. He’s good for me. You know that now. 

I can’t pretend I’m not hurt you and Dad hid things from me. But I understand why. I think I even think it was for the best- I hope you understand when I say, if I’d known I wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t be happy. And I hope that’s what you both wanted for me. I wish I’d been there more for you and Dad these past two years, but I also can’t wish I’d stayed home. Can you forgive me for that? And while we’re at it, can you forgive me for hiding things, this one thing, really from you? I was scared. As I guess you were too. 

And I know we’re both hurting right now. And it’s easy to take it out on each other. But David says that when I want to yell at you, I have to yell at him first now instead. And I guess that’s a fair deal right?

This feels like the way to tell you too, I started seeing a therapist. And its helping. More than I thought. Maybe that would help you too? I just want you to feel better too Mom, because I know if you’re feeling like I do, it’s really the worst feeling in the world. 

I love you.   
Patrick. 

David put the letter down and wiped at his eyes. ‘It’s perfect.’ he said. Patrick nodded at him. ‘And I hope she takes your advice. I want her to feel better too.’ Patrick nodded again and smiled. 

‘You don’t mind me telling her about our date?’ 

David gave him a lopsided grin. ‘I come off as pure and chaste while you pursued me.’ he winked. Patrick smiled. ‘Dinner?’

Patrick nodded. ‘It’s Jocelyn’s mystery casserole.’ he got up and went to the stove where it was warming ‘Points if you can identify four foodstuffs accurately.’

‘Yum’ David said with a grin. Relieved, however disgusting the meal promised to be, that Patrick was interested in dinner again. 

A few days later, David anxiously dialed keeping an eye on the door to the Store. 

‘Mrs Brewer.’ David was nervous, he fidgeted with the display on the counter. While Patrick was at the bank was his only window to do this. 

‘David! How many times, Marcy.’ she said warmly. 

‘Marcy.’ he said with a smile ‘How are you?’

‘Oh you know.’ she said 

‘Well no that’s why I asked.’ David said. He could hear her smile as she responded. 

‘You’re very sweet David.’ she said ‘I’m ok, really. Work is busy, I’m keeping busy. Karen keeps me entertained as you can well imagine. She sends her love by the way.’

David chuckled, he did like Patrick’s Aunt Karen, who was just the right amount of scandalous. ‘Just her love?’ he asked with a raised eyebrow. 

‘Couldn’t possibly repeat the rest.’ Marcy said with a little laugh. ‘She’d make you blush.’

‘I’ve no doubt.’ David said. 

‘What can I do for you David?’ Marcy asked. ‘I assumed you’re calling while Patrick is at the bank for a reason?’

David laughed. But was also relieved that Patrick’s texting his Mom random updates on his day had resumed. ‘Am I that obvious?’ he said before launching into his plan. It was slightly risky but one he thought might pay off. 

‘Sounds perfect.’ She said, when he was done. ‘I’ll get on it.’ 

‘Thanks Marcy.’ he said with a smile. ‘Also.’ he said dropping his voice, ‘While we’re conspiring, should I maybe get my Mom to reserve you tickets for Cabaret?’

‘I think that’s an excellent idea.’ Marcy said with a laugh. ‘He will hate me for it, but in the best way.’

David laughed. Glad the humour between them was back a little. ‘I will get right on that.’ he said. They said their goodbyes and hung up. 

Three days later David got a box at the Motel. He carefully opened it and rooted through the contents, checking. He found a note addressed to him. 

‘Dear David, 

Hope everything you asked for is in here. If not, I know it’s what you planned but just ask and I’ll send it. Or bring it with me when I visit. Thank you for knowing better than I do what he needs. 

And thank you, for being who he needs too. He never knew it before but you are exactly who he needs in his life. Someone to challenge him, keep him in line- and I can hear you saying the exact same thing about him for you. I can see it. That’s why it works. And because I know for all of that, everything else is built on love. Plus some healthy teasing never did anyone any harm. 

If I’m ever sad that it took my son so long to figure out who he is, I remind myself it was so he could meet you.’

David had to take a moment there. He’d never met anyone’s parents before Patrick- not on purpose anyway- but he knew none of them would have said anything like that if they’d known him. He continued. 

‘And I want to thank you. For looking after him. These past weeks. I see now that it wasn’t me he needed- we needed this space, though I admit I wish we’d done it differently, and what he needed was his person to be there. He hasn’t told me all of it, but I know Patrick and I know this is the hardest thing he’s ever been through. And he wouldn’t be still standing if it weren’t for you. So thank you David for keeping him safe, for loving him and picking up the pieces -even when he doesn’t want you to. Especially then. 

I know Patrick considers your family his family too. And I admit that was hard for me when I felt there was distance between us. But I hope now you’ll consider me your family too. 

David there’s one thing in the box you didn’t ask for. You hold onto it, you’ll know when the time is right ok? 

Thank you David, for finding my son. 

Love Marcy.”

David’s face was covered in tears now. He sat reading and re-reading Marcy’s beautiful words. He barely registered Alexis coming in. 

‘Um Hi?’ she said. Then registered he was crying. She sat down next to him and took the letter, pulling him into her while she read, then pulling him into a hug properly when he finished. ‘She’s right.’ Alexis said ‘You saved that little button.’ that only made David cry harder. So Alexis sat with him a while longer, letting him. 

Later that evening he headed to Patrick’s with the box. He let himself in and found Patrick curled up in his chair reading. He looked so peaceful and calm, and so much more like himself in the last few days it warmed David’s heart. But also sent an uneasy feeling to his stomach, worrying about unsettling that with this. He reminded himself Marcy thought it was the right thing too. 

‘Tell me that isn’t a skincare delivery, my bathroom already isn’t big enough!’ 

David rolled his eyes ‘No. And is that my fault?’ he put the box on the kitchen table. And shifted uneasily. ‘It’s some stuff your Mom sent me. Um me for you.’ he said, arms flailing a bit. ‘And there’s a letter- I haven’t read it I promise- but it’s a reply to yours.’ he bit his lip. Patrick took a moment to take it in. 

‘My Mom sent you stuff for me?’ he asked confused. 

David nodded ‘It’ll make sense I promise. I guess you should read the letter first?’ 

Patrick frowned. ‘Ok. I guess.’ he said getting up, and going towards David. 

‘Maybe we should…’ David gestured towards the bed. 

Patrick didn’t really see it mattered either way, but he guessed the easier route was to go along with whatever David’s plan was. ‘Ok.’ he said following. 

He opened the letter. 

“Dear Patrick 

Thank you for your letter. David was right- though I’m sure you’ll not thank me for saying it. But he was also right that for me it helped to put this down on paper. He asked me to send some things to you too. I’ll let him explain that.”

Patrick looked over at David who shrugged and he continued reading. 

“I want to start by saying I’m so sorry for keeping how sick your Dad was from you. At first we wanted to see how things went, please know that if he’d got really sick just after you left, then we’d have told you right away. But really all that changed was the Doctors telling us there were no options left. And honestly we didn’t want to burden you with that thought. We didn’t want to think about it too much either. And so as long as he was feeling ok, we just carried on. And he really was fine these two years. We got really lucky Patrick, I know it doesn’t sound that way or feel that way right now but we did. Instead of two years of hospitals, and things getting gradually worse, your Dad was fine...until he wasn’t. And really it was only a matter of these last three weeks. And this is a thing that we can’t say to anyone else (though I’m sure David will read this and won’t judge me) I’m glad he got that infection in the hospital, if it spared us what it could have looked like. I know we’re not religious honey, but I can’t help but thinking maybe it was some kind of bigger plan, or mercy to save him suffering any longer. If they’d had a chance to give him more treatment he’d have lived a few months more, but it wouldn’t have been your Dad sweetie. As it was there was, I promise, hand on heart only one day he felt so sick he was truly suffering, and there was one day he wasn’t himself before he was gone. I hope it’s ok for you to read this. I hope it helps.’

Patrick felt David’s arm around him just as tears started to fall. 

“Mr Rose said something to me on the day of the funeral too. He said your last conversation with your Dad was about Baseball, and that he couldn’t think of a better way to say goodbye.”

Patrick sniffed a bit then and leaned into David. 

“And that’s what I mean by all this, that’s why we didn’t tell you when there was nothing to tell. We wanted you to have those last years, months with your Dad, as things were. So you’d have those good memories. 

And I guess that’s why it hurt that you kept something from us. More honey that you kept you from us. And your Dad forgave you much easier than I have I guess. I suppose he knew he had to.”

That moment finished Patrick and he had to take a break. He leaned into David and let himself cry for a few moments, letting David hold him. Feeling the pain he’d given his Mom, and guilt for anything he might have denied his Dad. 

‘You ok to carry on?’ David whispered, ‘I think you should.’ 

Patrick sat up and wiped his eyes nodding. 

“But we also understood why. Especially after you explained it so beautifully in your letter. I know that you had things you needed to figure out. That you didn’t understand what was happening either. And I understand now, that everybody has to do that on their own terms, in their own time. It wasn’t for me or your Dad to decide for you. I know you had to be ready. I think you had to find David for that. Any other time and place you two wouldn’t have clicked, but I understand why you do. And i think you were meant to find each other now”

Patrick looked over at David and smiled. 

“I forgive you of course. You're my Son I would forgive you anything. But I also understand and I love you. 

I know things have been hard between us. And I know it's because you’re hurting like I am right now, and we just have to be kinder to ourselves. And we will get through this I promise, we will both be ok. Trust that I will be-even when I’m making it hard for you. And you will be. Let David look after you Patrick. Love you. Both of you. Mom.”

Patrick took a moment, staring at the paper. He’d always been close with his Mom. But this felt like a breakthrough, like something shifting for them. She was letting him go into his new life, he had to let her adjust into hers, but also he felt closer to her than ever. He wiped his eyes and looked at his boyfriend. ‘Thank you.’ he said ‘for making us do that.’

David nodded. ‘I was truly awful to my Mom a few times. But she always listens if I write it down.’ he shrugged. ‘But lots has changed for you both. Maybe it’s easier to write it down.’ 

Patrick smiled. It was one of those times it was like he knew exactly what he was thinking. ‘She said you asked her for some things…I’m guessing this is what the box is about?’ 

David nodded. ‘Don’t be mad.’ he said ‘or at least don't throw them at me. But I thought, as lovely as this place is, it’s missing a lot of your past. And I get you came here for a fresh start but…’ he pulled the box towards him. He pulled out first a selection of the framed photos from Patrick’s room. ‘I just thought, even if you don’t put them all up, it might be nice to have some bits of home, of your life before.’

Patrick held them for a moment before looking through. Some of his college years, mixed with family and some friends. One of his favourites of his Mom and Dad and him on a trip to New York when he was 20. ‘You just wanted to be able to mock my hair and clothes didn't you?’

‘Little bit.’ he said with a smile ‘I also asked her to edit out old girlfriends. I’m not that nice a person.’

Patrick chuckled. And David leaned into the box and pulled out a large envelope. 

‘She also said this was a selection of other photos you might like’ Patrick took it, didn’t open it now but nodded a thanks. ‘She said, if you’re making a home here, you should make a home.’ David’s cheeks flushed at that and he looked down. ‘I also asked her to send this.’ he reached in and pulled out Patrick’s copy of Brideshead Revisited. ‘If you want your other books she also said just ask.’

‘Why this one?’ Patrick asked. 

‘Because I think.’ David said carefully, seriously, ‘You’ve got some stuff still to figure out and this book is both a link to some of that in your past, and a link to...broader Queer life, whatever the fuck you want to call it. And maybe it’s time you…’

‘Figure out where I fit in that picture? My past and the rest of the world?’

‘Hmm.’ David said ‘Look in my book it’s enough to just say ‘this is who I love and fuck everyhing else’ but also ...I think figuring out your path...where you fit into all that...it’s important.’ 

Patrick nodded and ran his hand over the cover. David wasn’t wrong. And maybe now was indeed the time to figure out where he fit in. 

‘Just don’t get so gay you want to trade me in once you figure out you can do better.’ David added. Patrick laughed and kissed him. 

‘Never.’ he said, pulling back. Pausing to make sure David was listening ‘Never you hear me?’ David nodded. 

‘One more thing.’ he said ‘Um close your eyes because this could go either way ok?’

Patrick rolled his eyes but complied. He felt something soft drop into his lap and he opened his eyes. Bertie the bear was sitting there. 

‘David why is my teddy bear here?’ he smiled. Running a hand over it’s soft fur. David reached over and grabbed it’s paw and waved it. Patrick laughed again. 

‘I just felt like it was a piece of home you could use here too.’ he said with a lopsided smile. Patrick smiled at him and scooted up the bed, and put Bertie on the pillow. 

‘What do you think?’ he said waving the paw back at David ‘Can he stay there?’ David smiled, and waved back. 

‘I think he’d better not try and steal my side of the bed.’ David scooted up, ‘But I’m willing to share.’

Patrick smiled, but as he did David caught a now familiar cloud of something coming over his face. Seconds before he buried it in the bear. David quickly scooted up fully and hooked an arm over Patrick’s shoulders pulling him in.

‘What have I said about getting snot on the bear eh?’ he said. He heard Patrick hiccup into the bear, ‘Hmm’ he said pulling him in a bit tighter. He let Patrick ride out a couple of sobs, rubbing his hand up and down his back. 

He couldn’t explain it really. There was just something so pure and kind about David asking his Mom to send his childhood teddy bear. He was embarrassed at how much it touched him, but also he wanted to wrap David up in his arms in thanks. Instead he was sobbing into his teddy bear. He was a grown man, clinging onto his teddy and crying. And David was holding him while he did that. Which made him want to cry even more. Because he’d got him the bear, knowing he needed it. And the pureness of that love melted him. But he was also exhausted, with himself with feeling this way- with the endless up and down. He got control and sighed into the bear, pulling it down away from his face. 

‘Hey.’ David said with a smile. 

‘Sorry.’ Patrick said, nestling the bear down between them. 

‘What for?’ David frowned. 

‘This...me.’ he said, ‘I should be...better, by now not this mess.’ 

David put a hand up to his cheek. ‘At the risk of setting you off again’ he said carefully ‘Patrick your Dad died, you’re allowed to grieve. And it takes time.’

It was like a revelation. A stupid revleation it had taken all this time to get to. He was grieving, he was going to be grieving for a long time. All the other stuff, all the anger, the confusion. All of it was part of getting him to this point, understanding this. 

‘I’m grieving for him…’ he said into the bear more than to David ‘it’s going to take time.’ he was aware he’d just repeated what David said, ‘It’s not going away is it? But that’s what all this is.’

‘Yes sweetheart’ David said his face crumpling, his boyfriend hadn’t realised what he was going through was all part of it. Steps on the way. On something that likely would have no end, not really. ‘You are, and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry it’s not. But you’ll get better, it will get better.’

Patrick looked up at him with open, vulnerable eyes. ‘I’m just...so sad.’ he said, it felt so stupid, so obvious to say, but he hadn’t even realised it until now. ‘Just so sad.’ he repeated. 

‘I know.’ David said ‘I can see, and I wish I could take it away.’

Patrick nodded, and pulled the bear towards him, hot silent tears ran down his face now, and David wiped at them with his thumb, silently reassuring him. ‘I love you.’ he whispered. 

‘Love you too.’ David said quietly, ‘Come here yeah?’ he said rolling onto his back. 

Patrick nodded, rolling with him, but bringing the bear with him. He curled himself into David, head tucked into his shoulder and Bertie under his right arm. David curled his left arm around Patrick’s back and brought his right over Patrick’s and Bertie. He leaned down and kissed first the bear, then Patrick’s head. 

‘Me and Bertie will be here as long as it takes’ he promised. 

10 Years Later 

They got home, cold and slightly muddy. Patrick needed to shower but he also was tired. Months without hiking or any real physical activity had taken it out of him. Still David steered him in the direction of the bathroom with a promise to have warm tea waiting when he emerged. 

When he did emerge, David presented him with an elaborate set up of warm pie and tea on their coffee table. He was sitting next to it, hands, elbows on his knees, now in a white fluffy jumper, his glasses on. Looking sheepish. 

‘David?’ Patrick frowned. 

David pulled an envelope out of his sweater. ‘I have one too.’ he said. ‘That Matt made me write. 10 years ago.’

Patrick smiled. ‘Well look at that.’ he said, folding his arms. ‘Do I get to read it?’ 

David nodded and handed it over. He’d started having individual sessions with Matt not long after Patrick. It seemed sensible to practice what he preached, and obviously Matt had flagged up a number of his issues after his session with Patrick. And he’d never been averse to therapy, but he’d never found anyone who helped as much as Matt had. So much so they both still saw him, only occasionally usually, but more so this year with everything they’d been through. Patrick had been back to weekly sessions while he waited for surgery, David too because it had all taken a toll. And he knew his brain was a delicate balance that could so easily turn against him. 

Ten years ago Matt had asked him to write a letter to Patrick, for ten years in the future. Both as a reflection of the struggles they’d had but also to try and project forward onto a happy future. What he’d want Patrick to know about his feelings then, and what he hoped for the future. David fidgeted nervously as he opened it. 

Patrick smiled, what he hoped was reassuringly at David as he opened the letter. He could practically see his husband’s mind turning over everything from 10 years earlier as he opened it. He laughed as he nervously took a huge chunk of pie and chewed, clearly trying to distract himself. 

“Dear Patrick, 

Matt made me write this. He said I shouldn’t say that, but I’m going to tell you if you read this anyway. He said to imagine us in 10 years and you know what a hard time I’m having with that. 

It’s not that I don’t want that. You know that. It’s just so impossible after everything to think that far ahead and think it’ll be ok you know?

First though, Matt said I should talk about right now. About what you- we I guess have been going through and how I feel. How am I supposed to put that into words? Sweetheart it has broken my heart to see you hurting so much, and to just be...powerless to help. Usually if someone’s upset around me it’s my fault and there’s at least that. I can’t fix this, sometimes I feel like I can’t even help. And you’re always the strong one, the one fixing me, and I feel so out of my depth. And I guess, if we’re thinking about 10 years time, I guess I just hope I did ok? I hope I helped you, I hope I didn’t mess it up and make it worse. Because I would do anything to make it better. Last week- last week when I write this at least- I held you while you cried on your bathroom floor. I meant it when I said I would do that every day if that’s what you needed. I will always pick you up off the floor because you would do that for me. You have done that for me. And nobody else ever has. 

I know you like to tease me when I talk about our future. If I let slip I think beyond this week or month or year or whatever. And I know you know it’s because I’m scared- still yes, after everything- that it’ll go wrong. Because when has it ever gone any other way right? 

But that doesn’t mean I don’t desperately want it to go right. That I don’t let my mind wander to ten years from now- twenty years from now- to the rest of our lives together. Because that’s what I want. It’s all that I want. I want to be married to you Patrick Brewer. I hope I am if you read this. I don’t dare admit that to you just yet, not in real life. And not just because the thought of me planning a wedding is probably enough to scare you off. I know in my heart you’re in this as much as me. But my head hasn’t caught up yet. And you know how difficult my head is to rein in. 

So what do I want to say to 10 years in the future you? I love you. That’s about it really right? You changed my life, and I love you. And I hope I was able to get you through this because seeing you hurting is about the worst thing I can imagine in my life. And I hope we make it. I hope this is our happy ending. We deserve it right?

Love   
David.” 

Patrick looked up and smiled. David paused a forkful of pie to his mouth and Patrick laughed at the image. The perfect image of his husband eating dessert while he wiped his eyes reading his love letter. 

‘You got us through it.’ Patrick said with a smile. David nodded. Patrick smiled, ‘You wanted to marry me before I even asked?’

David shrugged, looking down at the pie. ‘I wanted to marry you from the moment I knew I loved you.’

Patrick got up from his chair, walked around to the other chair. He took the pie off David and set it down, pulled his face into his hands and kissed him. He tasted like apple pie. ‘Me too.’ he said with a smile. David smiled back.

‘We made it.’ David said, pulling his husband into his lap, taking his left hand and running his fingers over his wedding band. Patrick wrapped his free arm around David’s shoulders, and kissed his hair. 

‘We made it.’ he smiled. ‘And we’ll make it through whatever comes next too.’ he leaned in and kissed his husband. Before reaching down and stealing the remains of his pie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in the real life parallels, writing to my Mum actually solved a lot of things we were shouting about. So thanks to a director I was working with who suggested that. 
> 
> In fiction, I feel like some other stories through letters for these two are in my future now. 
> 
> And finally, Patrick (with his teddy bear) learns he just has to sit with this.


	15. Easiest Decision of my Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the present, it's David's turn to propose and the last few weeks have made him more certain than ever. 
> 
> In the future, it's Thanksgiving again. And Patrick reflects on the easiest decision of his life.

A few weeks later 

A few weeks ago David had generously (in his mind) offered to run the Store the day after opening night. He hadn’t anticipated that meaning giving his boyfriend anything more than a needed lie-in but actually, even with very short notice, it had given him the perfect way to execute his plan. He told Patrick to meet him at the Store so they could walk to the theatre together. 

When Patrick arrived the Store was in semi-darkness with only the back room lights on. It was a bit odd to be closed up that early. But he guessed that David was eager to get to the theatre on time. He pushed the door open and rows of twinkling lights came on around the Store. And David stepped out from the back room. He was dressed in tailored pants, and a fitted black shirt with a jacket - streaked with white pinstripes - over the top. He looked, frankly, gorgeous. 

‘Well hello there.’ Patrick said with a grin. And gestured to the lights ‘Isn’t it a bit early for Christmas? He added, folding his arms. 

‘Atmosphere.’ David said with a roll of his eyes. ‘Sit’ he said gesturing at the chair near the back of the room. He disappeared into the back room. 

‘You’re not gonna dance are you David?’ Patrick called, as he made his way to the Chair, and did as he was told. 

‘You should be so lucky!’ he called back. Then emerged holding two glasses of champagne. Music did kick in, though he didn’t recognise it. Atmosphere he told himself. 

‘To what do I owe this?’ Patrick asked. 

David shrugged ‘Successful opening night, not getting us killed on a hike...asking me to marry you.’ he put his glass down ‘Or you know we just had some leftover.’ he made a face at Patrick. Who smirked. David reached down and kissed him. 

‘But in all seriousness.’ David said, fidgeting slightly. ‘So I didn’t get to do my speech last night, because...well, my Mom…’ he shrugged. Best to leave that where it was. Even if where that was is currently still in their wardrobe. ‘So, I thought I would say it to the only person it matters to.’

Patrick had been ready to make a smart comment about David’s speech. But he shut up, with a soft smile and waited. He expected David to launch word for word into the speech he’d attempted last night but instead he paused for a second, then launched into something entirely different. 

‘I wanted to do this here.’ David began, ‘Because this Store is the reason we met, this Store...is everything. It’s the big moments.’ he leaped into life and started to move around the Store as he spoke. Starting next to his chair. ‘Here.’ David began, ‘Is where you kissed me for the first time. You took this huge leap and made that move for the first time and I thought you were brilliant. And brave. Even if you did refuse to call me nice.’ Patrick laughed and sipped his champagne, watching as David shifted a bit to his right. ‘Here, you sang me a beautiful song, and told me a bunch of things I was too stubborn to see. And made my Mom like you. Actually you made her cry.’ Patrick grinned again. David made his way around the room and Patrick had to stand up to watch him go. He stood near the counter. ‘Here you told me you loved me, even when you didn’t know if I would ever say it back. And here you made me brave enough to say it back even though I forgot your tea.’ he moved around again. ‘Here you offered to go into partnership with me, even though it probably went against all your business training.’ Patrick laughed. ‘And you bought that ugly frame.’ he jerked his head towards it. He moved a little to his right. ‘Here you hugged me a little too long for business partners.’ He moved to his right again. ‘Here I kissed you after I accidentally called you my boyfriend for the first time.’ Patrick laughed. 

‘We almost did something else there if I recall.’ he said, raising an eyebrow and taking a drink. 

‘I’m not done.’ David said. ‘Here I also fell to my knees after doing a ridiculous dance to win you back.’ 

‘Again, almost did something else there. We’re not very professional David.’ Patrick was grinning, enjoying this walk down memory lane. 

‘Speak for yourself.’ David said. He walked to the counter and stood behind it. ‘Here is…’ he shrugged ‘A thousand tiny moments every day. When you make fun of me. When you congratulate us on a good sales day. When you ask what I want for dinner.’ he paused growing serious. ‘It’s where you stood and told me the worst news of your life, because we both feel at home here, we feel safe here.’ He saw Patrick’s face grow serious and nodd. In silent thanks. David walked slowly from the counter. ‘Because it’s everything this Store the big moments and the little ones.’ he stopped by the candle display in the corner. ‘Do you know why I’m standing here?’ he asked. 

Patrick shook his head. Slightly mesmerized by how gorgeous his boyfriend- fiance he reminded himself- looked. And his head spinning from what he was saying. 

‘I fell in love with you on a Tuesday. Did you know that Patrick Brewer?’

Patrick shook his head again, and grinned. 

‘Just a random Tuesday. I looked over at you here restocking the candles and just thought ‘I love you.’ and then you turned around and started arguing with me over how much hand cream we needed and I loved you even more.’

Patrick laughed, he sat back down in the chair and let David carry on, he leaned forward listening. 

‘This was, I don’t know, a month, maybe more before you said it to me. And it was terrifying and brilliant all at once. And it just came into my head. Just like that. I loved you because you restock the shelves how I want them, because you know it makes me happy. But you aren’t afraid to argue with me when you know you’re right- or even when you aren’t. And I’m not afraid to argue with you over the little things, because I know you don’t want to fight with me over the big things. And even when we do...you won’t run away. I didn’t think it was possible to love you more, but in these last two months I’ve realised just how much I do. And then you went and fucking proposed to me.’ 

Patrick laughed. David was crying now and wiped at his face. He moved away from the candles and stood in front of Patrick who put his glass down, locking eyes with David, letting him know he had his full attention. 

‘I have never loved anyone before. I’ve never been loved before.’ he took a step towards Patrick, who smiled at him, and fought the urge to cry. David got down on one knee and took Patrick’s hand ‘And I’m asking you to marry me.’ 

He reached into his pocket and pulled out one of their small Rose Apothecary pouches. He handed it to Patrick who frowned at little, and pulled open the drawstrings and turned it upside down. This had been the additional thing Marcy had sent him. She hadn’t known about Patrick’s plans then, he’d told her a week or two later. But maybe somehow she knew. 

‘I know you’re not a jewelry person, and probably a wedding ring will be enough.’ he said, Into his palm fell a pair of cufflinks. ‘But your Mom asked me to give you these at the right time. And this felt like the right time.’ 

He didn’t have to pick them up to know which ones they were. His eyes filled up with tears. Quick hot tears that rolled down his face, falling into his hand as well. 

‘Oh no I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-’ David panicked, jumping up, putting his hands to Patrick’s shoulders, but he quickly cut him off with a kiss, snaking an arm around his neck and pulling him in, standing up as he did so. 

‘It’s perfect you idiot.’ he said wiping his eyes as he pulled back. 

David gave him a lopsided grin. ‘I thought you know, you can wear them for the wedding.’

‘You’ve already planned my outfit haven’t you?’

‘Little bit yeah.’ David said, ‘I mean if that’s a yes...I mean I know I already said yes, but it would be nice if you actually said yes too….’

‘Shut up David’ Patrick said with a smile, kissing him again. ‘It’s a yes.’ 

David grinned and kissed him.Then wrapped himself around Patrick’s neck. 

‘This was perfect.’ Patrick whispered into his shoulder ‘I love you.’ he tightened his hand around the cufflinks. Not quite sure which of them he was saying it to. David held him for a moment, and it clicked, the music was the playlist from his Birthday. The time David had made everything right. He felt David shift, and they started to dance, barely a shift, and just a few brief moments. The song ended and David kissed him. A slow, passionate, loving kiss, saying again a lot of things he wasn’t quite eloquent enough to put into words.

David had his arm looped around Patrick’s shoulders as they left the Store, when suddenly he stopped short. 

‘What?’ David asked. 

‘Little detour?’ Patrick asked ‘we’ve got time.’ 

‘Well it’s not like my Mom is in any position to give notes…’ David rolled his eyes. Patrick knew he was worried behind it all but let him. David followed knowing where they were going. Just around the corner to the Rose Garden. 

Patrick stood for a moment. They’d planted the rose bush a couple of weeks back and it seemed to be flourishing, for all David knew about gardens anyway. He felt Patrick’s arm around his waist. ‘You’re gonna mock me for this, and that’s ok.’ he said ‘it’s stupid.’

David shook his head with a lopsided smile ‘Talk to your Dad.’ he said. 

Patrick couldn’t help but smile as he looked down embarrassed. ‘See it’s things like that David, that’s why I’m marrying you.’ he squeezed him ‘You’re a good person David.’ he felt him squeeze him back and took a breath. ‘Hey Dad.’ he began. ‘I know this isn’t you know where you are, but hell who knows where you are right? Hopefully somewhere more fun. Anyway, this seems like as good a place as any to do this.’ he felt slightly foolish, but also he’d felt like he needed to do this. He needed a place like this too. It didn’t matter where his Dad was buried he’d realised he just needed something to hang onto. ‘We’ve got news!’ he added ‘Though I’m sure you already know...I asked David to marry me. And he said yes. And he asked me. Just now. And I said yes. And I guess that might be confusing to you, but maybe not. The important thing is, we’re getting married. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me Dad.’ he felt David squeeze his shoulders again. Patrick swallowed. ‘I wish you could be there, at the wedding. God I wish that so much.’ He fought back tears. ‘And I’m going to ask Mom to stand in for you. Well to be both of you. That seems right. It won’t be the same. You won’t get to see David’s choice of outfit. Though I hope you do, wherever you are.’ he wrapped his arms around David’s waist and leaned on his chest for a moment. For once he didn’t feel like crying. There was a happy moment of peace. Eventually they detangled and walked towards the theatre. 

‘So don’t freak out.’ David said as they rounded the corner, ‘But I’ve got one more surprise for you, and I don’t think I fucked it up this time.’ 

‘David we have to teach you how surprises work.’ Patrick said with a smile, but threw him a questioning look. David nodded towards the entrance of the theatre. Patrick looked over, his Mom was standing there. She gave them a little wave. Patrick grinned and waved back. He looked at David who shrugged, then hurried on over to his Mom. She held her arms open and pulled him into a tight hug. It had only been a few weeks, but it felt like much more. ‘Hi Mom’ he whispered. 

David watched his boyfriend- fiance- he reminded himself, hold on to his Mom. He smiled, and felt a wave of relief. They’d made it through the worst. It wasn’t over, but they’d made it this far. 

‘Hey David get over here so I can say hello properly’ Marcy called to him. David wiped at his eyes and went to embrace his future Mother in Law. 

16 years later, Thanksgiving

It was chilly outside, but in that October way that wasn’t yet freezing. Stil Patrick wished he’d brought his jacket out. He felt something heavy on his shoulders as David reached him, and reached around to find his thick knitted cardigan, of course a present from David five Christmases ago. Of course a deep navy blue. 

‘You ok?’ David asked, handing him a glass of wine once he was in the cardigan. He was wrapped in one of his giant scarves. His hair which was longer than it had ever been, was blowing a bit wildly in the breeze. He looked, thought Patrick, more beautiful than ever. 

He nodded. ‘Just thinking.’ he said. 

David looped an arm over his shoulder. He knew this weekend was always one for thinking for his husband. He slowly retreated into himself for at least part of the weekend. And in eighteen years of knowing him, and sixteen thanksgivings together, he knew to let Patrick take the lead. Right on cue he let him know exactly what was on his mind. 

‘Have I ever told you, I don’t actually know the date he died? It’s like this mental blank I have. I know it was the Thursday before Thanksgiving so I just sort of go with ‘Thanksgiving Weekend’ which is stupid for, you know a moveable holiday.’

David reached an arm around him. ‘I don’t know, that seems almost...nice.’ he rubbed his hand absently up and down Patrick’s shirt, under the cardigan ‘You know it’s not some arbitrary day, it’s a day you can actually mark, and well ironically give thanks, or whatever this holiday is about.’

‘I mean technically Colonialism.’ Patrick said 

‘Let’s not ruin a metaphor with history. Save that for the kids after dinner.’ David smiled. 

‘Why is it worse this year?’ Patrick shocked himself by blurting it out. For weeks he’d felt the weight of it creeping up on him. Every year he remembered at this time obviously, but usually it was just the weekend, a creeping sadness. Some years, guiltily barely even that. But this year, for weeks it was all he could think of. 

‘Sixteen years.’ David answered, clearly he’d thought about this already. 

‘How do you-?’ 

‘It’s been sixteen years, you were 32 when he died, that means you’ve lived half as long again without him.’

Patrick smiled at him and took his hand ‘I thought I was the numbers guy?’ he chuckled. ‘That makes sense I guess.’ he paused, ‘half a lifetime.’ 

David tightened his grip a bit, leaning into him. And waited for him to speak. 

‘I guess I just think about everything he missed you know?’ 

David shrugged, ‘I guess I’ve been thinking about it a lot too this year.’ he bit his lip, ‘I guess with my parents and…’ he trailed off looking out at nothing in the garden. Patrick put his glass down and took David’s too so he could take his hand.

‘Is it weird that Thanksgiving is now my favourite holiday?’ Patrick asked ‘Surely I should hate it?’

‘It’s mine too.’ David said, ‘And not just for the food.’ 

Patrick laughed. 

‘It was our first holiday that felt ours that year.’ David said. ‘I know we’d done my Dad’s stupid holiday party the year before, and I know that year was horrible in so may ways, for you, but I don’t know it felt…’

‘Yeah.’ Patrick confirmed, ‘I know.’ he paused looking at the garden. ‘Shall we?’ 

David nodded ‘I love them, but there’s a lot of noise in there.’ 

Patrick smiled. There certainly was, the mixed Brewer family, Rose family and Budd family Thanksgiving had turned into a lot this year. And for the last five years they’d dialled back. Just Patrick’s Mom. Sometimes Alexis, sometimes Stevie too. Never the whole lot at once. Between the almost two Thanksgivings Patrick being ill had touched on, and then wanting a breather for themselves. Then David’s parents. They’d retreated into themselves a bit. This year Patrick had floated the idea of a big family gathering. And it felt time. But between far more adults than they’d had in the house at once in years, plus Patrick’s assortment of young cousins courtesy of Marty adopting, it seemed an entire baseball team, along with Clare’s family it was just a lot of people. And even Patrick needed a breather. Besides, Thanksgiving was their holiday, and he wanted some time with his husband. 

‘Hold on.’ David said putting his glass down and reaching for Patrick’s cardigan and buttoning it up, smoothing down the wool. 

Patrick rolled his eyes ‘Don’t fuss it’s not even cold.’ 

‘Let me fuss over my husband.’ David said kissing his cheek. Patrick smiled. He reached down and took his hand as they walked to the bottom of their garden where there was a bench under one of the trees. They could see the house from here and see various people moving back and forth in front of the window. It looked busy, full. 

David looped an arm around him. ‘It does feel like our holiday doesn’t it?’ he said. ‘Even though it’s all a bit messed up and weird.’ he made a face ‘Maybe that’s why it feels like it?’ 

Patrick laughed. ‘Maybe.’ he said ‘Tradition but slightly offbeat. That sounds about right for us.’ 

‘Just how my Mom raised us. Or didn’t raise us.’ David smiled, then gave Patrick a look to tell him he was ok. ‘I keep expecting to hear her shout for a drink in there.’ he said with a sad smile. ‘I keep thinking I hear her voice. Which is ridiculous because it’s not like anyone sounds like her.’

Patrick reached across for David’s hand, his rings were cool against his fingers. ‘I made your Dad a drink earlier.’ he said. ‘I started making a bunch for people, and just in my head I made Johnny a whiskey.’ he felt David kiss the top of his head. ‘So I drank it.’ Patrick laughed. 

‘He would approve.’ David chuckled. Then paused ‘I didn’t think I’d think about them so much.’ he shrugged. ‘But it’s sort of changing, it’s not...nice exactly but it’s not...painful. Not like it was. It feels like they’re sort of there, just...out of sight.’ he rolled his eyes. ‘That’s ridiculous.’

Patrick smiled, staring at the house, he could imagine other years, with Moira and Johnny and his Dad all in there. Even though they never had a single year with everyone in this house. He could still imagine it. ‘I like it.’ he said quietly. It had been a hell of a few years, now that he stopped and thought about it. ‘David?’ he said in a serious voice. 

‘Hmm?’ David shifted to look at his husband who was still staring at the house. His thinking face in place. David knew that face well it was his ‘my husband might not react how a normal person does so I’m thinking this through’ face ‘What did I do?’ David said. And as planned Patrick broke into a grin and laughed. 

‘Nothing.’ he said, sitting up and kissing him. ‘Nothing.’ he repeated. ‘I was wondering what order to say these things in.’

David shifted and raised an eyebrow. A silent ‘go on then.’ Patrick smiled. He was fluent in eyebrow questioning by now. He nodded and decided to dive in. 

‘I spoke to my Doctor yesterday.’ he said evenly, watching David’s eyebrow shoot back up in alarm ‘I don’t know why I needed to do it alone. Don’t be angry ok?’ David nodded, Patrick could see the tension rising so he continued quickly. ‘But it’s good news. All clear. Everything. He’s signed me off doesn’t need to see me any more.’ he saw the relief wash over David’s face before he was fiercely embracing him, burying his head into his neck. They pulled back a bit ‘The magical five year mark.’ Patrick said with a nodd. ‘So it looks good, long term. No guarantees obviously but statistically.’ he shrugged and smiled. 

David smiled. And of course cried. He wiped at his eyes. ‘Sorry.’ he said. ‘Just...you made it.’ The relief flooded through him. Things had been good for a while, ticking off monthly, then six monthly then finally annual ‘all clear’ tests. But they’d been hanging on for this. It was no guarantee, as Patrick said, as they knew. But it meant there was a chance that he would be ok for good. And for now he’d take that. 

‘We made it.’ Patrick said. Wiping at his own eyes. ‘Damnit.’ he said ‘You’ve got me going now.’ 

‘Tradition’ David said with a smile, ‘It’s not Thanksgiving until you cry.’ he leaned in and kissed Patrick gently. He smiled as he pulled back. ‘What else?’ he said, waiting anxiously in case Patrick was starting with good news and building to bad. 

Patrick nodded. And took a moment to look at his husband. Who was yes, impossibly gorgeous even after all this time. His ridiculous hair blowing about in the slight breeze, his perfect skin now slightly lined in a way Patrick loved to tease him made him look more distinguished. The fact he was wearing his glasses, because he felt at home with everyone in the house and didn’t feel the need to be perfectly polished any more. His chunky scarf over a pale pink sweater. The sweaters had stayed, but colour had worked its way into his wardrobe, as had tailoring, even occasionally casual wear. His big brown eyes were confused right now, but also looking at Patrick with the same fondness he’d done for nearly 20 years. ‘What?’ David said again and Patrick realised he’d been thinking for far too long. 

‘Well.’ he said finally ‘It feels like we’re turning a corner here. It’s been a hell of a few years I think you’ll agree.’ David nodded, and Patrick reached for his hand again ‘And next year will be 20 years since we met.’ 

‘Which is impossible, because I’m barely 30.’ David said with a grin and toss of his head. 

‘I don’t think I want to be 30 again.’ Patrick smiled ‘I’m much better as I am now.’

‘Well I think I can agree with that.’ David took a moment to admire his husband, who with grey flecked curls, and an impossibly youthful face was as beautiful as the first time he’d seen him. That he still blushed at that compliment was a bonus. 

‘So, in honour of that milestone, and that we have been through it these last few years…’ he was oddly nervous, ‘I thought we should renew our vows.’

David tried to control the grin on his face. But as ever failed. ‘Patrick Brewer-Rose are you asking me to marry you again?’ he grinned. 

In response, Patrick detangled his hand from David’s and got off the bench, lowering himself - slightly stiffly he had to admit- to one knee. ‘David Brewer-Rose, will you marry me, again, please?’

‘Are you sure?’ David asked with a smirk.

‘Easiest decision of my life. Again.’ Patrick said ‘And the best one first time.’

David grinned, and leaned down to kiss his husband. Who was proposing again. Somehow making it more emotional than the first time. 

‘One more thing.’ Patrick said. ‘You get full outfit control again. Obviously. But I thought maybe, you could include these.’ he reached into his pocket and held out a pair of cufflinks. ‘Your Dad’s’ he explained. ‘He left them to me, it was in the box of things I got but...I think maybe a something old and borrowed?’ 

Tears were streaming down David’s face now. And for a second Patrick worried he’d got it wrong. That David wasn’t ready. That it was too much. Or something. But David reached out to his palm and ran his fingers over the cufflinks, then closed his hand over Patrick’s. He couldn’t convey how much that meant to him. That his Dad had given them to his husband, the love between the two of them was something he never thought he’d see with his family, that Patrick wanted to marry him again. That he was so considerate to include that detail. All of it was too much. And utterly perfect. 

‘Yes.’ David managed. ‘Yes to all of it.’ 

Patrick grinned and pulled himself onto the bench, pulling David to him, kissing him deeply. 

‘We get to have more than one happy ending yeah?’ he said. 

David’s face was still soaked with tears, and he couldn’t speak. But he nodded, and kissed his husband again. They pulled apart and David wrapped an arm around Patrick pulling him close. Instinctively he reached down and pushed up Patrick’s cardigan, reaching for his shirtsleeves. He ran a finger over the cufflinks he was wearing. He didn’t need to in order to know, but he felt the letters engraved there and smiled, kissing Patrick’s head. As he did so, Patrick’s hand rested over David’s right hand, he ran his fingers over the ring that sat on his little finger now. The plain gold of Moira’s wedding band. He looked up at his husband and smiled. Family might have changed, but he was right, they were still there. David tightened his grip as the sun set on Thanksgiving and the lights came on in their house, watching the chaos inside. 

After a while, Patrick detangled himself, and offered a hand, pulling his husband up. 

‘Come on.’ he said ‘Or we’ll miss board games.’ 

David groaned. But allowed himself to be pulled up. ‘I am not being on your pictionary team.’ he said grumpily, allowing himself to be led to the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've reached the end. Thank you to everyone who stuck with this. There was a lot more I could have explored, but this felt like the place to stop. 
> 
> These two quite often give me words for things I couldn't find them for and this was a really valuable experience for me. I've been so touched by people telling me their stories and how it helped them too. I hope you got something you needed too. 
> 
> I'm @madresaercher on tumblr and in a rare crossing of streams @emigarside over on twitter. In case anyone needs to talk.

**Author's Note:**

> Sixteen years ago, my adopted Canadian family gave me Thanksgiving, when on the other side of the world, my Father had died. That Thanksgiving was still one of my fondest memories. 
> 
> Worlds apart in many ways, sixteen years later, I'm writing my way through some of that via these two (though Patrick's Dad is a lot nicer than my own...). A lot of little bits and pieces will be from my experience transposed onto these two. But also grief really isn't like it is in the movies, so I'm trying to give Patrick (and David) a bit of that. So if they don't always behave as you expect, that's why. 
> 
> This is going to go through Thanksgiving weekend and beyond...it got away from me a bit. 
> 
> The title is from the Ben Platt song of the same name, which seemed apt for Patrick and his Dad.


End file.
